Young, lost and probably very foolish - is this over?

[whichwayisup]

But it's been awful for nearly 2 years and it was never great to start with.

 

Sex between you two will always be an issue, fact too that it was never great to begin with could be the reason why (other than your affair) your marriage isn't fixable. sex is important to you and it isn't to your husband. He isn't going to change, he is who he is. And that may not be enough for you.

 

Have you thought about confessing your affair to your husband? Maybe if he knew the truth he'd fight harder for you instead of rejecting you? Either way living a lie and holding this in is doing more damage than you realize. I'm betting he knows something is off with you (your moods, sadness, distance etc) and suspects you've cheated but has no proof.

 

Also, you CAN make it over with the exMM. If you want it over it can be. Make it impossible for him to contact you and hold yourself accountable, make yourself a promise that you are done, even if he tries to reach out! You can say no and stay away from him.

 

Get counseling. On your own and with your husband.

[jenkins95]

Sex between you two will always be an issue, fact too that it was never great to begin with could be the reason why (other than your affair) your marriage isn't fixable. sex is important to you and it isn't to your husband. He isn't going to change, he is who he is. And that may not be enough for you.

 

Have you thought about confessing your affair to your husband? Maybe if he knew the truth he'd fight harder for you instead of rejecting you? Either way living a lie and holding this in is doing more damage than you realize. I'm betting he knows something is off with you (your moods, sadness, distance etc) and suspects you've cheated but has no proof.

 

Also, you CAN make it over with the exMM. If you want it over it can be. Make it impossible for him to contact you and hold yourself accountable, make yourself a promise that you are done, even if he tries to reach out! You can say no and stay away from him.

 

Get counseling. On your own and with your husband.

 

The "to tell or not to tell" issue is something many people who did not have a D-day struggle with. It is a controversial issue which divides opinions on LS and in general.

 

When my wife find out, of course it was absolutely awful - one of the worst experiences we have ever had. BUT...it paved the way to intimacy. We talked like we hadn't talked for years. We found out what was and wasn't working in our marriage for each of us, things that had upset us (not just the A), things we wanted to change. Why the A happened. And we cried so much together - and saw each other's love and vulnerability.

 

I think for me, that if my wife never knew anything about it, then we wouldn't be as close now, we wouldn't talk so intimately and would probably still just "live" withour dissatisfactions. And my secret would weigh very heavily on me. I think I would be quite depressed.

 

But that's just me. This is a very individual decision and everyone is different. It takes massive courage to tell your partner when you are not forced to - and it WILL hurt them immensely. Is it the right thing to do? Every relationship is different and only you can decide this for your situation.

[Origin]

Hello Origin and Jenkins95 and anyone else who is following my thread.

 

I'm ok thank you. Nothing to report. I haven't contacted him, and he hasn't contacted me. It's been nearly two weeks and I haven't been counting the days, which I suppose is something. But the worrying thing is, I feel like it's not over, so I feel fine getting on with my life and that one day we will speak again. Which is not a great approach I know, but I have stopped crying and don't think of him every waking minute like I did in those 5 weeks of NC.

Very common since you haven't been really burned yet. I hate to say it but you cant stop yourself and you have no control over yourself, he is like a puppet master now when it comes to you. If he needed to talk to you tomorrow, you'd be on the first flight to Belgium. You have to try and do everything to get yourself out of that spot, you'll regret it if you don't.

 

 

I've always been a fairly strong person but this situation has made me the weakest I've ever been. I completely agree that my boundaries get broken down the longer we don't speak. I don't understand how all the bad memories and anger subsides with time? Why does this happen? Why do the good memories remain so firmly in the mind? I imagine this is happening to Belgian man too?

 

HAH!! OMG, if you only knew how many times i asked myself the same question when i was in the situation with my woman. She did some brutal things but i ALWAYS found a way to pretend it didn't happen, or i always justified it. She knew i wanted kids so she played it perfectly to continue going.

 

Its crazy thou, you go from hating the person to only remembering the "good times" which usually does the trick to "try one more time".

 

 

I have deleted Belgian man's number but I can't quite bring myself to block him yet. I just am not at that stage yet, sadly. I honestly don't think he will contact me because he thinks I am completely furious. It does feel horrible that things were left in the way they were, but there is no perfect way to end something like this. Like you say Jenkins95, you imagine an ideal situation where you could meet your AP in a café and have a lovely ending. But that so rarely happens and probably if you saw her, some feelings might come rushing back.

 

He will contact, I'm sure he will. Last part sounds like fantasy again, you're again sliding away. Actually you're doing what i was doing. You're already justifying why will it be OK to see him again(ended on horrible terms), but the problems is there is never a GOOD term because at every ending he is not with you, I've learned that the hard way. You really need to protect yourself.

 

 

After I finish my MA degree in October I am thinking about trying to get a few weeks working in Europe. I'm wondering whether I should go alone to get a bit of perspective. I feel like all the thoughts about Belgian man and my H are blurring together and I can't seem to tell what I'm feeling anymore. I just think about getting through each day at the moment...

 

The way you write, your marriage is over. Sex is too important to you, that's why you need to divorce now while you can still preserve some respect from him.

 

The last parts you wrote. The woman i was with eventually told me same thing when everything ended. She just could not make up her mind, and would just want to live day by day....it didn't end very well for anybody involved. If you don't have a goal or plan in mind you're a ship sailing without a captain. Take some time and realize that certain things are meant to happen but they aren't meant to last. You need to have a plan for your life besides school. Your love life has no compass...very dangerous.

 

 

The one thing that is strange is that there are so many little signs everywhere that make me remember being with him. For example, it seems every time I turn on the tv there is some mention of Belgium or Belgian people. I am just hyper-sensitive to it now. Also my H and family made some Dutch friends on holiday, who sent us a parcel from their home in Belgium. Then the builders working at our home wrote the initials '_ loves _ ' on the dusty window (our initials). Lots of things like this keep happening. I know they don't mean anything but they trigger my memory and then I feel sad.

 

Sorry that this post is a bit rambling, I am just posting a stream of thoughts...

 

Thank you, as always, for the support.

 

This is the WORST and it's very common. I still to this day get reminded of her every time i see "Mazda" driving around town. Lots of triggers but with time they start to fade.

Edited August 21, 2017 by Origin

[lostintheuk]

Thank you Jenkins95, Origin and whichwayisup,

 

Thank you for your insightful posts - they are all so helpful.

 

Over the weekend I experienced a new emotion - anger. I am so angry with the Belgian man.

 

I bent over backwards to accommodate him. I listened to every problem he had (usually of his own making from having an angry outburst). I was pretty much on my best behaviour while he threw problem after problem at me, and I took it on, accepted him, loved him. He said I had every quality he looked for in a woman. He did love me, I am 100% sure of that. Whether he still does? I don't know. But why can't he even manage to apologise for the way he left me crying at the Eurostar?

 

All I imagine is him going back to this rosy domestic set-up, without a care in the world. Of course I know that's not logical and that all the problems will still be there. There may even be more if he's lost his job. I just hope he's hurting too and struggling with his decision as much as I am hurting over this. When I'm calm, I wish him well in my mind. Yet right now I hope this is eating him up. I *think* it probably is because he is an obsessive 'thinker', and his job driving gives him so much free thinking time. I know he will be going over and over it in his mind. I hope the sight of me coming out of the bathroom in my stockings and suspenders goes over in his mind too. He was so shocked a woman would dress up in nice underwear just for him. I just want to shout at him and maybe puncture all the tyres in his stupid fancy car (I know - I'm pathetic). Why did he give me that eternity necklace when he hadn't fully thought it all through? Why didn't he tell me on the boat that he had children?! I was honest straight away about my situation. He should not have contacted me again after we left the boat.

 

Is the anger healthy? It makes me feel like there's no point in ever speaking again because it will never work out. I'm NOT going to Belgium again. I am not that weak. If he offered to meet me in the UK? Yes, I'm probably still that weak right now, at this very moment. But I'm getting better. I'm trying to distract myself with career things, and I've decided to ask my husband whether he will go and talk to someone about his sexual problems. We have been communicating more. I also think I might get a bit of therapy myself so I can talk freely.

 

Origin, what would be his motivation for contacting now? He knows it's pointless starting it up again because he's not leaving the children and he's feeling guilty. You think he will weaken over time and cave in? I don't know about that. He is the most stubborn person I've ever met. Strong-willed and obsessed with being masculine and not 'weak'.

 

Re the ship without a captain...my plan is this: get through the next 6 weeks until my MA is over and try and get some therapy alongside the work.

 

I can't wait until he occupies less of my headspace...

[elaine567]

I am not sure why you need to ask why he would start it up again as he is not leaving his children?

MOST of the married or attached men in affairs, spoken about on here will NOT leave their marriages or their children yet they carry on regardless.

They test the OW and if she is keen to continue even despite the knowledge he will never leave, then all is golden.

 

If your Belgian man comes to the UK and you are happy to hook up with him again, of course he is going to keep tapping that well.

YOU appear to be naive and "romantic", affairs can be about love and romance but often they are more about needs and wants than anything else.

They can sometimes be wrapped up in a fancier parcel in order to justify their existence and I guess that is what is happening here.

YOU are cheating on your husband, risking it all, it is thus inconceivable to think that you could just be a mere plaything and distraction to this guy, you NEED to believe this man loves you and that what you have is "special", else you will feel foolish "what a idiot! - I am ruining my marriage and for what..."

 

Read this - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/632130-ghosted-over-year-ago-still-hurts.

[lostintheuk]

While I appreciate your advice, I wish you would not tar everybody with the same brush.

 

I don't believe I was a plaything. It may not have been unique but we did have a genuine connection and we did love each other. It is possible for men to also have real feelings for somebody other than their girlfriend. I am sure there are just as many cases of this happening as there are men who use and abuse their OW.

 

I am not going to contact or see this man, I was just saying I am still in a weak position if he contacted me. Hopefully this won't be the case soon.

[stillafool]

OP I think again your ego is just hurt because he hasn't contacted you. He even said he didn't know why you were hurt. He is moving on with his life and it's doubtful that he is pinning away for you. He will gladly meet you in the UK for another romp but that is as far as he will go. There is no beautiful love story in this affair and when you realize the truth it will be easier to move on. Instead of being angry with him, get angry at yourself for getting involved in this situation and what you have done to your husband. You would have left your husband for this man but he was not going to leave his wife for you. I think it would be a good idea to confess what you have done to your husband and why. Then enter therapy so you can move on to find a man who will love you.

[lostintheuk]

Why are you so intent to tell me it meant nothing? The only people who actually know what went on are the two of us. And I know this wasn't just sex. Why do you have to be so cynical to think that it is not possible for a man and woman to love each other just because there is a girlfriend and husband involved too? Not all men are so bad. Some are capable of loving their OW.

 

You're so quick to assume the absolute worst. Not all stories follow the same format. Sometimes posting on here feels like you're about to be eaten alive by a pack of hungry dogs.

[lostintheuk]

And now I see why you're so cynical - you've both posted thousands and thousands of posts. I expect you've read enough sad stories to destroy all faith in people. You've stopped viewing people as individual cases.

 

I am looking for support, not to be beaten down by cynicism.

[jenkins95]

(((lost)))

 

A little support for you from a former wayward who knows what it's like to be where you are.

 

stillafool and elaine567 are very experienced, knowledgeable posters. They've helped me a lot. They've seen these siuations play out 1000 times before and they use tough love to try to get you to see the situation objectively, as they see it, and to break you out of the fog. They ultimately want to save you as much pain as possible.

 

But I do understand how it feels to be in your position. In fact, I just read though my very first thread and see a lot of me in you...and a lot of the tougher posts I received similar to what you are getting. People want to help. Some (like me) take a softly softly approach, others use tough love. But we all ultimately want to see you breaking free of MM (who we all see as toxic to you and your M) and to see you recovering and working on your marriage -

either to rescue it, or end it if you feel it cannot be rescued.

 

stillafool and elaine567 would like nothing more in this thread than to see progress in you and to see you starting to concentrate more on your marriage, so when they see your post is primarily concerned with MM, they apply a little tough love to try to get you back on the right path. I shouldn't really speak for them - just my opinion.

 

But I know you are hurting. I know you want to work on your M, but find it very difficult to do that until you feel 'closure' from the A. Sadly, in these situations, we rarely get closure from the AP - it normally comes from within after lots of work, introspection, reflection and recovery. Take it from me as an xMM that he will be struggling and missing you too - but the situation was impossible. The end may not have been dealt with well - but endings often aren't. Emotions are all over the place, defences are up, people are in survival mode and often they do and say cruel things that they later regret. But even if it had ended in a much more pleasant way - it still had to end and one way or another you have to try to let it go. You both made selfish mistakes that led you to here and now you are both paying the price.

 

Feel free to post whatever you want here and we will support you as best we can, even if you don't like some of the responses. I for one, know that your R was about more than sex for both of you and that you developed a strong, emotional bond......but that still doesn't make it right. And indeed, will make it a lot tougher for you to fully recover from. The same is true for my A.

 

I think that, as long as the anger is helping you get past the A, then yes, it is healthy and you will likely experience a full spectrum of emotions through your recovery. I know it is very difficult getting over another person while at the same time trying to be committed to and working on your marriage - I did that too. You need other outlets, so please keep posting. Good luck with your studies (great to have a 'Master' amongst us!). Concentrate on that (and your marriage) for now - and yes, great idea to head straight for counselling after that!

 

I'm still thinking of you. I recognise a lot of you in me and that's why I know you will be OK one day!

Edited August 21, 2017 by jenkins95

[DKT3]

(((lost)))

 

A little support for you from a former wayward who knows what it's like to be where you are.

 

stillafool and elaine567 are very experienced, knowledgeable posters. They've helped me a lot. They've seen these siuations play out 1000 times before and they use tough love to try to get you to see the situation objectively, as they see it, and to break you out of the fog. They ultimately want to save you as much pain as possible.

 

But I do understand how it feels to be in your position. In fact, I just read though my very first thread and see a lot of me in you...and a lot of the tougher posts I received similar to what you are getting. People want to help. Some (like me) take a softly softly approach, others use tough love. But we all ultimately want to see you breaking free of MM (who we all see as toxic to you and your M) and to see you recovering and working on your marriage -

either to rescue it, or end it if you feel it cannot be rescued.

 

stillafool and elaine567 would like nothing more in this thread than to see progress in you and to see you starting to concentrate more on your marriage, so when they see your post is primarily concerned with MM, they apply a little tough love to try to get you back on the right path. I shouldn't really speak for them - just my opinion.

 

But I know you are hurting. I know you want to work on your M, but find it very difficult to do that until you feel 'closure' from the A. Sadly, in these situations, we rarely get closure from the AP - it normally comes from within after lots of work, introspection, reflection and recovery. Take it from me as an xMM that he will be struggling and missing you too - but the situation was impossible. The end may not have been dealt with well - but endings often aren't. Emotions are all over the place, defences are up, people are in survival mode and often they do and say cruel things that they later regret. But even if it had ended in a much more pleasant way - it still had to end and one way or another you have to try to let it go. You both made selfish mistakes that led you to here and now you are both paying the price.

 

Feel free to post whatever you want here and we will support you as best we can, even if you don't like some of the responses. I for one, know that your R was about more than sex for both of you and that you developed a strong, emotional bond......but that still doesn't make it right. And indeed, will make it a lot tougher for you to fully recover from. The same is true for my A.

 

I think that, as long as the anger is helping you get past the A, then yes, it is healthy and you will likely experience a full spectrum of emotions through your recovery. I know it is very difficult getting over another person while at the same time trying to be committed to and working on your marriage - I did that too. You need other outlets, so please keep posting. Good luck with your studies (great to have a 'Master' amongst us!). Concentrate on that (and your marriage) for now - and yes, great idea to head straight for counselling after that!

 

I'm still thinking of you. I recognise a lot of you in me and that's why I know you will be OK one day!

His actions don't indicate love, even his words as she described them are at best iffy on the love thing. The issue as I see it is very common with WWs it has to be love for them to have risked so much. This makes it extremely easy for some to be mislead.

 

My question in this situation is always why does it matter? If you admit it was wrong, that it can't work or that you don't want it too why does it matter? Why is she clingy about it being some fairy tail romance?

 

The WSs that seem to do the best with moving on are those that accept that it doesn't matter. They choose for what ever reason that they didn't want to be with that person they accepted it and are able to move on. Those that get stuck on what it meant just get stuck. We have a poster who has been stuck for two decades still going on about what it means

 

Call it tough love, but really it's just reality, no safety nets in life. Being all warm and fuzzy to allow someone to minimize doesn't help in the long run, it only prolongs delusional thinking.

[jenkins95]

My question in this situation is always why does it matter? If you admit it was wrong, that it can't work or that you don't want it too why does it matter?

 

Ego, I guess! And that's not a dig at lost. I think it's pretty much human nature.

 

Also, it's nicer to believe that you were the victim of a tragic, impossible, romantic love story than to accept that you were simply used for sex.

 

I don't think he necessarily loved her either, but I do believe an emotional connection developed above just the sexual aspect.

 

I don't mean to be "warm and fuzzy". I want her to let go of this toxic man as much as any of you and I agree that she needs to not get stuck on him. I just try to recognise when someone needs a hug, that's all, despite their mistakes I've been there!

Edited August 21, 2017 by jenkins95

[DKT3]

Ego, I guess! And that's not a dig at lost. I think it's pretty much human nature.

 

Also, it's nicer to believe that you were the victim of a tragic, impossible, romantic love story than to accept that you were simply used for sex.

 

I don't think he necessarily loved her either, but I do believe an emotional connection developed above just the sexual aspect.

 

I don't mean to be "warm and fuzzy". I want her to let go of this toxic man as much as any of you and I agree that she needs to not get stuck on him. I just try to recognise when someone needs a hug, that's all, despite their mistakes I've been there!

 

I guess what I'm really getting at is, what is love in her opinion? It appears to be someone who will make an effort to have sex with her. Which is in n line with the whole 80/20 thing since sex is what seems to be missing in her marriage.

 

I personally think they are both playing a game. She makes all this commotion about what future they have but she hasn't taken one step towards it on her end only complaints about what he isn't doing. Yet she goes home every night and puts on a full production for her husband. She is no more committed then is MM.

[jenkins95]

I guess what I'm really getting at is, what is love in her opinion? It appears to be someone who will make an effort to have sex with her. Which is in n line with the whole 80/20 thing since sex is what seems to be missing in her marriage.

 

I personally think they are both playing a game. She makes all this commotion about what future they have but she hasn't taken one step towards it on her end only complaints about what he isn't doing. Yet she goes home every night and puts on a full production for her husband. She is no more committed then is MM.

 

Yes, I'm really hoping that losts posts start to be less about MM and more about H each time she posts.

[DKT3]

Yes, I'm really hoping that losts posts start to be less about MM and more about H each time she posts.

 

Honestly, I see a great deal of similar aspects to both of your stories. I believe both affairs are more about codependency than love. Believing that the affair has filled the gaps. When in reality it's just another way to sooth superficially. You know like drinking or doing drugs.

 

Does one love boozes or drugs? Or do you love the fact that your problems and/or issues seem to disappear while under the influence?

 

Of course human interaction is more complicated, but not so much. Drink, drugs or an AP are all tools used to avoid the issues in life. It can, and most often does create codependent relationships.

 

No one can ever truly say someone does or doesn't love someone. But as that old saying goes, actions speak louder than words. I believe that you cared for OW because you knew you wanted to work on your marriage and showed by actions that you wanted what was best for her by being honest and letting her go, not leading her on with BS and false promises. In this case that is all OP is getting. In my opinion there is absolutely nothing authentic about OP affair on either side, just a bunch of words that are reinforcing shared bad behavior...AKA future faking to make one another feel better about betrayal.

[lostintheuk]

I am certain it was love between us. You can't possibly know what takes place between two people. The way he looked at me, spoke to me, held me. The way he cared about my passions, work, family. He wanted to talk to everybody he could about me (which nearly got him caught out). He wanted to be next to me at every opportunity. He would spend so long staring at me, admiring me in a very intense way. He wanted to meet my mother, wanted to meet everyone that was important to me and introduced me to his brother. He said he was haunted by the times he'd hurt me and that they replayed in his mind and that's why he tried to keep away from me during the 5 weeks. He was nearly in tears when I ended it that first time. He told me his deepest secrets and sought my advice during any difficult situations. He bought me gifts, travelled miles for me and wanted to learn from me. We went to galleries and churches together and he would tell strangers in Belgium what I did for a living in a proud way. He said he showed his love in the bedroom and he was always putting me first and was so loving. He would talk about fate, and how he knew I was the one he wanted to marry, and that one day he wanted to write the story of how we got together.

 

Does the love overpower the love for the children? No. And it shouldn't. Is it an impossible situation? Yes. As I've said before, every single obstacle that could possibly be there was there - geography, languages, marriage, children, a girlfriend, homes, finances, backgrounds, friends, family, our jobs. And he has a lot of problems from his childhood that don't help either.

 

He got carried away. We both did. We were destructive. But it IS possible for people to fall in love while both with other people. I'm sure it happens the world over. It doesn't make it right. It is selfish. It is toxic. It is a recipe for disaster, unhappiness and hurt for so many people, including the children.

 

He wanted to keep in contact and still talk but I couldn't see how that could end happily. That's why I said it was over. I was never once playing a 'game'. That would be sadistic.

 

Anyway, I think I will leave this forum. I get enough tough love from the people in my life who know about the A. It was Jenkins95's supportive posts that made me feel stronger, like I could go on. I have to thank you for that Jenkins. You were a light at the end of a dark tunnel.

 

I'm not here to have my thoughts belittled. I am not stupid, I was not misled and I recognised his feelings as genuine (if he posted about me I'm sure everyone else would be saying he was misled). He wasn't. Either way, it doesn't matter. I made a mistake and I am paying for it now. But the tough love is just not helpful so I think it's best if I depart and leave the negativity behind.

 

Thank you again Jenkins95, you are such a wonderful human being.

[jenkins95]

This is very interesting DKT3 and I always welcome opinion on my own story, even though the A finished two years ago. I don't have time to write now, but I will read this a few times, think about it and come back to post tomorrow.

 

Thanks DKT3

[DKT3]

I am certain it was love between us. You can't possibly know what takes place between two people. The way he looked at me, spoke to me, held me. The way he cared about my passions, work, family. He wanted to talk to everybody he could about me (which nearly got him caught out). He wanted to be next to me at every opportunity. He would spend so long staring at me, admiring me in a very intense way. He wanted to meet my mother, wanted to meet everyone that was important to me and introduced me to his brother. He said he was haunted by the times he'd hurt me and that they replayed in his mind and that's why he tried to keep away from me during the 5 weeks. He was nearly in tears when I ended it that first time. He told me his deepest secrets and sought my advice during any difficult situations. He bought me gifts, travelled miles for me and wanted to learn from me. We went to galleries and churches together and he would tell strangers in Belgium what I did for a living in a proud way. He said he showed his love in the bedroom and he was always putting me first and was so loving. He would talk about fate, and how he knew I was the one he wanted to marry, and that one day he wanted to write the story of how we got together.

 

Does the love overpower the love for the children? No. And it shouldn't. Is it an impossible situation? Yes. As I've said before, every single obstacle that could possibly be there was there - geography, languages, marriage, children, a girlfriend, homes, finances, backgrounds, friends, family, our jobs. And he has a lot of problems from his childhood that don't help either.

 

He got carried away. We both did. We were destructive. But it IS possible for people to fall in love while both with other people. I'm sure it happens the world over. It doesn't make it right. It is selfish. It is toxic. It is a recipe for disaster, unhappiness and hurt for so many people, including the children.

 

He wanted to keep in contact and still talk but I couldn't see how that could end happily. That's why I said it was over. I was never once playing a 'game'. That would be sadistic.

 

Anyway, I think I will leave this forum. I get enough tough love from the people in my life who know about the A. It was Jenkins95's supportive posts that made me feel stronger, like I could go on. I have to thank you for that Jenkins. You were a light at the end of a dark tunnel.

 

I'm not here to have my thoughts belittled. I am not stupid, I was not misled and I recognised his feelings as genuine (if he posted about me I'm sure everyone else would be saying he was misled). He wasn't. Either way, it doesn't matter. I made a mistake and I am paying for it now. But the tough love is just not helpful so I think it's best if I depart and leave the negativity behind.

 

Thank you again Jenkins95, you are such a wonderful human being.

 

No one is trying to run you off...I would suggest that you read thread of long time WWs here. They all seem to follow very closely to one another.

 

I pointed out Jenkins because here is a case of how a man acts when he cares about a woman but knows a relationship is impossible. Honest to the point and not trying to keep her engaged. True love is wanting what's best for someone, not wanting what's best for you out of them.

[lostintheuk]

And if I could flick a switch, or erase Belgian man from my memory, I would. It is very hard to immediately turn all your thoughts to your M when you are reeling from an experience which turns your life upside down, even if it is of your own making.

 

Once he fades into a distant memory hopefully I will be able to see the hopelessness of the situation with more clarity.

 

All I can say is, luckily, like Jenkins I have a very kind and adoring husband. Our M clearly has problems, but I owe it to him to try and repair the damage. Hopefully he will address his problems too and we can learn to communicate better in the future.

[elaine567]

And if I could flick a switch, or erase Belgian man from my memory, I would. It is very hard to immediately turn all your thoughts to your M when you are reeling from an experience which turns your life upside down, even if it is of your own making.

 

This may help.

Honestly, this man is the most troubled man I have ever encountered. I naively thought that by loving and accepting him, I could help him. But this man needs a LOT of help from a professional, which he will never seek because he views that kind of thing as 'weak'. This is man who nearly ran over a man in his coach for giving him a parking ticket and is still waiting to hear whether he's going to lose his job over it (the job he loved). This is a man who drink drives regularly (again, stupid considering his job as a coach driver and how quickly he would lose this), drinks too much in general, has a terrible temper, thinks EVERYONE is out to hurt him, is tight with his money and is rude. This is a man who said if someone does ONE thing wrong, he will never forgive them. This is a man who said he NEVER lets someone tell him what to do and that he will just do what he wants, even if that hurts someone else. He also said he would never make me a hot drink in the morning because I could do it myself and that I would start to expect it if he started doing that.

[jenkins95]

And if I could flick a switch, or erase Belgian man from my memory, I would. It is very hard to immediately turn all your thoughts to your M when you are reeling from an experience which turns your life upside down, even if it is of your own making.

 

Once he fades into a distant memory hopefully I will be able to see the hopelessness of the situation with more clarity.

 

All I can say is, luckily, like Jenkins I have a very kind and adoring husband. Our M clearly has problems, but I owe it to him to try and repair the damage. Hopefully he will address his problems too and we can learn to communicate better in the future.

 

(((lost))) please don't leave LS forever.

 

It's obvious that you are heartbroken and very vulnerable. As DTK3 says, I was in a very similar position to you, impossibility and all, and I do understand and feel your pain. I want to continue to help you. Stay with us...

 

I don't have time to write much now, but I'll be back tomorrow. Please join me.

 

Thank you so much for the nice things you've said. I think you're lovely too, just very.... well....lost! As I've been there too.

 

We can help you find yourself again. I guess when you're 'foundintheuk', you won't have much need for ls anymore.... Add that is our aim!

 

Keep posting.... Please x

[lostintheuk]

Yes, he's a complete idiot. He makes bad decisions and is damaged. It doesn't mean he's not capable of love. It doesn't mean he was never kind or loving. People are complex, not black and white. He wasn't ALL bad, or ALL good. Just like me. And you.

[lostintheuk]

Thank you Jenkins. You are so kind and helpful. I'm finding some of the people on here very critical. And it makes me feel worse and pulling me down. The situation is not straightforward. Feelings are complex things.

 

I will try to focus on your kind words.

[somanymistakes]

I agree that people are complex and no one is all bad or all good.

 

As best I recall/understand, he didn't set out to take advantage of you. He wasn't scheming like some. He wanted what he wanted in the moment. He cared for you. But he is not a good partner for you and I don't think he ever will be. I don't think you can be the one to save him.

 

I hope you find happier feelings.

[BluesPower]

I am certain it was love between us. You can't possibly know what takes place between two people. The way he looked at me, spoke to me, held me. The way he cared about my passions, work, family. He wanted to talk to everybody he could about me (which nearly got him caught out). He wanted to be next to me at every opportunity. He would spend so long staring at me, admiring me in a very intense way. He wanted to meet my mother, wanted to meet everyone that was important to me and introduced me to his brother. He said he was haunted by the times he'd hurt me and that they replayed in his mind and that's why he tried to keep away from me during the 5 weeks. He was nearly in tears when I ended it that first time. He told me his deepest secrets and sought my advice during any difficult situations. He bought me gifts, travelled miles for me and wanted to learn from me. We went to galleries and churches together and he would tell strangers in Belgium what I did for a living in a proud way. He said he showed his love in the bedroom and he was always putting me first and was so loving. He would talk about fate, and how he knew I was the one he wanted to marry, and that one day he wanted to write the story of how we got together.

 

Does the love overpower the love for the children? No. And it shouldn't. Is it an impossible situation? Yes. As I've said before, every single obstacle that could possibly be there was there - geography, languages, marriage, children, a girlfriend, homes, finances, backgrounds, friends, family, our jobs. And he has a lot of problems from his childhood that don't help either.

 

He got carried away. We both did. We were destructive. But it IS possible for people to fall in love while both with other people. I'm sure it happens the world over. It doesn't make it right. It is selfish. It is toxic. It is a recipe for disaster, unhappiness and hurt for so many people, including the children.

 

He wanted to keep in contact and still talk but I couldn't see how that could end happily. That's why I said it was over. I was never once playing a 'game'. That would be sadistic.

 

Anyway, I think I will leave this forum. I get enough tough love from the people in my life who know about the A. It was Jenkins95's supportive posts that made me feel stronger, like I could go on. I have to thank you for that Jenkins. You were a light at the end of a dark tunnel.

 

I'm not here to have my thoughts belittled. I am not stupid, I was not misled and I recognised his feelings as genuine (if he posted about me I'm sure everyone else would be saying he was misled). He wasn't. Either way, it doesn't matter. I made a mistake and I am paying for it now. But the tough love is just not helpful so I think it's best if I depart and leave the negativity behind.

 

Thank you again Jenkins95, you are such a wonderful human being.

 

I was going to leave this alone... But I just can't.

 

Lost, I know that you think that some here are being mean or way to harsh, and I get that.

 

Let me help you understand some things, from a MM's perspective.

 

I don't doubt for a second that your MM had some real feelings for you. And I do not doubt that you truly loved him.

 

I have had a lot of women love me, why I do not know, but that is the case. I liked all of them and I loved some of them.

 

At your young age, and yes you are young, it is difficult to separate love, infatuation, great sex and all the rest.

 

In your heart you feel an undying, everlasting love for this man. But you know what, he may love you, OK, but not enough to leave his children. He has probably had many affairs.

 

If it was the be all end all love that we all dream about, he would have left her for you, it really is that simple. Hard to accept but that simple all the same.

 

In fact, most but not all MM will not leave their children, and I am not sure you would want the one that did.

 

Here is the bottom line, at the end of the day it does not matter. He will not leave, love or no love on his part, it does not matter.

 

Your choices as I see it are 1) get hubby to take care of you in the bed room and try to fall in love with him again, or 2) divorce and find someone new. Either way it won't be the OM...