karalee967 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 I'm 33 and my husband is 32. We dated for two years before we got married two months ago. When we had been dating for only two months, he accidentally came inside of me, loved it, and even though I took the emergency contraceptive pill, he kept talking excitedly about me getting me pregnant. Though it freaked me out a little, it awoke my desire to be a mother someday, with him as the father. He was the one! He came inside many times after that, but only right before my period. Something I had never done with anyone. What I nver felt with my ex husband, who never came inside, I felt with him. I just didn't want to have it outside of wedlock and in the situation I was in at the time (still married to someone else, living in a studio, and I didn't want to have a shotgun wedding). I wanted everything to be in order before we even consider thinking about that. Now that we're married and living together, I told him I'd love his baby and that if i were to get pregnant, I'd love to have it (had to have that talk with him to let him know I'm no longer scared since the conditions are right--- especially compared to before). Well, now he tells me he wants to wait because he wants us to travel first. He wants us to save to go to Europe next year, then start thinking about having kids. It may not sound irrational, but consider two things: that in my mind I've been preparing for what I thought he wanted with for the past two years.... and that at my age (33) every year-- hell, ever month-- is a time unit of declined fertility. I tried asking him why the change, and he says he just always wanted to travel but didn't have anyone to go with, and now that he has me, he wants to do that. Okay, did he not consider back then when he gave me baby fever? I want to travel too and would love Europe, but the change hurts a little. Also, with him, sometimes our long term plans end up in the air because he's a spontaneously, spur of the moment guy. My ex husband didn't want kids either, and back then I didn't care. Now I'm stuck with a guy who will make me wait until who knows if I'll be able to conceive so easily. Guys can have kids until their 70s so he has all the time in the world if he wanted that down the road, but not the same for us. How do I deal? I'm having a hard time with this. I wish I had the self control to not talk about this until next April to see if he really sticks to his goal of saving for that trip (a lot of our long term plans don't happen because he likes to do things in the spur of the moment), but the way I'm feeling, I'm having a hard time not complaining right now. What would you do? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 I think you have a few years before you may have any real issues with fertility, but of course you won't know unless you try. I suggest you negotiate a compromise with him, and make an agreement. You will both work towards the European trip he wants next year - and you will probably enjoy it and have some wonderful memories doing so together. Within a few months of returning, he agrees to actively support and participate in having a child with you. If he can't willingly agree to this, or puts too many conditions on it, then it may be best to divorce him ASAP and look for someone else who does want kids. You may not find anyone to have them with any sooner than if you wait, but at least you will be taking action to create the outcome you want, whether it works out or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 IDK, everyone's different. Plenty of folks these days have successful pregnancies later in life, even first ones. The important part is teamwork. Successful teamwork depends on communication and compromise. Do you see any middle ground on this? IMO, time is one area of compromise, in that you can do 'couple' things for a set time prior to working on a family, presuming that's the decision. Myself, ages ago, I was the result of a first late pregnancy for a couple who got married then did 'couple' things for about six years as married, then made the move to 'family' stuff. When I was born, my mom was 37 and dad was 43. Still around and healthy nearly 60 years later. Now, I waited too long or something else went wrong since my exW and I tried to get pregnant in our 40's and failed. So there's that. Life offers but one guarantee; we all die. Everything else is subject to the vagaries of living. Welcome to LS 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 I don't think the difference between trying to have a baby at 33 vs. say 35 is going to be all that big. I would try to make sure that he actually wants to have kids though. When women say they want kids someday, they usually mean, that they for sure want kids, but they don't want them yet. When men say they want kids someday they often mean they have no desire whatsoever to have kids, but think that one day they magically will. Except that magic rarely happens. Make a plan with him, book a couple of trips, with the plan to have kids right after. If he is hesitant you know what the reality is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 It's important for a couple to be on the same page about important issues. I suppose your husband wants to travel before he loses most of his freedom to fatherhood. Just tell your husband how you feel in a non confrontational way. I'm sure you and he can compromise. It's still possible to have a healthy pregnancy and child at age 35 and beyond though the risks certainly go up...especially when you're over 40. Link to post Share on other sites
niji Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 (edited) How long do you both plan to travel for? Unless you work from home/self-employed, most people can't take more than 3 weeks off from work (at least that's how it is in the US). It doesn't take too much money to travel Europe; if you look in advance, flights are ~$800 - $1000, lodging on average $100/day (though I normally spend way less than that, probably averaging $70), and then food/miscellaneous. You could have a nice 2-week vacation for ~$4000 for 2 people, assuming you don't want to stay in 5-star hotels all the time. In my opinion there's no reason to go to Europe to stay in 5-star hotels, because I'm not flying for 10 hrs + just to stay in a nice hotel room. My point is, it shouldn't take too much time to save up; traveling these days is awfully easy and cheap with the Internet. To give you an idea, it cost us more to travel to the East Coast (with lodging/food) than it did to Japan (which is by no mean a "cheap" country; even with the fall of the yen, it's still almost as expensive as most of Western Europe). I'm a new grad working full-time, and I travel outside of North America every year for 2 weeks. I have a saving account dedicated to travel, and put aside some of my paycheck every month to fund it; that way when it's time to fund my trave, I have no worries. Like your husband, I also want to travel before having kids (I'm slightly younger than you but not by much). You can easily achieve both. But like other posters said, you need to set a deadline - by year xxxx, we need to conceive. If he doesn't firmly agree to it, then you need to have a serious talk. Just understand that if he brings up "because of travel" again, it really isn't. Traveling is so easy, flexible, and shouldn't hinder your plan of having kids. Edited June 22, 2017 by niji Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Another fun idea is having a memorable story about 'conception' in some far-flung and exotic locale when both partners find themselves on the same page about starting a family. Work both ideas into the milieu. If stories I heard were to be believed, I was conceived in a cheap motel somewhere in British Columbia. Ah, those were the 50's. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 (edited) You do realize that the biggest hurdle you are facing currently is your financial situation and the man you are with? Even notwithstanding the whole affair thing that both of you were equally culpable for (and him wanting to ejaculate in you while you were married to someone else! ), you mentioned yourself that he's impulsive and bad with finances. I hate to break this to you, but a baby is a helluva lot more expensive than a trip to Europe, and the expense remains for 18 years. If he can't even save up for a trip that he really wants, how will the two of you ever have the money to raise a child? Anyway, to answer your question, there isn't a terribly big difference between conceiving at 30 and 35 (75% chance vs 66% chance). The odds do go down quite a bit starting from 35 though. But if you're 100% sure you want a baby and that you can afford to take care of a child, it never hurts to start soon. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_and_female_fertility Edited June 22, 2017 by Elswyth 5 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Another fun idea is having a memorable story about 'conception' in some far-flung and exotic locale when both partners find themselves on the same page about starting a family. Work both ideas into the milieu. If stories I heard were to be believed, I was conceived in a cheap motel somewhere in British Columbia. Ah, those were the 50's. My ex and I used to call one of our children "the hot tub baby" lol OP, I can understand why you feel the way you do. You thought "hey great! Now I can have a baby!" He thought "hey great! Now I have a traveling companion!" But they aren't mutually exclusive. I like what someone else said about planning for next year. Get some books, go on some blogs. Make it a together thing to plan the dream vacation for maybe this time next year. Then you'll still only be 34, and you can start trying. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 RELAX. Plenty of women having their babies after 35. My sister in law had her first child at 36 with no difficulties, she is now thinking of having her second one 42. Go travel with your husband then make babies when you come back. You'll have trip memories to share for a life time. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Age wise you're fine. Length of relationship wise, personally I would wait. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Many men get excited by the bareback sex and the thought of making a woman pregnant but it is mostly a sexual "turn on" thing and it is not anything to do with really making babies. It is also something some men say to trap a woman, "He must really think a lot of me to think of having babies with me", but it just a trick usually to get sex or to string a woman along or to get closer to a woman. This early "wanna make a baby" talk is often a big red flag. Many women who fall for this end up getting an abortion as the prospective "baby daddy" just doesn't want to know once she is actually pregnant. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/624500-ow-almost-2-years-now-pregnant-terrified So whilst this all triggered you into thinking about babies, babies are obviously not on his mind just now and I hate to say it maybe not at all. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Even notwithstanding the whole affair thing that both of you were equally culpable for (and him wanting to ejaculate in you while you were married to someone else! ) I don't get that she had an affair? It sounds like she was separated and living in her own place? I don't understand the dating while separated=affair bandwagon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Dating while actually separated isn't really an affair, but it may potentially point to some judgment issues. If you weren't seeing each other before the separation, there's the suggestion that the separated person might be rushing into a rebound relationship rather than taking time to reassess themselves and get their head together. And considering the number of times that 'separations' are a lie or turn into reconciliations, it's a very risky thing for the outside partner to get involved in. Which makes sense, since there are tons of other hints in this story about both of them being very impulsive and having trouble sticking to long-term plans. (she says she wishes she had more self control, and he likes to do things in the heat of the moment) Now does not sound like a good time for a baby... please don't panic and rush into trying to have one. Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Pregnant women can travel. Young families can travel. It happens every day. Having a baby and traveling are not mutually exclusive. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Pregnant women can travel. Young families can travel. It happens every day. Having a baby and traveling are not mutually exclusive. Sure you can... would I recommend travelling with really young kids to Europe, unless it was to see relatives? No, probably not. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Well... the biology doesn't lie. At 30-35 fertility steadily declines and then at 35 it starts declining rapidly. The probability to get a baby with a genetic disorder ramps up at 35 and skyrockets after 40. [The old wives tales for women with healthy offspring late in life ... it may happen but you're tossing dices. It is statistics]. On the other side - Europe will still be there in the years to come - you can go with your kids, or when your kids leave the house down the line. You get what I'm saying. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Sure you can... would I recommend travelling with really young kids to Europe, unless it was to see relatives? No, probably not. Why not? Europe for the most part is super easy to travel around. Let say it is easier for me to fly to Paris from Boston than let say to Seattle. It is not like they aspired to live in a tent in Africa. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Pregnant women can travel. Young families can travel. It happens every day. Having a baby and traveling are not mutually exclusive. I agree with this. However, I think the OP's husband is concerned about having money to travel if they have a child since children are very expensive. My husband and I are going to Europe in the fall. I will be starting riding lessons in the winter. We couldn't afford either of those indulgences if we had kids. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 I agree with this. However, I think the OP's husband is concerned about having money to travel if they have a child since children are very expensive. My husband and I are going to Europe in the fall. I will be starting riding lessons in the winter. We couldn't afford either of those indulgences if we had kids. Prioritize. Traveling was important to my father. He wanted to expose his kids to different cultural experiences from a young age. So, my parents sacrificed in other areas. And we traveled every year. With SIX kids. I have memories and experiences that I'll never forget because it was important to my father. If you want something bad enough, then you can make it happen. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Well... the biology doesn't lie. At 30-35 fertility steadily declines and then at 35 it starts declining rapidly. The probability to get a baby with a genetic disorder ramps up at 35 and skyrockets after 40. [The old wives tales for women with healthy offspring late in life ... it may happen but you're tossing dices. It is statistics]. I tend to agree. Ok if everything goes well and you easily conceive, have great uncomplicated pregnancies and you end up in a few years with babies, but if there are problems with infertility or miscarriages or carrying babies to term, then it could be years before you even get onto the first rung of the ladder. Before you know it, you could be 36+ and still no babies. If you were in your late twenties I would say carry on spend the money, go off to Europe and postpone having children, but you are 33, so you cannot afford to waste any more time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 22, 2017 Share Posted June 22, 2017 Some anecdotes from me: 20 years ago, we decided to skip Europe and have a child while we were still young (I was 29 when we had our first). We figured we could do Europe when the kids were older. I conceived easily. As it turned out, our eldest has significant disabilities and we really can't see how we can get to Europe now. Had I postponed children to travel more, I would have then found that I went into menopause very early. I had stopped ovulating at about 37 and was in full menopause by 44. If I had a do over, I'd probably have found a way to travel without postponing kids. As someone else suggested, fall pregnant with a Europe baby. Link to post Share on other sites
Author karalee967 Posted June 22, 2017 Author Share Posted June 22, 2017 Many men get excited by the bareback sex and the thought of making a woman pregnant but it is mostly a sexual "turn on" thing and it is not anything to do with really making babies. It is also something some men say to trap a woman, "He must really think a lot of me to think of having babies with me", but it just a trick usually to get sex or to string a woman along or to get closer to a woman. This early "wanna make a baby" talk is often a big red flag. Many women who fall for this end up getting an abortion as the prospective "baby daddy" just doesn't want to know once she is actually pregnant. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/624500-ow-almost-2-years-now-pregnant-terrified So whilst this all triggered you into thinking about babies, babies are obviously not on his mind just now and I hate to say it maybe not at all. Yes, this was exactly my analysis of the situation two years ago, which is why I did not let it happen as strongly as I felt under that spell of our new love. Even then, I was able to recognize that one feels and says all kinds of crazy things in the honeymoon stage. My worst fear was letting him get me pregnant, for us only to end in a few months, or even stay together but never solidify with marriage. But the opposite happened-- lol-- we got married and he wants a lifetime, but now wavers about babies. I am excited about Europe, though, but I'll keep reminding him that that's our goal. In fact, he says he will give me the money to save because he knows I'm better at saving than he is lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author karalee967 Posted June 22, 2017 Author Share Posted June 22, 2017 RELAX. Plenty of women having their babies after 35. My sister in law had her first child at 36 with no difficulties, she is now thinking of having her second one 42. Go travel with your husband then make babies when you come back. You'll have trip memories to share for a life time. You're right! I used to feel the exact same way, but my mom keeps telling me I'm already too old and that I should hurry up because it's not good to have them too old (says the woman who had me at 19). Link to post Share on other sites
Author karalee967 Posted June 22, 2017 Author Share Posted June 22, 2017 How long do you both plan to travel for? Unless you work from home/self-employed, most people can't take more than 3 weeks off from work (at least that's how it is in the US). It doesn't take too much money to travel Europe; if you look in advance, flights are ~$800 - $1000, lodging on average $100/day (though I normally spend way less than that, probably averaging $70), and then food/miscellaneous. You could have a nice 2-week vacation for ~$4000 for 2 people, assuming you don't want to stay in 5-star hotels all the time. In my opinion there's no reason to go to Europe to stay in 5-star hotels, because I'm not flying for 10 hrs + just to stay in a nice hotel room. My point is, it shouldn't take too much time to save up; traveling these days is awfully easy and cheap with the Internet. To give you an idea, it cost us more to travel to the East Coast (with lodging/food) than it did to Japan (which is by no mean a "cheap" country; even with the fall of the yen, it's still almost as expensive as most of Western Europe). I'm a new grad working full-time, and I travel outside of North America every year for 2 weeks. I have a saving account dedicated to travel, and put aside some of my paycheck every month to fund it; that way when it's time to fund my trave, I have no worries. Like your husband, I also want to travel before having kids (I'm slightly younger than you but not by much). You can easily achieve both. But like other posters said, you need to set a deadline - by year xxxx, we need to conceive. If he doesn't firmly agree to it, then you need to have a serious talk. Just understand that if he brings up "because of travel" again, it really isn't. Traveling is so easy, flexible, and shouldn't hinder your plan of having kids. He wants to do one of those 10-day guided tours that go through a few countries. He wants to start saving in two months when he's done paying his credit card. He's seen how good I am at saving and expresses that he wishes he was like me. He will give me the money each paycheck to save for him (I've managed his funds before at his request, lol). He was looking at doing it in the winter but since it might be too cold, we're looking at April, our anniversary month. I already told him fine, but that we should make the most of our baby free time. We HAVE to take a small trip this summer (like Baja or Catalina, were from Cali), and lots of sex, which sadly he doesn't give as much Link to post Share on other sites
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