LDR Blindsided by Break Up

[GuardedGirl]

Three weeks ago, my long distance boyfriend showed up and broke up with me in person - our one year anniversary would have been less than 3 weeks later. We had made it through the first two semesters of his college and he only has a year left before moving back down to my city. We started off in the same city, dating for 3 months before he moved north to San Jose. I was hesitant to get into things with him, but the chemistry proved to be too much. We hung out for a month platonically, and then things happened between us. Even then, I was resigned to let him go, knowing that he was moving 6 hours north of me (in the same state). He was the one that pushed for it - he was madly in love with me and wasn't willing to let the distance get in the way. I want to reiterate that he was the one that pushed for this relationship. At the beginning, he was very heavy on contact and we saw one another a lot during the first semester of school.

 

 

He had a stressful semester this past spring, and we did have some strain about me taking things the wrong way or wondering who was hanging out with (never accusatory). I also had expressed wanting to know what was up with his social life because he knew all of my friends, and I had no idea about what was going on in his world. He had expressed subtly to me that he wanted to spend more time with his friends on his next short visit down here - my response was that we could work around that, that I knew he was only going to be here for a short time and that I wanted to at least spend a little time with him. He didn't say anything further on the matter.

Right before his visit, I left for a 5 day event where we had minimal contact. Things seemed fine, he gave me no indication that anything was at a breaking point for him. I don't know how it's needy for me to want to actually see him when he was in town, but I feel like he felt like he didn't have time for himself and couldn't go hang out with his friends without me being slightly urked that he would choose not to spend that time with me (because of the distance, not because I want every waking second of his time).

 

 

During the time I was out of contact, he decided that he didn't want to put more energy into it. But, still strung it along until he got here on Monday and I was blindsided by the break up (he told me he loved me two hours before the break up...then showed up and told me his feelings had changed - but didn't say he didn't love me). He's failed a class and has been drinking a lot more lately. He also seems like he feels like it's been a chore keeping the long distance going. We see one another infrequently, less this semester as I said, and he feels that he's isolated himself from having friends and that he's has changed himself because of me (citing that I am sensitive and that he feels like he has to watch what he says). I think part of the issue may be is that he feels like there is some sort of double-standard - that I can do what I want but that he doesn't have that freedom. Honestly, when you are in school, you can't be out all the time. It's not me that is preventing him from going out and living life...I think somehow he thinks that I am. I never told him he couldn't have a life, but all of this stuff is built up in his head. I am at a loss of what to do. He said he's tired, that he has tried and that he doesn't think things can change - he won't even give me a chance. He never communicated that anything was wrong or how he was feeling. I repeat, he never told me what he needed. Ever. Or communicated that he wasn't happy or that there was anything wrong.

 

 

At the same time, he doesn't know if this is the right decision and has told me he is scared and that he's "throwing it away." I don't know what to do. I am so heart broken because I really really love him. I want to try and fix this but can't if he isn't willing. I can't be angry with him even though I am devastated. I can't hate him because if this is the best thing for him, he needs to go through with it. The pain is unreal, I don't know what to do. He immediately delete me off Xbox live and unfriended me on Facebook (not blocked).

 

 

I did plead for him to give me a chance and rethink things during the break up (not great, I know). The first two days after the break up, we texted very lightly. I expressed how I felt it was unfair that he didn't give me a chance. I also expressed that he never communicated his issues with me. He apparently just feels this is the way I am, and that I won't change, and that things won't work.

 

 

We had contact for only two days after the break up. I told him that I couldn't hate him and that it was going to take awhile for me to be okay. Also, that I was very hurt but that I love him and that loving him means that I have to support him doing the best thing for him. The last text I sent was two days after the break up and I pretty much asked him to think about things and told him that I knew these were all minor issues that we could easily fix - and that I knew I needed to give him his space. I asked him to think on things. He didn't respond. I stopped contacting. I haven't heard from him at all - going on 20 days no contact.

 

 

I am at a loss of what to do here. Also, he told a mutual friend that he knows he's "potentially throwing something really amazing away" and that he was tempted to call the break up off while he was doing it but that he thought he would be doing that for me and if he were to come back, it would have to be for me. That same friend says he's going through "relief mode" right now and that this will fade. She says that he is in the stage of feeling "free" and the weight of things is not piled on with him.

 

 

Please, any help would be appreciated - I am really struggling. I've never been in love before (in my early 30s and he is 26).

[coolheadal]

Three weeks ago, my long distance boyfriend showed up and broke up with me in person - our one year anniversary would have been less than 3 weeks later. We had made it through the first two semesters of his college and he only has a year left before moving back down to my city. We started off in the same city, dating for 3 months before he moved north to San Jose. I was hesitant to get into things with him, but the chemistry proved to be too much. We hung out for a month platonically, and then things happened between us. Even then, I was resigned to let him go, knowing that he was moving 6 hours north of me (in the same state). He was the one that pushed for it - he was madly in love with me and wasn't willing to let the distance get in the way. I want to reiterate that he was the one that pushed for this relationship. At the beginning, he was very heavy on contact and we saw one another a lot during the first semester of school.

 

 

He had a stressful semester this past spring, and we did have some strain about me taking things the wrong way or wondering who was hanging out with (never accusatory). I also had expressed wanting to know what was up with his social life because he knew all of my friends, and I had no idea about what was going on in his world. He had expressed subtly to me that he wanted to spend more time with his friends on his next short visit down here - my response was that we could work around that, that I knew he was only going to be here for a short time and that I wanted to at least spend a little time with him. He didn't say anything further on the matter.

Right before his visit, I left for a 5 day event where we had minimal contact. Things seemed fine, he gave me no indication that anything was at a breaking point for him. I don't know how it's needy for me to want to actually see him when he was in town, but I feel like he felt like he didn't have time for himself and couldn't go hang out with his friends without me being slightly urked that he would choose not to spend that time with me (because of the distance, not because I want every waking second of his time).

 

 

During the time I was out of contact, he decided that he didn't want to put more energy into it. But, still strung it along until he got here on Monday and I was blindsided by the break up (he told me he loved me two hours before the break up...then showed up and told me his feelings had changed - but didn't say he didn't love me). He's failed a class and has been drinking a lot more lately. He also seems like he feels like it's been a chore keeping the long distance going. We see one another infrequently, less this semester as I said, and he feels that he's isolated himself from having friends and that he's has changed himself because of me (citing that I am sensitive and that he feels like he has to watch what he says). I think part of the issue may be is that he feels like there is some sort of double-standard - that I can do what I want but that he doesn't have that freedom. Honestly, when you are in school, you can't be out all the time. It's not me that is preventing him from going out and living life...I think somehow he thinks that I am. I never told him he couldn't have a life, but all of this stuff is built up in his head. I am at a loss of what to do. He said he's tired, that he has tried and that he doesn't think things can change - he won't even give me a chance. He never communicated that anything was wrong or how he was feeling. I repeat, he never told me what he needed. Ever. Or communicated that he wasn't happy or that there was anything wrong.

 

 

At the same time, he doesn't know if this is the right decision and has told me he is scared and that he's "throwing it away." I don't know what to do. I am so heart broken because I really really love him. I want to try and fix this but can't if he isn't willing. I can't be angry with him even though I am devastated. I can't hate him because if this is the best thing for him, he needs to go through with it. The pain is unreal, I don't know what to do. He immediately delete me off Xbox live and unfriended me on Facebook (not blocked).

 

 

I did plead for him to give me a chance and rethink things during the break up (not great, I know). The first two days after the break up, we texted very lightly. I expressed how I felt it was unfair that he didn't give me a chance. I also expressed that he never communicated his issues with me. He apparently just feels this is the way I am, and that I won't change, and that things won't work.

 

 

We had contact for only two days after the break up. I told him that I couldn't hate him and that it was going to take awhile for me to be okay. Also, that I was very hurt but that I love him and that loving him means that I have to support him doing the best thing for him. The last text I sent was two days after the break up and I pretty much asked him to think about things and told him that I knew these were all minor issues that we could easily fix - and that I knew I needed to give him his space. I asked him to think on things. He didn't respond. I stopped contacting. I haven't heard from him at all - going on 20 days no contact.

 

 

I am at a loss of what to do here. Also, he told a mutual friend that he knows he's "potentially throwing something really amazing away" and that he was tempted to call the break up off while he was doing it but that he thought he would be doing that for me and if he were to come back, it would have to be for me. That same friend says he's going through "relief mode" right now and that this will fade. She says that he is in the stage of feeling "free" and the weight of things is not piled on with him.

 

 

Please, any help would be appreciated - I am really struggling. I've never been in love before (in my early 30s and he is 26).

 

Can't do anything just chalk this up as a learning experience. He's not ready for you and you well this is you first love you can try OLD and find someone local instead.

[Ashl]

Sorry you are feeling hurt. From what you say, i think he'll change his mind but maybe not just yet. I don't think men do distance in the same way as us girls and they can box us off more easily. Give him chance to see what he's missing.

[DragonzRoost]

Don't contact him and please focus on yourself healing, eventually start dating. I know it feels like daggers being driven through the stomach and your heart being torn in half, but do not allow this guy to string you along. Tell your friends to keep things private that go on with him, there is no reason for them to share this with you. It will hurt each time and may cause the pain to set back in. Allow yourself to cry, even if you can't form any more tears or develop swollen eyes. For him to debate on calling off the breakup is selfish and playing games with your emotions..don't give him that ability. The truth? He is looking for other woman and I understand that is a huge spoon full to swallow. Call it the end and move on with yourself, not him.. You can continue to love someone even if they may not feel the same, given it happened so suddenly. I find that not contacting and moving on most times, makes ex's start contact. By that time you start to see how better it is without them.

Edited July 13, 2017 by DragonzRoost

[GuardedGirl]

I do indeed feel better. Went completely no contact with him for over a month before I contacted him to set up payment arrangements for the money that he owed me (he had borrowed $600 total over the course of him being in school). It was going to take him 10 months total to pay me. And I was super accommodating about it until I found out from mutual friends that he had actually been planning the break up for 3 months (as in he had already decided to break things off but then was still borrowing money from me and using me to edit papers). He just waited until summer came around because of convenience for him. How ****ty. He had also told me that he was couldn't afford to pay me the money he owed me any faster than he was ($50 a month) but then I found out that he was just partying and going to shows a lot. After learning all this, I put my foot down and told him I'd be going to his parents if he didn't pay me the money he owed me. He blocked me on Facebook and then I got my money back within a month along with his request for me to never contact him again. I told him no problem. Essentially, all he did was lie to me and use me. From all of this, I just feel that he is a super selfish person. I know I am better off without him. He was so upset with me for not considering his position in anything (regarding the money owed). However, I feel that he got what was coming to him. The day after the break up he was rear ended into another vehicle and they ended up totally his car and giving him very little for it. I know he's had a pretty unhappy summer and that things haven't gone the way that he planned. But, I can't help but feel that he is getting the karma he deserves for being a generally ****ty human being and coward. Figured I'd give you the update.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I do indeed feel better. Went completely no contact with him for over a month before I contacted him to set up payment arrangements for the money that he owed me (he had borrowed $600 total over the course of him being in school). It was going to take him 10 months total to pay me. And I was super accommodating about it until I found out from mutual friends that he had actually been planning the break up for 3 months (as in he had already decided to break things off but then was still borrowing money from me and using me to edit papers). He just waited until summer came around because of convenience for him. How ****ty. He had also told me that he was couldn't afford to pay me the money he owed me any faster than he was ($50 a month) but then I found out that he was just partying and going to shows a lot. After learning all this, I put my foot down and told him I'd be going to his parents if he didn't pay me the money he owed me. He blocked me on Facebook and then I got my money back within a month along with his request for me to never contact him again. I told him no problem. Essentially, all he did was lie to me and use me. From all of this, I just feel that he is a super selfish person. I know I am better off without him. He was so upset with me for not considering his position in anything (regarding the money owed). However, I feel that he got what was coming to him. The day after the break up he was rear ended into another vehicle and they ended up totally his car and giving him very little for it. I know he's had a pretty unhappy summer and that things haven't gone the way that he planned. But, I can't help but feel that he is getting the karma he deserves for being a generally ****ty human being and coward. Figured I'd give you the update.

 

You are not responsible for what happens to him and how imperfect his summer has become, etc. It turns out that he was using you.

 

I wish I believed in karma. So many jerks in our world taking advantage of their status, selfish lives at the expense of others. Oh, well...

[justwhoiam]

GuardedGirl, you're my hero

You've been so in control... Unlike me, I guess...

[GuardedGirl]

It's a crap feeling when someone you have a lot of love to give and have someone else take advantage or be dishonest. I can only offer words of support. I deserved so much better than my ex doing me dirty as he did, and so do you in terms of whatever happened or is happening in your relationship. Idk if it's because I am older now and have put up with crap treatment in relationships in the past, but my tolerance for the BS has gone down and I am just unwilling to put up with things like this anymore. Yeah, what happened hurt but again, I know I deserve better. I hope you find or have found the strength to say "enough is enough" and put your foot down.