Broken heart

[gardenbear]

Hello. I need some advice.

 

Last year I became romantically involved with a man that I met at an educational workshop. He was the instructor. I knew he was married and didn't anticipate catching feelings for him. I had just read his book and had just moved to this new area when I learned he was coming to do a workshop. I was excited and went to attend the course.

The last night of the workshop I stayed a little later with a group of people and we talked and I stayed longer to draw his portrait. We talked and talked and I told him about a dream I had and he said he shared the same dream. It was really weird and might seem strange to some of you but I knew things about him that were impossible to know.

He hugged me and told me he was separated from his wife... and then we kissed. I was so nervous... but my heart was opening up to him and I was really beginning to like him

We met a few more times before he flew back home and we were smitten. We talked on the phone everyday and we visited eachother and dated for a few months. I should say his wife had moved out of the house 2 years prior and had wanted a divorce but nothing had been finalized yet. We had talked about being together... that the divorce was probably going to be messy but that he wanted to be with me. He said he was in love with me and I felt the same about him.

One day that he went back to his house after a trip for work he told me his wife had moved herself back into the house without speaking to him first and that he didn't know what to do... i wonder if someone thqt saw us together told her. A few days later i recieved and email from him saying that she found out about us and was angry even though she had been dating other men.

I told him I wouldn't be the other woman but he continued to write to me. I know it was stupid of me to continue to stay in contact. And this is something that broke my heart so much that I think I try to forget... he told me one day that she made love to him and that it was beautiful... but that he still loved me but didn't know what to do.

My heart was in pieced but because I did love him very much and I wanted to work with him. We had similar work goals. I tried to just be friends way too soon. Sometimes he would share about his problems with his wife.. it seems like there were more bad experiences than good.. and he seems miserable.

I started to take less care of myself and became isolated. I was still pretty new here and found it difficult to make new friends. Especially being so depressed. I didnt know what to do... I felt like I was only half of myself trying to "be there" for him. He would tell me he didn't have anyone else to talk to.

I didnt talk to him for a month and initiated contact after a dream I had with him. He had a similar dream he said. I think we have this weird connection... but all I want is to be left alone now. Recently I found myself being so angry at him and at myself... I feel like a failure and like I let myself down. I'm so ashamed of myself and I feel like I can't share this with my close friends because I was dating a married man even though he was separated when we met. I just don't know what to do. I know people will judge me but I need advice please.

[Zahara]

This guy is one smooth talker and you fell for it. He had the same dream! You can smell the BS a mile away.

 

I have a strong feeling the wife was in the picture all along. I don't even think the story about him being separated is true.

 

Block him and remove him from all avenues of contact. He isn't your friend.

[Been]

Everybody has made mistakes. It was a lack of better judgement for sure but that doesn't mean your a bad person you just made a mistake. Learn from it.

He seems like a snake. I doubt his wife just moved herself back in without talking to him. He's going to always lie to you and deep down you know that. Furthermore he's shown he can't trusted as he has shown the ability to lie in front of your face.

You can only beat yourself up for so long about a bad decision you made.

There comes a time and point where you have to stop feeling bad for the decision you made and chalk it up to a lesson learned.

[gardenbear]

This guy is one smooth talker and you fell for it. He had the same dream! You can smell the BS a mile away.

 

I have a strong feeling the wife was in the picture all along. I don't even think the story about him being separated is true.

 

Block him and remove him from all avenues of contact. He isn't your friend.

 

Thank you for this. I wondered for a while if all of it was lies myself but he seemed so sincere. Perhaps it is because of the kind of work that he does I just couldn't or wouldn't believe he was the sneaky and lying type.

I did some work with him and even proofread the Spanish edition of his book. I asked him to not mention any thanks to me when he asked to put my name in the acknowledgments. He is an expert in his field but there are other people I can work with down the road. He isn't the only expert.

[gardenbear]

Everybody has made mistakes. It was a lack of better judgement for sure but that doesn't mean your a bad person you just made a mistake. Learn from it.

He seems like a snake. I doubt his wife just moved herself back in without talking to him. He's going to always lie to you and deep down you know that. Furthermore he's shown he can't trusted as he has shown the ability to lie in front of your face.

You can only beat yourself up for so long about a bad decision you made.

There comes a time and point where you have to stop feeling bad for the decision you made and chalk it up to a lesson learned.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this and respond. I did think it was weird for her to suddenly move back in the house too but this man was so convincing. I feel stupid sometimes that I fell for it and I guess not knowing for sure. What I know for sure is that he is choosing to not be with me. It was just hard to try to be friends and have a professional relationship when he would tell me he still loved me and he missed me. It was hard to make the choice to not speak to him anymore. I felt like I was giving up on my own dreams and goals if I didn't help him with his professional goals as well but there are other people doing the same kind of work and I know it will feel good to accomplish them without him. My heart is too hurt to talk to him and work with him anymore I just don't trust him. And I'm starting to be okay with not trusting him. One of my problems is being to trusting I think.

Thank you. Be well.

[Been]

Your embarrassed. I get that. But don't ever feel stupid because you took someone to be honest and they ended up being dishonest.

Feel stupid if you CONTINUE to go back for more. If you continue to believe him. Then you feel stupid because you would be stupid.

You know what he is now. And now that you know you also know what you have to do.

Remember without trust a relationship is doomed from the start.

[Unforseen]

That worries me that you feel like you can't share this experience with your close friend. If you really think this person will be judgemental then maybe they are not the best one to talk to about this. The last thing you need is to be judged while you are feeling so low. That's the messed up thing about shame though. It can quickly corrode feelings of connection that you have with other people as you feel unworthy of belonging and desire to keep all of this hidden. I hope there is someone you can reach out to and be vunerable with. Getting that kind of empathy is about the quickest cure to those feelings of shame. Let's face it, nearly everyone has been taken advantage of in one way or another. You are certainly not alone in that.

 

Based on how you have been treated, a strict no contact policy sounds like a good plan. You did well in making sure he knew you would not be an OW. I think that is a great, self respecting way to go and you should be proud of yourself for taking that stand.

[gardenbear]

That worries me that you feel like you can't share this experience with your close friend. If you really think this person will be judgemental then maybe they are not the best one to talk to about this. The last thing you need is to be judged while you are feeling so low. That's the messed up thing about shame though. It can quickly corrode feelings of connection that you have with other people as you feel unworthy of belonging and desire to keep all of this hidden. I hope there is someone you can reach out to and be vunerable with. Getting that kind of empathy is about the quickest cure to those feelings of shame. Let's face it, nearly everyone has been taken advantage of in one way or another. You are certainly not alone in that.

 

Based on how you have been treated, a strict no contact policy sounds like a good plan. You did well in making sure he knew you would not be an OW. I think that is a great, self respecting way to go and you should be proud of yourself for taking that stand.

 

Thank you. I told my best friend about what was going on when I first met him and then when I found out about his wife moving back in and him being confused. She is a mother of one and lived alone at the time. Her daughters father helps to raise her too but doesn't live in the same house. They split up because of infidelity. I visited her in Oregon when ever thing was going south between me and my ex and it seemed to me she was very jaded about her own experiences and seemed a little judgmental. A lot of the women who are close to me seem to have their own unresolved issues with betrayal and abandonment which makes it hard to talk to them about this. I've not been betrayed in this way before and maybe that and the fact that I really was falling in love with him and I really believed he loved me very much too is what makes it so hard. I'm doing my life's work and was looking forward to sharing that with him...

 

I don't have many people to talk to so I reached out to the people on this site. I am also Journaling too.. and I have found myself praying and asking for guidance and release.. I trust things will be okay. Thank you and all who have commented so far.