subtle emotional abuse

[fieldoflavender]

I'm trying to understand the difference between saying "mean" or "hurtful" things when you're in the middle of a fight and really angry at someone versus labeling it as "emotional abuse". And even if someone doesn't say mean things, but they do other things that are equally controlling, does that mean they had no role in it at all?

 

examples - you are very upset during a situation and don't want your partner to touch you or hug you because your'e so repelled by it at the moment, but they keep force hugging you and over time (it's happened a few times), you feel conditioned that them hugging you even when you don't want it at that time is okay and you don't fight it anymore.

 

-you keep saying there is something wrong with the relationship because you're crying most days than not, but they just tell you that they will make you happy and will guarantee you happiness, and they will improve for the better (even for things that are not their fault) and that you can't leave them

 

-you try to tell them that you're not ready for certain commitments, but they tell you that you're happy and you're ready

 

-sometimes you have sex even when you're unhappy about something after a fight - no physical coercion or anything but you don't want to upset them, and then when you bring it up that's happened, they make you feel guilty about it because they claim they feel nauseous about it, and then you feel unjustified to say it

 

-everytime you are still mad over an argument, you get flowers/gifts the next day and you feel guilty you were even mad to begin with

 

-everytime you mention something about their family member that you don't like - they will reassure you that you are overreacting

 

-one time you lashed out at something and said hurtful things about an ex that hurt them - and then they showed intimacy later in a semi-forceful way that you went along with since you felt guilty, but felt incredibly uncomfortable with (and they probably deep down knew it was uncomfortable for you)

 

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In these situations - the person hasn't actually said a mean thing or called you a mean name - but are those instances still considered controlling/or even "abuse" or are they just characteristics of incompatibility? Are they necessarily that much better than if someone actually just lashed out and said mean things because they couldn't control themselves? (not that that's okay either)

[basil67]

While a couple of things in this sound iffy, I wouldn't go as far as calling it emotional abuse - especially given that I don't know his side of the story. But I will say that it sounds very dysfunctional on both sides. All this arguing would have been awful for both of you.

 

I think it would be well worth getting therapy to find out why you stayed in a relationship which clearly wasn't meeting your needs.

[somanymistakes]

it's probably best not to get hung up over the definitions of was it X or was it Y, hair-splitting can just derail into pointless fights as people argue over whether something is "bad enough" to count and that's not going to make you feel any better.

 

is there a reason you need a consensus on it? if not, i'd just settle for "this isn't working out" and spend that energy getting into a better place instead

[fieldoflavender]

Thanks for the feedback - it's over now. I am just trying to understand for myself to improve for the next relationship or just in general improvement.

 

I just want to really understand if it truly was all my fault as my ex told me - or whether I was reacting to some things he did.

 

I agree that it's done. I just don't want to relive history again. I know the signs and clues now, and I won't make the same mistakes, but we all meet new challenges in every relationship and every new partner.

 

Because this is the first time in any relationship or any aspect of my life that I've acted in this way, and felt so terrible about myself - and so unhappy, I just wonder if it was something we had both done. I'm okay accepting it was all my fault too, I just think for my personal closure, it helps.

[angiefly]

Thanks for the feedback - it's over now. I am just trying to understand for myself to improve for the next relationship or just in general improvement.

 

I just want to really understand if it truly was all my fault as my ex told me - or whether I was reacting to some things he did.

 

I agree that it's done. I just don't want to relive history again. I know the signs and clues now, and I won't make the same mistakes, but we all meet new challenges in every relationship and every new partner.

 

Because this is the first time in any relationship or any aspect of my life that I've acted in this way, and felt so terrible about myself - and so unhappy, I just wonder if it was something we had both done. I'm okay accepting it was all my fault too, I just think for my personal closure, it helps.

Try not to get hung up on who's fault or how much fault is yours. It's great to learn from our mistakes but not to dwell on them. I'd say you weren't compatible and move forward from here. You seem to be on the right path.