Did my affair destroy our compatibility?

[Maraud3r]

This is wholly untrue. What are you even talking about? I could have kept the whole charade a secret forever (I suppose). I volunteered the information bc I felt my H deserved it and I didn't want to hide behind lies.

 

Seriously - where the heck do you get your crap from?

A great many cheaters do not confess because they feel bad for what they did, otherwise they wouldn't have done so in the first place. They confess because they want to alleviate their own guilt or fear they might be discovered.

 

From your own threads! You were literally the butt of the office jokes. They even went as far as referring to you as MM's "toy" (to your face even!)

 

Once enough people know that they start coming up with nicknames for you, it was only a matter of time before you got busted.

Pretty much this too. In a way it only makes the entire thing worse. Their affair was public to an extent, her boss was calling her such things and bragging to others. That she was married was likely a bonus and a further kick to the groin of her husband.

 

First, I will just say that you come across as very unkind.

Different people perceive things differently. To me he seems completely neutral. He is neither kind nor aggressive. He is merely giving feedback and pointing things out especially where they might help understanding your husbands views and feelings on the matter.

 

The fact that you let yourself be outright humiliated, called names and it was at least semi public makes the entire thing far worse especially if he knows it.

 

I me I my I I my

Sums it about up, also why some of the feedback isn't all that kind. Most of your threads make it feel to some that you have very little regard for your husband in the matter. Once again, this might be wrong, as people perceive things differently and text does not carry emotions all that well.

 

But it still feels as if this is all very much about you, your feelings, your wants, your needs. Including your husband already getting over it and turning into a Yes-Man for you that should always agree with you.

 

And no, people are not making things up. You yourself wrote this. You said how at a public meeting you were called your bosses toy. Your boss WAS telling people, we know that much and also that he was calling you names. You still stuck with him for a good time, no?

 

I mean, it's just a bit much.

Don't know. I don't see it as harsh and have no personal investment. But your actions for the most part aren't exactly in your favour. You are still putting a very positive spin on most of it. And in your threads it's less about you making ammends, trying to fix the damage you wrought and so on. It's about what you want.

 

You also tend to project guilt a lot. For example it was not your affair that destroyed your compatibility. The affair is not a person or a random event. It is an long term action undertaken by you. You destroyed your compatibility by engaging in an affair.

 

You at large seem, fairly remorseless to me and if your affair was no big deal. Once again, this might be wrong. But if you act like that with your husband, I'd expect this to only get worse. As he seems to be unwilling to play the Yes-Man to your scenario. Heck you got angry because he did not agree with your view on another woman, acting as if he has to change and make ammends.

 

I've been very honest here, laid out the sordid details for everyone. I've had two D-Days, one where I got caught (kind of...H suspected and I spilled the details). The affair was resumed, and then I confessed.

Saw this after I had written my post. Oh wow. This makes it so much incredible worse. You did not confess, your husband found out. He gave you another chance and you picked right up again. Then confessed when it began to became public.

 

And now, I've posted out of concern for my marriage, hoping to get some advice. Thank you to those who helped and I am even grateful for the tough love. I'll be bowing out, unless I see other worthy contributions.

Concern for your marriage, none for your husband as it appears. I change my prior statements that it "seems" to me to, I am fairly certain "it is" now. I can now understand the rather harsh replies of some other users. You are a repeat offender with almost zero regard for your husband who appears to be solely focused on yourself. You get upset and angry because your husband does not share your views, while having two several years affairs with a guy who trotted you out as his toy in public.

 

I almost feel bad for your husband now, except he seems to take this willingly as even after the second time and your behaviour he is still around. That "worthy contributions" to you are those that pat your back and tell you all will be good and no fault is yours speaks for itself.

Edited June 26, 2017 by Maraud3r
Missed a post.

[harrybrown]

OP-

 

do hope you find a way to see things from the shoes of your spouse.

 

that may help. what would you want him to do for you if he had the A?

 

one thing that you may not see that might help your spouse/ with the lack of self esteem for your spouse and that the AP is still your first choice in his mind. (you put him first and your spouse was right there)

 

Find a way to make the AP realize some pain for the A. You have a smart mind and so much energy to cheat and have an A. Now use that energy and smart mind for the AP to be second place to your spouse. You could expose the AP.

Help the AP lose his job. Use your mind. But at least do something to show your spouse that you are putting him and your marriage ahead of the AP.

 

That you value your spouse and your marriage and do something to at least see that the AP did not get off with pain.

 

Your spouse is in a world of pain. Do something positive for your spouse and something negative to the AP. Put your spouse first at least once.

 

 

You have a smart mind. You can make one item good for your spouse.

Edited June 26, 2017 by harrybrown
edit

[Clay]

You know I really cant add to much more than the others. I was on the thread where you talked about confessing to your husband. I am one of the people that chimed in and supported it. I think you did the right thing. I have had three different women in my life cheat on me. None of them confessed. I never really ever got a I'm sorry. Most of the time its been my fault. My last experience was with my xW and she was and still is a serial cheater. I can tell you I know and believe a 100% I would have healed faster in each of those cases had someone had the decency of confessing and being contrite or at least showing some compassion. I commend you on telling him. I know that had to have been one of the hardest things to do. I know this is a up hill battle but don't lose hope.

 

You will make it.

 

Change starts with you.

 

C

[Southern Sun]

You know I really cant add to much more than the others. I was on the thread where you talked about confessing to your husband. I am one of the people that chimed in and supported it. I think you did the right thing. I have had three different women in my life cheat on me. None of them confessed. I never really ever got a I'm sorry. Most of the time its been my fault. My last experience was with my xW and she was and still is a serial cheater. I can tell you I know and believe a 100% I would have healed faster in each of those cases had someone had the decency of confessing and being contrite or at least showing some compassion. I commend you on telling him. I know that had to have been one of the hardest things to do. I know this is a up hill battle but don't lose hope.

 

You will make it.

 

Change starts with you.

 

C

 

Thank you, Clay.

[Southern Sun]

OP-

 

do hope you find a way to see things from the shoes of your spouse.

 

that may help. what would you want him to do for you if he had the A?

 

one thing that you may not see that might help your spouse/ with the lack of self esteem for your spouse and that the AP is still your first choice in his mind. (you put him first and your spouse was right there)

 

Find a way to make the AP realize some pain for the A. You have a smart mind and so much energy to cheat and have an A. Now use that energy and smart mind for the AP to be second place to your spouse. You could expose the AP.

Help the AP lose his job. Use your mind. But at least do something to show your spouse that you are putting him and your marriage ahead of the AP.

 

That you value your spouse and your marriage and do something to at least see that the AP did not get off with pain.

 

Your spouse is in a world of pain. Do something positive for your spouse and something negative to the AP. Put your spouse first at least once.

 

 

You have a smart mind. You can make one item good for your spouse.

 

I always appreciate your support and contributions to my posts. You are encouraging and it means a lot. I don't know about exacting revenge on the AP. Not because he may not deserve it, but because I'm not sure how healthy it would be for me and my H to expend that mental energy on that kind of thing. Focusing on him and making him 'pay'. I wonder if we might think it would feel good and end up feeling bad?

 

He owns his own business so we can't do anything about his job. We could try a smear campaign, but that could backfire on us too. I just don't know if it would be worth it. There are emotional costs to that kind of thing.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Revenge may feel good for a while... but it can eventually destroy you.

 

Revenge for the sake of just ' getting back ' at someone is not really productive to anyone.

 

Just concentrate on making your husband feel safe... ask him what he needs from you and give it to him.... not because you have to but because you want to

[Imajerk17]

I agree with the others: Revenge sounds like a great way to end up in jail.

 

I will add on what I said before, and I do not say this to be mean: The stark truth of the matter is that, if I were your husband, I would not stay around. I mean, you see my posts on this forum in general, and it wouldn't be fair for me to say one thing to someone and then something else to you (as I like you as a poster). One reason I would not stay is that, as I said before, I would not trust why you are back. I'd be forever feeling like your Plan B or an obligation to you of sorts. The second reason is that there would be such an intense level of anger that I'd have no idea how I would be able to get rid of it. (And a third, related, reason would be that I'd feel utterly destroyed as a man around you.)

 

To your husband's credit, he HAS stuck around. But there is still an awful lot of anger and mistrust due to what I mentioned above. And what is even worse is that your husband seems to be burying all of this. It seems to be coming out when he drinks or when he "breaks rapport" by disagreeing with you about silly stuff, obstructing the conversation.

 

Why are you working so hard to fix this marriage? You don't owe the FORUM an answer, but you might want to be clear yourself (and to your H). And what are you doing to boost your H's masculinity.

Edited June 27, 2017 by Imajerk17

[lftbehind]

Sometimes I wonder if my affair just ruined us for good, or we are still going through the normal pains of reconciliation. We are a little over a year out, which I know is still "young" in the standard quoted 2-5 year recovery timeframe.

 

Our communication is really...poor. I feel like we don't get each other at all. He thinks I am really harsh and insensitive and I think he is OVERLY sensitive and out to lunch.

 

Sometimes I will avoid telling him things about my day because I know that he will respond in a "devil's advocate" way and I honestly don't know why he does it. Why always have an opposing opinion? Sometimes I could just use an empathetic ear. Even just a silly story like, can you believe our neighbor "borrowed" all 12 of our eggs AGAIN?? I can't say it to him because his response will be, isn't that sweet, that she will come to you with her needs. Meanwhile I am rolling my eyes because I just wanted my husband to say, geez, that's annoying!! And laugh with me. Like a friend of mine would.

 

He will even go so far, in a conversation like that, to scold me...like, whoa, whoa, slow down there with that tone. As if I am being offensive. To whom? I am sharing a silly story with my husband, the one and only person I can do that with.

 

The other day we were riding in the car and a (what I thought was random) song was playing on the radio. I found it annoying and said, "Do you like that?", hoping to change it. Apparently he had been playing it on purpose and got very offended. He turned it and then later corrected me: If you don't like someone else's music, you should say it in a different way...

 

Okay. I get it. However I didn't even know you had chosen that music.

 

Even if we are having "nice" conversation and he's trying to respond normally, it's like we are on two different wavelengths. He's responding and I'm always course-correcting...no, that's not what I meant. No, not exactly.

 

I just...we can't even talk to each other. He frustrates me. I offend him.

 

Is this normal for recovery? Are we just different now? I don't know what to think.

 

Hi Southern Sun,

I can relate to how you and your H communicate, although mine doesn't know about my A. I don't feel connected to him and don't know how or if we could get that way. When we're having a conversation, a lot of times he will oppose me or not let me get a word in. He'll act like I don't know what I'm talking about or I can't have my own opinion. I do the course-correcting, too, trying to explain myself. I don't enjoy being around him and can't relax. I wish I had an answer as to how to change things with your H.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

What a freaking nightmare.

 

First off, what husband wouldn't be a bit sensitive to criticism after he caught his wife banging some old guy? You completely destroyed the dude's ego. He's also caught up in cognitive dissonance. He knows that staying with you is dangerous, but he's doing it anyway. It's probably not easy as him for him to throw his integrity away as it is for you. That's not a bad thing.

 

You don't want a conversation, you want just to b*tch and have someone agree with you. Unless you're in North Korea, your husband is allowed to dissent. If you don't like it, go back to grandpa.

 

Me, me, me, me, me. You are lucky he talks to you AT ALL. Cut the guy a break for once, JESUS. It's like you shot the guy in the head and now you are pissed off that he's still the hospital. What a nightmare.

 

What a jerk you are. She is asking a question and you beat her up. You must be a BS with bitterness in your heart. Yes she cheated but it does not make her the scum of the earth with no respect. Jump back dude!

 

People who decide to stay in their marriage after an A need grace. Both of them!!!!! EVERYTHING is taken like a shot to the heart for BOTH PARTIES. They have decided to stay and try and work on it therefore both of them are gonna take things to heart even if its not intended.

 

Dear, I apologize for the haters here....it seems to run rapid....

[Jersey born raised]

I think your husband thoughts tend to mirror the socratic method of philosophy. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socratic_method. A more common term is playing the "devils advocate". I wonder if it is ingrained in him or a defense mechanism? I've often seen it used to defend an action(s) that are not defensible.

 

If this is turly ingrained in him, you need to keep this info in the forefront of your thoughts and try to respond in kind. Can he change? Took me 58 years, at 62 I've gotten better but not great.