Young, lost and probably very foolish - is this over?

[lostintheuk]

I completely understand all the comments and appreciate all the advice.

 

Sex was a massive pull for us both, but I promise you, it was more than this. I have absolutely no doubt in my heart that what we shared was also love and an emotional connection. I realise so many of these stories read like trashy novels, clichés and the same advice is often given to many people.

 

There was a deep emotional connection formed. Please don't belittle that because I know it with every fibre of my being. I am not a weak and helpless little woman lapping up everything he told me, I am fairly perceptive and even cynical; he was annoyed at me several times for challenging and asking about his feelings. He chose the eternity necklace for me because he hoped I would stop asking whether he really felt strongly. He said he hoped that would show me. He wasn't the kind to lie - he would tell me things with a blunt honesty. I also cross-checked a lot of things he told me as best I could on social media and all of it was truthful.

 

It was always him wanting to chat on the phone for hours, telling me his problems. He has no one in his life to talk to apart from his brother. I became an emotional crutch at times. Sometimes he would lie on my chest and become very vulnerable. He was never once told by his parents that they loved him (it was clear to me he was neglected because he was so distrustful of everyone and would often in weaker moments ask me why I loved him). He told me he is alone in this life, that he really has no one. His girlfriend and him have been together from a very young age. He is only 27 now and he made it clear to her he only wanted one child when they were 22 and she was diagnosed with the early signs of cervical problems. While he obviously does not regret having more, she sprung both of the other children on him as a surprise (she was on the pill both times).

 

He said he feels trapped in his situation. He also said he is a coward and can't leave the little children at such a helpless age. I truly believe he wouldn't be with his girlfriend otherwise. In the car he told me he felt his feelings for me were stronger each time we met, but that he was shutting down his feelings because how can it work? It can't.

 

But please don't imply I was just used for sex. If that really is the case, then why did he want to phone me at least two times per week so we kept in contact until he decided he could muster the strength to leave? He said he couldn't keep seeing me physically but wanted to keep in close contact. Why would he bother to suggest this if it was purely sexual? It was me who shut this idea down, because for me I needed the physical connection (this is why I strayed in the first place).

 

We are both still very young, and we fell in love with each other unexpectedly. EVERYTHING was against it working. Everything. A long term domestic relationship, marriage, two countries, 2 little children, a baby, careers, vastly different backgrounds. There isn't ONE thing that was in our favour. It was too risky. It doesn't make any difference, but I assure you this went deeper than sex.

Edited August 9, 2017 by lostintheuk

[stillafool]

I completely understand all the comments and appreciate all the advice.

 

Sex was a massive pull for us both, but I promise you, it was more than this. I have absolutely no doubt in my heart that what we shared was also love and an emotional connection. I realise so many of these stories read like trashy novels, clichés and the same advice is often given to many people.

 

There was a deep emotional connection formed. Please don't belittle that because I know it with every fibre of my being. I am not a weak and helpless little woman lapping up everything he told me, I am fairly perceptive and even cynical; he was annoyed at me several times for challenging and asking about his feelings. He chose the eternity necklace for me because he hoped I would stop asking whether he really felt strongly. He said he hoped that would show me. He wasn't the kind to lie - he would tell me things with a blunt honesty. I also cross-checked a lot of things he told me as best I could on social media and all of it was truthful.

 

It was always him wanting to chat on the phone for hours, telling me his problems. He has no one in his life to talk to apart from his brother. I became an emotional crutch at times. Sometimes he would lie on my chest and become very vulnerable. He was never once told by his parents that they loved him (it was clear to me he was neglected because he was so distrustful of everyone and would often in weaker moments ask me why I loved him). He told me he is alone in this life, that he really has no one. His girlfriend and him have been together from a very young age. He is only 27 now and he made it clear to her he only wanted one child when they were 22 and she was diagnosed with the early signs of cervical problems. While he obviously does not regret having more, she sprung both of the other children on him as a surprise (she was on the pill both times).

 

He said he feels trapped in his situation. He also said he is a coward and can't leave the little children at such a helpless age. I truly believe he wouldn't be with his girlfriend otherwise. In the car he told me he felt his feelings for me were stronger each time we met, but that he was shutting down his feelings because how can it work? It can't.

 

But please don't imply I was just used for sex. If that really is the case, then why did he want to phone me at least two times per week so we kept in contact until he decided he could muster the strength to leave? He said he couldn't keep seeing me physically but wanted to keep in close contact. Why would he bother to suggest this if it was purely sexual? It was me who shut this idea down, because for me I needed the physical connection (this is why I strayed in the first place).

 

We are both still very young, and we fell in love with each other unexpectedly. EVERYTHING was against it working. Everything. A long term domestic relationship, marriage, two countries, 2 little children, a baby, careers, vastly different backgrounds. There isn't ONE thing that was in our favour. It was too risky. It doesn't make any difference, but I assure you this went deeper than sex.

 

I'm sorry but even your above comment sounds just like every other OW that has been here who was in your situation. Nothing special or convincing. At the end of the day it really doesn't matter what any of us think. All that matters is you are satisfied with what he tells you.

[BluesPower]

I'm not going to be that harsh...

 

But let's say that everything that you are saying is completely true. It was a deep and abiding love in every way. OK, that stuff happens, it has happened to me.

 

But it in reality, I mean the real life reality, he is not going to leave his GF and kids, few men do. So let's say that he is not playing you and he loves you as deeply as you love him, what difference does it make.

 

You cannot be together because he is not leaving his family. You are a married woman.

 

I understand that all of this hurts, I have been there. But what are your choices.

 

And let's not forget that you have a husband that you either need to divorce or work on your marriage with. You just have a lot of important decisions to make about your life, but the facts of the matter are that this guy is not one of them.

 

We would all like to ride off into the sunset with the people that we fall in love with, but it just does not work that way very often.

[minimariah]

I completely understand all the comments and appreciate all the advice.

 

I believe you! BUT this...

 

If that really is the case, then why did he want to phone me at least two times per week so we kept in contact until he decided he could muster the strength to leave?

 

doesn't actually prove a thing. I can tell you from personal experience, it means nothing. people are VERY complex and calling & texting and wanting to talk DOES NOT equal to wanting something deeper than sex or just... outside of the marriage fun. believe it or not.

 

...she sprung both of the other children on him as a surprise (she was on the pill both times).

 

she did not --- being surprised by a child... when you're fully aware that having sex CAN result in pregnancy because no protection is 100% safe... that's a paradox. being surprised TWO TIMES is straight up nonsense. TWO KIDS and he was surprised? sweets... come on. I know you don't believe that. your theory about him staying with her just for the kids is corroborated by the fact that he KEPT having children with her although she already "tricked him" - so instead of not gettinf anywhere near her unless he has 5 condoms on his d*ck, he keeps having sex with her while believing her and trusting her with the protection... even though she tricked him ALREADY?

 

I think you're very young and I think that... with time, you will get more mature and you'll lose EVERY attraction to the guy who isn't even in charge of his own sperm. being with this dude will be a huge insult to your own intelligence, do better.

[anika99]

I believe you may have had an emotional connection with your MM and it probably wasn't entirely about sex, however I'm older and I've had several long term and short term relationships. If there is one thing I've learned its that we can quickly emotionally connect with a few people but that isn't always a good thing and it rarely has much to do with love.

 

People who get to our emotions quickly usually lack boundaries and they are experts at getting past the boundaries of others very rapidly. This is usually innate to their personality and isn't always calculated. People with personality disorders such as narcissism or borderline personality disorder can often create emotional connections with certain people unbelievably fast. Even in the absence of any kind of diagnosable disorder, quick forming emotional connections are still often based on some sort of unresolved dysfunction or trauma. Some dysfunction in one person connects with the dysfunction in another and fireworks ensue. Based on what you have told us about this guys background and his behaviour now he is likely very messed up and needs years of therapy, not a new girlfriend. Strong emotional connections that occur way too fast are usually a red flag and they are not the same as deep sincere love.

[lostintheuk]

You are right, he did form an emotional connection quickly. He would always say how his heart was locked behind a door, and that there were very few people who were given the key. But after 5 days spent together intensively he was already saying how he was feeling deep feelings and that he didn't know how he could walk away and forget me once we left the boat. He said I had opened the locked door to his heart. If only he'd just walked away at that stage.

 

I don't think he is narcissistic or with a personality disorder. But the trauma - yes. His whole life sounds awful and traumatic. It sounds like he was dragged up. Imagine having parents that don't tell you they love you or support you? It actually makes me cry just thinking about how cruel they could have been to him and how frightened he must have been for a lot of his childhood. I wish I could wrap him up in love and show him that people aren't all cruel.

 

Yes he's completely irresponsible with making children. He is also self-destructive with his behaviour. He refused to wear a seatbelt and when I said he should do it because he's already had an accident where he nearly died, he just said 'if it's my time to go, it's my time.' He has no care for his life and he just makes bad decision after bad decision (like nearly running over the French man in an angry outburst).

 

I really did love him you know. I woke up this morning and I just longed for a message or a call. It was me who shouted that it was over. It was me who couldn't wait for him. And I just keep seeing his face and eyes when I said both those things and he looked hurt. I just wish so badly it could work out and I miss him so much. I'm back to thinking 'does he miss me? is he hurting too?' again Does he?

 

Please don't kick me while I'm down today. I've already had my brother and friend do that for wanting to talk about what happened. Please please please don't do it here. I think this is the only place I can truly express myself and I'm feeling so vulnerable and on the edge today...

[jenkins95]

(((lostintheuk)))

 

Firstly, I'd like to say sorry if my posts upset you. Whilst I meant what I said, there was an element of sarcasm and "I told you so" in what I wrote. You are hurt and heartbroken and you don't need this and I I apologise. x

 

I think most posters are just trying to give you tough love. They see the hopelessness of the situation, have read many similar stories before and are being "cruel to be kind" to help get you to a place where you will be able to heal as quickly as possible and not harbour residual hopes that something can be made from this relationship. This would continue to hurt you.

 

I very much believe that there was an emotional connection as well as just a sexual one in this relationship. I see it very clearly, 100%, especially as there are an awful lot of very striking similarities between your situation and mine (with me being the MM in my story), and there were emotions involved in my affair too.

 

I think a constructive way to look at it is to consider the impossibility of the situation, sad though this is right now. In your A, as you said yourself, so many factors were against you two making a go of it, and the same was true in mine.

 

There were three basic possible outcomes: -

1. Leave your partners and get together.

2. Continue the affair in secret.

3. End the affair and try to work on your lives, issues and current relationships.

 

What happened, of course, was 3. This is heart-breaking for you and has destroyed a dream you had. But you are no longer cheating and you now have the chance to rebuild your life and do the hard work on yourself and your marriage, free from continued infidelity. Maybe your M isn’t right? Perhaps you will want to end your M one day, but so much better if this is not done from a position of infidelity, bit from two spouses who have tried everything as respectfully and maturely as possible and have decided that it cannot work (hopefully it won't come to this anyway - I have real hope that you can find happiness back in your marriage, as is happening for me)!

 

So what about the other possibilities. Well, almost everyone on LS will tell you that 2 is a disaster. People in active, secret affairs are basically sitting on time bombs, and when that bomb goes off, people ALWAYS get hurt – including you – ALWAYS, and usually several people. Long term cake-eating, secret affairs are bad news full stop and it’s great that you stopped that avenue when he asked to maintain phone contact.

 

And then there's possibility 1 - what your heart really wanted. But think about ii objectively, as us anonymous internet strangers can, and try to employ as much foresight as you can. I know you were prepared to do anything for him, but I'm not sure (as you are not yet a parent yourself) just how much your life would have had to have changed if you'd ended up with him. Children of that age (and there are three of them!) need constant, round the clock care and support and he still (rightfully) wanted to be a very big part of their lives.

 

At best, this would put a massive strain on you and would require a huge amount of work and compromise from you, not to mention the considerable financial support looking after three children takes. This would be exhausting. Now outside the secret bubble, you would have much less time to be together as a couple and you would have to deal with him calling and co-ordinating with his ex-GF many times a day. You would inevitably have to deal with her yourself and become an active step mother to the children and it's not at all guaranteed that any of them would welcome you, take to you or make your life easy. Even in the best case scenario, your life would be unrecognisable from what it is now and you’d barely have a moment to yourself.

 

Added to this, you’d be in a foreign country without full national status, not knowing the language and without a job and you would be leaving a heartbroken husband back home. Again, it's not guaranteed that he would make your life easy either.

 

I know you would make this sacrifice for him and I know you would give 100% to it. But how would you feel 2 years from now? 5? 10? By then, the honeymoon period would be well and truly over, you would have seen many flaws in him, the sex would be less “amazing” and less frequent, he would have disappointed you (and you him) many times, argued with you and let you down, because that's life - we all do it! At the same time, you may think back to your old country, your old friends and family, your ex-H and perhaps you may start to wonder what may have happened if you'd made THAT choice and worked on THAT marriage.

 

At the end of the day, this is an almost impossible situation. Is there a tiny chance that it could all work smoothly and all players would live happily ever after? Yes. But by the same token, someone has to win the lottery every week. But the risks are immensely stacked against it happening to you.

 

Try not to see yourselves as tragic star-crossed lovers denied their chance to be with each other due to circumstances. This is overly romantic and unrealistic. It is also disrespectful to the betrayed people in your story. As anika says:

 

"we can quickly emotionally connect with a few people but that isn't always a good thing and it rarely has much to do with love"

 

Quite right. Try not to think of him as "the one". For anyone "the one" is created by you, not presented to you by some divine power. If you really want to and both are prepared to do the work, your H could potentially again become "the one". At the end of the day, you are both cheaters who indulged your infatuation in the face of overwhelming risk in the full knowledge that you were hurting others and risking their status and stability. I say this with no judgement because I did exactly the same. It took me months to start seeing clearly, but I am now so grateful for what I have got and see my affair as a selfish indulgent fantasy when I should have known better, upheld my marital boundaries and protected my wife and family from being hurt.

 

Also know that you probably have a skewed perception of his GF. You know only what he has fed you. For one thing, I agree with mini-mariah that I don’t really buy the “surprise kids” argument – and if it is true, it doesn’t say very much for his common sense! Now, I’m not suggesting that he completely fabricated the whole story and it’s quite obvious that there must be some issues there between him and GF. But I also know that it is completely natural to accentuate the worst bits to the OW and play down/omit the good bits – and certainly not admit to any sex or affection (even though it likely happens). I did exactly this, almost even realising it, and to be honest even during the A, my marriage was “OK”, even though OW probably thought it was a living hell. It's one of the things we do to justify the A and keep the APs "happy".

 

Having said all the above - Yes, the feelings in my A were very genuine - and I know they were for you and how much you are hurting.

 

One thing I would like to ask you is, having been brave enough to break things off with him (proud of you), whether or not you have a strategy to deal with any further contact from him. I would say it is extremely likely he will be back in touch. Protect yourself and your H...and indirectly those little children.

 

Take care of yourself lostintheuk. I really do understand how you are feeling and I know you will be OK.

 

Good luck (((lostintheuk))). xx

[jenkins95]

You are right, he did form an emotional connection quickly. He would always say how his heart was locked behind a door, and that there were very few people who were given the key. But after 5 days spent together intensively he was already saying how he was feeling deep feelings and that he didn't know how he could walk away and forget me once we left the boat. He said I had opened the locked door to his heart. If only he'd just walked away at that stage.

 

I don't think he is narcissistic or with a personality disorder. But the trauma - yes. His whole life sounds awful and traumatic. It sounds like he was dragged up. Imagine having parents that don't tell you they love you or support you? It actually makes me cry just thinking about how cruel they could have been to him and how frightened he must have been for a lot of his childhood. I wish I could wrap him up in love and show him that people aren't all cruel.

 

Yes he's completely irresponsible with making children. He is also self-destructive with his behaviour. He refused to wear a seatbelt and when I said he should do it because he's already had an accident where he nearly died, he just said 'if it's my time to go, it's my time.' He has no care for his life and he just makes bad decision after bad decision (like nearly running over the French man in an angry outburst).

 

I really did love him you know. I woke up this morning and I just longed for a message or a call. It was me who shouted that it was over. It was me who couldn't wait for him. And I just keep seeing his face and eyes when I said both those things and he looked hurt. I just wish so badly it could work out and I miss him so much. I'm back to thinking 'does he miss me? is he hurting too?' again Does he?

 

Please don't kick me while I'm down today. I've already had my brother and friend do that for wanting to talk about what happened. Please please please don't do it here. I think this is the only place I can truly express myself and I'm feeling so vulnerable and on the edge today...

 

Hey ((lost))

 

Just to let you know I wrote my previous post before seeing your latest one.

 

I see how vulnerable you are and I really hope you don't see my last post as kicking you. I am trying to be suportive in a "firm" way. I really just want to give you a big hug

 

One thing I can definitely confirm: -

 

"'does he miss me? is he hurting too?"

 

1000% Yes! No question. He will do for a very long time and he will NEVER forget you. Take it from another xMM!

 

Thinking of you

 

Keep posting. xx

[Eight]

(((lostintheuk)))

 

Firstly, I'd like to say sorry if my posts upset you. Whilst I meant what I said, there was an element of sarcasm and "I told you so" in what I wrote. You are hurt and heartbroken and you don't need this and I I apologise. x

 

I think most posters are just trying to give you tough love. They see the hopelessness of the situation, have read many similar stories before and are being "cruel to be kind" to help get you to a place where you will be able to heal as quickly as possible and not harbour residual hopes that something can be made from this relationship. This would continue to hurt you.

 

I very much believe that there was an emotional connection as well as just a sexual one in this relationship. I see it very clearly, 100%, especially as there are an awful lot of very striking similarities between your situation and mine (with me being the MM in my story), and there were emotions involved in my affair too.

 

I think a constructive way to look at it is to consider the impossibility of the situation, sad though this is right now. In your A, as you said yourself, so many factors were against you two making a go of it, and the same was true in mine.

 

There were three basic possible outcomes: -

1. Leave your partners and get together.

2. Continue the affair in secret.

3. End the affair and try to work on your lives, issues and current relationships.

 

What happened, of course, was 3. This is heart-breaking for you and has destroyed a dream you had. But you are no longer cheating and you now have the chance to rebuild your life and do the hard work on yourself and your marriage, free from continued infidelity. Maybe your M isn’t right? Perhaps you will want to end your M one day, but so much better if this is not done from a position of infidelity, bit from two spouses who have tried everything as respectfully and maturely as possible and have decided that it cannot work (hopefully it won't come to this anyway - I have real hope that you can find happiness back in your marriage, as is happening for me)!

 

So what about the other possibilities. Well, almost everyone on LS will tell you that 2 is a disaster. People in active, secret affairs are basically sitting on time bombs, and when that bomb goes off, people ALWAYS get hurt – including you – ALWAYS, and usually several people. Long term cake-eating, secret affairs are bad news full stop and it’s great that you stopped that avenue when he asked to maintain phone contact.

 

And then there's possibility 1 - what your heart really wanted. But think about ii objectively, as us anonymous internet strangers can, and try to employ as much foresight as you can. I know you were prepared to do anything for him, but I'm not sure (as you are not yet a parent yourself) just how much your life would have had to have changed if you'd ended up with him. Children of that age (and there are three of them!) need constant, round the clock care and support and he still (rightfully) wanted to be a very big part of their lives.

 

At best, this would put a massive strain on you and would require a huge amount of work and compromise from you, not to mention the considerable financial support looking after three children takes. This would be exhausting. Now outside the secret bubble, you would have much less time to be together as a couple and you would have to deal with him calling and co-ordinating with his ex-GF many times a day. You would inevitably have to deal with her yourself and become an active step mother to the children and it's not at all guaranteed that any of them would welcome you, take to you or make your life easy. Even in the best case scenario, your life would be unrecognisable from what it is now and you’d barely have a moment to yourself.

 

Added to this, you’d be in a foreign country without full national status, not knowing the language and without a job and you would be leaving a heartbroken husband back home. Again, it's not guaranteed that he would make your life easy either.

 

I know you would make this sacrifice for him and I know you would give 100% to it. But how would you feel 2 years from now? 5? 10? By then, the honeymoon period would be well and truly over, you would have seen many flaws in him, the sex would be less “amazing” and less frequent, he would have disappointed you (and you him) many times, argued with you and let you down, because that's life - we all do it! At the same time, you may think back to your old country, your old friends and family, your ex-H and perhaps you may start to wonder what may have happened if you'd made THAT choice and worked on THAT marriage.

 

At the end of the day, this is an almost impossible situation. Is there a tiny chance that it could all work smoothly and all players would live happily ever after? Yes. But by the same token, someone has to win the lottery every week. But the risks are immensely stacked against it happening to you.

 

Try not to see yourselves as tragic star-crossed lovers denied their chance to be with each other due to circumstances. This is overly romantic and unrealistic. It is also disrespectful to the betrayed people in your story. As anika says:

 

"we can quickly emotionally connect with a few people but that isn't always a good thing and it rarely has much to do with love"

 

Quite right. Try not to think of him as "the one". For anyone "the one" is created by you, not presented to you by some divine power. If you really want to and both are prepared to do the work, your H could potentially again become "the one". At the end of the day, you are both cheaters who indulged your infatuation in the face of overwhelming risk in the full knowledge that you were hurting others and risking their status and stability. I say this with no judgement because I did exactly the same. It took me months to start seeing clearly, but I am now so grateful for what I have got and see my affair as a selfish indulgent fantasy when I should have known better, upheld my marital boundaries and protected my wife and family from being hurt.

 

Also know that you probably have a skewed perception of his GF. You know only what he has fed you. For one thing, I agree with mini-mariah that I don’t really buy the “surprise kids” argument – and if it is true, it doesn’t say very much for his common sense! Now, I’m not suggesting that he completely fabricated the whole story and it’s quite obvious that there must be some issues there between him and GF. But I also know that it is completely natural to accentuate the worst bits to the OW and play down/omit the good bits – and certainly not admit to any sex or affection (even though it likely happens). I did exactly this, almost even realising it, and to be honest even during the A, my marriage was “OK”, even though OW probably thought it was a living hell. It's one of the things we do to justify the A and keep the APs "happy".

 

Having said all the above - Yes, the feelings in my A were very genuine - and I know they were for you and how much you are hurting.

 

One thing I would like to ask you is, having been brave enough to break things off with him (proud of you), whether or not you have a strategy to deal with any further contact from him. I would say it is extremely likely he will be back in touch. Protect yourself and your H...and indirectly those little children.

 

Take care of yourself lostintheuk. I really do understand how you are feeling and I know you will be OK.

 

Good luck (((lostintheuk))). xx

 

This is a great post that should be pinned or something.

[Tamari]

First of all, this is to Jenkins: you're clearly a very, very kind man. Thank you for being there for Lost in this sensitive manner... even I appreciate your thoughtful response!

 

And Lost... I too understand how you must be feeling... but take comfort in the words of Jenkins.. of course he'll be missing you! No doubt about that for me.

 

Having said that, personally I don't like the way he comes out of this story. I sense cowardice and I don't like that. Cowardice (often? Always!) means pain for the other people involved. And I sense a lack of true caring. For his wife, for you AND for his CHILDREN. I don't like that either. Furthermore, I sense irresponsibility... the driving, risk-taking... these characteristics don't add up to someone I'd want anywhere near my life.. what about you?

 

Please don't worry, you will be ok. Honestly, you will see. This man is responsible for his own life and you cannot, could not and also should not fix it for him. Only he can do that, if he wants to and as far as that is concerned, it's something I very much doubt, but in any case it is not your business.

 

I wish you all the very best.

[Space Ritual]

I'm not going to be that harsh...

 

But let's say that everything that you are saying is completely true. It was a deep and abiding love in every way. OK, that stuff happens, it has happened to me.

 

But it in reality, I mean the real life reality, he is not going to leave his GF and kids, few men do. So let's say that he is not playing you and he loves you as deeply as you love him, what difference does it make.

 

You cannot be together because he is not leaving his family. You are a married woman.

 

I understand that all of this hurts, I have been there. But what are your choices.

 

And let's not forget that you have a husband that you either need to divorce or work on your marriage with. You just have a lot of important decisions to make about your life, but the facts of the matter are that this guy is not one of them.

 

We would all like to ride off into the sunset with the people that we fall in love with, but it just does not work that way very often.

 

You are being far too nice, BP.....lol.

[Origin]

Hi lost,

 

I've been reading and meaning to post but I've been so busy with work, gym, friends and whatnot that I just simply didn't have the time. However I wanted to post this really quick and tell you to keep your head up and whatever you do DONT REACH OUT. Go back to page one and read my posts if you have to because this story doesn't have a happy ending for you if you DONT STOP, you will destroy your life of you aren't careful and you'll be left standing alone in the end. Please be careful on what moves you make next. Your Belgian guy will reach out again, of course he misses you and is thinking of you but he's not with you at the end...At the end after every conversation reality will come back to haunt you more then him. You need to stay away...I hope you do for your health.

 

I'll post more tonight when I get home, in the meantime Google Limerence and watch video by Dr. Joe Beam(podcasts) I think it will help you alot. I know I mentioned this to you in my last post but seriously give it a listen, it will give you peace.

[jenkins95]

How are you doing today (((lost)))?

 

Yeah, I think I know the answer - these things don't feel better overnight. But it would be nice to "see you".

 

Keep on posting! LS can help. I saw how vulnerable you were in your post yesterday - just want to give you some support and hugs and no more lectures.

 

Thinking of you.

 

Please come back. x

[lostintheuk]

Jenkins95 - you are a wonderful person and so kind to write me such great, thoughtful and honest advice. I can't tell you how much it's helping me. It helped me enormously yesterday when I was at a crisis point. I read your reply over and over in the bath. You are restoring my faith in humanity. When others are (somewhat understandably) turning their backs on me, you have been an anchor and a guide. Thank you.

 

I also greatly appreciate Tamari and Origin's help, thank you so much for wishing me the best and for helping me.

 

Jenkins you are right that in a couple, 5 and 10 years things will be very different. As much as I love this man, and desperately want it to work, you're right. The reality would be extremely challenging. I would have EU rights, but I would be in a very miserable situation and I bet I would feel very lonely. All his attention would be divided between work and the children, and I think I would struggle with that. As I mentioned before, he is such a difficult and troubled man without all of this.

 

I feel *slightly* better today, I have done some good work at least. It's just every time I get excited about a future plan, I wish he was involved, or that I could tell him...

 

Do you really think that he will try and contact again and that I need to have some sort of plan in this respect? It ended so, so badly, I just can't imagine that he would dare try. I told him it was over, was crying, venting in the car. He was adamant that he couldn't leave the children. He knows now he can't leave, so what would be the point of reaching out and repeating the cycle? Nothing will have changed so he knows there's no point. He thinks I am angry and won't ever speak to him again...

[BigBlueSky]

Jenkins95 - you are a wonderful person and so kind to write me such great, thoughtful and honest advice. I can't tell you how much it's helping me. It helped me enormously yesterday when I was at a crisis point. I read your reply over and over in the bath. You are restoring my faith in humanity. When others are (somewhat understandably) turning their backs on me, you have been an anchor and a guide. Thank you.

 

I also greatly appreciate Tamari and Origin's help, thank you so much for wishing me the best and for helping me.

 

Jenkins you are right that in a couple, 5 and 10 years things will be very different. As much as I love this man, and desperately want it to work, you're right. The reality would be extremely challenging. I would have EU rights, but I would be in a very miserable situation and I bet I would feel very lonely. All his attention would be divided between work and the children, and I think I would struggle with that. As I mentioned before, he is such a difficult and troubled man without all of this.

 

I feel *slightly* better today, I have done some good work at least. It's just every time I get excited about a future plan, I wish he was involved, or that I could tell him...

 

Do you really think that he will try and contact again and that I need to have some sort of plan in this respect? It ended so, so badly, I just can't imagine that he would dare try. I told him it was over, was crying, venting in the car. He was adamant that he couldn't leave the children. He knows now he can't leave, so what would be the point of reaching out and repeating the cycle? Nothing will have changed so he knows there's no point. He thinks I am angry and won't ever speak to him again...

 

I think that if you don't have a plan in place and you haven't blocked him from the avenues he has used to reach you, there is always a chance that he will come back. Even if he doesn't, you will always be waiting or anticipating hearing from him which will leave you anxious. I understand that there is a sort of finality when it comes to having a plan and blocking. I'm going through that myself. But I think it is incredibly difficult if not impossible to move on without doing it.

 

Hugs to you, lost....

[jenkins95]

Jenkins95 - you are a wonderful person and so kind to write me such great, thoughtful and honest advice. I can't tell you how much it's helping me. It helped me enormously yesterday when I was at a crisis point. I read your reply over and over in the bath. You are restoring my faith in humanity. When others are (somewhat understandably) turning their backs on me, you have been an anchor and a guide. Thank you.

 

I also greatly appreciate Tamari and Origin's help, thank you so much for wishing me the best and for helping me.

 

Jenkins you are right that in a couple, 5 and 10 years things will be very different. As much as I love this man, and desperately want it to work, you're right. The reality would be extremely challenging. I would have EU rights, but I would be in a very miserable situation and I bet I would feel very lonely. All his attention would be divided between work and the children, and I think I would struggle with that. As I mentioned before, he is such a difficult and troubled man without all of this.

 

I feel *slightly* better today, I have done some good work at least. It's just every time I get excited about a future plan, I wish he was involved, or that I could tell him...

 

Do you really think that he will try and contact again and that I need to have some sort of plan in this respect? It ended so, so badly, I just can't imagine that he would dare try. I told him it was over, was crying, venting in the car. He was adamant that he couldn't leave the children. He knows now he can't leave, so what would be the point of reaching out and repeating the cycle? Nothing will have changed so he knows there's no point. He thinks I am angry and won't ever speak to him again...

 

(((lostintheuk)))

 

Wow! What lovely things you said to me......I’m speechless! And I was worried that I had upset you! I don't feel I deserve your lovely, kind words, but thank you - you have overwhelmed me! I have a big smile on my face now thanks to you

 

I would like to write a longer message, but I have to leave my computer now, so let me get straight to the point! As for this: -

 

"Do you really think that he will try and contact again and that I need to have some sort of plan in this respect? It ended so, so badly, I just can't imagine that he would dare try."

 

Right now, this is dominating your thoughts right?, every minute of every day, possibly even in your sleep. You are in turmoil, turning it over in your mind over and over again - and there's no escape from it. I’m right, aren’t I?

 

Well, guess what? It's the same for him. I'm certain of it - I've been him remember! It will take enormous reserves of resolve and dedication not to contact you. I was SO SO close so many times, and in one crisis period, several wonderful members here supported me through the night with PMs telling me not to do it. The fact is, I wanted to comfort her and see if she was OK and to say I was sorry for how upset we were and how we hurt each other. But the other posters rightly told me that, unless I have changed my position and am going to leave my marriage and make plans to be with her, DON'T contact her. Show your love by letting her go if you can’t offer her what she wants. They told me that if she got a "Hey, how are you?" type message, then it could potentially destroy her (it would also have been a massive insult to my wife and could have been the last straw for my marriage, but I won’t write about that side of things here as this is an OW thread). And this came from a bunch of heartbroken OWs, so I listened hard to them and took their advice and support (I will forever be so grateful for them – they even stayed awake and didn’t go to bed to support me on this particular evening – they were amazing!). So I dug deep for many weeks, months even, until it passed. Even now, I COULD reach out, but the "need" and obsession has gone. I wish her all the best and want her to put this A long behind her and have a great life. And this cannot be done with me in contact.

 

Your MM is now in the same position as I was. He will hate himself for how cruel he was to you, he will be pining for you (as I said, I totally agree that there were genuine feelings and not just sex in your A), he will be missing you, he will be playing it all out over and over in his head berating himself for saying "X" instead of "Y" and for screwing it up so badly, wishing he could do the meeting all over again and get it right this time. But like I was, he will also know that you are extremely hurt and any continued contact could destroy you. Like me, he probably knows that, unless he changes his mind and takes steps to actually be with you, that any contact, especially a "How are you?" will play with your head terribly and do more harm than good. So he will fight his urges and try to do the right thing…...but he may fail. It will torment him day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute to the point of losing sleep and having mental peace at all. I'm almost sure of it. It will lessen with time, but that is many weeks away.

 

So, if he doesn't come back, please take that as a sign of love and know that it took a huge effort on his part. It is not the type of love that you want, but the type of love that recognises an impossible situation and wants to protect you from any further hurt. Don't take his silence to mean that he's forgotten and moved on. I promise you it will take months, and even then he will NEVER forget you. You will always have a special bond, a connection, even if it's a silent one with no further contact. And this DOESN'T mean that you can't rebuild things with H. I still feel that bond with OW, but I truly love my wife and we are rebuilding a new marriage. Some may see these two things as mutually exclusive, but I have made a peace with myself and I live with it happily. I don't overly indulge thoughts of the OW because it wouldn't be right – I concentrate on my wife and family, and my new self. But sometimes, in private moments on my own, I let my mind wander, and I find a smile on my face (and perhaps a tear on my cheek). As I said, I have found peace - my situation was as impossible as yours, in fact it was VERY similar and now at the position of two years reflection and recovery I see that it was definitely the right choice to end the A and work on my marriage. I’m sure she now sees it this way too – her life would have become incredibly complicated, just as yours would and she would have done it for me, just as you would have for him. But it would have been unfair to so many people and caused complete chaos. Much better to be free from that. I truly hope this route works for you too.

 

You seem like a lovely person who went down the wrong path. It's so easily done! You can get past this and recover. You will hurt for a while (realistically it will be several months), but you WILL get past it, with or without H (I hope WITH). There will always be a scar, but in exchange for that, you will have learned an awful lot about life and how to protect yourself.

 

I'm thinking of you lost and I'm rooting from my heart!!

 

I'm so pleased you feel a little better. Please keep posting! I know you will be fine! I probably won’t be around until Tue now, but this thread is the first I will visit – and I’ll be thinking of you!

Edited August 11, 2017 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

Another little (((hug))) for my new friend lost. I hope you are ok lost. We're here for you if you need us. x

[lostintheuk]

Dear Jenkins95,

 

Thank you for continuing to check up on me. Really. Everything I said was true, you are helping me through this hard time in my life and I can't thank you enough. You are my guardian angel.

 

I am very up and down. On Friday evening I went for a meal with my husband, and tried to focus on being the best, and kindest wife possible. I tried to re-commit my mind to him. I made a big effort for him but when we came home he rejected me saying he was 'too tired' and then fell asleep. I hit a crashing low and cried myself silently to sleep. He is so kind, romantic, caring, fun and thoughtful but why does he not prioritise sex over sleep? It always has to be discussed, or planned. The next morning I wanted to scream and scream in the shower. All I could think about was the way Belgian man held me, touched me, loved me so passionately. The way he looked into my eyes in such an intense way. I wanted him there next to me so badly. It is like biology has created our bodies for each other (I think our genes would probably make strong children). His smell drove me crazy. But he's not good for my mind or soul. I know that.

 

I take comfort in what you say Jenkins95, that he is missing me too. That this is probably hard for him. That I'm occupying his mind too. I dream of writing to him, writing down all the things I wish I'd said. There were so many miscommunications due to the language barrier. I want to tell him my love for him was pure and that I wish he didn't feel alone in life. But it would all still be so hopeless. At least I have the benefit of being able to talk about my feelings and write them down here, whereas he has nobody to talk to, and would never even know that online forums like this existed. I suppose I will emerge out of the other side less damaged. He said his gf and he don't talk, that he just does what he can not to be kicked out of the house, and that if she did find out she would just have to deal with it (not very nice). He goes to the bar to drown his sorrows and then comes home drunk. This can't make for a happy home life. I know he's not happy inside. Neither am I at the moment, but I am grateful that I still have a close friend in my husband and a support structure and that includes all you wonderful people.

 

Despite this, I still care so deeply. One day I will be older and will hopefully look back on this part of my life in a less painful way. I can't believe the feelings involved in an affair can be so different from a normal relationship. It is such an obsessive, strange love that I didn't know I was capable of feeling.

 

I have a question for you Jenkins - do you think you will ever speak to your affair partner again?

[DKT3]

Even without the affair being out in the open, it creates a distance within the marriage. WS can feel it but tend to BLAME it on the BS in absolute, starting phases with never and always. It's completely disingenuous.

 

You've spoken of OM being unwilling to walk away from the previous relationship, so why don't you? Why don't you leave and divorce? He will hurt but unknown to him at this point, will be much better without you as his wife.

Edited August 14, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T

[jah526]

His smell drove me crazy.

 

Same here. Read something relating to this on ChumpLady's site the other day which I thought was pretty interesting. In the comments section many of the BS's wrote in to say how bad their WS smelled to them while he/she was cheating.

 

I just thought it was interesting to get the perspective from the other side. Extending the thought, it made me wonder if MM's wife was being physically repulsed by him at the same time I was attracted. Ever wonder how the wife "just knows"? Maybe there's something biological to it.

 

In other words, the A could be driving a wedge between your AP and his SO without her even consciously knowing about it.

[jenkins95]

Dear Jenkins95,

 

Thank you for continuing to check up on me. Really. Everything I said was true, you are helping me through this hard time in my life and I can't thank you enough. You are my guardian angel.

 

I am very up and down. On Friday evening I went for a meal with my husband, and tried to focus on being the best, and kindest wife possible. I tried to re-commit my mind to him. I made a big effort for him but when we came home he rejected me saying he was 'too tired' and then fell asleep. I hit a crashing low and cried myself silently to sleep. He is so kind, romantic, caring, fun and thoughtful but why does he not prioritise sex over sleep? It always has to be discussed, or planned. The next morning I wanted to scream and scream in the shower. All I could think about was the way Belgian man held me, touched me, loved me so passionately. The way he looked into my eyes in such an intense way. I wanted him there next to me so badly. It is like biology has created our bodies for each other (I think our genes would probably make strong children). His smell drove me crazy. But he's not good for my mind or soul. I know that.

 

I take comfort in what you say Jenkins95, that he is missing me too. That this is probably hard for him. That I'm occupying his mind too. I dream of writing to him, writing down all the things I wish I'd said. There were so many miscommunications due to the language barrier. I want to tell him my love for him was pure and that I wish he didn't feel alone in life. But it would all still be so hopeless. At least I have the benefit of being able to talk about my feelings and write them down here, whereas he has nobody to talk to, and would never even know that online forums like this existed. I suppose I will emerge out of the other side less damaged. He said his gf and he don't talk, that he just does what he can not to be kicked out of the house, and that if she did find out she would just have to deal with it (not very nice). He goes to the bar to drown his sorrows and then comes home drunk. This can't make for a happy home life. I know he's not happy inside. Neither am I at the moment, but I am grateful that I still have a close friend in my husband and a support structure and that includes all you wonderful people.

 

Despite this, I still care so deeply. One day I will be older and will hopefully look back on this part of my life in a less painful way. I can't believe the feelings involved in an affair can be so different from a normal relationship. It is such an obsessive, strange love that I didn't know I was capable of feeling.

 

I have a question for you Jenkins - do you think you will ever speak to your affair partner again?

 

Hey (((lostintheuk)))!

 

How are you this week? Any updates on your situation? I haven't been on LS much since for a few days but I've been thinking of you and crossing my fingers for you. I am so glad that my posts and the posts of others are helping you make sense of all this and I really hope you are moving in the right direction! Keep on posting and stay with us. I see many positives in what you have been posting!

 

Here are a few reactions from your post above!

 

"I have a question for you Jenkins - do you think you will ever speak to your affair partner again?"

 

In a word...No! It has to be that way. When you have hurt someone as much as I have hurt my wife and you attempt to reconcile the marriage, it has to be with 100% commitment. If I were to have contact with the OW now, it would be the ultimate insult to my wife and would undo all the hard work of reconciliation. If my wife found out, even about a brief “Hello”, that would probably be an instant end to the marriage. As I had a D-day, I have no doubt how devastated she was about my A and thinking about that keeps me in check. You haven’t had a D-day, but if you had, you’d likely see the same thing from your H. Many waywards just don’t know how much damage they have done until they are faced with it. This was certainly the case for me.

 

Added to this, it would run a very big risk of upsetting me and the OW, perhaps stirring up old feelings and undoing the good work that NC has done for all of us. It's much better that everyone is left to recover and get on with their lives and not risk undoing recovery.

 

Having said this, I admit that on a selfish level, and speaking from a theoretical standpoint, I see a possible scenario where contact with the OW that could really helpful. That scenario could be meeting her in a nice café, having a coffee and maybe a meal together, both of us happy and over the affair. We would tell each other we were sorry and how we want the best for each other. We would tell each other that we will never forget each other but that the obsession has passed and that we both acknowledge that what we did was very selfish and wrong. We would spend a couple of very pleasant hours together, and would part with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

 

If it happened that way, it would definitely help me, free me of some of my demons and help me find closure...and perhaps for her too. But of course, there are 1001 other ways that such a meeting could go, and many of them would do more harm than good. And anyway, the bottom line, as I said, is that I have recommitted to my marriage and could not do this to my wife again, even if contact had a positive result in the way I described above.

 

 

"On Friday evening I went for a meal with my husband, and tried to focus on being the best, and kindest wife possible. I tried to re-commit my mind to him."

 

The thing is, this takes months and months. It's not something you can switch on and off, however much you may want to. Your heart is with another man right now, and it will take months of hard work and dedication to redirect it to your H. After my A, my head was all over the place. I wanted to feel the same for my wife...but I simply couldn't at first – and the more I tried to force it, the worse it felt. If you commit to it, process your grief for MM separately when you are on your own, do all the right actions with your H (even if your heart isn't 100% in it yet), accept the fact that you are not going to feel it immediately, then your mind should follow your actions. This takes resolve and commitment and there will be days when you don’t feel like it…but must do it anyway, if you want to get those feelings back, and I know you do.

 

“He (Hubby) is so kind, romantic, caring, fun and thoughtful…”

This is a great start. This can’t be said for every man. The fact that you recognise this, even where your head is right now, is very encouraging. You must have been in love with him once? Can you be again? Do you really want to throw all this away?

 

“I made a big effort for him but when we came home he rejected me saying he was 'too tired' and then fell asleep. I hit a crashing low and cried myself silently to sleep.”

 

and

 

“but why does he not prioritise sex over sleep? It always has to be discussed, or planned.”

 

Yes, this seems to be the crux of your issues in your M. You are crying out for more spontaneity, excitement, passion…and he doesn’t seem to see it. It comes back to communicate, communicate, communicate. You REALLY need to let him know how important this is to you and how unhappy you are and how you want to make changes in your marriage. If he loves you, and it seems like he does, he should listen and to agree to work on this with you.

 

 

“The next morning…All I could think about was the way Belgian man held me, touched me, loved me so passionately. The way he looked into my eyes in such an intense way. I wanted him there next to me so badly. It is like biology has created our bodies for each other”

 

From someone else who has been in an A, I totally get this - I could have written it myself (swapping "he" for "she" and "Belgian" for "Spanish")! But you do see that newness and fantasy is a massive part in this right? A HUGE part! It’s very easy to have amazing, urgent, blissful sex in an affair bubble and to feel such an intense, exciting connection with someone exciting and new (who is always on their best behaviour and showing you their best side). I experienced it myself. It is very unfair to compare this to a marriage….and it wouldn’t be the same with Belgian Guy 10 years from now if you were in a committed relationship with him. Don’t get me wrong, it could still be great, but it would be “long term”, “nothing new”, “committed” great – not the absolute hormone-fest of an affair!

 

“His smell drove me crazy. But he's not good for my mind or soul. I know that.”

 

If you were both single and there were no kids involved, it could have worked, but it’s pointless even thinking that way, because it’s not reality.

 

Please, work like crazy on your M, lostintheuk. Give it everything and communicate all the time. If it seems hopeless having given it everything you’ve got for a year, then you can walk away with dignity. But don’t go into it assuming it will fail. Don’t give up before you even try. I have detected a bit of this attitude in some of your posts. Try to keep your mind open to the possibility that you really can discover a great marriage again.

 

Wishing you all the best lost. Please send us an update soon. You will be OK! I know you will x

Edited August 16, 2017 by jenkins95

[Origin]

Dear Lost,

 

You truly are lost, confused, unsure on what to do. Reading your very long and emotional reply I can tell how much you're struggling. However, I'm going to ask you to do one thing for yourself. Don't lie to yourself...When you write "idk if I would leave my husband, I needed to buy time"...Honestly I don't believe you, I think if that guy called you today and said "come move and live here with me" you'd be on the next flight to Belgium. To me or anybody on here it doesn't matter if you do one way or other, but don't start lying to yourself. Your post is so emotional it is VERY clear to all of us that you'd leave to be with him in a heartbeat, we've all been in your shoes, we know how it feels.

 

 

You are asking wrong questions here however, "did he love me, is he thinking about me, is it hard for him also". Those are all wrong questions because at the end of the day, he won't leave her, I'm sorry to say it and I know you wanna believe otherwise and how you'll prove us all wrong but it won't happen.

 

 

There is NO DOUBT in my mind that he will reach out to you again. Yes, he does care and love you on some level and he will reach out to get a "fix of the drug", to get the physical contact again so you need to prepare for that and what you will do.

 

I'm telling you right now that your life will be a roller coaster from now on, I can tell, I can tell the way you write, I know exactly how you're gonna cave when he reaches out. You're taking about surprise visiting him so he can see you and so you can "trigger" good memories in him so he can finally see/realize he should be with you (I know, I was there, had the exact same thoughts). You wanna talk so he can laugh with you at your cute British accent(I'm foreign also so I know what you mean by the comment). You're already trying to find some compromise in your mind "oh what if we did this annually", but that's a disaster for you. He still won't be with you, he and you will just drag this out until you get destroyed. He loves you but he doesn't love you like you love him.

 

Two things will happen and you need to decide what choice you want.

 

Choice 1(probably the best choice for you)

 

He will reach out but you need to go ghost mode on him. Block, ignore and do anything not to let him contact you in any way (email, text, Facebook, snapchat, smoke signal, flying pigeon, whatever).

 

Have a conversation with your husband and get a divorce. Go find somebody who will be committed to you, be there for you and can fulfill you sexually and emotionally. Move on and love life.

 

Choice 2(worst choice for you and the one you'll probably pick)

 

He will reach out, you'll cave, think of some compromise so you can get the A started going again. You'll have ups and downs. There will be days where you are sure you'll end up together and then you'll have days where nothing makes sense and you'll be even more lost, you'll find yourself visiting this forum even more often. Eventually your husband will find out and it will all spectacularly blow up in your face and you'll be left alone because no matter what scenario happens... You won't end up with him in a relationship you want or think you'll have with him. Time will pass and one day you'll wake up and realise you just wasted years from your life and it was all for nothing, the heartbreak and everything was for nothing.

 

Go read a story from "what_did_i_do", she wasted 7 years on her A(still reading her story and getting ready to reply) and at the end she's alone now, that guy is still not with her and I'm sure he was selling her the same bs the Belgian guy was selling you.

 

Whatever you decide we will support you but.... Only you can help yourself. At the end of the day our support can only take you so far. Understand that this forum is to help you get over your A, help you cope and understand what happened, help you on how to move on.... However nobody here will give you advice on what to do to continue with your A which you seem you wanna do.

 

I hope I'm wrong but I see myself commenting on your story from now. The way you write.... Your A will restart and with it so will your roller coaster ride.... Welcome aboard?

 

I wrote this to you in June and about 90% of it came out true. I'm sharing this because I can still tell you are yearning over this man and you'll probably see him again. I mean your comment "I think our genes would probably make strong children" is very powerful and it gives away your true thoughts. The sentence is present tense not past indicating you're nowhere near being over him.

 

Go back to paige 1 and start reading forward. You'll see how your boundaries quickly go from NC to I just wanna talk, to sex. As somebody mentioned your boundaries disappeared as days went by and as you started missing him more and more.

 

If you wanna get better you need to change your number, email and everything otherwise you won't make it. He will reach out again and again you'll cave.

I've noticed that alot of people (myself included) when they are at the timeframe you are at, start to "compromise" things. I mean you'll go from "we can continue the A and see what happens, he/she will realize I'm the one" to "take your time I'll wait for you, in the meantime the A can resume".

 

Trust me, all of that catches up to you one day, ALL OF IT. Especially because your heart wants one thing but you're receiving something completely else.

 

I hope that you can change yourself and stay away from him because you already started the rollercoaster and it's not pretty at the end for you. Think about this, please.

 

Your H still has no clue but it's only a matter of time if you keep doing what you're doing. How will he feel when he finds out, your friends, his family.... Your decision is impacting alot of lives. If you don't feel it for your husband anymore you need to do the right thing then and stop being selfish. Either commit 100% and break off all contact with Belgian man, not giving him any way to contact you or give your H a divorce. You'll hurt less people this way and you'll keep your dignity.

[jenkins95]

I wrote this to you in June and about 90% of it came out true. I'm sharing this because I can still tell you are yearning over this man and you'll probably see him again. I mean your comment "I think our genes would probably make strong children" is very powerful and it gives away your true thoughts. The sentence is present tense not past indicating you're nowhere near being over him.

 

Go back to paige 1 and start reading forward. You'll see how your boundaries quickly go from NC to I just wanna talk, to sex. As somebody mentioned your boundaries disappeared as days went by and as you started missing him more and more.

 

If you wanna get better you need to change your number, email and everything otherwise you won't make it. He will reach out again and again you'll cave.

I've noticed that alot of people (myself included) when they are at the timeframe you are at, start to "compromise" things. I mean you'll go from "we can continue the A and see what happens, he/she will realize I'm the one" to "take your time I'll wait for you, in the meantime the A can resume".

 

Trust me, all of that catches up to you one day, ALL OF IT. Especially because your heart wants one thing but you're receiving something completely else.

 

I hope that you can change yourself and stay away from him because you already started the rollercoaster and it's not pretty at the end for you. Think about this, please.

 

Your H still has no clue but it's only a matter of time if you keep doing what you're doing. How will he feel when he finds out, your friends, his family.... Your decision is impacting alot of lives. If you don't feel it for your husband anymore you need to do the right thing then and stop being selfish. Either commit 100% and break off all contact with Belgian man, not giving him any way to contact you or give your H a divorce. You'll hurt less people this way and you'll keep your dignity.

 

This is an amazingly insightful post, as was Origin's referenced post from June. Brilliant writing that comes from, I suspect, very painful experience.

 

Even though my xOW and I got ourselves into an awful mess and hurt so many people, I now see that we did one thing right...or at least we eventually did. We went NC and we stuck to it permanently. It was excrutiatingly difficult for me, and I imagine it was for a while for her too. Many times, I wanted to reach out for a "quick fix", but I resisted - and so did she.

 

Prior to that, there was a lot of back and forth, breaking NC, discussion of "compromises", etc, etc. All of that just made everything 10000x worse. Either we had to be together 100% or it had to end 100%. Like so many MM, I wasn't prepared to leave my wife and family (and I never future faked) and so it had to end when everything hit the fan. My not reaching out and maintaining NC was, in part, an act of love, because although I knew it would cause a lot of short-term pain, I also knew it was the only way to free her...and me from the addiction.

 

I also wanted to be genuine in reconciliation and try to repair my marriage and family, so again complete NC with the xOW is essential on this side too.

 

It is the same for you lost. Now, it's not very nice to be compared to Hitler, but you have something in common with him, just as I did. And I'm not talking about his moustache (I hope ). You are fighting a battle on two fronts. On the one front, you need to dig deep and find out what can be done about your marriage and whether you can rescue it. On the other front, you are madly in love with a very toxic MM. You have to resolve the latter of these before you can even attempt to tackle the former - your husband is little more than an after-thought at the moment, because of where your head is with MM. But, as origin has spelled out, the chances of anything coming off postiively for you with MM are vanishingly small. You therefore must block, ghost and do anything you can to make sure there is NO CONTACT. Only when you completely close down that front will you be able to really concentrate on your marriage.

 

I detect from some of your posts that part of you has already given up on the marriage. For example, your husband not wanting sex after your otherwise very pleasant night affected you very much and you wrote about it here as if to validate your stance. Try to be careful here - if you just pay lip service to reconciliation but in the back of your mind don't expect it to work, your negativity will latch onto the smallest thing that is not perfect. If secretly, you have very little faith in the marriage, then this will subconsciously sabotage reconciliation and can become like a self-fulfilling prophecy to you. It will be hard work, go in with an open mind.

 

How are you anyway lost? Hope you are feeling a little better lost. Please read Origin's words over and over again. She is spot on here. x

Edited August 17, 2017 by jenkins95

[lostintheuk]

Hello Origin and Jenkins95 and anyone else who is following my thread.

 

I'm ok thank you. Nothing to report. I haven't contacted him, and he hasn't contacted me. It's been nearly two weeks and I haven't been counting the days, which I suppose is something. But the worrying thing is, I feel like it's not over, so I feel fine getting on with my life and that one day we will speak again. Which is not a great approach I know, but I have stopped crying and don't think of him every waking minute like I did in those 5 weeks of NC.

 

I've always been a fairly strong person but this situation has made me the weakest I've ever been. I completely agree that my boundaries get broken down the longer we don't speak. I don't understand how all the bad memories and anger subsides with time? Why does this happen? Why do the good memories remain so firmly in the mind? I imagine this is happening to Belgian man too?

 

Jenkins95, you're right about trying to give the M my all. My H does adore and love me, but the lack of sex does make me very angry. I have discussed this with him a lot, and he always says he will make an effort, but then doesn't. Several of his friends have made references that my H is lucky (although I guess he's not because his W was unfaithful, but prior to this), and he behaves like we have a great sex life. He's very physical in public. But it's been awful for nearly 2 years and it was never great to start with. I should have addressed the problem a long time ago, but I really hoped it would improve with time. What's worse is that all the rejection has made me not want to sleep with him at the moment. I feel like my body (and no, there's no hitler moustache!) is being wasted in whats meant to be the prime of my life and then I panic and feel trapped.

 

I have deleted Belgian man's number but I can't quite bring myself to block him yet. I just am not at that stage yet, sadly. I honestly don't think he will contact me because he thinks I am completely furious. It does feel horrible that things were left in the way they were, but there is no perfect way to end something like this. Like you say Jenkins95, you imagine an ideal situation where you could meet your AP in a café and have a lovely ending. But that so rarely happens and probably if you saw her, some feelings might come rushing back.

 

I have been writing a letter to Belgian man which I won't send. It's cathartic and it helps me to process my feelings.

 

After I finish my MA degree in October I am thinking about trying to get a few weeks working in Europe. I'm wondering whether I should go alone to get a bit of perspective. I feel like all the thoughts about Belgian man and my H are blurring together and I can't seem to tell what I'm feeling anymore. I just think about getting through each day at the moment...

 

The one thing that is strange is that there are so many little signs everywhere that make me remember being with him. For example, it seems every time I turn on the tv there is some mention of Belgium or Belgian people. I am just hyper-sensitive to it now. Also my H and family made some Dutch friends on holiday, who sent us a parcel from their home in Belgium. Then the builders working at our home wrote the initials '_ loves _ ' on the dusty window (our initials). Lots of things like this keep happening. I know they don't mean anything but they trigger my memory and then I feel sad.

 

Sorry that this post is a bit rambling, I am just posting a stream of thoughts...

 

Thank you, as always, for the support.

Edited August 18, 2017 by lostintheuk

[jenkins95]

(((lostintheuk)))

 

Thanks for the update! Well done for not reaching out to him - it will get easier. But the first few months (yes, MONTHS, I'm afraid) will be tough. You are breaking an addiction, so don't expect miracles too early.

 

A few specific comments: -

 

Jenkins95, you're right about trying to give the M my all. My H does adore and love me, but the lack of sex does make me very angry. I have discussed this with him a lot, and he always says he will make an effort, but then doesn't. Several of his friends have made references that my H is lucky (although I guess he's not because his W was unfaithful, but prior to this), and he behaves like we have a great sex life. He's very physical in public. But it's been awful for nearly 2 years and it was never great to start with. I should have addressed the problem a long time ago, but I really hoped it would improve with time. What's worse is that all the rejection has made me not want to sleep with him at the moment. I feel like my body (and no, there's no hitler moustache!) is being wasted in whats meant to be the prime of my life and then I panic and feel trapped.

 

He sounds like a great guy apart from the sex. If you could just work on that, things could be great. It seems like you are a beautiful woman who any man should be very proud of. What would he do if you got dressed up in your sexiest underwear, etc...and just jumped on him? Would he go with it...or do you think there is a risk he might reject you? Do you think he has a naturally low libido?

 

I have deleted Belgian man's number but I can't quite bring myself to block him yet.

 

A step in the right direction! Well done, but be aware that he may well try to contact you out of the blue. Be prepared for what your response will be.

 

After I finish my MA degree in October I am thinking about trying to get a few weeks working in Europe. I'm wondering whether I should go alone to get a bit of perspective.

 

I'd stay away from Belgium if I were you

 

Good luck with yor Masters degree! Let us know how you get on?

 

But lost, a few weeks working in Europe WITHOUT H? Surely you should be working as hard as you can on the marriage? And don't forget, you are putting yourself at risk in that situation. In Europe you will encounter many handsome, dark, exotic strangers who will find your English accent very cute - sound familiar? Would your H be ok with you going alone? Many married people would not be comfortable with long-term time apart.

 

The one thing that is strange is that there are so many little signs everywhere that make me remember being with him. For example, it seems every time I turn on the tv there is some mention of Belgium or Belgian people. I am just hyper-sensitive to it now. Also my H and family made some Dutch friends on holiday, who sent us a parcel from their home in Belgium. Then the builders working at our home wrote the initials '_ loves _ ' on the dusty window (our initials). Lots of things like this keep happening. I know they don't mean anything but they trigger my memory and then I feel sad.

 

Welcome to the world of "triggers" lost! Most LS members know about this. I found exactly the same. My A happened in certain cities - and after the A, I just couldn't believe how often I suddenly kept hearing mention of them on the TV and radio. Also, her name is quite rare - and suddenly I kept noticing it everywhere! Don't worry lost, this is not uncommon! It will get less.

 

Sorry that this post is a bit rambling, I am just posting a stream of thoughts...

 

Thank you, as always, for the support.

 

You ramble all you want lost! That's what LS is here for. We are thinking of you and wish you the best!