7 year affair over

[What_Did_I_Do]

I'm in shock. We had an epic blow out last night and it is over for good. Can't breathe. I woke up this morning hoping it was a nightmare. It was alright, one that I lived every minute of.

 

I left my M years ago, this was an exit A. xMM and I planned for years he would also leave his M when his youngest graduated. Graduation was last month and last week he told his W he was moving to their lake property. Said they slept in separate rooms. He heads out there with a small pile of clothes (but not much else - red flag) and off he goes. I asked if we could meet up sometime over the weekend and he said no, W might be coming out. WTF? Why would she be coming out if you two are separating. He said she has every right to be there.

 

I had no idea when or if she was out there with him so I called and sent a text. Turns out W was there and read my text which asked if they were truly separated. Mini D-Day for him. He freaks on me and said she is going to phone me. Of course he had to calm those waters.

 

Monday comes and we meet up. I need to know (do/did I have this right LS posters?) if they really are separated or trying to R or please just tell me something. Said it's only been a week since they discussed this, adult kids don't know yet. This long, long term M will take time to dissolve. Quite possibly years to actually physically separate. Years? How? We've already been planning, discussing, house shopping, who's going to do what household chores, etc. I drop it thinking that we just came out of a fight over the weekend. Yesterday we go to a sporting event, having tons of fun then I bring up the topic, so gently, hey MM, were you serious that you may need years to physically separate? He loses his mind at me. I follow him out and finally catch up with him and he screams at me he wishes he never met me, never wants to see me again, regrets every single minute with me. Called me names. I am in shock. I'm mentally beating myself up thinking I caused this outrage.

 

So incredibly lost. The tears haven't even started yet but will.

[BluesPower]

Sweety...

 

This is what affairs and dating married men is all about. Lies.

 

He is not going to divorce her, it will cost too much money, and he probably does love her at least a little.

 

The chances are next to 0% that he will leave the marriage. And you never really know until you get to this point.

 

I am not saying that he does not care for you, or even love you. But, he does not love you enough to spend the money to leave his wife.

 

I know that you are hurting, it is a very hard thing to deal with.

 

But, trust me, what I am telling you is true.

 

You have to move on if you want more out of life...

[DKT3]

I recall you saying you knew he was a liar, you knew he wouldn't leave some years back, hope you're the right poster.....yep just checked.

 

I guess I don't understand the shock. This should have been fairly predictable for you.

 

I don't think for a second that it's over. I think you jumped out of the box with your expectations that he would honor his word to leave after graduation. Most likely he will ghost you for awhile, you will miss him terribly. He will pop back up (after he calls his wife down) with claims of love, you will happily accept and jump back into the box with renewed expectation, lesser than before, but enough to keep you hanging on.

 

How much are you willing to give up for this guy? Another 5 or 10 years?

[aileD]

Blues is right

 

He may not have intentionally strung you along.....but when the reality of the "fantasy" of divorce becomes real......most of them stay .

 

He didn't care about your feelings, which is a giant red flag that this isn't just another fight. He's regretting the affair. Now that your existence is out in the open he stands to lose the respect of his kids, friends, everyone.

 

It's not gonna happen.

 

Spend a couple minutes mourning it but be happy....yousre out of your marriage. The exit affair provided the exit. Now find a single guy to date

[Southern Sun]

Who knows whether or not he will divorce. That is a long affair for him to not have done anything. Some do; most don't.

 

My xMM and his wife started talking about divorce within the first year of our affair. Three years later and he is actually getting divorced. It can be a very drawn-out process with a lot of back and forth and indecision. But the divorce process itself doesn't take three years (unless it's contested). It was the fighting and uncertainty and ambivalence and when to do it and when to tell the kids, etc., that took the time.

 

You never know. The odds aren't terribly good.

[Overtaxed]

OMG, I'm so sorry.

 

I'm also sorry that Blues and I are the first to comment on your thread, but hopefully we'll tell you what you need to hear to take control of your life and start to live.

 

The time you spent with him, the time you waited for him. It's all in the past. Today is the only day your can change, so start changing it now. Walk away from this guy, he's toxic to you, and your life has been on pause for years; aren't you ready to start making your own story?

 

As Blues said, this is what A's are about for married men. I suspect he has NO IDEA why you are so upset. Because, while every MM out there spins the same yarn (I love you, I'm leaving her, we never have sex, sex with you is so special, I've never felt like this before, you make me feel things she never did), this yarn is just that. It's a piece of string. And we (men) expect you see through it because we don't think you want the truth, you want the shiny veneer. The sad thing is that most women don't realize it, the men lie expecting the woman to see the truth; we see the lie as a "social grace". Do you love me, to us, is like saying "How did you like the dinner". Could have been the worst meal you'd ever had, no matter what you say "It was delicious". Well, when your "dating" a married woman, those same lies are told, for the same reason, it's a "social grace". Of course he "never" has sex with the wife. Because, telling you "I just had sex with her before I came over" isn't an "acceptable" answer in that situation.

 

He's not going to leave his M to be with you, and some day, you're going to look back and be THRILLED that he didn't. If he did, you'd have close to a 90% chance of D in the new marriage, because, leaving a M for an AP is a near impossible way to start a life together. Because, as mentioned above, you can't build a relationship built on lies.

 

And yes, that's what it is. An A is a web of lies from both people, but MM are typically the "spinners" here. It's what we have to do to get women in bed, and, if we're willing to lie to our wives, we're darn sure going to be willing to lie to our APs! That's the thing, in almost no case does an AP ever rate "above" the W, you might snicker thinking "She doesn't know about me", but, trust me, if you talked to her, you'd realize that while she doesn't know about you, she does know about HIM. And you don't. To use numbers, she's get 10% lies from her husband (mostly about you), you're getting 90% lies (how he feels about you, his plans for the future, the relationship with his wife, etc).

 

Trust me, I've never been in an A, but I've spun some massive yarns to have sex. Almost every guy has; from the time we're engaging with women, we're learning how to lie more and more convincingly to have sex.

 

The ONLY way to discern a man's sexual intentions are through watching his actions. His actions are the things you can trust. If he files for D (and you see the paperwork, telling you he did could very well be a lie), then maybe it's worth waiting. Telling his W about the A and leaving their home to rent another place? Maybe worth waiting. But sleeping with you, hopping in his car to go home to his wife? That's telling you EVERYTHING you need to know right there. He doesn't care much about you, or, even if he does, he cares about her more.

 

End of the day, and I'm going to say this until I get banned or my carpal tunnel flares up and I can't type anymore, A's are 99% about sex for married men. Because, end of the day, male/female interaction is most about sex for men; add in the element of "married man" and you have a situation where it's almost "for sure" that you're being played, his words are utterly worthless, and you are, in fact, there only to satisfy his sexual urges. If you want a NSA relationship, yes, a MM is a good place to get it. But it's almost never what women are after, they want someone who loves and respects them, and looking to a married man for that is about as reasonable as looking for snow in the middle of Miami. It's just not the nature of the relationship, and you'll wind up broken and battered by the experience, not realizing that the entire time, you've been putting yourself in a situation that almost guaranteed this was the outcome.

[Overtaxed]

Who knows whether or not he will divorce. That is a long affair for him to not have done anything. Some do; most don't.

 

My xMM and his wife started talking about divorce within the first year of our affair. Three years later and he is actually getting divorced. It can be a very drawn-out process with a lot of back and forth and indecision. But the divorce process itself doesn't take three years (unless it's contested). It was the fighting and uncertainty and ambivalence and when to do it and when to tell the kids, etc., that took the time.

 

You never know. The odds aren't terribly good.

 

No. The odds are terribly bad. Very few will D, because, end of the day, the A is about "more" for them, more sex, more fun, more ego kibbles, etc (primarily for men, sometimes for women). It's not about replacing the W, it's about "adding to" what she offers him.

 

So, let's make up some numbers. Let's say 10% of the time the male AP will actually D his wife. 50% of the time they do that, they'll wind up marring their AP. And we already know the stats on that 2nd marriage, 75-90% of the time when you start a marriage with an AP, you wind up divorced. Those numbers, because one follows the other, are absolutely terrible. Depending on what part of the range you take, it's like a 1% or less chance that you wind up happily married with the AP. 1%! The other 99% of the time, you wind up alone, wind up divorced, or, most often, just wind up the sex toy to another man in return for some kind words. Who on earth would knowingly take those odds?

[stillafool]

They were going to THEIR lake house to relax. He was never going alone. His wife has no idea they are supposed to be separating and thought all was fine until you blew up their weekend. He isn't even thinking about leaving his wife. He is a liar but you already knew that.

[Southern Sun]

No. The odds are terribly bad. Very few will D, because, end of the day, the A is about "more" for them, more sex, more fun, more ego kibbles, etc (primarily for men, sometimes for women). It's not about replacing the W, it's about "adding to" what she offers him.

 

So, let's make up some numbers. Let's say 10% of the time the male AP will actually D his wife. 50% of the time they do that, they'll wind up marring their AP. And we already know the stats on that 2nd marriage, 75-90% of the time when you start a marriage with an AP, you wind up divorced. Those numbers, because one follows the other, are absolutely terrible. Depending on what part of the range you take, it's like a 1% or less chance that you wind up happily married with the AP. 1%! The other 99% of the time, you wind up alone, wind up divorced, or, most often, just wind up the sex toy to another man in return for some kind words. Who on earth would knowingly take those odds?

 

It's pretty freaking terrible!

 

I came back to this because I realized I didn't clarify - my xMM may be divorcing, but I am not running to be with him...lol. I've learned my lesson.

[Syre17]

I'm in shock. We had an epic blow out last night and it is over for good. Can't breathe. I woke up this morning hoping it was a nightmare. It was alright, one that I lived every minute of.

 

I left my M years ago, this was an exit A. xMM and I planned for years he would also leave his M when his youngest graduated. Graduation was last month and last week he told his W he was moving to their lake property. Said they slept in separate rooms. He heads out there with a small pile of clothes (but not much else - red flag) and off he goes. I asked if we could meet up sometime over the weekend and he said no, W might be coming out. WTF? Why would she be coming out if you two are separating. He said she has every right to be there.

 

I had no idea when or if she was out there with him so I called and sent a text. Turns out W was there and read my text which asked if they were truly separated. Mini D-Day for him. He freaks on me and said she is going to phone me. Of course he had to calm those waters.

 

Monday comes and we meet up. I need to know (do/did I have this right LS posters?) if they really are separated or trying to R or please just tell me something. Said it's only been a week since they discussed this, adult kids don't know yet. This long, long term M will take time to dissolve. Quite possibly years to actually physically separate. Years? How? We've already been planning, discussing, house shopping, who's going to do what household chores, etc. I drop it thinking that we just came out of a fight over the weekend. Yesterday we go to a sporting event, having tons of fun then I bring up the topic, so gently, hey MM, were you serious that you may need years to physically separate? He loses his mind at me. I follow him out and finally catch up with him and he screams at me he wishes he never met me, never wants to see me again, regrets every single minute with me. Called me names. I am in shock. I'm mentally beating myself up thinking I caused this outrage.

 

So incredibly lost. The tears haven't even started yet but will.

 

I agree with much of what the other posters have said, but not all of it...

 

That said, it isn't always the MM who drags their feet. In my case, it was the MW/AP. When my D day happened, I left, and never returned to my W. In large part, this was based on very similar conversions with her, my MW, as you had with your MM...our future, plans, where we'd live, what I would do with my house, etc. Part of me however, was aware that she might not ever leave her H. My skepticism was magnified by her upbringing...Hispanic household, very Catholic, one of seven kids, with from what I knew, an emotionally absent father who had to work so much to support a family that size, that he was rarely around. When he was, the only time he was loving was when he was drinking. Translation...in that environment, you're conditioned to put up with whatever, and you don't get divorced no matter how dire or miserable you might be all the while allowing guilt to drive your emotions and decisions.

 

When she finally did "leave" (and I use that term loosely) she put a deposit on an apartment and then sat there, not moving in, for oh about two months. When she finally did "move in" she spent as many nights back at home as she did at the apartment. One of the final events that sealed our fate, was after it had only been a matter of weeks after her "leaving" and when things were still very raw, she went on vacation with her H and kid for spring break. Now, I know people who do this, divorced spouses, etc., who take occasional trips together...but usually well after a D is finalized and the dust has settled. That said, my exW and I are pretty amicable, and I've been D'ed for about three years now, but I just don't see myself doing that, vacationing with them, even as decent as things are between us. I say all this because I tend to agree with you, if he respected you and was really trying to make a serious go of it with you, he should NOT be spending a weekend with his H who he just "left." I'm all for communication in these matters, but fine, meet her someplace neutral for an hour or two if they needed to talk.

 

And to imply that it could take years to physically separate!?!? That is a bunch of bull... He's a coward, plain and simple and is taking the easy road, much like my exAP did. Listen, having been someone who ripped the band aid off myself, yeah, it's tough, but you do it or you don't, it's that simple. Heck, in my case, my investment property was rented out to someone, I had no place to go other than my moms, owned a sports car that wouldn't even fit both of my kids, and I lost my job two weeks after leaving. But you know what, I took it day by day and pressed on, never once waivering from my decision, even after my exW said at co-parenting therapy that she didn't want the marriage to end. People can come up with all the excuses they want, but if one wants out bad enough, its doable. Maybe I'm just mentally tougher and more resilient than most, but sheesh, I'm amazed at how many people aren't brave enough to look fear in the face and say, F you, especially when it's their own lives and future at stake.

 

As hard as it is, I'd tell him "call me if/when you ever get your $#iT together" and then ghost him.

Edited June 22, 2017 by Syre17

[whichwayisup]

You don't see it now but this was the best thing that could have happened to you. The blinders now hopefully have come off as you can see him for who he is. A liar, cheater, manipulator, a selfish man who only loves himself.

 

It seems you've closed your eyes for a long time now about the reality of your affair, chose not to see the red flags along the way.. All I can say is the truth is out there now and I wish you the best to heal in a healthy way, stay in NC and never see or speak to him again. Let him go! Don't try to fight for him or try to stay in his life. You deserve better and some day when the timing is right/better a great guy will walk into your life and make you so happy! You'll look back on this and see that he wasn't the one for you.

[Marc878]

Sorry lady but you've been had.

 

Like most.

 

It's painful when that fantasy bubble bursts

[Overtaxed]

Sorry lady but you've been had.

 

Like most.

 

It's painful when that fantasy bubble bursts

 

I like your post. I hate that this story repeats dozens of times a day on LS with countless WW's.

 

A's are for lies, ego kibbles and sex. If you don't want these things, don't do it. If you do, and you value them over your primary relationship, then do it. Is it really all that difficult?

[What_Did_I_Do]

Thank you everyone. God I need your support today. Now the tears are here and please excuse any typos. Can't see the keyboard too well right now.

 

We talked to the nth degree on everything, how are adult kids would accept each other, what would happen if a D-Day occurred (yeah, he said he would tell her the truth that he loves me and their M is over). Guess that was another lie.

 

7 years and 2 months to be exact. Gone and wasted.

 

He's gone completely NC and won't reach out to me. He's that way.

 

Painful lesson learnt. He said on Monday he was leaving the M with or without me there. Yesterday he said he loved me at least 5 times. The screaming at me and name calling is haunting. All because I so gently asked if he truly needed years to finish the separation. How can he say he loves me to he wished he never met me in a span of 3 hours?

[What_Did_I_Do]

I recall you saying you knew he was a liar, you knew he wouldn't leave some years back, hope you're the right poster.....yep just checked.

 

I guess I don't understand the shock. This should have been fairly predictable for you.

 

I don't think for a second that it's over. I think you jumped out of the box with your expectations that he would honor his word to leave after graduation. Most likely he will ghost you for awhile, you will miss him terribly. He will pop back up (after he calls his wife down) with claims of love, you will happily accept and jump back into the box with renewed expectation, lesser than before, but enough to keep you hanging on.

 

How much are you willing to give up for this guy? Another 5 or 10 years?

 

DTK, I don't want that. I can't. That image of him screaming at me, how demoralizing. I would never, ever treat another human being with such disdain and disgust.

 

I was a shell of a person before last night. Now? Nothing, hollow, hopeless. Any lurkers on here flirting with someone across the office or over the back fence. STOP. Because this is what you get.

[harrybrown]

Sorry for your pain that many years.

 

He used you.

 

He will not get married again. Divorce? I do not know.

 

But I do not think so.

 

But he did get to use you. sorry.

[Overtaxed]

DTK, I don't want that. I can't. That image of him screaming at me, how demoralizing. I would never, ever treat another human being with such disdain and disgust.

 

I was a shell of a person before last night. Now? Nothing, hollow, hopeless. Any lurkers on here flirting with someone across the office or over the back fence. STOP. Because this is what you get.

 

Yes, it is. And the other man/woman who lives over the fence doesn't even get the sex, they just get all the pain. A's destroy people, they destroy lives, and, unless you really are after sex as the primary motivation, you're almost certainly not going to get what you want out of it. This is the message that I try to carry to others here, not because I'm an expert, but because I was "that guy"; the guy who was just out for sex, and you simply cannot imagine how easily people like me (which is a lot of men out there, and, IMHO, the vast majority of MM looking for or engaging with an AP) can compartmentalize this and justify it to themselves.

 

Don't go into it blindly (which I think most women and some men do). This is what you get. If you (OP) really just wanted NSA sex, how would you feel right now? Like you got what you wanted from the relationship, I'm sure, because.. That's what you did get. You'd feel find about it. Maybe miss the sex, maybe long to have that experience again. But "broken" or ripped apart? Dying to have him/her call? Nope and nope. Because you got what you came for, you wanted sex, you got sex and now it's over. Rinse and repeat.

[Matt the Rat]

I was in one of those deals and waited for her for years.

 

Here's how long you should wait for someone to leave their partner: 0.0000001 seconds.

[Syre17]

Thank you everyone. God I need your support today. Now the tears are here and please excuse any typos. Can't see the keyboard too well right now.

 

We talked to the nth degree on everything, how are adult kids would accept each other, what would happen if a D-Day occurred (yeah, he said he would tell her the truth that he loves me and their M is over). Guess that was another lie.

 

7 years and 2 months to be exact. Gone and wasted.

 

He's gone completely NC and won't reach out to me. He's that way.

 

Painful lesson learnt. He said on Monday he was leaving the M with or without me there. Yesterday he said he loved me at least 5 times. The screaming at me and name calling is haunting. All because I so gently asked if he truly needed years to finish the separation. How can he say he loves me to he wished he never met me in a span of 3 hours?

 

Hang in there...my off and on (mostly on) A lasted 5 years, almost to the day, until NC 37 days ago. Fight the urge to fix, contact, make right, reach out and all that...and fight it HARD! It says something when all the BS, waffling, indecisiveness, mind-games, manipulation and disrespect outweighs and overshadows the joy we all once felt and shared with that OP. You, me and others on here matter way more than that. I don't dwell on her but when she does enter my mind, I just think of all the $#iT she put me through and that snaps me back to my resolve to be done with her forever. Try not to let him have that power over you and your emotions, as hard as it is for you right now.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Hang in there...my off and on (mostly on) A lasted 5 years, almost to the day, until NC 37 days ago. Fight the urge to fix, contact, make right, reach out and all that...and fight it HARD! It says something when all the BS, waffling, indecisiveness, mind-games, manipulation and disrespect outweighs and overshadows the joy we all once felt and shared with that OP. You, me and others on here matter way more than that. I don't dwell on her but when she does enter my mind, I just think of all the $#iT she put me through and that snaps me back to my resolve to be done with her forever. Try not to let him have that power over you and your emotions, as hard as it is for you right now.

 

 

Thank you Syre. I will post here instead. The urge isn't too bad right now because I'm still in complete disbelief of what just happened. But it will come. And with full force. Seven years of seeing each other almost every day (luckily we don't work together), life so intertwined, texts and phone calls all day. Gone.

 

The reminders of him are everywhere in my house and office. So many things we bought each other throughout the years. Can't even think about purging those now.

 

This hurts so bad.

[Syre17]

Thank you Syre. I will post here instead. The urge isn't too bad right now because I'm still in complete disbelief of what just happened. But it will come. And with full force. Seven years of seeing each other almost every day (luckily we don't work together), life so intertwined, texts and phone calls all day. Gone.

 

The reminders of him are everywhere in my house and office. So many things we bought each other throughout the years. Can't even think about purging those now.

 

This hurts so bad.

 

We didn't work together either, but saw each other a few days a week.

Not a day went by where we didn't talk by phone, FaceTime and text throughout the day and evening. She always said I was her best friend...funny how a best friend can turn on you. Thats not the kind of best friend I want or need.

 

I too had/have a lot of stuff in my home from her, things she bought or gave me (some really cool and semi valuable art which I won't part with...haha), but even some of the other stuff, I've slowly began getting rid of. It really is crazy how when things break off, you seem to hear the shared favorite songs, and see stuff, reminders, everywhere of what once was. Sheesh I can't tell you how many times I still see or hear her first name on a random employees name badge or some other place.

 

Just keep fighting and yes, turn to here for support. I'm kind of an open book these days and I have a couple of close and trusted friends/confidants who know my whole protracted and silly story that I can turn to if needed. Do you have anyone like that!?!? It helps...

[aileD]

So what's your plan for when he comes crying to you, sobbing, saying he's so sorry he treated you like that and it's just the stress of everything and he didn't mean it and he misses you and just want you back and can you just be patient?

 

 

Cuz he will.

 

In that moment....Picture him screaming at you and don't make excuses for him.

 

He might really leave his wife but I guarantee you he will enjoy being single and play the field.

 

For 7 years you've painted yourself into the mistress corner. That's all he may ever see you as, that's how much respect he has for you.

 

Please please don't let him waste any more of your life.

[deadsoul]

I also believe he will be back. Someone who can flip flop to telling you I love you to telling you he never wants to see you again will flip back to "loving" you again.

 

You are focused on your loss right now. How about your gains?

 

Your dignity: that probably has hit the gutter a few times

your self respect: you can start to love yourself enough to know you deserve better

no more waiting: In 7 years, I'll bet you've spent a lot of time waiting. Waiting for him to come to you. Waiting for him to call.

 

How many times did he let you down?

 

Right now these questions mean nothing because you can't see through your pain. Start taking care of you and doing things for you. It will take a lot of time. But you can do it.

 

But he will be back. If I owned a farm, I'd bet the farm on it.

 

 

So what's your plan for when he comes crying to you, sobbing, saying he's so sorry he treated you like that and it's just the stress of everything and he didn't mean it and he misses you and just want you back and can you just be patient?

 

 

Cuz he will.

 

In that moment....Picture him screaming at you and don't make excuses for him.

 

He might really leave his wife but I guarantee you he will enjoy being single and play the field.

 

For 7 years you've painted yourself into the mistress corner. That's all he may ever see you as, that's how much respect he has for you.

 

Please please don't let him waste any more of your life.

[What_Did_I_Do]

I also believe he will be back. Someone who can flip flop to telling you I love you to telling you he never wants to see you again will flip back to "loving" you again.

 

You are focused on your loss right now. How about your gains?

 

Your dignity: that probably has hit the gutter a few times

your self respect: you can start to love yourself enough to know you deserve better

no more waiting: In 7 years, I'll bet you've spent a lot of time waiting. Waiting for him to come to you. Waiting for him to call.

 

How many times did he let you down?

 

Right now these questions mean nothing because you can't see through your pain. Start taking care of you and doing things for you. It will take a lot of time. But you can do it.

 

But he will be back. If I owned a farm, I'd bet the farm on it.

 

He won't be back unless I reach out. He just deleted all of our text messages. He's never done that before. We've only been NC twice before for 3 days only in 7 years and of course, I sent the first message to reach out.

 

He is serious this time.

[lostgirl87]

..they aaalways come back.

 

7 years is a long time. You don't quit that after one big fight. Right now, reality has just slapped him across the face. He is confused, scared, and his mind is all over the place. That does not justify the way he treated or spoke to you.

 

When he comes back, because he will, you need to either ignore him OR tell him you are done with the BS- if he wants you in his life, he will do what he needs to do (and it won't take no damn 7 years, come on!).

 

For your sake, I hope you are right and that he won't come back but I am almost 100% sure that he will. Maybe not tomorrow but he will be back. If my MM came back after me talking to his wife, yours will definitely be back. Good luck!