Dating is so complicated

[lawgirl79]

So my dating life has been very active. I did date a guy for several months who ghosted me about two months ago and now I am dating a guy whom I like very much and he just asked me to be his GF this morning. I told him I needed some more time. The problem......

 

 

He is not my usual type but is extremely nice and respectful. We have had yet to have sex. He wants to wait which is fine with me. AND.... the guy who disappeared whom I really really liked before sent me a text this morning saying he had some issues to resolve and he is sorry that he ghosted me and it was a dumb thing for him to do. I'll admit it took me a while to get over him.

 

 

Now I am soo confused as to what to do. Part of me wants the first guy (the guy who ghosted me) We had alot in common but the other half of me says he ghosted you once he will do it again and to stick with the second guy whom is great in all aspects as far as guys go except there is not much mutual interests. He has a country lifestyle, I am more of a city girl.

 

 

Why am I doing this to myself. I cant help but think that maybe the first guy would be better because we have more in common but at the same time I dont want to lose the second guy for someone who may not be there in the long run. UGH! Dating sucks!

[Imajerk17]

So you are pining over a guy who ghosted you over a guy who treats you fabulously for 2 months. So in reference to your thread title, I must say that "dating" isn't so complicated, instead *you* are the one who is so complicated

 

My choice would be neither. Keeping the guy you are currently seeing just because you aren't sure your ex would stick around is hardly a ringing endorsement. It sounds like you view the guy you are currently seeing as the safe and logical choice. No man wants to be someone's safe and logical choice though. Let the guy you are currently seeing go to find a woman who is truly into him.

[carhill]

Presuming you were intimate sexually with the guy you dated for months who ghosted you, and considering you had to 'get over him' and still have positive memories of him even with his actions, that indicates emotional attachment so it follows that you would be conflicted over this guy and the new guy who hasn't yet inspired or elicited those bonding chemicals with sex and the related romantic and emotional interactions. Desire and love are emotional. Makes sense to me anyway.

 

I was more like guy #2, saving sex for only established and exclusive relationships or marriage. Dating was excruciating in my generation where casual sex ruled. Women dropped me right and left for being too 'slow'. I ended up having to 'fake' it to make it. Else I'd never have been married.

 

IMO, if you're not enamored of guy #2, let him go. His and your style of love may be in conflict or incompatible. Better to let it go than fake it or think it. Guy #1 could be a fun ride and who knows he might settle out, or your style might evolve. For now it seems you're more compatible with #1.

[Redhead14]

So my dating life has been very active. I did date a guy for several months who ghosted me about two months ago and now I am dating a guy whom I like very much and he just asked me to be his GF this morning. I told him I needed some more time. The problem......

 

 

He is not my usual type but is extremely nice and respectful. We have had yet to have sex. He wants to wait which is fine with me. AND.... the guy who disappeared whom I really really liked before sent me a text this morning saying he had some issues to resolve and he is sorry that he ghosted me and it was a dumb thing for him to do. I'll admit it took me a while to get over him.

 

 

Now I am soo confused as to what to do. Part of me wants the first guy (the guy who ghosted me) We had alot in common but the other half of me says he ghosted you once he will do it again and to stick with the second guy whom is great in all aspects as far as guys go except there is not much mutual interests. He has a country lifestyle, I am more of a city girl.

 

 

Why am I doing this to myself. I cant help but think that maybe the first guy would be better because we have more in common but at the same time I dont want to lose the second guy for someone who may not be there in the long run. UGH! Dating sucks!

 

he had some issues to resolve and he is sorry that he ghosted me -- Forget about this one! The only thing that picking things up with this guy will do is tell him that you are a doormat. Issues to resolve -- rubbish. He was trying to decide between you and another woman and she didn't work out. Whatever issues he was dealing with likely existed when he started dating you. He was able to push through them then in order to set up dates with you.

 

it was a dumb thing for him to do. -- Let him see just how dumb it was by not seeing him again or even responding.

 

He has shown you who he is . . . I'd rather go with an unknown than a known that's flaky and unreliable and doesn't have the ability to "multi-task".

[Popsicle]

Resist your urge to go back and stay with the new (better) guy.

[preraph]

Whatever the first guy's issues were to resolve, he could easily have told you about her -- I mean, them, instead of ghosting you. Don't give him a chance to do that to you again.

[stillafool]

From your post it sounds like he just apologized but didn't ask to get back with you. Did he even ask you for a date?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

So you are pining over a guy who ghosted you over a guy who treats you fabulously for 2 months. So in reference to your thread title, I must say that "dating" isn't so complicated, instead *you* are the one who is so complicated

 

My choice would be neither. Keeping the guy you are currently seeing just because you aren't sure your ex would stick around is hardly a ringing endorsement. It sounds like you view the guy you are currently seeing as the safe and logical choice. No man wants to be someone's safe and logical choice though. Let the guy you are currently seeing go to find a woman who is truly into him.

 

:lmao:

 

Regarding first guy and his issues he had to resolve....whatevs. Probably another girl and now he is alone again so testing the waters with you because you're there. (No offense). Give guy #2 a chance. Just don't ever ghost him to go back to guy#1!

[Bastile]

It's actually not complicated.

 

The first guy is feels, the second guy is security.

 

If you were more secure in yourself, the second guy wouldn't be any sort of option at all, and you'd be able to manage the first guy much better.

 

The real problem is that you aren't taking the dating process seriously in terms of self-reflection. And you'll be chasing your tail doing that.

 

These guys aren't important. You are. Always focus more on yourself.

[coolheadal]

Not much you can do we all can't tell you what to do, you have to make the right choice and that's the new guy not jerk that made you act, and think he's a better bet, because you settle for the worst type and now your in this tiny box trying to figure out how you can get out! You can't have it both ways you have to choose if not get ride of both and try it again with a 3rd new guy or until you numbers add up to the right guy.

[act00]

You are in a very precarious position, and I don't envy you. I wish I had some magic words and solution. Countryguy has been going well and is serious enough he wants to be exclusive. You can't date Cityguy now. If you choose to, you will likely lose Countryguy, and you have no way to know if Cityguy is going to bail on you again. He probably will.

 

You're not 100% on Countryguy. Really, long-term, given your differences in interests, how well do you think it can work? Some couples function very well with their partner doing stuff with friends and independently since they don't have that common interest. Other couples unravel over it. I think part of your draw to Cityguy might be that you are unsatisfied with your overall connection with Countryguy...a connection you had with Cityguy,...except he flaked out on you.

 

It's hard, and I feel your pain. I'm kind of in the same boat, except I haven't been in the position of making anything exclusive. There really hasn't been overlap. I had one boyfriend where we did go exclusive, and then he ghosted me. How's that for a fun story? A couple months later, he's texting me again. I'm seeing someone now, so I don't know where to go with this one, but given he has yet to actually make time to see me, I don't have anything to worry about.

 

Cityguy is a risk, and Countryboy may not really be long-term potential. I would think on the long-term and go from there, even if it means losing both of these men...you need to be with someone who fits all the criteria...easier said than done. I'm sure I'll be posting soon.

[SammySammy]

Why do you have to commit to either of them?

 

Why not give yourself time to find someone who demonstrates they want you as much as you want them? It might be one of these guys, but, right now, it seems that you'd be settling to choose either of them. Because neither fully gives you what you want or need.

 

Life is too short for half-assed relationships.

[Ieris]

Don't bother with the first guy.. he will just ghost you again when some other girl comes along. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Why do you have to commit to either of them?

 

Why not give yourself time to find someone who demonstrates they want you as much as you want them? It might be one of these guys, but, right now, it seems that you'd be settling to choose either of them. Because neither fully gives you what you want or need.

 

Life is too short for half-assed relationships.

 

This.

 

And I will also echo the poster who said that dating isn't what's necessarily complicated, but you are or at least you're making it much more complicated than it needs to be.

 

You said yourself your "dating life is very active". If that's really the case then why you are settling between just these two guys? As far as I'm concerned, neither one seems right for you for very different reasons.

 

Maybe your best option is behind door number 3.

[kendahke]

So my dating life has been very active. I did date a guy for several months who ghosted me about two months ago and now I am dating a guy whom I like very much and he just asked me to be his GF this morning. I told him I needed some more time. The problem......

 

 

He is not my usual type but is extremely nice and respectful. We have had yet to have sex. He wants to wait which is fine with me. AND.... the guy who disappeared whom I really really liked before sent me a text this morning saying he had some issues to resolve and he is sorry that he ghosted me and it was a dumb thing for him to do. I'll admit it took me a while to get over him.

 

 

Now I am soo confused as to what to do.

 

Again, this is what is meant when people say they are confused---they're with someone, but would rather be with someone else except that person is not acting right, but they don't want to hurt the feelings of the one they really don't want to be with, but that person is so nice and patient with them, but do nothing for them. They'd rather go be with the one who dropped them off at the mall and left them there.

 

 

 

Part of me wants the first guy (the guy who ghosted me) We had alot in common but the other half of me says he ghosted you once he will do it again and to stick with the second guy whom is great in all aspects as far as guys go except there is not much mutual interests. He has a country lifestyle, I am more of a city girl.

 

 

Why am I doing this to myself. I cant help but think that maybe the first guy would be better because we have more in common but at the same time I dont want to lose the second guy for someone who may not be there in the long run. UGH! Dating sucks!

 

Dating doesn't suck.

 

Having no self discipline where you can stand to be by yourself until you figure out what you actually want does.

 

Let the guy you're really not into go. It's unfair of you to be using him as a placeholder until Casper opens up a can of "act right". He doesn't deserve to be used by you not being 100% present and into him.

[lawgirl79]

I never had sex with Cityguy. I did make my decision which was to not respond to Cityguy. To me, if he had any inclination of feelings for me at the time he was having "issues" I think he would have told me about them, rather than ghosted me. I dont know why he sent me a message out of the blue but if I was that important at all, he would have never ghosted me in the first place.

 

 

I did have sex with countryguy last night, for the first time, and it was very nice. He is soo sweet and caring. He takes the time and patience with me and understands that I need that time because I am coming out of an abusive marriage. That being said, I am just used to someone who is a little more agressive. I am not used to the niceness and hence I think that is why I am a little apprehensive to make our relationship official. I do like the sweetness and respect. I also like that we have our own interests and can do our own thing and not have to be stuck to each other like glue. I am going to continue to date country guy and take it one day at a time.

F**ck city boy. He can go find some other woman that will take his sorry ass back. LOL

 

 

Thank you all for the suggestions.

[lawgirl79]

I have a new BF whom I have been exclusively dating for 2 weeks. We dated for a week prior before he asked for me to be his GF. He has basically been sleeping at my house every night the past week and we have seen each other every day since we first met. We still do things on our own. He is in a sports league and has practice every Wednesday and I still go out with friends so we still have our own personal time.

 

 

I know there is such a thing as moving too fast and it can be detrimental to a relationship but is there a point in which too fast is cliche? I mean, if two consenting adults are both all for moving fast if it feels right, is it wrong to do so? He is talking about long term and so am I. I would like to ask him to move in. He is there everyday anyway.

 

 

Notwithstanding the aforementioned, I am being cautious because everyone says take it slow but I dont want to. It feels right. I feel comfortable with him (no red flags) and he has said that even though we are moving fast he doesnt see anything wrong with it as long as we both feel it is right. Are we wrong?

[CptInsano]

Sometimes you are just very comfortable being around each other. As long as you are both having a good time I see nothing wrong with it. It certainly happened to me before.

[No_Go]

I had a guy like this. He moved in 4 weeks later - he turned to be an alcoholic, unemployed, conman. He had a string of exes and the common denominator was he was conning them to move in asap. This is was his source of income basically.

 

Can it work in your case? Who knows, maybe, but imo the risk you're taking is unnecessarily high. At least do a very thorough background and credit check if you consider letting him in your home.

 

 

I have a new BF whom I have been exclusively dating for 2 weeks. We dated for a week prior before he asked for me to be his GF. He has basically been sleeping at my house every night the past week and we have seen each other every day since we first met. We still do things on our own. He is in a sports league and has practice every Wednesday and I still go out with friends so we still have our own personal time.

 

 

I know there is such a thing as moving too fast and it can be detrimental to a relationship but is there a point in which too fast is cliche? I mean, if two consenting adults are both all for moving fast if it feels right, is it wrong to do so? He is talking about long term and so am I. I would like to ask him to move in. He is there everyday anyway.

 

 

Notwithstanding the aforementioned, I am being cautious because everyone says take it slow but I dont want to. It feels right. I feel comfortable with him (no red flags) and he has said that even though we are moving fast he doesnt see anything wrong with it as long as we both feel it is right. Are we wrong?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I see nothing wrong with your relationship being serious fast, but there's no way I'd move someone in after less than a month. Or even less than 6 months. I really takes nearly a year to get settled into a relationship and know if it's going to last (my rule is all four seasons). In my experienced, the 6-7 month mark is critical in determining REAL (not just initial infatuation and lust) long term potential.

[lawgirl79]

No Go: It is a possibility he could be an alcoholic but I have not seen that yet. I have done an extensive back ground and credit check on him. I do that with everyone I go out with even before the first date. I work for a law firm so I have easy access to that. He had no history that was alarming which I could see.

 

 

He does work. I have picked him up from work for dates on several occassions and I have also seen his pay stubs because I did his child support modification for his eldest whom just turned 18 so I know he makes money. In fact he makes a couple dollars more an hour than I do.

 

 

I am aware that he will have some flaws that I will come across later but even if you are in a relationship for years there will be flaws that arise.

[salparadise]

The general advice usually given is if it burns too hot and fast in the beginning that it will probably burn out just as suddenly. I don't think that's a universal truth or anything. I do think that if i was in your shoes I'd slow it down a little, but I'm not going to tell you that's what you should do. In a new relationship, three times a week seems like quite a bit of togetherness. But if the two of you are happy with being constantly together, then I'm happy for you. I would advise to maintain separate places for several months at least. You're going to hear a lot of people saying the hot burn won't last. Time will tell.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

No Go: It is a possibility he could be an alcoholic but I have not seen that yet. I have done an extensive back ground and credit check on him. I do that with everyone I go out with even before the first date. I work for a law firm so I have easy access to that. He had no history that was alarming which I could see.

 

 

He does work. I have picked him up from work for dates on several occassions and I have also seen his pay stubs because I did his child support modification for his eldest whom just turned 18 so I know he makes money. In fact he makes a couple dollars more an hour than I do.

 

 

I am aware that he will have some flaws that I will come across later but even if you are in a relationship for years there will be flaws that arise.

 

The trouble becomes getting him OUT if something does happen in a few weeks/months.

[Redhead14]

I have a new BF whom I have been exclusively dating for 2 weeks. We dated for a week prior before he asked for me to be his GF. He has basically been sleeping at my house every night the past week and we have seen each other every day since we first met. We still do things on our own. He is in a sports league and has practice every Wednesday and I still go out with friends so we still have our own personal time.

 

 

I know there is such a thing as moving too fast and it can be detrimental to a relationship but is there a point in which too fast is cliche? I mean, if two consenting adults are both all for moving fast if it feels right, is it wrong to do so? He is talking about long term and so am I. I would like to ask him to move in. He is there everyday anyway.

 

 

Notwithstanding the aforementioned, I am being cautious because everyone says take it slow but I dont want to. It feels right. I feel comfortable with him (no red flags) and he has said that even though we are moving fast he doesnt see anything wrong with it as long as we both feel it is right. Are we wrong?

 

Moving in after two weeks???? is the definition of moving too fast.

 

I am being cautious because everyone says take it slow but I dont want to. -- Doing what you want to do is not the same as doing what's smart to do.

 

no red flags -- YET . . . the "red flags" come to light over a period of time. During the "honeymoon" phase, people are on their best behavior.

 

is it wrong to do so? -- It's not wrong, just not smart.

 

if two consenting adults are both all for moving fast -- It's good if both parties are on the same page, but in this case, both parties aren't being wise. Two consenting adults who are both all for moving fast, are just two people who aren't very smart. What's the friggin hurry?

 

You both need to chill some. This may burn out as quickly as it started and that's the what usually happens when things move too fast.

 

What is this guy's relationship history? What's your relationship history? What does he do for a living? Is he fiscally responsible? What are his life goals? What does he want for himself in 2 years, 5 years, etc.

 

How old are you two?

[BaileyB]

Yes, that is too much, too soon. Moving in together after two weeks is the very definition of "too fast."

 

And having read your previous posts and knowing that you have previously been in an abusive relationship and have children, it is definitely too much, too soon.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/627920-disclosure-new-bf-abusive-ex

 

Spend time getting to know these men - you can't possibly know someone and do your due diligence to learn whether they are a good guy in two weeks. Take more time, if you have a past history of unhealthy relationships because your picker is definitely off. And finally, don't introduce this man to your children until you are sure... My goodness, we waited six months before I met my boyfriend's son and we are more than a year into the relationship now - he's still never seen us kiss and I've never stayed over when his son is there.

 

Slow it down...

Edited June 28, 2017 by BaileyB