Young, lost and probably very foolish - is this over?

[lostintheuk]

Warning - this is long (sorry!). Firstly, please know that I am posting for support about my other man/man with family - I know I have behaved badly.

 

I have been married for a year and a half, and with my partner for four years. No children. Our relationship is good but there is a key part of it which is terrible: the sex. Since the beginning the sex has not been great. I am a much more sexual person than him, and I hoped things would improve but they have got worse and worse. He is constantly ‘too tired’ for sex. After a while I stopped pushing for it because it made me feel terrible and insecure. I have discussed it with him and begged for him to go to the Drs or a psychiatrist. It improves for a bit but always goes back to how it was before. We behave like best friends. To give you some background about me – I am 28, above average in looks (please don't think I am arrogant, I just want to give you a full idea because all his friends tell him I'm beautiful and how lucky he is). I am also a kind and open person and educated. It has been destroying my confidence so much that I started wondering if I should get plastic surgery to make myself more attractive but deep down know this is a silly idea.

 

Three months ago I was working abroad. Completely unexpectedly I met a Belgian man and when we laid eyes on each other, we both were visibly shocked because the chemistry was stronger than anything I have ever experienced before. We started talking for hours, and then he kissed me. Let me say I had no intention of ever cheating on my partner, ever. The next day, things developed and the chemistry was so great that we became physical. It was the most sexually awakening experience I’ve ever encountered. He felt it too, he was vocal about this. This lasted for the entire five days we were on the trip. He knew I was married and I told him my situation. I think we made love more times than it’s happened with my husband in around a year. He kept saying that he was fighting with his head and heart because by the end of the intense days, he was developing strong feelings but knew we were in different locations. I didn’t push at this point. I expected it to be over after I went home. At the end of the trip, he started calling me telling me he couldn’t let me go, had to see me again, would move to the UK for me. He was completely infatuated. That evening he called me to tell me he had a gf and two children and he didn’t want our relationship to be based on a lie. I was very shocked and felt guilty. But he said that the relationship had been declining for 3 out of the 8 years and that it would ultimately one day end with or without me. He said he had watched his own parents try to keep it together for the kids and that it hadn’t worked. He’s 27 and works as a coach driver. He has mentioned before that I’m ‘too good for him’ in terms of looks and career, says things like 'how did I manage to attract a woman like you?'. On a side note, his girlfriend is very, very overweight (she's on social media), and supposedly doesn't have a sex drive matched to his - cliche I know. He said this is a big problem for him and that they had grown into two different people – being together since 19.

 

For the next month, he wanted to talk to me ALL the time, sending me texts when he woke up and calling me on the phone for hours. The connection deepened and I agreed to go and see him in Belgium. I told him I couldn’t make a decision about leaving my marriage because I am at the last part of a post-graduate degree and needed to get through it (and also because of course I didn’t know him well so couldn't make a rash decision). When we saw each other, the feelings deepened again. We were like madly in love teenagers. He professed his love for me, and I told him I felt it back. He introduced me to his brother too, the most important member of his family. Then on the penultimate day, he told me that he was scared to lose me but that after he’d returned from meeting me the first time, his gf had told him she is pregnant again and he wanted to be open with me. He says she is obsessed with little babies and when they get to toddler age she misses the 'new baby' feeling and wants more. He only ever wanted 1 child at this point. She is supposedly on the pill (this is the 2nd time she's become pregnant by 'accident'). Yes, it’s terribly messy I thought, I should probably RUN but love is messy and these situations are not black and white.

 

After seeing him he ramped up the contact, calling three times a day, sending messages saying that he wanted to be with me so badly it hurt, and saying that he’d never felt this way and that he believed I could be the love of his life. He also cancelled a long trip to Scandinavia because he said he wanted to spend the summer seeing me more. I too was developing feelings and thinking more and more about leaving my husband. But I wasn’t sure, and I was nervous because I didn’t know him well enough. I asked him a lot of questions about whether he could be faithful and loving to me – I wanted to make sure that if I left my marriage it would be for someone who could offer as best a basis as possible for a relationship.

 

Last month he came to see me in the UK. Again, this meeting was driven by him. The trip went well, but I was a bit stressed and the sex was a bit rushed sometimes (he commented that we didn’t spend as long enjoying it and that he found it difficult to last very long because he was so attracted to me). He is honest to a fault sometimes. He gave me a very expensive necklace for my birthday with the symbol of infinity (because he said his love was eternal for me). He also met my mother, at his request (a difficult situation as my mum is torn about what’s happening but is an incredibly kind and compassionate person). He wanted to meet her because he knew she is the most important person in my life.

 

 

Later that day I had to make a call to my husband in front of him and he didn’t like it (he told me afterwards). On the next and last day, he was going to come with me to my next job and stay in the hotel for one night. In the morning, he said he wasn’t sure he could come to the hotel. I was upset. He said it’s because it’s even further away from the ferry. Then he said he was going because I wasn’t leaving my husband, and that he felt like he was the ‘fifth wheel’ and that I would never leave and had hated listening to the conversation between me and him on the phone. I said I just needed time and he said he’d always known it wouldn’t happen until September and that he was being unreasonable. He said I was worth waiting for.

 

We spent the day together and I thought he’d stay. Then in the evening, he said he was going to go and that he felt guilty he hadn’t seen his children for ages. I suddenly had this feeling that he was never going to be able to be with me. I started crying and said I think we should end it. He asked me if there was a solution to us being together that didn’t involve him moving. I said I didn’t think so. He said he didn’t think he could move from his children to the UK (understandable). I said I understood but I kept crying. I realised the depth of my feelings in that moment. He also said that sometimes he feels like texting me and saying ‘get in touch when you’ve left your husband’ but couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was sad during the conversation too. He said ‘you’re just going to end it with me?’ ‘can we not even speak anymore’? I said no, because I thought it would be easier if we didn’t. He said he would come to the hotel with me because I was so upset, but I told him it was more important to go home to his children. I left in a terrible, terrible state.

 

He tried to call me twice that night. I ignored both calls. I was devastated at the thought that it was over. The next day I felt like I was dying inside. Finally, in the night I called him. He answered from sleep and said we could talk tomorrow. When we talked the next day I told him I was thinking about coming to Belgium to be with him. That I didn’t want to lose him. That I would look into work and opportunities to move. He was very happy, said he felt like he’d won the lottery. He was quieter with his texts though during the day. The next day we spoke again, he said he had told his brother’s girlfriend that I might come to be with him, he was so excited (his brother’s gf is friends with his gf so I thought this was a pretty risky move). He mentioned ‘winning the lottery’ again. The next day, I didn’t really hear from him. And then the next day was the day his girlfriend was going to be induced (he’d known the day she was going to be induced just before he came to see me in the UK). She smokes terribly, has a history of cervical problems too. I texted him and he replied saying he was at the hospital. I said I wanted to wish him a happy birthday and he said ‘thank you darling xxxx’ then he said he promised he would call me later, and I said ‘I love you’ and he said ‘love you too xxxx’.

 

Then I heard NOTHING from him. I called and left a voicemail saying I’d hoped the birth went well and that his gf was ok. Nothing. Then the next evening I said ‘can you just let me know if you’re ok. I care. I hope your baby is ok’. He read it. No reply. Then I got fed up and I sent a long message. It said ‘If it is over between us, please do the decent thing and let me know. You said you have been hurt and disappointed by people in the past. Please don’t do that to me. All I did was love you. I was going to give up so much to be with you. I would have left the UK for you, loved your 3 children, and supported your career. I have a good heart. I understand that maybe your feelings have changed now you have a new baby, and that maybe you want to make it work with your girlfriend. But I am sure you can understand why I am confused because just days ago you said you felt like you had won the lottery when I said I was thinking about coming to Belgium. Please let me know what’s happening. Don’t be childish and ignore me. Be honest. If it is over, do the kind thing and let me know so I can move on with my life…’. Read and no reply.

 

I heard nothing for 2 weeks. I tried to accept it but I was in terrible agony. I went to Rome for a couple of days to forget and came out of a bar at 11.30 on a Friday night to find a missed call from him. I wanted to throw up. I called back. He was in a hotel room for work, told me he was a bit tipsy and finally had the courage to call me. I asked why he was calling and he told me he had thought of me every day, missed me, missed hearing my voice, had been falling apart and drinking heavily in the bar every night. And that he was miserable and all he did was worry. He also said that he wanted to see me 'could I come to Switzerland or Belgium to see him?'. He also said the big question that was going on in his head was whether we had a future. I said I thought we should talk when we both weren't a bit drunk. The next day I called him and we had a 5 min conversation because he was working. He said again that the reason he had called was because he missed me. Then the next day he called me after I sent a text asking if we could talk properly. We had 10 mins before he had to drive again. He talked about how he didn't know how he felt, but knew he wanted to see me again, that we couldn't leave things how they were. I said 'to say goodbye?' and he said 'no, not to say goodbye, that he just needed to see me'. Again he said he had thought of me every day. Then he said he would call back later, but instead sent a text saying he would call the next day. He didn't.

 

On Tuesday I got fed up and sent a message telling him that I loved him and cared deeply for him but that I didn't deserve to be ignored and treated that way. I told him I knew he'd called on Friday because he was uninhibited and that he let his true feelings out. Then I said that he either needed to call me to talk properly that day, or that I would disappear forever, and not talk to him ever again. He didn't call. I knew he wouldn't because he seems to shut down quite easily.

 

Yesterday I felt good, like I had made the final decision and that I could start NC. But now I realise I feel good because I know he misses me, thinks of me all the time and I think he will contact me again. I know he's in turmoil about what to do. Am I a complete fool to think this isn't the last I will hear from him? When I think it's the end I can barely cope because I feel so desperately heartbroken.

 

I know and realise that my husband is a separate issue that needs to be sorted. But I can't sort it in this state. Yes, I realise we will probably end up divorced because sex is important to me.

 

I am adamant that I will make no contact with Belgian man. But do you think this is the last? I know most of the situations are doomed and that everything is against this...but my mother met my father in the same way and left her husband for him (with a child) and they are still together 40 years later. I can't let go of the hope - if this man turned up and asked me to go with him, I would go and I would try to make it work with every fibre of my being...please don't rip me apart I am feeling desperately fragile

[ms millie]

From the way you can remember every detail of this relationship, it seems you have been going over and over every moment of it. Replays don't help.

This man has three children and actually contacted you while his third child was being born. When he wants to see you it's nonstop calling and bombardment-go here, come there...I am sure that you were swept off your feet but what a broom this man has! I was exhausted trying to read your post. Whether you feel you have been manipulated or not, you have been victimized and it would be foolish to get sucked into this again. If you enjoyed the times you had with him, keep those memories. But stay NC because this guy won't let up-WHEN HE WANTS YOU.

[whichwayisup]

This man has a family, a new baby and kids with his partner. She isn't "just a girlfriend or a pretend live in. He's built a life with her.

 

Best thing you can do is never see or speak to him again. Do you really think you can just up and move? Start a new life with someone else and play step mom to his children? That's fantasy and wishful thinking! You aren't even divorced yet and already making life long plans with this guy, whom by the way, you don't know that well. You only have his side of things and who knows what is true and what isn't.

 

It's obvious that neither of you are in any position to make promises or commit to one another.

 

Back to your husband, divorce him. He deserves to be with someone who will love and accept him for who he is, someone better sexually matched.

[Overtaxed]

I've said this too many times today, so I'm not going to rehash the entire thing. Short version, your being played in your A. Your a side dish to this man, if you are OK with that, you just want the sex, and you can live with what it will do to his W when she finds out, proceed. If you want something else, get out now and never look back, you're not going to marry him, he's not going to leave her, and you'll blow up your life trying to make this into something it's not.

 

As to your husbands sexual issue. And yes, it's probably an issue. He probably has low testosterone. Get him checked out, make sure you go with him and don't accept no for an answer (doctors don't like writing for it). I can promise you with a very high level of confidence, get his testosterone level up to high-normal and his sex drive will come roaring back. It's not magic, it's biology, and testosterone is "THE" (emphasis intended) sex hormone. It's a fixable problem, it really is, if you want to try to fix it with him.

[lostintheuk]

But I am a married woman and I wasn't playing him? Why do you think his feelings weren't real? I think he never intended to get involved emotionally and then got carried away. As did I. But I resisted at first, because I thought in reality I would never leave my husband. But then I fell hard for him. He wasn't a 'side dish' to me...

 

He spent over £1000 on visiting me/hotel rooms/a necklace. Even his brother said he'd never seen him try to impress a woman so much. If he was a player, wouldn't it have been cheaper to find someone in his own country? If he was a player, why didn't he just call it quits after the 5 days of sex on the boat? It would have been so easy to walk away at that stage.

 

Why do you think he called me last Friday? It set me back so much hearing how much he was missing me and how miserable he was.

 

Do you think this is it now that I've said I'm disappearing and will never talk to him again? I mean are there ever instances of them never contacting again?

 

I'm in agonising pain over this...I never thought I'd have to go through this level or heart ache again...

[What_Did_I_Do]

Because he got swept up in the emotions too. Caught between keeping that euphoric feeling with you and being the family man. He chose the latter. Sorry Lost.

 

My xH had a similar sex drive as your H. I thought at the beginning of my M that our differences wouldn't be an issue. It was. So if it a significant problem now, it will become a major problem down the road.

[Overtaxed]

But I am a married woman and I wasn't playing him? Why do you think his feelings weren't real? I think he never intended to get involved emotionally and then got carried away. As did I. But I resisted at first, because I thought in reality I would never leave my husband. But then I fell hard for him. He wasn't a 'side dish' to me...

 

He spent over £1000 on visiting me/hotel rooms/a necklace. Even his brother said he'd never seen him try to impress a woman so much. If he was a player, wouldn't it have been cheaper to find someone in his own country? If he was a player, why didn't he just call it quits after the 5 days of sex on the boat? It would have been so easy to walk away at that stage.

 

Why do you think he called me last Friday? It set me back so much hearing how much he was missing me and how miserable he was.

 

Do you think this is it now that I've said I'm disappearing and will never talk to him again? I mean are there ever instances of them never contacting again?

 

I'm in agonising pain over this...I never thought I'd have to go through this level or heart ache again...

 

IDK, were you playing him? Only you can answer that question. If you were honest with what you wanted, and honest with your intentions, no, you were not.

 

I think his feelings weren't real because he is/was in love with someone else. Men don't do "love" easily, we really don't. We say it, but we don't actually feel it all that often. It's very easy for us to separate love and sex. It's ingrained in our DNA actually, we're selected from a long line of men who didn't get too "hung up" on a woman because, if we did, we couldn't have as many children.

 

You decide if "this is it". If you leave the door open, I suspect he'll be back when things are going badly at home, or he's bored, or he's horny, or he's just wondering if you're still "into him". But you decide. Block him from all means of contact, and yes, it will be over. Leave the decision to him, no, I doubt it's over, because, end of the day, it's much easier to have sex with someone you've already had sex with than someone new. Every man knows this.

 

Sure, it would have been easy to walk away after the 5 days on the boat. But why? Think about it like a man, you've got a girl who's willing to sleep with you, why would you blow that up? Keep it rolling, keep her engaged and keep her around for when you want sex/validation/pictures/whatever. There's no upside to blowing it up and no reason to do so. That's why he didn't do it; I wouldn't do it either in that situation. I know it's hard, but thinking about this from a man's perspective, it makes perfect sense, he's doing exactly what I'd do.

 

You don't understand what a "player" is. It's not the image you have in your mind of "Mr. Smooth" at the bar out for a ONS. Yes, some are like that, but that's a rare skill and not your typical player. A typical player is much more like you describe, those things he gave you; those are hooks. The way he's talked about you to others (hoping it gets back to you) more hooks. And listen, he may not be a player, but, absent other evidence, it's always best to assume that is the case. It also doesn't matter, he's breaking your heart, so, who cares if another girl(s) are also in this situation right now? It's about you, and what you want, and you healing, not what level of a**hole this guy is, a level 10 or a level 15. What difference does it make?

[lostintheuk]

He chose it even though he was miserable/drinking every night and leaving his gf to deal with the new baby. That's not treating someone with love, and I realise that that shows how flawed his character is. He tried to break up with her while we were together but she threatened to limit his access to the children. He just kept saying he was searching for a solution, a way we could have a future...I guess he did the respectable thing.

 

Do you think he is hurting too? Or that I've just slipped right out of his memory? He put so much in to this - was so determined to be with me and begging me to leave my husband. He said he'd never marry her, and he felt I was the kind of woman he could see himself marrying. Surely this pain must be plaguing him too? Will he reach out one day? I will NEVER reach out first. I must sound crazy, but that's why I'm here I guess...

[lostintheuk]

IDK, were you playing him? Only you can answer that question. If you were honest with what you wanted, and honest with your intentions, no, you were not.

 

I think his feelings weren't real because he is/was in love with someone else. Men don't do "love" easily, we really don't. We say it, but we don't actually feel it all that often. It's very easy for us to separate love and sex. It's ingrained in our DNA actually, we're selected from a long line of men who didn't get too "hung up" on a woman because, if we did, we couldn't have as many children.

 

You decide if "this is it". If you leave the door open, I suspect he'll be back when things are going badly at home, or he's bored, or he's horny, or he's just wondering if you're still "into him". But you decide. Block him from all means of contact, and yes, it will be over. Leave the decision to him, no, I doubt it's over, because, end of the day, it's much easier to have sex with someone you've already had sex with than someone new. Every man knows this.

 

Sure, it would have been easy to walk away after the 5 days on the boat. But why? Think about it like a man, you've got a girl who's willing to sleep with you, why would you blow that up? Keep it rolling, keep her engaged and keep her around for when you want sex/validation/pictures/whatever. There's no upside to blowing it up and no reason to do so. That's why he didn't do it; I wouldn't do it either in that situation. I know it's hard, but thinking about this from a man's perspective, it makes perfect sense, he's doing exactly what I'd do.

 

You don't understand what a "player" is. It's not the image you have in your mind of "Mr. Smooth" at the bar out for a ONS. Yes, some are like that, but that's a rare skill and not your typical player. A typical player is much more like you describe, those things he gave you; those are hooks. The way he's talked about you to others (hoping it gets back to you) more hooks. And listen, he may not be a player, but, absent other evidence, it's always best to assume that is the case. It also doesn't matter, he's breaking your heart, so, who cares if another girl(s) are also in this situation right now? It's about you, and what you want, and you healing, not what level of a**hole this guy is, a level 10 or a level 15. What difference does it make?

 

Overtaxed. I am sure he was in an infatuated love. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but he came from a very difficult background (brother in jail, alcoholic parents, mother in and out a mental hospital) and he said he had never met anyone like me before. He was very very shy when he met me, so much so that he couldn't introduce himself to me. I was confident and introduced myself to him. He said he thought I would immediately reject him.

 

I don't believe he is 'in love' with his girlfriend. They have children, shared history and a comforting domestic set up. He was very young when he met her and she is always trying to get him to quit driving and go and work in a factory because she doesn't like that he's always able to travel/meet people and enjoy a better life.

 

It was me who wanted sex at first. By the end of the trip he was beginning to panic because he was getting feelings of 'love' and wasn't able to eat/had butterflies in his tummy constantly etc etc. When I said goodbye to him, he said he realised that it was 'fate' that we met, and that he needed to pursue me. He travelled miles to see me. I said if he wanted a mistress, it would be so much easier to get one in his own country. He was a sensitive person deep down. He was very upset when I wouldn't tell him I loved him back until a month down the line. I realise that sex was mixed up in it (the best sex he had ever experienced supposedly). But really is it worth all that time, energy and money just for sex? He was the one obsessed with moving to the UK to be with me. It was only once reality started to dawn that he reconsidered, because he worried about his children.

 

It's very easy to be cynical, but I do believe men can fall in love with another woman and not just be in it for the sex...

 

And yes, I definitely wasn't using him. Maybe on the boat, because it had been so long since I'd felt so desired and wanted sexually. But after we got to know each other more, I fell head over heels...

[Overtaxed]

But really is it worth all that time, energy and money just for sex?

 

And maybe this is a different situation, like I said, I can only speak to generalities. I'll shut up and let others comment on the rest of your response, but, one thing I wanted to pull out (quoted above).

 

Yes, it is. To a man, yes, it is. We'll blow up our lives for sex, we'll pay for it, we'll travel across continents for it, we'll risk our health, we'll even go to war and literally die for it. I personally have driven over 300 miles one way for sex in the past with someone that I didn't even find attractive, but, sex was on offer, so, into the car I went. Bill Clinton nearly lost the presidency for sex. Hugh Grant got a BJ from a very unattractive prostitute and nearly blew up his career and his marriage. For sex.

 

Women, in general, have no idea how far men will go for sex. We'll sell out our morals, we'll stab those we care about the most in the back, we'll debase ourselves, we'll nearly die in the car trying to stay awake on a midnight drive. So, yes, we will certainly say a lot of nice things and buy women some stuff to have sex, that's not even scratching the tip of the iceberg for the levels we'll go to get it.

[stillafool]

He chose it even though he was miserable/drinking every night and leaving his gf to deal with the new baby. That's not treating someone with love, and I realise that that shows how flawed his character is. He tried to break up with her while we were together but she threatened to limit his access to the children. He just kept saying he was searching for a solution, a way we could have a future...I guess he did the respectable thing.

 

Do you think he is hurting too? Or that I've just slipped right out of his memory? He put so much in to this - was so determined to be with me and begging me to leave my husband. He said he'd never marry her, and he felt I was the kind of woman he could see himself marrying. Surely this pain must be plaguing him too? Will he reach out one day? I will NEVER reach out first. I must sound crazy, but that's why I'm here I guess...

 

Were you with him when he tried to break up with his girl? I didn't think so. I doubt very seriously he tried to break up with his pregnant gf to leave her and his kids. This is also something that MM claim but it never happens. Imagine this guy was as horny as you were with his girl in her last month of pregnancy. He needed the sex more than you. I'm sure he enjoyed every moment he spent with you but always knew his priority is his family. Of course his gf was fat, she's pregnant for God's sake. Now the baby is here, she will get back in shape and the sex will start up again. What this has shown you is you are not in love with your husband, you do need a high sex drive partner and you need to divorce. You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. Go live it.

[eye of the storm]

Lost, all the things you are saying about his GF is just stories he is telling. You don't know that any of it is true. And you are going to pop back with well his brother is telling the same stories. Which still doesn't hold water. Bro Code is to back each others stories up. Your MM is having regular unprotected sex with his GF. He likes her just fine. 3 kids worth of just fine.

 

And my MM once drove 7 hours to spend 3 hours with me then turned around and drove 7 hours back to his house. Like Overtaxed said, men will move mountains to have sex.

 

All this soap opera with the push and pull (from both of you) is only 3 months old. The drama is what is making this all seem like some love struck fairy tale. If you both had to deal with each other on a daily basis you would go bonkers.

 

I suggest you leave your H. You are not into him. Let him go. I have a feeling as soon as you do your MM will disappear. He likes going home to his GF and kids. If he thinks you are going to cause issues for his family he will ghost you hard.

 

You fell for MM because you are unhappy and instead of the hard work of fixing your M or ending your M, an A is easier. Work on ending your M. If your MM is really your true love and you two are meant to be together then he will do the same. If not, then it wasn't meant to be.

[Overtaxed]

Work on ending your M.

 

If that's what you want because you don't love your H anymore. If that's what you want because your husband doesn't desire sex as much as you do, please, get him to a Dr and get him tested. This is easily fixable. A man with a low sex drive almost certainly has some hormonal problem (like low test, but could be high estrogen or something else). And that's EASY to fix. And you'll both be much happier in the end, he probably doesn't feel real good, might not even realize it, because, men who do feel good and are with someone they find attractive, really do, for the most part, want to have sex all the time. It's in our DNA. As I said and eye of the storm agreed, men will move mountains for sex. A man who won't move a mountain for it, in many cases, it's because something is wrong physically.

 

If this is the "major issue" in your relationship, before you pull the plug, try to fix it. Even if he winds up D'ing you, at least he'll feel better because you helped him get the help he needs. Breaking up with a man because he doesn't want sex makes about as much sense as breaking up with him because he broke his arm. Men are wired for sex, it's what we do, and unless your drive is just totally off the charts (which, honestly, is the stuff of Penthouse forums letters, not reality, IMHO), a Dr can probably flip the HD/LD mix in your relationship with a pill or a shot in a few days. It's fixable, and it's easy to fix. Don't give up on that part of your life or your relationship without trying.

[lostintheuk]

One of my jobs is as a portrait and nude model for several international artists and am in very good shape. And I am approached by men often. I have no problems in this respect. This is why it hurts MORE to be with someone who doesn't want sex that often, because I feel like other men are often trying to get me into bed but I have been 100% faithful to my husband, until now. I have felt like my youth is being wasted, because I have a very high sex drive and I am completely unsatisfied.

 

And I'm sorry to say the girlfriend IS extremely overweight. I have found her on social media - she has always been this way (I can see photos of her years before any of the children and she is still very, very overweight). He told me he had low self-esteem when he got together with her. He always commented on how he had managed to get a girl like me interested in him. He was not my usual type, but there was an instant attraction, so much so that we both were shocked when we set eyes on one another.

 

And he did break up with the girlfriend when he was with me. She was sending him messages saying she was going to pack all his stuff up and dump it outside the house, another time she said she was going to kill herself and that he would have to deal with the children, and then she said she wasn't going to let him be at the birth of the baby. I saw these messages. He said she said if he left, she would make it very hard for him to see their children. And that he had only wanted 1 child, but that she kept 'forgetting' to take the pill.

 

I know there are some cliches. But really, every situation is different. I know I did mean something, and I know he found me very physically attractive.

 

I really don't mean to sound arrogant in any way because that is NOT who I am. I am very kind and gentle. Maybe if I was a bit tougher I would be able to hold it together a bit more :-(

[lostintheuk]

And you really think he will be back in touch *just* for sex, even though he's in another country? Even though I've said I won't answer him?!

[stillafool]

What are you going to do about your husband?

[Steen719]

I really don't mean to sound arrogant in any way because that is NOT who I am. I am very kind and gentle. Maybe if I was a bit tougher I would be able to hold it together a bit more :-(

You may be a kind person, but your behavior is not really kind. You were with a man whose wife (gf), fat or not, was 9 months pregnant and he has 2 other children to care for and be a father to. You colluded with him to leave her - yes, you did - and change their lives forever.

 

You also are not kind to your husband. If you are not happy with him, leave him. How is it kind to go behind his back and see another man?

 

I'm sure you are attractive and you may or not be arrogant about it, but I'm sure you know the adage that beauty is skin deep. Kind and attractive does not disregard 2 other adults and 3 children and worry MUCH more about whether the OM will call her soon or pines over her.

 

I don't mean to be mean, but you seem pretty cold about your H and OM's fat gf.

[anika99]

Overtaxed. I am sure he was in an infatuated love. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but he came from a very difficult background (brother in jail, alcoholic parents, mother in and out a mental hospital) and he said he had never met anyone like me before. He was very very shy when he met me, so much so that he couldn't introduce himself to me. I was confident and introduced myself to him. He said he thought I would immediately reject him.

 

I don't believe he is 'in love' with his girlfriend. They have children, shared history and a comforting domestic set up. He was very young when he met her and she is always trying to get him to quit driving and go and work in a factory because she doesn't like that he's always able to travel/meet people and enjoy a better life.

 

It was me who wanted sex at first. By the end of the trip he was beginning to panic because he was getting feelings of 'love' and wasn't able to eat/had butterflies in his tummy constantly etc etc. When I said goodbye to him, he said he realised that it was 'fate' that we met, and that he needed to pursue me. He travelled miles to see me. I said if he wanted a mistress, it would be so much easier to get one in his own country. He was a sensitive person deep down. He was very upset when I wouldn't tell him I loved him back until a month down the line. I realise that sex was mixed up in it (the best sex he had ever experienced supposedly). But really is it worth all that time, energy and money just for sex? He was the one obsessed with moving to the UK to be with me. It was only once reality started to dawn that he reconsidered, because he worried about his children.

 

It's very easy to be cynical, but I do believe men can fall in love with another woman and not just be in it for the sex...

 

And yes, I definitely wasn't using him. Maybe on the boat, because it had been so long since I'd felt so desired and wanted sexually. But after we got to know each other more, I fell head over heels...

 

You are way over romanticizing this. You spent 5 days with him on a boat having hot sex and some days in your country having hot sex. Yes I know you also spent hours on the phone with each other declaring your love for each other and agonizing over the pain of being apart, like a regular Romeo and Juliette, however it takes more than some hot sex and over the top mushy talk for real love to grow and develop.

 

He lies. The first lie was a lie by omission by not telling you up front that he had a longterm gf and children. The second lie was that his gf told him she was pregnant AFTER he got home from messing around with you the first time but she was giving birth a mere 2 months later. He knew damn well she was pregnant. He travels and likely cheats on his gf on a regular basis and cheating with women who live far away just makes it less messy. No worries that some angry mistress is going to show up on his doorstep and blow up his life.

 

You seem to believe everything he tells you without question. This man who you barely know, who you have only seen in person about 10 days. The only thing you know for sure about him is that he deceives and cheats on his girlfriend. You know very little about him and you know nothing about his gf. Yes I know he told you all about her and he did it in such a way that your ego was stroked and you felt so flattered. You feel so much better than her. She is fat, you are beautiful, she has a bunch of kids that poor Romeo never wanted, she doesn't want to give him his freedom to travel and enjoy life etc.

 

I think you are a little immature in how much you are disparaging his gf as if she somehow deserves to be cheated on and abandoned by the father of her children. I'm sure she is far from perfect just as you are far from perfect and all of us are far from perfect. We all have flaws that make us unlikable at times and we all have qualities that make us downright loveable. The bottom line is that this guy has moved on. Maybe he has decided to be a decent partner and father, maybe he is on the hunt for new romance and hot sex with other married women.

 

You are never going to be with him, he is never going to leave his family for you. Sounds harsh I know but the sooner you stop hoping for your fantasy to come true the sooner you can move on and start dealing with your real life and what you need to do now. Sounds like you need a divorce. Your not satisfied with your husband and rather than putting yourself and him through a long miserable marriage where cheating is likely to occur again it's probably best to part ways so you can both find what you need.

[lostintheuk]

You are way over romanticizing this. You spent 5 days with him on a boat having hot sex and some days in your country having hot sex. Yes I know you also spent hours on the phone with each other declaring your love for each other and agonizing over the pain of being apart, like a regular Romeo and Juliette, however it takes more than some hot sex and over the top mushy talk for real love to grow and develop.

 

He lies. The first lie was a lie by omission by not telling you up front that he had a longterm gf and children. The second lie was that his gf told him she was pregnant AFTER he got home from messing around with you the first time but she was giving birth a mere 2 months later. He knew damn well she was pregnant. He travels and likely cheats on his gf on a regular basis and cheating with women who live far away just makes it less messy. No worries that some angry mistress is going to show up on his doorstep and blow up his life.

 

You seem to believe everything he tells you without question. This man who you barely know, who you have only seen in person about 10 days. The only thing you know for sure about him is that he deceives and cheats on his girlfriend. You know very little about him and you know nothing about his gf. Yes I know he told you all about her and he did it in such a way that your ego was stroked and you felt so flattered. You feel so much better than her. She is fat, you are beautiful, she has a bunch of kids that poor Romeo never wanted, she doesn't want to give him his freedom to travel and enjoy life etc.

 

I think you are a little immature in how much you are disparaging his gf as if she somehow deserves to be cheated on and abandoned by the father of her children. I'm sure she is far from perfect just as you are far from perfect and all of us are far from perfect. We all have flaws that make us unlikable at times and we all have qualities that make us downright loveable. The bottom line is that this guy has moved on. Maybe he has decided to be a decent partner and father, maybe he is on the hunt for new romance and hot sex with other married women.

 

You are never going to be with him, he is never going to leave his family for you. Sounds harsh I know but the sooner you stop hoping for your fantasy to come true the sooner you can move on and start dealing with your real life and what you need to do now. Sounds like you need a divorce. Your not satisfied with your husband and rather than putting yourself and him through a long miserable marriage where cheating is likely to occur again it's probably best to part ways so you can both find what you need.

 

I am fully aware he lied about the existence of his girlfriend in the first place. He did that because he thought it would just be a one off thing. He came clean about his pregnant girlfriend at a stage when he thought I would accept it. He didn't ever need to tell me this - so why did he? Because he was seriously in the mindset that we had a chance at a future with each other. Of course he knew she was pregnant. But he knew I would run a mile if I knew that on the boat.

 

If he cheats all the time then WHY didn't he leave it all on the boat? Why push and push and push for me? Why? he could have had a clean break. It was ME who suggested not talking to each other after the boat.

 

Also, if he is such a cheater, used to this sort of life, WHY did he insist on meeting my mum, who came on a train 2 hours to meet us? Don't you think that's a bit weird? Also he told everyone he was going to be with me - his brother, his colleagues at work, his cousin, his brother's girlfriend. He was like a lovesick puppy.

 

He even found contact details for someone who could get me work in Belgium. He went to such lengths to try and make it work for me in his country.

 

I know it's tempting to treat ALL affairs the same, with a cynical outlook. But really, isn't every situation individual?

[lostintheuk]

You may be a kind person, but your behavior is not really kind. You were with a man whose wife (gf), fat or not, was 9 months pregnant and he has 2 other children to care for and be a father to. You colluded with him to leave her - yes, you did - and change their lives forever.

 

You also are not kind to your husband. If you are not happy with him, leave him. How is it kind to go behind his back and see another man?

 

I'm sure you are attractive and you may or not be arrogant about it, but I'm sure you know the adage that beauty is skin deep. Kind and attractive does not disregard 2 other adults and 3 children and worry MUCH more about whether the OM will call her soon or pines over her.

 

I don't mean to be mean, but you seem pretty cold about your H and OM's fat gf.

 

I know. This has been the most unkind thing I've done. And I am truly sorry. I wish I could take it all back. I realise that my outlook is selfish and I wish I could re-set my mind. But at the moment I am in the height of it - pining and hoping he pines too.

[eye of the storm]

Why? sex. It is why we all do many things. It is why you cheated on your H. It is why he cheated on his GF.

 

Lost, its ok. I know how amazing the ride is during an A. I was a SOW for 6+ years. But it is all fantasy fog. It is not reality.

 

 

Im sorry

[lostintheuk]

But why insist on meeting my mum? He said it was because she was important to me and he wanted to get to know my family. But I tried to put him off the idea. He insisted!

[Transitions12]

Lost, I'm going to be in the minority here with what I have to say, but I understand where every person is coming from here when they say the things they say. But I am a hopeless romantic, and I do believe he does care for you , its not just about the sex. However, he does have a family that is very important to him, possibly more important than you are, obviously. But to say he doesn't care or have feelings for you, I'm less to diminish that, because I am inclined to think based on what you type, tho a fantasy , still I feel he does have feelings. Are they strong enough for him to leave his wife/family for? Doubtfully. BUt I'm not going to just sit here and tell you he used you for sex, etc, because I don't dismiss that he can have feelings for you.

I know this is hard for you, I'm sure he is thinking about you. I am sure he will not forget you, and I am sure he will get back in touch with you at some point.

 

The better question here is ...if and when he does, what will you do? Are you happy to continue this cycle? Are you going to stay with your H and live out this side fantasy? Can you live like this forever? What do you intend to do with all the emotions you are dealing with? Life is hard enough without dealing with the extra life os an A, trust me I am going through it now. So much easier to have a clear cut life path, with healthy choices.

 

I will send you big HUGS from afar and hope you can find peace.

[anika99]

I am fully aware he lied about the existence of his girlfriend in the first place. He did that because he thought it would just be a one off thing. He came clean about his pregnant girlfriend at a stage when he thought I would accept it. He didn't ever need to tell me this - so why did he? Because he was seriously in the mindset that we had a chance at a future with each other. Of course he knew she was pregnant. But he knew I would run a mile if I knew that on the boat.

 

If he cheats all the time then WHY didn't he leave it all on the boat? Why push and push and push for me? Why? he could have had a clean break. It was ME who suggested not talking to each other after the boat.

 

Also, if he is such a cheater, used to this sort of life, WHY did he insist on meeting my mum, who came on a train 2 hours to meet us? Don't you think that's a bit weird? Also he told everyone he was going to be with me - his brother, his colleagues at work, his cousin, his brother's girlfriend. He was like a lovesick puppy.

 

He even found contact details for someone who could get me work in Belgium. He went to such lengths to try and make it work for me in his country.

 

I know it's tempting to treat ALL affairs the same, with a cynical outlook. But really, isn't every situation individual?

 

Because unlike a lot of posters here, I don't believe that men cheat solely for the purpose of getting sex. Oh I think sex is the driving force but also think some guys cheat for an ego boost, for excitement, for the chase and the conquest, for the escapism, etc. Not every player just does wham bam thank you ma'am sex, in fact I would say most romance their conquests. Heck I've met single guys who can't settle on one woman. They're not even cheating on anyone but they love the feeling of chasing and being infatuated. They don't have serial love relationships, they have serial infatuation relationships.

 

I have a singe platonic friend who does this. He is 50yrs old, got divorced 15 yrs ago and since then he's run through a gamut of girlfriends. In the beginning he is always completely smitten with them. Talking about them like "I think this one could be the one", spending money on them, wooing them, introducing her to his friends. He always looks like he's madly in love too. Like I think he really does believe it at the time but then something happens, I don't know what, maybe he spots a flaw or maybe he is just a grass is greener over there kind of person, but the next thing I know is suddenly I'll see him with an entirely different woman and he'll be doing and saying all the same things about her that he said about the last one. I'll say but what about so and so who you introduced me too just a couple of months ago and he'll just dismiss it like it meant nothing. He'll just say "oh her? that ran its' course"

 

I have a middle age brother who does the same. He's madly in love with this one and then he's madly in love with that one. He chases woman not only for sex but also for the fun of new romance. He doesn't have one night stands or simple weekend flings, that would be too dull and flat for him. He wants the total experience of chasing, romancing, the ego boost of seeing her really fall for him, AND the hot new sex. Once that's all been accomplished he moves on and does it all over again with the next one. It's how he gets his excitement, his ego boost and sex variation. He also travels so it's easy for him to keep his latest squeeze from finding out too much. On the rare occasion that I meet one of his girls I'm just polite and gracious, I don't tell her anything different than what he's told her because it's not my problem and I dont' get involved in drama that has nothing to do with me. He is never going to get married and settle down with one person because that kind of love and commitment is too boring for him. He's in love with infatuation love not real love.

[Overtaxed]

Because unlike a lot of posters here, I don't believe that men cheat solely for the purpose of getting sex. Oh I think sex is the driving force but also think some guys cheat for an ego boost, for excitement, for the chase and the conquest, for the escapism, etc. Not every player just does wham bam thank you ma'am sex, in fact I would say most romance their conquests. Heck I've met single guys who can't settle on one woman. They're not even cheating on anyone but they love the feeling of chasing and being infatuated. They don't have serial love relationships, they have serial infatuation relationships.

 

As hard line as I am, I'd agree with this. But, even in your list above, "love" is not on the list of reasons that men cheat. Yeah, it might be more than sex. Or, put another way, sex might be the primary reason, but there's also the ego boost, or the excitement that the cheater also gets out of it.

 

But a man cheating for love is very, very rare. It takes a long time to really love someone, to really get to know them that intimately to feel that way about them. "Love at first sight" even without cheating, is really lust that can someday grow into love. I know, because that's how I felt about my W when I met her, and I wasn't "spinning plates" or anything like that at the time. I was madly infatuated with her, which, over the years, grew into real love.

 

But cheating for love? Sleeping with someone who you know superficially and thinking it's for love? Nope, not gonna buy that one, at best, it's lust. At worst, it's because you have a sexual itch to scratch. Most land somewhere in the middle or are a combination of things.