Am I running out of time for a baby?

[BaileyB]

If I was your age and I really wanted a baby, I wouldn't want to put it off for too much longer. Fertility declines and pregnancies are higher risk after age 35. I know women who have put it off thinking they have time, only to have difficulty conceiving which puts their dream of having a family at risk.

 

But, of course, it takes two to tango... It is a life changing decision and you want your partner to be on board before you get pregnant.

Edited June 23, 2017 by BaileyB

[lana-banana]

Why is everyone in this thread acting like genetic testing and fertility workups don't exist? You can go to your doctor and get a full workup of your reproductive system. It can't tell you with 100% certainty about your ability to conceive, of course, but it will spot any major problems that could interfere with having children. You can also request genetic testing to see if either of you carry dangerous hereditary diseases.

 

Honestly, I would go to Europe for a while. Traveling with young children is doable but it isn't easy. If your doctors say you're perfectly healthy now, it's unlikely that you'd magically become infertile by 35. My mother had me at 40 and I turned out okay. Maybe not normal, but okay.

 

On the flip side of the coin, I had regular fertility workups in my 20s (as part of other medical conditions) and learned that I at 25 was less fertile than many significantly older women, just because of my health issues. Having kids has never been a priority for me but it was good to know that any planned pregnancy would be a complicated, possibly dangerous affair.

[dichotomy]

Why not treat Europe as both his big trip and a conception destination? Very romantic - doing it like bunnies in Paris or something. Heck plan the exact time for when your most fertile to be there;)

 

oh and we had our last child at 42 but we also had to go assisted/high tech route but the upside was genetic purity of the child and gender choice.

[No_Go]

D-rs can assess egg quantity (e.g. measuring anti-mullerian hormone), but how to assess egg quality?

 

To my knowledge no simple fertility test can address this. It can give an estimate of fertility based on egg quantity (ovarian reserve) and anatomical integrity of the reproductive system, but where I'm getting cold chills is the chance of genetic disorders. They can test are you a carrier (looking at your own genome in your somatic cells) but can't tell are there spontaneous mutations in each egg that could get fertilized eventually.

 

Am I missing something here? (haha I hope so because getting old for reproduction as well, 32 already)

 

Also, before she tries she doesn't know what eventual major delays can be. In my personal case it turned I have non-reproductive issue (clotting disorder) that can kill future embryos unless addressed. I didn't know until few months ago when it was diagnosed randomly. I wouldn't have tested for clotting issues just because of pregnancy intent... and it could have easily eaten up a few years of my reproductive time. That's why most people are telling OP to avoid postponing, so many factors can interfere and her age is already advanced.

 

Why is everyone in this thread acting like genetic testing and fertility workups don't exist? You can go to your doctor and get a full workup of your reproductive system. It can't tell you with 100% certainty about your ability to conceive, of course, but it will spot any major problems that could interfere with having children. You can also request genetic testing to see if either of you carry dangerous hereditary diseases.

 

Honestly, I would go to Europe for a while. Traveling with young children is doable but it isn't easy. If your doctors say you're perfectly healthy now, it's unlikely that you'd magically become infertile by 35. My mother had me at 40 and I turned out okay. Maybe not normal, but okay.

 

On the flip side of the coin, I had regular fertility workups in my 20s (as part of other medical conditions) and learned that I at 25 was less fertile than many significantly older women, just because of my health issues. Having kids has never been a priority for me but it was good to know that any planned pregnancy would be a complicated, possibly dangerous affair.

[No_Go]

Oh, btw OP would be a great candidate for egg freezing. It easily buys you a decade (only issue is the cost... if you can save for both this and travel, all is great, problem solved).

[dichotomy]

D-rs can assess egg quantity (e.g. measuring anti-mullerian hormone), but how to assess egg quality?

 

To my knowledge no simple fertility test can address this. It can give an estimate of fertility based on egg quantity (ovarian reserve) and anatomical integrity of the reproductive system, but where I'm getting cold chills is the chance of genetic disorders. They can test are you a carrier (looking at your own genome in your somatic cells) but can't tell are there spontaneous mutations in each egg that could get fertilized eventually.

 

Am I missing something here? (haha I hope so because getting old for reproduction as well, 32 already)

 

 

We were a bit on the cutting edge - and it cost bucks - but we had IVF and pre genetic testing done on the embryos before implanted. No mutations no defects selected. Near zero chance for downs syndrome or other similar issues, also helps reduce miscarriages. You can (if desired) pre select the genders of whats implanted (we did not discriminate on gender only quality). But this is an extreme - but not uncommon for older conceptions - a number of older celebrities have gone this way. We had friends - a much younger couple who conceived this way (IVF and PGS) after many miscarriages.

[No_Go]

Ha - good point - you can screen embryos if you go for the IVF route. Out of curiosity - want is the cost per embryo and can this be partially insurance covered?

 

We were a bit on the cutting edge - and it cost bucks - but we had IVF and pre genetic testing done on the embryos before implanted. No mutations no defects selected. Near zero chance for downs syndrome or other similar issues, also helps reduce miscarriages. You can (if desired) pre select the genders of whats implanted (we did not discriminate on gender only quality). But this is an extreme - but not uncommon for older conceptions - a number of older celebrities have gone this way. We had friends - a much younger couple who conceived this way (IVF and PGS) after many miscarriages.

[dichotomy]

Ha - good point - you can screen embryos if you go for the IVF route. Out of curiosity - want is the cost per embryo and can this be partially insurance covered?

 

From several years ago (costs have likely gone up)

 

Depending on your state (if your USA) and insurance - IVF may be covered. Thats the BIG cost - ours was covered and was like 30-40K a cycle of IVF. But we paid nothing but copay.

 

Pre-geneitc screening (PGS, PGD) was around 5 grand and not covered by insurance. It was not tied to the number of embryos. If you had 2 or 10 it was the same flat price. We freezed several extra good candidates for a second go around. Freezing was not expensive (maybe 300 bucks a year). So 5 grand got us two tries.

 

If you think 5 grand is expensive to get a healthy baby at later age...... trying buying all the stuff a baby or child needs each year .

Edited June 23, 2017 by dichotomy

[No_Go]

If you think 5 grand is expensive to get a healthy baby at later age...... trying buying all the stuff a baby or child needs each year .

 

Oh I certainly think it is reasonable price to pay! (of course a cost of a baby is much higher let alone of disabled one god forbid)

 

I'm getting more and more convinced that egg freezing+IVF+genetic screen is the way to go if you are 30 or older, not playing Russian roulette with the natural route...

[karalee967]

I love everyone's replies! I agree with those who tell me to just enjoy Europe and ask what's the rush. That's always been my mentality and at one point I even said I never wanted kids so I could have the time and freedom to travel. And guess what? I never did. My ex husband is a homebody and I spent my 20s with him. I've had a ton of fun with my current one..... but now I also agree with those of you who tell me I should not wait much longer. I'm so angry. It hurts so much that while before he would always ask me if he could come inside, knowing that I would always say no unless I was right before my period--- now that things got serious and he got me to the point where I do want that, now he never asks and he's super careful about always pulling out. I don't want to complain too much because I don't want to have a baby as a result of me pressuring him for it. Pregnancy scares me and I wanted that with someone who wants it more than I do. I thought he wanted this. He made me believe he did. And I know he says he still does but until after we travel. And I don't think he understands that I won't necessarily get pregnant from the first try after he decides that okay, it's time to sow that seed. At my age, if could take months, years, maybe never. I have bad luck with men who are never ready. I wish I had married an older man. I LIKE older men, but they were all married. FML

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Pregnant women can travel.

 

Young families can travel. It happens every day.

 

Having a baby and traveling are not mutually exclusive.

 

This!

I have 3 kids under 10 and we are just about to do a month in Europe... can't wait

[Mrs. John Adams]

I will share with you that....usually the younger you were to reach puberty...the younger you will probably be to also be menapausal.

 

I started my period when i was 11....and I started menapause at 41.

 

I would think that many things factor into becoming a parent. It is possible to travel with children....so I would not let that be a deterant...We see many families ....from Hawaii to europe...to Alaska...etc.

 

People do certainly seem to be waiting longer to start their families nowadays...and i dont think thats a bad thing...except that you will also be older when you have an empty nest.

 

We had our kids in our 20's...we did not do much traveling....but once they were adults...we were in our 40's and we have traveled extensivily. So we feel like we have had the best of both worlds. Many folks wait until they retire to travel...but in reality...if you retire in your 60's you probably have only 10 good years of health that you can travel. So we are really glad we started traveling in our 40's.

 

Our children had kids in their 20's...but their relationships ended and they remarried and had more children....they are now in their 40's and have older kids in college and also younger children...and most of their vacations are to Disney world or Disney cruises....but they are happy.

 

Best of luck to you whatever you decide....

[elaine567]

I don't actually think this man wants children.

YOU will go to Europe and then it will be Australia, South America, Asia, Africa... the list is endless for a man who wants to go travelling, and I guess he means real "travelling" and not just going abroad with a gaggle of kids in tow..

He has now admitted he was looking for a travelling companion and not for the mother of his children, so you need to listen to that,

[Els]

I don't get that she had an affair? It sounds like she was separated and living in her own place?

 

I don't understand the dating while separated=affair bandwagon.

 

Fair enough, I suppose "affair" might be the wrong word. Still, wanting to "make babies" by regular unprotected ejaculation into a woman who was legally and technically still married to someone else... it just, well, says a lot about the man, in my opinion (it also says some things about her, but that is irrelevant to her question).

 

It also does not invalidate the rest of my post, which is that the OP is in for a world of pain if she has kids with a man who is unable to save up for a trip to Europe (which is something that HE really wants, unlike babies....).

[karalee967]

I don't actually think this man wants children.

YOU will go to Europe and then it will be Australia, South America, Asia, Africa... the list is endless for a man who wants to go travelling, and I guess he means real "travelling" and not just going abroad with a gaggle of kids in tow..

He has now admitted he was looking for a travelling companion and not for the mother of his children, so you need to listen to that,

 

I agree. We had a big fight about this over the weekend. I was trying to be supportive about the Europe trip without losing sight about what I want to. So I had, "oh honey, we'll have plenty of time to save. We can take our trip by April or next summer, and by then I'll be 34, making me 35 when we have our baby." He flipped. He said "whoaaa whoa whoa, I don't want to be on a timeline either, and I never said about having it right after we come back." What?! So we had a major exchange of disagreements. He's not ready, he doesn't know when he will be, im selfish; I told him its not that I'm selfish, it's just that I don't have a lot of time left so I need to at least have an idea. He said he doesn't know. I cried all weekend, and as usual, he was able to snap back from this fight like nothing happened, talking endlessly about what he talks about best-- Pokémon, movies, music, etc. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure this is something I'd want to divorce over because it's not something I always wanted--- but it kind of feels like he deceived me and it's cruel to have awoken a desire in me that he wasn't serious about. I resent him for being the one to awake that desire-- and the one to extinguish it.

[Els]

I agree. We had a big fight about this over the weekend. I was trying to be supportive about the Europe trip without losing sight about what I want to. So I had, "oh honey, we'll have plenty of time to save. We can take our trip by April or next summer, and by then I'll be 34, making me 35 when we have our baby." He flipped. He said "whoaaa whoa whoa, I don't want to be on a timeline either, and I never said about having it right after we come back." What?! So we had a major exchange of disagreements. He's not ready, he doesn't know when he will be, im selfish; I told him its not that I'm selfish, it's just that I don't have a lot of time left so I need to at least have an idea. He said he doesn't know. I cried all weekend, and as usual, he was able to snap back from this fight like nothing happened, talking endlessly about what he talks about best-- Pokémon, movies, music, etc. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure this is something I'd want to divorce over because it's not something I always wanted--- but it kind of feels like he deceived me and it's cruel to have awoken a desire in me that he wasn't serious about. I resent him for being the one to awake that desire-- and the one to extinguish it.

 

I really am not sure why you think he was talking AT ALL about genuinely having children when he was having sex with you during your separation with your husband. I think it's fairly clear to everyone that that was just his little head talking - he wanted to be able to ejaculate inside you and since saying those things got you all hot and bothered and allowed him to do it again, he said those things.

 

It's actually really concerning that you believed him and that you are taking those words this seriously.

[Overtaxed]

I agree. We had a big fight about this over the weekend. I was trying to be supportive about the Europe trip without losing sight about what I want to. So I had, "oh honey, we'll have plenty of time to save. We can take our trip by April or next summer, and by then I'll be 34, making me 35 when we have our baby." He flipped. He said "whoaaa whoa whoa, I don't want to be on a timeline either, and I never said about having it right after we come back." What?! So we had a major exchange of disagreements. He's not ready, he doesn't know when he will be, im selfish; I told him its not that I'm selfish, it's just that I don't have a lot of time left so I need to at least have an idea. He said he doesn't know. I cried all weekend, and as usual, he was able to snap back from this fight like nothing happened, talking endlessly about what he talks about best-- Pokémon, movies, music, etc. I don't know what to do. I'm not sure this is something I'd want to divorce over because it's not something I always wanted--- but it kind of feels like he deceived me and it's cruel to have awoken a desire in me that he wasn't serious about. I resent him for being the one to awake that desire-- and the one to extinguish it.

 

A few words of advice I can offer. Similar to my situation, wife has more interest in children than I do; which, I'd also extrapolate out to "most relationships". So, I guess, quick way of saying, you're not alone here, this isn't all that unusual, just like men typically have a far higher drive for sex than women, and that drive pushes them to do awful things (A's/lying/manipulating), women have a far higher drive to have children than most men, and it pushes them to do awful things to get it (A's/lying/manipulating; sound familiar)?

 

Anyway, my words of wisdom. Be realistic. And, what I'm seeing, realistically, it's probably an "either/or" with your traveling and children. Don't say "But of course we'll go to Europe as much after we have children", because, that's almost never the case. Travel will slow down or stop all together. And the vacations you have will most likely be "kid centeric" not vacations to go backpacking between hostels (if that's what he wants to do) or staying at 5 star hotels in London. Or clubbing the night away in Ibiza.

 

Don't lie to him or to yourself. You will give up a lot to have children, and, you will also gain a lot (love and purpose from having a child). But don't paint a picture that any guy will look at and say "She's lying and trying to manipulate me" because that's sure to cause resistance. And make sure you're OK with the "real" tradeoff you're making here. Yes, you can still go tromping around Europe if that's what you want. But, it's very unrealistic to think that's going to happen anytime soon, in fact, you might want to set the expectation that "we can do that in 18 years when the children leave home". That's a realistic discussion. Unless your fantastically wealthy, your husband is looking to you to tell him you understand what having children means and that you're OK with the sacrifices you both will have to make. "Glossing them over" or lying to yourself about how you'd behave with children, he'll see through it and know there's no way he can live up to the image you have in your mind and shy away. I speak from personal experience here, this is a conversation my W and I had many times in the past.

[elaine567]

I'm not sure this is something I'd want to divorce over because it's not something I always wanted--- but it kind of feels like he deceived me and it's cruel to have awoken a desire in me that he wasn't serious about. I resent him for being the one to awake that desire-- and the one to extinguish it.

 

It is exactly something you divorce over as the differences are irreconcilable.

At 33, you can't afford to hang around for years hoping you can persuade him to have kids.

You can deny yourself kids and resent him forever, or you can force him to have the kids YOU want, and he will resent you forever. Happy days ahead...

In marriage, having or not having kids is a basic thing that needs agreed upon and he basically deceived you here.

It is fine for him, he can travel the world for decades and decide to have kids at 75 if he wants to, but your fertility window is decreasing in size every day.

[karalee967]

I really am not sure why you think he was talking AT ALL about genuinely having children when he was having sex with you during your separation with your husband. I think it's fairly clear to everyone that that was just his little head talking - he wanted to be able to ejaculate inside you and since saying those things got you all hot and bothered and allowed him to do it again, he said those things.

 

It's actually really concerning that you believed him and that you are taking those words this seriously.

 

Well no, I didn't believe him. I didn't let him get me pregnant. I let time tell if he was really serious. He married me, which I thought was more than enough proof that he was.

[Overtaxed]

Well no, I didn't believe him. I didn't let him get me pregnant. I let time tell if he was really serious. He married me, which I thought was more than enough proof that he was.

 

A man can be dead serious about marrying you and loving you, and still not want to have children. Now, if he future faked you (married you saying "I want to have kids") that's a problem. But if you're taking marriage to mean he want's kids (but he never said that), that's a leap that many men don't make. We marry our wives because we love them, not because we see them as baby factories.

[karalee967]

A man can be dead serious about marrying you and loving you, and still not want to have children. Now, if he future faked you (married you saying "I want to have kids") that's a problem. But if you're taking marriage to mean he want's kids (but he never said that), that's a leap that many men don't make. We marry our wives because we love them, not because we see them as baby factories.

 

My mom says he was probably trying to get me pregnant back then because he didn't have me completely secure. But now that he really has me he doesn't have to. Well, it's preferable to what I had feared-- that he'd get me pregnant in the spur of the moment and then not marry me. Lol. My mom said she didn't ask my dad, she just had me. But then, they didn't last much longer after that. But it was fine for her since she's super independent, 80s gal. I am more family-oriented and would love a family that both mother and father want and raise. If I were to go the sneaky route, I'd do it with a really hot guy (like my dad). I was sad because I thought I had found that with him, but I guess traveling and childless isn't the worst thing ever.

[GunslingerRoland]

Why not? Europe for the most part is super easy to travel around. Let say it is easier for me to fly to Paris from Boston than let say to Seattle. It is not like they aspired to live in a tent in Africa.

 

I guess I forget that it's so much closer from the east side of the continent.

 

From out west, you have to make both of those trips you listed.

 

I still stand by my statement though, most of the things that people from North America want to go to Europe for aren't young kid friendly. From spending hours at museums, lining up for hours for something like the Eiffel tower, the Euro party scene.

 

At best most of the stuff there won't appeal to kids under 8, and that is if you have really patient laid back kids.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Did you ever have a conversation with him before you got married about when/ if you want kids?

 

I can totally relate to having a ticking clock (I'm 32, unmarried, no kids) but the way you proposed the Europe compromise to your husband would have seriously alarmed me. It sounds like you don't actually have any interest in going and are obsessed with starting a family now.

 

Imo, you should chill. You just got married and your marriage will be stronger if you can take at least some time to enjoy it with just your husband. That being said, I don't see why you need to wait till next year to go to Europe. I'd do whatever I could to push the trip forward. I'd also make sure your husband does in fact want kids eventually and try to get on the same timeline about it. Unlike some other posters, I don't think it's clear that he doesn't want kids. I think it's clear your anxiety is getting the better of you though.

 

If you don't have enough money for Europe- you probably don't have enough money for a child either.

[Els]

I guess I forget that it's so much closer from the east side of the continent.

 

From out west, you have to make both of those trips you listed.

 

I still stand by my statement though, most of the things that people from North America want to go to Europe for aren't young kid friendly. From spending hours at museums, lining up for hours for something like the Eiffel tower, the Euro party scene.

 

At best most of the stuff there won't appeal to kids under 8, and that is if you have really patient laid back kids.

 

Even from the west coast US, though, you could get a return ticket there for $1000 per person (one of the times that I went to Europe, I actually had to transit via the west coast of the US due to my location, so an even longer trip ), and then if you're reasonably frugal a 2-week trip shouldn't cost more than $3000 for accommodation/spending money for two (while still allowing you to see everything you want to see). So that's $5000. Still chump change in the grand scheme of raising a child.

 

Frankly if $5000 is what's holding a couple back, how on earth will they support a child? It's just not doable barring extremely fortuituous circumstances, like having free childcare on tap in the form of a very enthusiastic relative.

[niji]

Even from the west coast US, though, you could get a return ticket there for $1000 per person (one of the times that I went to Europe, I actually had to transit via the west coast of the US due to my location, so an even longer trip ), and then if you're reasonably frugal a 2-week trip shouldn't cost more than $3000 for accommodation/spending money for two (while still allowing you to see everything you want to see). So that's $5000. Still chump change in the grand scheme of raising a child.

 

Frankly if $5000 is what's holding a couple back, how on earth will they support a child? It's just not doable barring extremely fortuituous circumstances, like having free childcare on tap in the form of a very enthusiastic relative.

 

LOL yup, West Coaster here - flew to Paris RT from LAX for $700 (flew to Sweden $500, another $200 to Paris). Also flew to Japan for $600 RT. Travel these days couldn't be cheaper. Anybody who thinks it still cost in the thousands to fly has gotta become friends with the Internet It takes some patience to search flights during different days of the week/book in advance, but an hour could save you $500, why not? Most people don't make that much per hour.

 

And like you said, it's much, much cheaper to go to another continent for 2 weeks vacation/year than raising a child. MUCH cheaper.