Young, lost and probably very foolish - is this over?

[anika99]

Based on your recent description of yourself and of him, he didn't love you and you didn't love him. You were both in love with how you made each other feel about yourselves. You were both madly in love....with yourselves. And now his rejection is nothing more than a huge blow to your ego.

[lostintheuk]

I did love him. I'm just trying to detach, because I don't know what else to do! How else to get over him.

 

When I was with him I tried to build him up, and help him to realise that he was wonderful and deserving of a good life. I listened to his stories and told him he was loved, because he said he hadn't felt loved growing up. When he drove fast in the car, he said sometimes he didn't care if he died or not. I tried to make him realise that it DID matter if he died, that his life was worth a lot, to everyone around him. Sometimes he would drink drive (never with me). I tried to help him with this too. He said he didn't trust people, because people always let him down. He said he thought I could help him become softer and gentler. I wanted him to realise he could be anything he wanted to be, and that not everyone in this world would try to screw him over.

 

I'm sorry it comes across that I didn't love him, because I did. He was so damaged, but I naively hoped that a woman's love could help.

[anika99]

I did love him. I'm just trying to detach, because I don't know what else to do! How else to get over him.

 

When I was with him I tried to build him up, and help him to realise that he was wonderful and deserving of a good life. I listened to his stories and told him he was loved, because he said he hadn't felt loved growing up. When he drove fast in the car, he said sometimes he didn't care if he died or not. I tried to make him realise that it DID matter if he died, that his life was worth a lot, to everyone around him. Sometimes he would drink drive (never with me). I tried to help him with this too. He said he didn't trust people, because people always let him down. He said he thought I could help him become softer and gentler. I wanted him to realise he could be anything he wanted to be, and that not everyone in this world would try to screw him over.

 

I'm sorry it comes across that I didn't love him, because I did. He was so damaged, but I naively hoped that a woman's love could help.

 

What qualities did he possess that made him lovable to you? The only good things you have said about him revolved around how good he made you feel. Everything else you have said about him has been very negative. He drinks too much, is self destructive, is damaged, has a criminal record, expelled from school and uneducated, he cheats and has a bunch of kids with his fat girlfriend, is completely incompatible with you. You loved how he made you feel but you see actually see very little to nothing admirable about him so I stick by my assertion that you didn't truly love him, it was just all about ego and lust. Even your belief that you were going to help him was still about thinking about how you were so special that you were going to rescue this rather unsavory and broken man.

 

Men with his kind of issues cannot be made healthy through affairs and sex and infatuation. He needs therapy and good caring friends, not a self destructive affair with a woman who is cheating on her husband. You were actually adding more dysfunction into each other lives. If you have a need to help and rescue think about volunteering somewhere to help children or animals. Affairs hurt people they don't help people.

[Steen719]

uk...hopefully, this will come to you. The victims in this scenario are his gf, his kids and your H, not you and the OM. Feel for her and what she has to deal with and your husband, who does not deserve what you have done to him. If you cannot feel empathy, start with compassion for that woman and for your H.

 

Save

Edited August 6, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic content removed ~T

[Origin]

Dear Lost,

 

You truly are lost, confused, unsure on what to do. Reading your very long and emotional reply I can tell how much you're struggling. However, I'm going to ask you to do one thing for yourself. Don't lie to yourself...When you write "idk if I would leave my husband, I needed to buy time"...Honestly I don't believe you, I think if that guy called you today and said "come move and live here with me" you'd be on the next flight to Belgium. To me or anybody on here it doesn't matter if you do one way or other, but don't start lying to yourself. Your post is so emotional it is VERY clear to all of us that you'd leave to be with him in a heartbeat, we've all been in your shoes, we know how it feels.

 

 

You are asking wrong questions here however, "did he love me, is he thinking about me, is it hard for him also". Those are all wrong questions because at the end of the day, he won't leave her, I'm sorry to say it and I know you wanna believe otherwise and how you'll prove us all wrong but it won't happen.

 

 

There is NO DOUBT in my mind that he will reach out to you again. Yes, he does care and love you on some level and he will reach out to get a "fix of the drug", to get the physical contact again so you need to prepare for that and what you will do.

 

I'm telling you right now that your life will be a roller coaster from now on, I can tell, I can tell the way you write, I know exactly how you're gonna cave when he reaches out. You're taking about surprise visiting him so he can see you and so you can "trigger" good memories in him so he can finally see/realize he should be with you (I know, I was there, had the exact same thoughts). You wanna talk so he can laugh with you at your cute British accent(I'm foreign also so I know what you mean by the comment). You're already trying to find some compromise in your mind "oh what if we did this annually", but that's a disaster for you. He still won't be with you, he and you will just drag this out until you get destroyed. He loves you but he doesn't love you like you love him.

 

Two things will happen and you need to decide what choice you want.

 

Choice 1(probably the best choice for you)

 

He will reach out but you need to go ghost mode on him. Block, ignore and do anything not to let him contact you in any way (email, text, Facebook, snapchat, smoke signal, flying pigeon, whatever).

 

Have a conversation with your husband and get a divorce. Go find somebody who will be committed to you, be there for you and can fulfill you sexually and emotionally. Move on and love life.

 

Choice 2(worst choice for you and the one you'll probably pick)

 

He will reach out, you'll cave, think of some compromise so you can get the A started going again. You'll have ups and downs. There will be days where you are sure you'll end up together and then you'll have days where nothing makes sense and you'll be even more lost, you'll find yourself visiting this forum even more often. Eventually your husband will find out and it will all spectacularly blow up in your face and you'll be left alone because no matter what scenario happens... You won't end up with him in a relationship you want or think you'll have with him. Time will pass and one day you'll wake up and realise you just wasted years from your life and it was all for nothing, the heartbreak and everything was for nothing.

 

Go read a story from "what_did_i_do", she wasted 7 years on her A(still reading her story and getting ready to reply) and at the end she's alone now, that guy is still not with her and I'm sure he was selling her the same bs the Belgian guy was selling you.

 

Whatever you decide we will support you but.... Only you can help yourself. At the end of the day our support can only take you so far. Understand that this forum is to help you get over your A, help you cope and understand what happened, help you on how to move on.... However nobody here will give you advice on what to do to continue with your A which you seem you wanna do.

 

I hope I'm wrong but I see myself commenting on your story from now. The way you write.... Your A will restart and with it so will your roller coaster ride.... Welcome aboard?

Edited June 26, 2017 by Origin
Spelling

[What_Did_I_Do]

Dear Lost,

 

You truly are lost, confused, unsure on what to do. Reading your very long and emotional reply I can tell how much you're struggling. However, I'm going to ask you to do one thing for yourself. Don't lie to yourself...When you write "idk if I would leave my husband, I needed to buy time"...Honestly I don't believe you, I think if that guy called you today and said "come move and live here with me" you'd be on the next flight to Belgium. To me or anybody on here it doesn't matter if you do one way or other, but don't start lying to yourself. Your post is so emotional it is VERY clear to all of us that you'd leave to be with him in a heartbeat, we've all been in your shoes, we know how it feels.

 

 

You are asking wrong questions here however, "did he love me, is he thinking about me, is it hard for him also". Those are all wrong questions because at the end of the day, he won't leave her, I'm sorry to say it and I know you wanna believe otherwise and how you'll prove us all wrong but it won't happen.

 

 

There is NO DOUBT in my mind that he will reach out to you again. Yes, he does care and love you on some level and he will reach out to get a "fix of the drug", to get the physical contact again so you need to prepare for that and what you will do.

 

I'm telling you right now that your life will be a roller coaster from now on, I can tell, I can tell the way you write, I know exactly how you're gonna cave when he reaches out. You're taking about surprise visiting him so he can see you and so you can "trigger" good memories in him so he can finally see/realize he should be with you (I know, I was there, had the exact same thoughts). You wanna talk so he can laugh with you at your cute British accent(I'm foreign also so I know what you mean by the comment). You're already trying to find some compromise in your mind "oh what if we did this annually", but that's a disaster for you. He still won't be with you, he and you will just drag this out until you get destroyed. He loves you but he doesn't love you like you love him.

 

Two things will happen and you need to decide what choice you want.

 

Choice 1(probably the best choice for you)

 

He will reach out but you need to go ghost mode on him. Block, ignore and do anything not to let him contact you in any way (email, text, Facebook, snapchat, smoke signal, flying pigeon, whatever).

 

Have a conversation with your husband and get a divorce. Go find somebody who will be committed to you, be there for you and can fulfill you sexually and emotionally. Move on and love life.

 

Choice 2(worst choice for you and the one you'll probably pick)

 

He will reach out, you'll cave, think of some compromise so you can get the A started going again. You'll have ups and downs. There will be days where you are sure you'll end up together and then you'll have days where nothing makes sense and you'll be even more lost, you'll find yourself visiting this forum even more often. Eventually your husband will find out and it will all spectacularly blow up in your face and you'll be left alone because no matter what scenario happens... You won't end up with him in a relationship you want or think you'll have with him. Time will pass and one day you'll wake up and realise you just wasted years from your life and it was all for nothing, the heartbreak and everything was for nothing.

 

Go read a story from "what_did_i_do", she wasted 7 years on her A(still reading her story and getting ready to reply) and at the end she's alone now, that guy is still not with her and I'm sure he was selling her the same bs the Belgian guy was selling you.

 

Whatever you decide we will support you but.... Only you can help yourself. At the end of the day our support can only take you so far. Understand that this forum is to help you get over your A, help you cope and understand what happened, help you on how to move on.... However nobody here will give you advice on what to do to continue with your A which you seem you wanna do.

 

I hope I'm wrong but I see myself commenting on your story from now. The way you write.... Your A will restart and with it so will your roller coaster ride.... Welcome aboard?

 

Yes Lost, please know this. Belgian guy was never going to make of go of it with you. Certainly not with 3 little kids. Heck, my xMM's kids are adults and he still couldn't pull the plug.

 

He waxed poetic and shed crocodile tears for what? Like all the posters advised on my thread, you'd be thankful the two of you never did try to start a legitimate R...never would have worked.

[lostintheuk]

Just thought I'd give you an update. And to say thank you again for all your advice, especially Origin's post which gave me a lot to think about.

 

I'm now Day 10 of NC. The first few days seemed to be ok. I thought of him during every moment of my day, but resisted the urge to contact him. My last message to him was that I was going to disappear, and that I would never answer him or see him again. It was very final. I felt good because I felt like I had ultimately called the shots.

 

Now that 10 days have passed however, I feel a terrible urge to contact him. It's suddenly become more painful. I think because I am losing hope that he will ever reach out to me. Do people really take weeks to reach out?

 

I desperately want closure from this. I know, I know - we make our own closure. We have the power to do that. But it was all left so up in the air and without an ending. I desperately feel I need to see him face-to-face and hear the words 'it's over'. Has anyone else felt this? I actually think if I saw him I might not feel the same anymore, because of all the hurt that has come from this. I think I'm grieving the end of the affair, rather than him so much. Either way it's horribly painful. But I think the affair excitement is lifting and now I just have this awful, unresolved dull ache.

 

I need to see him before I can close the chapter for good. My plan is to wait another 2 weeks, see how I feel then. And then if I still feel the same, I'm going to call and tell him in order to move on I need to be able to have a discussion face-to-face. Ask the questions which need asking. Put it to bed and realise he's not going to leave the children. Hear him say 'it's over'. Has anyone done this? What happened? Did it help put your mind to rest? I know you will probably advise against this. But if I am going to do this, have you got any advice?

[MJJean]

Best advice is DO NOT have sex with him and DO NOT believe a word get says about anything past, present, or future.

[lostintheuk]

Thank you MJJean for your advice. Yes, I will, under no circumstances have sex. That would undo all my days of NC.

[jah526]

Just a fyi from what I've been through. Every time you go back to MM, he thinks "Great! She wants to have sex again!" All the rest is noise.

[anika99]

You are right. He doesn't have any integrity. I am not doing this for his best interest. I need to do this to help move forward. I need to do this so I can figure out what to do regarding my husband. Do you really believe my heart belongs to another man? Isn't this just lust in reality? I need to get closure so I can see clearly. Get clarity and understand how to approach my marriage (whether I go to MC, tell him, bury the secret).

 

I am NOT so weak that I would just go over there and have sex. I understand that would be the absolute worst thing I can do.

 

I have been looking at Belgian man's photograph and I am starting to feel less and less. Sometimes angry. Sometimes disgusted. But it doesn't take away the need to see him and tie up the loose ends.

 

PLEASE stop berating me.

 

But what if he doesn't tell you it's over and help you tie up loose ends? What if he tells you some sad story about how life has just gotten so complicated that he hasn't been able to be in touch but swears up and down that he really does luuuv you and wants to be with you and then when you get home he just goes back to ignoring you? What then?

 

This guy is not going to be straight with you. Going to see him is not going to make him be honest with you. He will either flat out refuse to see you or he will spend your entire visit telling you lies and trying to sweet talk you into having sex with you. He's not going to look you in the eye and tell you the truth, I doubt he spends much time looking anybody in the eye and telling the truth, especially not with women.

 

His words will never give you clarity or closure. His words will only cause more confusion and contradict his actions. However actions speak louder than words and right now his actions are screaming the truth at you. His actions are giving you all the closure and clarity you need. Your just desperately seeking another hit of that feel good drug he gives you and your brain is feeding you ridiculous rationalizations for running of to see him.

[stillafool]

 

I am NOT so weak that I would just go over there and have sex. I understand that would be the absolute worst thing I can do.

 

I have been looking at Belgian man's photograph and I am starting to feel less and less. Sometimes angry. Sometimes disgusted. But it doesn't take away the need to see him and tie up the loose ends.

 

PLEASE stop berating me.

 

But you ARE so weak that you would go over there to see him. Any questions you have for him could be answered by telephone. It does not require a trip to look at his face again. The man has a wife with a newborn and 2 other little kids. Have a heart for someone other than yourself. This man cannot give you closure you have to give that to yourself and the fact that he has a full family and you have a betrayed husband should tell you all you need to know. It was fun for you while it lasted and now MM has made his choice to go home to his family. All of the loose ends that need to be tied up are with your husband. No one here is berating you. You come to a public forum and you will get the truth without the sugar coating.

Edited June 30, 2017 by stillafool

[stillafool]

Just a fyi from what I've been through. Every time you go back to MM, he thinks "Great! She wants to have sex again!" All the rest is noise.

 

Can you blame him? That is what any man would think after he has ghosted a woman and she still travels to see him. What else could she want?

[DKT3]

You don't need closure you already have that, what you need is to see it the situation has changed. Closure is BS, it's just the excuse you are using to maintain some kind of contact. If you do this you WILL be right back to step one neck deep in the affair. Why? You have no boundaries, if you can't hold your promise to not see this r talk to him than you won't hold your word about not sleeping with him.

 

Boundaries, enforce them NOW. This pushing boundaries is how you got here, little by little.

 

We had a poster here that use to always say being better starts with being better.

[elaine567]

Now that 10 days have passed however, I feel a terrible urge to contact him. It's suddenly become more painful. I think because

I am losing hope that he will ever reach out to me.

Do people really take weeks to reach out?

 

 

^^^ This...

[Origin]

Hi lost,

 

What DKT3 wrote is similar what I was going you say. Your last post with "I'm losing hope he will never reach out" is all the evidence that you're still not over the affair and you would like it to continue. As somebody above wrote, your brain is doing everything and anything to rationalize this but this is the worst thing you could do. If you go and see him....You're f'ed, he will then know that he totally owns you and you WILL sleep with him. Stop lying to yourself, that's the worst thing you could do, is lie to yourself.

 

Everybody above wrote pretty much what will happen if you go and see him. He will most likely see you and make up some believable story that you'll fall for and bam just like that, you're back to day 1 except this time you'll be entangled in his web and there won't be a way out. If you go and see him prepare for some dark heartbroken days in front of you.

 

Going today or going in two weeks, no difference if your mind is already made up to go but I strongly recommend you DON'T go, it will F'up your life, you will regret it one day.

 

I don't know who did it but somebody on here made a statement that couldn't be more true and he/she said "new contract means new pain".

Edited June 30, 2017 by Origin

[GollumsNightmare]

It is a simple situation. This boils down to TWO things you need to remember to move on:

 

1. "Closure is BS". (Thanks, DK3). It IS simply utter bull.... It is just an excuse to see him again. Nothing he says or does is going to magically solve all your drama. Move on. MOVE on. "Closure is BS" that will ONLY set you back in your healing.

 

2. "The man has a wife with a newborn and 2 other little kids." (Thanks, Stillafool). This should be your new mantra when you get the urge to contact him in any way. "The man has a wife with a newborn and 2 other little kids." Say it. Out loud. Hear yourself! "The man has a wife with a newborn and 2 other little kids." Does that sound like someone you should waste a moment worrying about? If he can run around with you behind THEIR backs, is he worth even a minute of YOUR time?

[waterwoman]

Please don't see him again. What closure do you need? He has backed off. Take that as your closure. And be grateful no more damage was done. Good luck

[Starswillshine]

When I hear the line "I need closure...." all I hear is... "I am hoping seeing me will make him change his mind and he will dump his wife and be with me."

[knitwit]

OP, I am sorry you are in so much pain. I can feel your hurt and struggle jumping off the pages. I don't often post in this section, but I wanted to reach out to you.

 

I have no doubt that your AP was deeply infatuated with you. Undoubtedly, your AP found you irresistible, very hot, cultured, gorgeous. I believe you 100% when you talk about the off-the-charts chemistry. It was likely a massive feel-good, intoxicating hit to his ego to spend time with you, to be seen with you, to have a beautiful creature desiring him, telling him that he was worthy, that his life was worthwhile, and trying to help him heal from his childhood issues. As good as it felt for you to have his attention, it was likely stronger for him by a big factor. Of course he would become highly infatuated and fall head over heels. You both are topped up with dopamine and feeling crazy about each other. Obviously sex had a big part in it, but the sex added to it, it wasn't the whole story. I believe that.

 

As has been discussed, affairs are a sort of addiction. An alcoholic struggling in the early days usually has a set of beliefs: they believe that life will never be as much fun without alcohol; they believe that the rest of their days are doomed to be dull and gloomy and colorless, and that they will never be free to be their true selves if they can't drink. They think the best part of life is behind them because they can no longer have that which brings them the most joy: alcohol. They are obsessed. Soon, they think, "Well, I have stayed away for a while now. I have proven that I have control. I will test it out by having just one drink and I will be fine. I will put this to rest for once and for all." Soon, they are drunk and are fully back in a relapse.

 

You'd think that it would become easier to get back to sobriety, because they had just been proven wrong and were sick and hungover, lost their money, everyone was mad at them, etc., but in reality it is never easier! It is harder- often much harder- with each relapse. Sometimes it takes years to get back to sobriety, if they ever do, and big chunks of their lives are lost to the addiction.

 

Right now, you are in withdrawal. You did OK for a short time, but like the struggling alcoholic, you still believe that your happiness and joy is with your AP. You can't go for very long without your thoughts returning to him. You believe that you can control yourself because you've abstained for 10 days, and if you get to 30 days, you will be strong enough to have just a hit, to see him and get "closure" and then move on. You are making plans to walk back into the bar.

 

If you see him, it will not be easier to walk away again- it will be harder. You will see him, and you will want him, and you will almost certainly have him. You say that sex won't happen, but at the beginning of the thread you were determined to stay NC. Now you are planning to go see him, unless he reaches out to you first (in which, you'll go see him.) This is the cycle of any addiction. Even if you manage to not have sex, you will have seen him, it will be like a "drink" and it will keep the obsession going all over again. It will set you back to Day 1 of another NC attempt at best; but more likely, it will kick off a full return to the affair, only more entrenched and harder to disengage.

 

There are many posts on LS that offer some possibilities for what went through your MM's mind. Some MM found Loveshack by googling things like Outcomes of an Affair or Chances for Relationships that Started as Affairs. These MMs think about leaving their wives; they want to; sometimes they make plans to do so. They believe they will. But, they most frequently change their mind. It is infuriating for women, but we often see MM who doubt the OW's faithfulness, because she has slept with a MM. And very often, they tend to come to the conclusion that although the OW were awesome and lovely and wonderful people, the MMs really had no business ever getting involved with them. They may care deeply for the OW and even love them, but their ultimate responsibility is with their family.

 

Your affair has these elements:

 

I believe that your AP wished that he could leave his GF and start a new life with you. You make him feel amazing, you're gorgeous, you're great in bed, it would be a great life!

 

I also think he was really struck by your phone call with your H while he was in the room. He saw you lie to your H, the man you pledged to love and honor, while your lover was in the room with you. He saw how you could maintain the façade with your H and it shocked him, even though it is highly hypocritical. He says that you are out of your league and can't believe that someone like you would be with him; but the other side of that coin is, why would someone like you be with someone like him? And is it really wise for him to leave his family for a gorgeous woman who will have many offers from men above his station? Especially a gorgeous woman who will lie to her H and sleep with a man who is below her station? So both men above and below your station will be a threat to him. This is a guy with a lot of baggage, including a hard childhood and some insecurities. He probably would expect to lose you just because it would fit the overall patterns in his life.

 

Finally, with a new baby, I suspect that he is focused on his family. He did call you, but only after drinks and when he was alone in a hotel room. He had a weak moment, and then he tried to slowly to disengage when you tried to get him to have a conversation. Earlier you said that perhaps he preferred his obese GF to you, and honestly, it is probably not that he prefers his fat GF...but that he belongs with his GF and family. That is where his responsibility lies. He has been with his GF his entire adult life. They were teenagers together, they grew up together, they come from the same area, they are probably at the same level, so to speak. They might fight and they might be dysfunctional, but it is their dysfunction and they are a family with young kids.

 

This doesn't meant that he won't try to reach back out to you- you are a massive dopamine hit for him, just as he is for you. But out of the two of you, he has more responsibilities and more people, including small children, who will be devastated by the affair.

 

Please consider what there really is to be gained by breaking NC.

 

I want to wrap up by tying this back to the addiction. Addicts who successfully get into and stay in recovery are able to stay away from their substance until their head clears. At that point, they have a change of mindset. For instance, they see that alcohol did not provide joy, just intoxication. They realize the extent to which they had to manage, plan, and often hide their drinking; it took up their lives. Sober, they are fully present and engaged in their lives. Life is much better, fuller, and enjoyable in a way that wasn't possible when they were drinking. It is a complete 180 to where they were.

 

If you read the threads on this board, you can see fOW/AP/WSs who are essentially in recovery. Their mindsets have changed. They see that the feelings happened, but it was intoxication. They see that they gave up enormous amounts of time, energy, focus, and effort to manage, plan, and hide the affair; it took up their lives, it robbed their marriages and families. Now they are free to focus fully on their lives. Many of them are recovering their marriage; some single APs have moved on to full relationships. Some married WSs gain the strength and clarity to divorce. But in nearly all of the cases, they are no longer romanticizing the affair. They are able to fully and authentically live in a way that was impossible when they were in the affair.

 

And then, sadly, there are APs who are still entangled. They can't maintain NC, and each "hit" of contacts gets them more and more entangled. When they get some NC time, they don't appreciate the danger of breaking it. They can't get out of the affair. Some of them have lost years, a decade or more. It is heartbreaking to see these APs suffer and forego so many of the wonderful events of life. While their friends and colleagues and families are building/living full lives, they are waiting, unable to live freely and publically with the person they love. They try to build their lives and careers but there is a space where the fully engaged and present partner should be. They have to constantly adjust their lives and plans to accommodate their AP's availability. They focus on their AP and remove the possibility of loving another person who could give them so much more. My BFF was in this category for many years, my heart broke for her time and time again. It wrecked her health and even after 10 years she has not fully recovered. She is absolutely gorgeous, with an advanced degree from a top US university. She could no longer work due to her health. Along with her health she took a major hit to her career. She will never get that time back and at the same time, she likely knocked years off her life, so she'll lose time/life in the future as well. It was horrible. She is the reason I am writing this long post. I don't want you to become her.

 

Then, rarely, you see the affairs that become happy public relationships. I have two of these in my family. They had challenges (some of which persist even 20 years on), but in both cases the APs were "in the same league" in looks, economics, social strata, culture, and geography. That kind of success is rare and in your case, with your significant differences, it is unlikely. I am sorry.

 

You're Lost in the UK, so surely you are familiar with the quote from Churchill: "When you're going through Hell, keep going!" You are in the hell of NC- keep going! You have so much going for you in your life; this affair is almost certainly going to be a setback for you. I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I hope you are able to break out now, get out early.

Edited July 1, 2017 by knitwit

[lostintheuk]

Dear knitwit.

 

Thank you so, so much for your kind, considered and wise reply.

 

You have completely hit the nail on the head with regards to how I'm feeling and thinking. It is refreshing to have a stranger write to perceptively. I really can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

 

You are right about how he may worry that he might lose me. I remember him saying he would not be able to keep me because there would be other men after me. You are also right about his insecurities, the fact he can't rely on anyone, and his shared life with his girlfriend.

 

I am so sorry to hear about your friend. I can completely sympathise with her situation because sometimes I feel so stressed that I think it's making me ill too.

 

I will keep returning to read your post to help me through this time. I am going to try to maintain NC, thinking about it as an addiction. I will keep updating until hopefully I am over it.

 

Thank you for the Churchill quote. I will continue to keep that in mind.

 

Sending love to you kind stranger!

[knitwit]

You are so very welcome, Lost. I'm glad you found it helpful. I wish the best for you. Definitely keep posting, keep reading, keep reaching out.

[jenkins95]

Hey (((lost)))

 

I really feel your pain and understand the awful torment you are going through. But please please, try to stick to NC if you possibly can. After all, as you said, you took control, you went NC and you told him that he would never see you again - that took strength and courage and put you in the driving seat. I admire you - well done! If you cave in, amongst other things, he will probably see you as weak and HE will now feel in control again. He may even try to manipulate you.

 

I was an MM in an affair once. I imagine that your xMM's situation may be a little like mine. He had genuine feelings for you, maybe even love, but he also loves his wife/gf and family. As well as his feelings being all over the place, at the end of the A, he is in a very precarious position. He has seen how close he has been to blowing up his life and that of his family and how much he has risked in having the A with you - and your continued prescence (even if he loves you) is a threat to his family life and stability.

 

At the end of my A, the OW came back a few times, and I have to say it messed me up as much as at any time actually during the A. For one thing, I felt terribly guilty and sad to see how messed up the OW was but powerless to help, I felt guilty for the continued contact having recommitted to the marriage, and of course it flared up my own feelings for the OW, which confused me immensely and set back my own recovery and delayed my clarity of mind. I truly wish that, once we'd said goodbye the first time, that we'd truly stayed away permanently from each other. Any further contact was very painful to both of us, set us back further and provided no closure.

 

Also, I have to be brutally honest and say that another thing that I felt when she got back in contact again was fear....I seemed to be staying afloat in my marriage and things were taking a very slow swing back in the right direction again - and suddenly, xOW was back. It brought me out in a panic and I couldn't sleep. During our conversations, I basically told her anything I thought she wanted to hear (except that I was leaving my M) to minimise the chances that she would go psycho on me because I was scared. None of this changes the fact that I had genuine feelings for her - but I'd chosen my path, and she was now an obstacle on that path, as cruel as that sounds. So you see, even if you did have "that conversation", you couldn't be sure that you would be getting the truth out of him or just words to placate you.

 

Please, please stay strong and maintain NC lost. I'm sure he cares for you a great deal and will never forget you, but he has chosen his wife and family. To be honest, with the physical distance between you and considering the age of the children, it is a very understandable decision. Do consider that, had he chosen you, your life would have become extremely complicated and you are likely to have made several enemies. Not a great start to a relationship.

 

I know that lost love is one of the most painful things in the world to suffer, but ride this out, get past it...you can do it - so many people on LS are doing and have done this. Stay resolute and determined. Then you can see if there's anything left in your own marriage and how you are going to tackle that going forward.

 

Please keep posting - we are here for you. x

Edited July 3, 2017 by jenkins95

[lostintheuk]

Just a little update. I've done just over a month of no contact. You'll be pleased that I haven't tried to go to Belgium either - I took your advice.

 

I've noticed that it's getting harder. I did expect him to contact me, and he hasn't. That hurts so badly, even though I told him I would never answer him or talk to him again. He is very stubborn and strong of mind so in a way it doesn't surprise me. Although I thought he might cave when drinking.

 

Is it just me going through this agonising pain? Is it possible he still hurts too? Misses me? Does the fact that he hasn't reached out in over a month mean that he never will again? Do people still go on caring about someone for weeks? Months? I still wish (wrongly) with every fibre of my being that he will call me and tell me he still loves me. Yes, I know that's wrong, but I just need to air my dark thoughts.

 

I've had some great work news during the month, yet I can't seem to be happy about anything. I feel 'stuck' in life...

[BluesPower]

Just a little update. I've done just over a month of no contact. You'll be pleased that I haven't tried to go to Belgium either - I took your advice.

 

I've noticed that it's getting harder. I did expect him to contact me, and he hasn't. That hurts so badly, even though I told him I would never answer him or talk to him again. He is very stubborn and strong of mind so in a way it doesn't surprise me. Although I thought he might cave when drinking.

 

Is it just me going through this agonising pain? Is it possible he still hurts too? Misses me? Does the fact that he hasn't reached out in over a month mean that he never will again? Do people still go on caring about someone for weeks? Months? I still wish (wrongly) with every fibre of my being that he will call me and tell me he still loves me. Yes, I know that's wrong, but I just need to air my dark thoughts.

 

I've had some great work news during the month, yet I can't seem to be happy about anything. I feel 'stuck' in life...

 

Good for you...Overall...

 

Listen, EVERYONE goes through this at one time or another. Everyone.

 

You have done well with the no contact. I don't know if I should tell you this or if it helps or hurts... But yes he thinks about you and who can say if he was a "in love" as you were.

 

Sometimes it is a fling for married guys/taken guys and sometimes it is not.

 

But it really does not help for you to dwell on it, the facts are that it is very hard for any man to leave his children and move over to the mistress.

 

So, if he loves you or not, it really does not matter at the end of the day, he will not leave.

 

What about the rest of your life and other relationship, what is that status???