I've told him I'm not happy - what now?

[Undercoverirish]

I married my husband after a whirlwind romance and I've been realising over the past few months that I'm not happy. I've been trying to process these thoughts although I've really known the answer for a long time... I want to separate.

 

I've told my husband that I'm not happy and we've talked about why - the most difficult thing about it is that he's a wonderful person and an amazing dad. But it's just not there for me and I don't think I can get it back and I'm not sure if I want to.

 

My husband is very distraught and is looking to work on this and I've told him I will. I just feel a bit lost right now and I'm worried to make the final decision in case it's the wrong one. How can you be 100% certain with something like this?!

 

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

[central]

Well, you can almost never be 100% certain. But, is what's missing something that can be fixed? Can he change? Can you change? Change isn't easy, and often impossible - and should never be forced or be contrary to someone's fundamental nature and personality.

 

 

So, depending on what's missing, the answer is probably very, very clear already - you just have to be open and willing to see it and act on it.

[BaileyB]

There is never 100% certainty in any decision.

 

I think, before you make such a life altering decision, you owe it to yourself and your husband to get some individual counselling, if you haven't done so already.

 

Is it possible, that what is missing is something within you and not actually related to your husband or your marriage? I would kindly and respectfully suggest, having seen your other post that you wanted to be involved in an affair with another man, that the issue may be something YOU need to discover and work on... In which case, it would be a shame to leave your marriage and break up your family.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/627051-he-s-vanished-our-emotional-affair

 

Divorce should only be an option, when you have done the work and know that you are in a healthy place. It should only be an option when you know the relationship is definitely, and irretrivably, broken.

 

I say this because I have a dear friend who felt much the same way that you do... unhappy in her marriage, she had an affair, and left her marriage only to discover... that she regretted her decision to leave her husband and break up her family. This kind of decision, is not the be taken lightly. Get some counselling before you change everyone's life, forever.

Edited June 22, 2017 by BaileyB

[whichwayisup]

Does your husband know that you let yourself have a teenaged-crush on your co worker? That it was an EA?

 

It seems like this has much to do about what you feel towards your husband.

 

How long have you been married and how old is your child(ren)?

 

It would be a shame to end your marriage without seeking counseling with your husband. You owe it to him and to your child to give your marriage your best.

 

Once this other man is out of your system and feelings are gone there, you may see your husband in a different light.

[mikeylo]

Any marriage would fade when compared with an affair.

 

Give your marriage a chance by going Ic and MC before calling it quits.

[DKT3]

Does your husband know that you let yourself have a teenaged-crush on your co worker? That it was an EA?

 

It seems like this has much to do about what you feel towards your husband.

 

How long have you been married and how old is your child(ren)?

 

It would be a shame to end your marriage without seeking counseling with your husband. You owe it to him and to your child to give your marriage your best.

 

Once this other man is out of your system and feelings are gone there, you may see your husband in a different light.

 

I didn't even read any other of her threads and I knew there was another guy involved. So transparent....I guess there is actually a playbook

[PegNosePete]

Yes as the others have said. You need to:

 

a) End your EA (if you haven't already) and cut off the OM

b) Tell your husband the truth

c) See an MC

[somanymistakes]

Once this other man is out of your system and feelings are gone there, you may see your husband in a different light.

 

out of curiosity, if someone cuts off the OM/OW completely, has no contact for a year, and the feelings are still not gone, would this affect your advice any?

 

Regardless of the feelings being gone or not I think at least exploring the option of counseling is a good idea. It's MUCH better to have tried than to realise later that you wish you had.

[CharruaS]

I married my husband after a whirlwind romance and I've been realising over the past few months that I'm not happy. I've been trying to process these thoughts although I've really known the answer for a long time... I want to separate.

 

I've told my husband that I'm not happy and we've talked about why - the most difficult thing about it is that he's a wonderful person and an amazing dad. But it's just not there for me and I don't think I can get it back and I'm not sure if I want to.

 

My husband is very distraught and is looking to work on this and I've told him I will. I just feel a bit lost right now and I'm worried to make the final decision in case it's the wrong one. How can you be 100% certain with something like this?!

 

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

 

 

Don't give up on your marriage. I don't know the entire story and I don't know if there is an affair involved like some people have said, but if your husband is willing to work on your marriage you are really lucky and I think it's worth it for you to try to work on things as well. We are in control of our emotions and if you fell in love with your husband once, you can do it again. There is an amazing resource I know of that helps marriages on the brink of divorce, it's worth it to give them a call and seek help. It's a free consultation, 866.875.2915. I pray that you will find the strength in you to work on your marriage and give your child a loving, united home.

[DKT3]

out of curiosity, if someone cuts off the OM/OW completely, has no contact for a year, and the feelings are still not gone, would this affect your advice any?

 

Regardless of the feelings being gone or not I think at least exploring the option of counseling is a good idea. It's MUCH better to have tried than to realise later that you wish you had.

 

We have alot of married women here who with distance realized that they didn't want to give up the marriage even if they still have feelings. I would even say, from what I read most likely f the married women here still have feelings but now understand it's a terrible idea to attempt a relationship. And by default stay in the marriges... husband is good enough I guess.

[whichwayisup]

out of curiosity, if someone cuts off the OM/OW completely, has no contact for a year, and the feelings are still not gone, would this affect your advice any?

 

Regardless of the feelings being gone or not I think at least exploring the option of counseling is a good idea. It's MUCH better to have tried than to realise later that you wish you had.

 

Those feelings wouldn't be continually fed. And no I wouldn't change my advice. The effort and energy would be put into her husband only, not the OM/MM.

[Undercoverirish]

There is never 100% certainty in any decision.

 

I think, before you make such a life altering decision, you owe it to yourself and your husband to get some individual counselling, if you haven't done so already.

 

Is it possible, that what is missing is something within you and not actually related to your husband or your marriage? I would kindly and respectfully suggest, having seen your other post that you wanted to be involved in an affair with another man, that the issue may be something YOU need to discover and work on... In which case, it would be a shame to leave your marriage and break up your family.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/627051-he-s-vanished-our-emotional-affair

 

Divorce should only be an option, when you have done the work and know that you are in a healthy place. It should only be an option when you know the relationship is definitely, and irretrivably, broken.

 

I say this because I have a dear friend who felt much the same way that you do... unhappy in her marriage, she had an affair, and left her marriage only to discover... that she regretted her decision to leave her husband and break up her family. This kind of decision, is not the be taken lightly. Get some counselling before you change everyone's life, forever.

 

That's really good advice and it's certainly not a decision I'm taking lightly.

 

I think that the desire to have an affair was me exiting my marriage. I actually told my husband in February that I thought our marriage was over and. Ofhing has changed from then. I think I've drifted so gradually that I didn't even realise I was that unhappy.

[Undercoverirish]

Does your husband know that you let yourself have a teenaged-crush on your co worker? That it was an EA?

 

It seems like this has much to do about what you feel towards your husband.

 

How long have you been married and how old is your child(ren)?

 

It would be a shame to end your marriage without seeking counseling with your husband. You owe it to him and to your child to give your marriage your best.

 

Once this other man is out of your system and feelings are gone there, you may see your husband in a different light.

 

I haven't told him about the EA, no. Although the problems with hubby outdate the OMM. We've been married for 3.5 years, together for 5. And our daughter is 3.

[Undercoverirish]

Yes as the others have said. You need to:

 

a) End your EA (if you haven't already) and cut off the OM

b) Tell your husband the truth

c) See an MC

 

It's done already - the cord has been cut. I'm reluctant to tell HB about the EA as it's a colleague I work with and I don't want to make things any worse for him than they already are.

[Undercoverirish]

out of curiosity, if someone cuts off the OM/OW completely, has no contact for a year, and the feelings are still not gone, would this affect your advice any?

 

Regardless of the feelings being gone or not I think at least exploring the option of counseling is a good idea. It's MUCH better to have tried than to realise later that you wish you had.

 

Sadly, no contact for a year isn't an option! We work together and I have to speak to him every day (however contact is limited to online and telephone communication as we're not based in the same office).

 

Part of me wants to feel like I've given it my all, and part of me just wants to walk away. I have told my HB that I will work on it and we've committed to working on our issues.

[aileD]

So what are your values about marriage and parenthood? Are you staying true to them?

[DKT3]

Sadly, no contact for a year isn't an option! We work together and I have to speak to him every day (however contact is limited to online and telephone communication as we're not based in the same office).

 

Part of me wants to feel like I've given it my all, and part of me just wants to walk away. I have told my HB that I will work on it and we've committed to working on our issues.

 

Working on issues only work when you work on all the he issues. So if you aren't being honest about who you are and what you're doing then your not working on anything, only looking to blame your husband.... judging from your decision making process and lack of boundaries it's clear you are responsible for the issues in your marriage as well.

[Undercoverirish]

There's a lot of different reasons behind me getting to this point. And although I recognise that me having feelings for another man doesn't help, it certainly isn't the cause. The reality of it is that I checked out of my marriage months ago and I've already moved on in a way - this is apparent when I've been speaking to my husband and he's been crying and I've sat almost in stoney silence.

 

We met 5 years ago and it felt like love at first sight, the lust was incredible and we couldn't get enough of each other. Within a year, we were pregnant and had booked our wedding.

 

By the time we had our little girl, we were struggling financially to afford full time childcare costs and I had post natal depression. From that point onwards, all of our difficulties were put down to the fact that we were finding it so tough and as things improved financially for us, we waited patiently for our relationship to improve and it didn't. My husband was away for a few days in February with his dad and brother and I didn't want him to come home - this was my first panic that something was majorly wrong. That weekend, I started looking at houses for me to move out. I cried to my husband when he came home and told him I felt like it wasn't over (I knew I wasn't in love with him at that point). He hugged me and reassured me that everything was fine and that things were getting better for us.

 

I've shed my tears over the last few months, waiting for things to improve and now I'm here - 4 months later, with a brief EA under my belt. I'm just relieved it didn't get physical.

 

Me and my husband are very different in terms of where we want to go in life. I'm the main earner and I'm incredibly ambitious and materialistic. My husband is very happy with his lot in life and has no desire to work hard to get nice things - he'd love to be living mortgage free, with solar panels on the roof and a composting toilet. He even stated on Saturday that at work, there being pushed to improve and develop and go the extra mile and he doesn't want to.)3 just wants to go in and do his job and come home. In addition to this, there's a lot of smaller things, and I do feel he has changed since we met and as he's taken on the stereotypical "mother" role.

 

I love him as a person but I don't have the same respect and admiration for him as I once did as a partner and I think the reality is that during our short time together, we've spent more of it out of live than in love. He's an amazing dad and a lovely man (everyone loves him, he's a very likeable guy).

[Majormisstep]

OP, I was where you are now. My xH would have happily lived in a used trailer (caravan - depending where you're from) in the back woods and bushes. That would have been bliss for him. I like shopping in NYC, getting my nails done and showering every day. Anyway, what I'm trying to say here is we were polar opposites. Made it work for 23 years, well limped along actually, and then split. There was no meeting in the middle, he balked against 'cleaning up' and I had no desire to trap my own food. Exaggeration but you see where I'm going here.

 

If you with 100% certainty cannot envision the more simpler lifestyle or your H flatly refuses to become more of a provider, then it will be a matter of time before this comes to a head and you do have a full blown affair. And with that comes a whole host of other more severe problems.

 

Talk to a marriage counsellor. Do everything you possibly can before throwing in the towel.

 

Also, my xH was the most wonderful, kind man. We just had such completely different POV's it would have been a monumental challenge to put us both on the same page.

 

ps - X is super happy with his new lady. I'm alone. Go figure.