No_Go Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 In my case I haven't detected he's an alcoholic for a while because he had an insanely high tolerance (due to years of abuse) and was hiding his vodka bottles. After I kicked him out later I discovered bottles everywhere - under the bed, in the pillows, in the couch, in the kitchen cabinets,...like everywhere. Mine was just an exceptionally bad horror story [but mentioning an abusive ex - you've been through some as well... It is not a cliche that some of us just don't have a BS radar and get involved with losers...] Make sure you know his legal name. In my case: I did the background check using the name he presented to me (his middle name, which is the one he uses in general, but his first name was on all his arrests...). Also if he's sleeping in your house every night, I'd suggest for change in pace go to his. You have to do this for safety precaution. I don't want to get into stories here, but a simple visit like this can save you prom investing into someone still married, homeless or worse. No Go: It is a possibility he could be an alcoholic but I have not seen that yet. I have done an extensive back ground and credit check on him. I do that with everyone I go out with even before the first date. I work for a law firm so I have easy access to that. He had no history that was alarming which I could see. He does work. I have picked him up from work for dates on several occassions and I have also seen his pay stubs because I did his child support modification for his eldest whom just turned 18 so I know he makes money. In fact he makes a couple dollars more an hour than I do. I am aware that he will have some flaws that I will come across later but even if you are in a relationship for years there will be flaws that arise. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 If you have kids yes this is too fast. It's one thing to move fast if it is just your life but if there are kids involved it's not only your life---it's theirs too-- and the truth is that you just don't know enough about this person. Also what kind of message does it send to your kids? I personally think it is also too fast if it is just you but that doesn't mean it won't work or isn't as good as something that moves slower because yes sometimes it works like this. Plus how do you slow it down if you have already allowed this? That's hard to do successfully without damaging the relationship. Anyway, do you have kids? Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 It doesn't seem like there is much of a middle ground anymore. Reading on here it seems like relationships are either glacial slow like one date a week, or after 2 weeks they are staying over at each others places multiple times a week. As an adult relationships typically develop faster as you know what you are looking for, but I still think you can set yourself up for issues if you move too fast with someone who is a stranger. So yes, I think moving in with someone you didn't know existed 3 weeks ago is moving too fast. At least give it 3-6 months to get past the initial honeymoon infatuation period of the relationship IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawgirl79 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 Versacehottie: I do have kids but they arent really kids. One is 16 who lives with me (she is gone alot with her BF) and the other is 18 who lives with my ex. BF also has kids, an 18 yo who just graduated with my son and a 14 yo who lives with his ex. No Go: I have been to his house and have stayed there, we just prefer my house. The set up is a little more secluded. His house, all the bedrooms are connected together which means his sons have to walk through his to get to theirs and that was not optimal from my prospective. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawgirl79 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 To address the question of his prior relationships. He was married up until 2014 when he was divorced and has had one long term relationship that ended in 2016. He told me that both cheated on him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawgirl79 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 So after weighing each of your comments, I have come to the conclusion that maybe waiting for him to move in is my best option. Somethings I should not rush. That being said, I don't see anything wrong with moving fast. It will either work or it will not. If it does not work out, at least I found that out at a faster rate that I would by taking things slow. If it does work, then great, we both benefit. To me taking it fast is a win/win situation since my BF and I are on the same page regardless of the outcome. I would not take things at this fast pace if it was something he was not ready for but beause we are on the same page I am rolling with it. It makes sense to me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 To address the question of his prior relationships. He was married up until 2014 when he was divorced and has had one long term relationship that ended in 2016. He told me that both cheated on him. There is never a good reason for a partner to cheat, however, I find it odd that both cheated and so either HIS picker is off and he doesn't know what's good for him/how to evaluate and choose a partner or there were real issues in those relationships and he had some culpability. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 There is no such thing as too fast but going that quickly can expose you to heartbreak. The problem is you are both in the honeymoon phase where you can't see his flaws and he can't see yours. Give it several months up to a year and you'll start to see the real person. You may not like the real him or you may end up married and grow old together. It's too early to tell. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawgirl79 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 maybe both of our pickers are off and the fact that we both have been through some **** is why we are so comfortable with each other. I dont understand the reasoning for everyone always being so negative. What is wrong with being positive once in a while. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 maybe both of our pickers are off and the fact that we both have been through some **** is why we are so comfortable with each other. I dont understand the reasoning for everyone always being so negative. What is wrong with being positive once in a while. we both have been through some **** is why we are so comfortable with each other. -- Most everyone has been through some ****. What you are describing is trauma bonding which is a weak bond at best because that gives a false sense of intimacy/closeness. I'm all for positive . . . I am also all for using common sense, patience and objectivity. The bottom line here for you is to simply sit back, observe and just enjoy the time you spend with him without projecting too far into the future and keeping an open mind . . . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Kellens Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Hi Lawgirl, Me and my boyfriend also moved pretty fast. When we were dating, he wanted to see me almost every day, which was a lot to me at first but I became used to it. I was seeing him at least 5 days a week and after about a month, once we became bf/gf, he started sleeping over all the time and 2 months later he unofficially moved in. It seemed kind of crazy to me at the time but it kind of just happened. I have to admit that I have thought often that our relationship would have been different, or not lasted, if he wouldn't have moved in. I'm not sure if it's a good or a bad thing but it would have been nicer to do the whole "dating" thing a bit longer. Once he moved in it was like we were already an old married couple after like 7 months. Which is kind of cute in a way I guess but I think it might have been better if we would have waited. The difference with our experiences are that I was hesitant and he wasn't and you guys are both on the same page so maybe it will all be for the best. My relationship has lasted over a year and a half so moving fast doesn't always mean burning out fast Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 The general advice usually given is if it burns too hot and fast in the beginning that it will probably burn out just as suddenly. This has been my most recent experience. What's the rush? What are you both trying to outrun before it outs? Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight.Amber Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 maybe both of our pickers are off and the fact that we both have been through some **** is why we are so comfortable with each other. I dont understand the reasoning for everyone always being so negative. What is wrong with being positive once in a while. Allow me to interject some positivity into this scenario. One of my very best friends moved in with her boyfriend one week after meeting (on the beach one sunny summer afternoon), and they got married a year later. Every couple has their own dynamic. My philosophy is never judge by what other couples are doing or have done, judge by how you both feel and how you interact with each other. lawgirl, if you both feel it's right, then go for it. No one should be determining that but the two of you. Screw statistics. Statistics have no place within the context a blossoming relationship imo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawgirl79 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 Finally some positivity. Geesh, everyone on here seems soo negative. My sister and her now husband had a very fast relationship and they are still together after 20 years and are very happy. Yes, I may get hurt but then again, I may not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 (edited) There is no way in hell I'd move a man into my house so quickly while either one of us had minor children. No way. The kids have been through enough. ETA: Especially if I wasn't divorced yet and as of a month ago my husband wouldn't even sign separation papers. Girl, you need to take a moment to breathe here. It doesn't sound like you're making very wise decisions. Edited June 28, 2017 by CautiouslyOptimistic 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lawgirl79 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 cautiouslyoptimistic: Apparently you did not see my message stating I have made the decision NOT to move him in. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 (edited) Lawgirl, [] You are jumping into a new relationship for comfort and security which is really unfair to the new guy and not fair you either. You need to take some time for just YOU and focus on getting yourself stable and secure in your own right as an independent woman. Please do this for yourself. It's really, really important!!!! and especially since you are coming from an abusive/toxic marriage of 19 years. I cannot emphasize this enough. Edited June 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Folks, as a reminder, this thread is about dating being complicated. *IF* the thread starter has postings elsewhere that are relevant to this topic, *QUOTE THEM* and *LINK TO THEM* per LoveShack.org policy. That way the content is brought into the thread, relevance is shown, members can verify it and we don't have a bunch of second-hand hearsay interpretations. Focus on the topic, this topic. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 cautiouslyoptimistic: Apparently you did not see my message stating I have made the decision NOT to move him in. I'm glad that you've made this more sensible decision. Is your minor child at home when this new guy has been sleeping over every night? Link to post Share on other sites
divegrl Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Well considering the last couple of guys I've dated have wanted me to move, (literally move thousands of miles) and move in with them, after knowing each other a couple of weeks, I'd say this was normal!! All I know is that men fall in love hard and fast. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't! I'd say go for it! How many times do you fall in love!? I'm excited for you! Keep us updated! Good luck my friend!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 So after weighing each of your comments, I have come to the conclusion that maybe waiting for him to move in is my best option. Somethings I should not rush. That being said, I don't see anything wrong with moving fast. It will either work or it will not. If it does not work out, at least I found that out at a faster rate that I would by taking things slow. If it does work, then great, we both benefit. To me taking it fast is a win/win situation since my BF and I are on the same page regardless of the outcome. I would not take things at this fast pace if it was something he was not ready for but beause we are on the same page I am rolling with it. It makes sense to me. Your theory is flawed. You have the recipe but you don't want to wait the necessary time for a successful recipe. You know when you make cookies and they tell you to put the dough in the fridge for 1 hour before baking? Well you want to skip that part. You think having all of the ingredients put in a bowl will make the recipe perfect, it won't, there is a good reason why the recipe requires you to rest the dough in the fridge. The same way you think you and this man have everything to succeed, and you probably do, but by skipping the *rest time* you will blow it. You will blow something that could have been a perfect relationship because you wanted to rush through the recipe. Moving in with someone is a big step. If you don't wait the necessary time for your relationship to solidify you won't have the base to live through the change. Heck! couples dating for 2-3 years find the adaptation hard! and you think you can breeze through it with 2 weeks! Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Well considering the last couple of guys I've dated have wanted me to move, (literally move thousands of miles) and move in with them, after knowing each other a couple of weeks, I'd say this was normal!! All I know is that men fall in love hard and fast. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't! I'd say go for it! How many times do you fall in love!? I'm excited for you! Keep us updated! Good luck my friend!!!! Do you have children you'd be bringing into the mix? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 A big part of the fun for me in any relationship is actually "dating" the person - taking the time to get to know someone, having fun and enjoying new experiences together, enjoying every step as it comes... Besides the obvious risk that you have made another poor choice because you haven't taken the time to get to know this person past the initial hormone rush... I'm not sure why the rush to be serious so quickly. IMHO, it takes all the fun out of building a new relationship. But, to each their own. I hope it works out for you. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Do you have children you'd be bringing into the mix? She has a 16 year old daughter living under her roof. She is moving in a stranger what kind of example is she giving out as a mother and as a woman. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 A big part of the fun for me in any relationship is actually "dating" the person - taking the time to get to know someone, having fun and enjoying new experiences together, enjoying every step as it comes... Absolutely! Nothing says romance as much as picking up after him, doing his laundry and scrubbing the toilet after him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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