Am I being overdramatic?

[SaveYourHeart]

Hi y'all, I've been around for a while, just not as frequent in this subsection. Thought I'd share a quick story of my Monday night and see what you fine people think:

 

My therapist rescheduled on me, so I went home at my normal time which my husband didn't expect. There was a near empty bottle of vodka on the counter (he's an alcoholic) but I just ignored it and went to the bedroom to change into something more comfortable. The night is going fine and then he decides he wants to talk about abortion (AGAIN).

 

Background: We used to have similar opinions on abortion and gay marriage but soon after we got married he flopped back over to the conservative side, which is fine, he is allowed to have an opinion and I respect that.

 

Back to the story:

 

So I know where this is going, we've done it a thousand times. It starts as a civil debate and turns into a screaming match because my opinion is wrong and I'm ignorant and stupid. So instead of engaging with the drunk guy, I simply say "I don't want to discuss this topic". He pushes and pushes and pushes and pushes (left the room twice, he followed me both times) until I crack. Then we started the civil debate that turned into a screaming match as I anticipated. At one point I left to take a breather in the bedroom and locked the door behind me, for probably less than a minute. In that time he threatened to bust the door down and subsequently cracked it with his fist, I opened the door, we argued some more and then he screamed at me that I was a "professional victim" and that I make it seem like he's so abusive.

 

I left to put some clothes in the washing machine, when I came back the door was locked. All of my things, my contact solution, my meds, my toothbrush, my purse, my clothes were in there. I sat in the hallway for the majority of the evening trying to get the door unlocked. My fear was that he wouldn't wake up in the morning in time for me to get to work on time. Eventually, I gave up and fell asleep in the guest room in my contacts and full face of makeup.

 

The door was unlocked the next morning but I feel strangely violated by the events of that night. He's never broken anything out of anger, I feel like I was denied basic human rights, he kept me away from my things and now all he can say is he's sorry and that he's pissed at me too. He's said mean things before and gaslighted me frequently, mostly when he's drunk, but I'm starting to think this is a roller coaster that I no longer want to ride. I don't know if I'm being overdramatic or not, my therapist thinks he's a jerk and doesn't like the way he treats me, but I thought I'd see what y'all think too.

[Arieswoman]

SYH,

I am very curious to know what, exactly, you are getting out of being in this marriage?

[SaveYourHeart]

My therapist asked me the same question. I'm not really sure, there are a couple of things that keep me from leaving. I'm co-dependent, we live a financially comfortable life, I worry about what happens to him if I leave, sometimes we do have fun together.. the unknown frightens me. But emotionally I just get a lot of hurt out of the marriage. My therapist told me that I sound like I'm miserable and it makes her sad because she doesn't know how I hold onto the little bit of chipper-ness I have left.

[SaveYourHeart]

Stability maybe?

[Arieswoman]

SYH,

I'm not sure what you mean by "stability" when everything you have described demonstrates a very unstable, unpredictable relationship?

 

I think you need to work with your therapist and address your concerns to them. The situation you are describing and the advice you need is, I believe, beyond the scope of anyone on this board.

 

I'm sorry.

[CC12]

I'm laughing* at him accusing you of being a "professional victim" after he followed you around the house to instigate a heated argument that you didn't want to participate in, then drunkenly tried to break the door down when you tried to get away from him screaming at you, then denied you of your basic needs by locking you out of your room for the night. You are a victim, and not a "professional victim" as he called you, as if you're fabricating abuse or exaggerating for attention or whatever. You are a real, true victim of his very clear abuse toward you. Him accusing you of that allows him to not take responsibility for his behavior and instead pretend like you're making it up. It's not okay.

 

You're not being over-dramatic. If anything, you actually downplay his gross behaviors. It wasn't just that "he threatened to bust the door down and subsequently cracked it with his fist" like those are two separate behaviors independent of one another. He intentionally tried to break the ****ing door down when you tried to get away from him. The way you worded that kind of softens it.

 

Is your relationship good when he's not drinking, or is he always like this? How would things be if he didn't drink? How does he feel about stopping?

 

 

 

*Not actually laughing. It's not funny at all.

Edited June 23, 2017 by CC12
Not sure why there's a smiley as the header of my post. I did not intend for that to be there but couldn't get rid of it.

[CC12]

I took a peek through your post history, OP, and it answered some of my questions. I have other advice now.

 

You need to leave, sorry to say. His alcoholism is a problem that he's tried and failed to overcome, and he doesn't seem to be willing to get professional help, which he needs. If it makes it easier, you don't need to start divorce proceedings or anything right away, but you need to be away from him right now. You can't be around a person who acts like that. It's just not safe.

 

I don't know if you can say, "I know he'd never actually hit me." I hope you can. But this thing he did, where he tried to break down the door to get to you really concerns me. That is really frightening behavior. He was so irate that he was unable to control himself. You were his target that night.

 

Because he cannot control himself when he drinks, the anger that he takes out on you could get worse. It can escalate very easily.

 

In your other thread, you seemed really excited about Al-anon. I think you should start attending again. Consider attending in some capacity for a long time, because you have something in you that allows you to choose men with substance abuse (and probably other) problems and accept those problems. I'm glad you're already seeing a therapist, and the fact that your therapist encourages you to leave him says a lot. I think they normally try to remain pretty neutral?

 

So do you know anyone who will let you stay with them for a couple of weeks? You can kind of monkey-bar your way out of this situation. Stay with a friend/family member for a couple of weeks while you find your own place, maybe with some roommates temporarily, after that you can sign a short lease on an apartment for yourself, etc. All the while, you can keep in minimal contact with your ex, and maybe if you see that he puts serious work into his sobriety and gets professional help for it, and actually stays sober for, what, like 6 months or a year? Then maybe you can consider getting back with him.

 

Even if that happens, you have to know that his alcoholism is not over. It's something he will have to work on for the rest of his life, and there is a very real possibility of him relapsing at any time, just like any other addict. You have to be prepared for that to be in your life in the future.

 

But I suspect that if you do decide to leave just for now, not going straight to officially separating or starting a divorce, but just getting stable on your own and having your own place, your own life for six months, then you'll see that it's not impossible to do by yourself and that you don't really need him at all and life is better without him. This is what I hope will happen for you.

[SaveYourHeart]

Thank you for both of your responses, the stability isn't emotional stability, but financial and the fact that he owns his house. I've turned into a creature of habit and I'm comfortable where I live, change is terrifying, but hopefully I'll be able to overcome that.

 

CC12 - I do have an emergency plan, a friend (who actually runs a women's shelter) that I can stay with for as long as I need to. I'm actually going to buy a camper and live in it, it'll be cheap and easy, I don't have to battle with realtors about my "bully breed" dog, it'll be a home that is mine and that can't be taken away from me. Plus, I get the benefit of living anywhere I want. My parents are supportive of whatever I decide, it's just hard to pull the trigger.

 

I'm glad y'all don't think I'm being overdramatic, I question myself a lot because he thinks it's not that big of a deal. My gut said it was but my heart said it's okay because you love him, maybe you're blowing things out of proportion.

[meta.morphate]

You're not being over-dramatic. If anything, you actually downplay his gross behaviors. It wasn't just that "he threatened to bust the door down and subsequently cracked it with his fist" like those are two separate behaviors independent of one another. He intentionally tried to break the ****ing door down when you tried to get away from him. The way you worded that kind of softens it.

 

 

This was my reaction too. I think this is a serious situation, definitely emotional/psychological abuse that is already turning physical (hitting the door is just a step away from hitting you - or hurting you with some inanimate object, maybe not even intentionally, but as a result of acting out physically).

And on top of that - this is all about nothing! About abortion?! It's not even about anything pertaining to your relationship or your day or your own interactions. He just wanted to fight.

 

 

I hope you're able to follow through with your plan. I want to recommend a book that I read about in another post on this site called "Why Does He Do That" because its been very informative and there is a helpful section about leaving your abuser - and as CC12 suggested, and the book discusses, you don't have to do it all at once. Do what you can, what's manageable, first.

[SaveYourHeart]

Thank you, I'll definitely look into that book. It drives me crazy that we argue over things that have nothing to do with us or our relationship. It's funny, he was mad at me after the incident for not being able to "discuss things that we have differing opinions on" (insert eyeroll here). He was even more upset with me when I told him that he needs to respect my decision not to talk about things that I don't want to talk about. It's ridiculous, but I'm squirreling some money away so that I can leave when I'm ready, hopefully that book will help me get to that point.

[Bastile]

If that's just a Monday night for you... no. You aren't being dramatic.

 

It's toxic. It won't last. And the sooner you get out, the better you'll be.

 

Btw, you're therapist calling him "a jerk" is just daft. A supposed "jerk" doesn't answer some phone calls, or something silly like that. Whilst this does sound quite badly toxic.

[spiderowl]

However your husband was before, he is now abusive. His behaviour was provocative and cruel. It may be drink that is making him like this, but whatever it is you don't have to put up with it. In fact, if you continue to put up with this, you are effectively condoning his behaviour.

 

As the other poster said, what are you getting out of this relationship? It does not sound as if you are getting love, kindness, support or respect. What is there left?

 

Do not think he will change. Alcoholics do not change until they choose to themselves. A friend of mine married twice and twice his wives left him. He died recently due to destroyed liver. Both his wives tried to get him to give up drink but he would not/could not. Please do not wait around hoping for improvement here; it's downhill all the way now unless he chooses to change.

Edited June 27, 2017 by spiderowl