I know too much

[Driver08]

Well, we've all heard that curiosity killed the cat and it's certainly gotten the best of me. I have been dating my girlfriend for over 6 months now. She just moved in with me last week. I love her very much. However, I carry with me a lot of insecurity because of her contact with her ex-boyfriend. She has always been guarded about what she tells me about their relationship. It actually ended about 6 months ago and they dated for about 7. When he found out she was dating me he left a love letter and note on her car desperately asking her back. She declined his offer after which he disappeared for awhile and threatened to kill himself. She felt bad for him then but told me about what was going on. We had only been dating a month when that happened. I thought that would be the end of him, but it wasn't.

 

She continued to have contact with him over the next few months without me knowing. I know that she would eat lunch at the restaurant he worked at. A few things I do know about their relationship is that they fought a lot and that his father passed away while they were dating. The ex even hit her on two occasions. They had been friends for over a year before they dated. Anyway, his mom passed away in April and I think that started them talking more. All the while I thought he was out of the picture. I caught her going over to his workplace one time and it caused a bad fight and that's when my insecurity really began. She said she was sorry for going over there but that she had to drop something off for him having to do with her work. Then she said she was going to tell him not to call anymore since I didn't like it. She also said she never loved him and that they were much better at being friends than lovers. Well, the contact continued anyway. After his mom's death I noticed my girlfriend going out with friends about two nights a week and sometimes staying the night with them. Sometimes she would tell me who she was out with, but sometimes I would not even ask. She was cheated on in one previous relationship and it was devastating to her- so I doubt she would inflict that pain onto me since she knows how it feels.

 

Well, this went on for a couple months and my anxiety reached new highs. I started to not want to eat and lost about 10 pounds. I knew something was up- I never got invited out with her and her friends and she would always say she wasn't sure what they were going to do before they went out. I felt distance between us although she was basically already living with me. I finally had enough. We decided to break up because she felt I was too suffocating and because she needed more time with her "friends" and was "confused". I was ready to move on, but very sad. After less than 48 hours she found herself missing me immensely. She said that every part of her body was telling her that we made the wrong decision and asked if I would take her back. So I did. This was about two months ago. Everything has been much better since.

 

However, my anxiety remains. She gave me the password to her email. I didn't want to pry into it, but I did. I found her phone bills from June and July. Lots of calls to and from the ex, especially right before and when we were broken up. Then after we got back together the calls taper off. But then one night that she was out with "friends" there were about 5 or 6 calls to and from him. These friend nights have been few and far between lately but when they come up I just assume she's going to see him out. Then, the other night we actually see him out. He comes up to me and hits me softly in the shoulder but doesn't say anything. My girlfriend and I leave immediately. He calls her a couple minutes later. I make her answer it and they talk for a minute. Then her and I get in another big fight about why he hasn't disappeared yet. She said she can't control his behavior and that they haven't been talking at all lately. A couple days later she tells me that he sent her an email telling her he wasn't going to call anymore because he just started dating someone. I don't know whether to believe her or not. I don't check her email or phone anymore because I don't want to find anything that will hurt me. The only interesting thing I found when I did check her email was a message from about a month ago telling him that she wanted to give his letterjacket back to him.

 

So I have chosen to believe her. Should I? Or is she just saying that he won't be calling anymore to relieve my anxiety about him? She doesn't know that I know he has been a much bigger part of her life than she was telling me. I love her very much but the past deception still bothers me. She appears as devoted to me as ever when I'm with her. My friends tell me to just drop the subject of the ex and go forward. Yet she has told others that she still has feelings for him but not enough to be with him. She tells them also that she loves me very deeply. She moved all of her stuff back in last week and said she's very excited to be back in the house with me. Where from here?

[Craig]

For the time being accept her at her word but one more lie regarding her ex and I'd tell you to let her find what she really wants with someone else.

 

If she has a habit of lying to you about other things that has to change or again I'd advise you to kick her to the curb.

[thegoodhubbie]

Jesus Christ Guy, get out of this relationship. Anytime there is an ex in the picture like that it creates nothing but problems. Personally, I would not put up with that kind of crap. She either stops with this guy totally and commits to you or you leave.

 

Don't let her play games with you.

 

Good luck

[Driver08]

I certainly understand what you guys are saying. But, given that the relationship is only 6 months old I find myself wanting to buy into some advice given previously on this board by Lucreziaborgia. She says to one of the posters in a similar situation:

 

"Getting over an ex is hard - the emotional bonds with an ex that you still share unresolved romantic issues with are stronger than the bond that you have with a person in a brand new relationship. You feel you know the ex better, they know you better than the new person does ... you don't want to lose the new person, and you know you and the ex are just tying up loose ends - so, you continue to see the ex behind the new person's back. Eventually, the ex and the guy will move on away from each other and your relationship with him begins to deepen and mature over time. He puts this 'ex' behind him as a terrible but necessary mistake and focuses his attention, time and commitment on you."

 

Now this was posted to a female obviously but I think that it applies to my situation too. She has known her ex for 3 years even though they only dated for about 7 months. She also lives with me, and she's never lived with any boyfriend before. Am I grasping at straws here? Lately she's been talking engagement and marriage too. What do I make of this? Any advice is appreciated.

[Cecelius]

The only thing certain is that your g/f wasn't your g/f before -- she was his almost-ex girlfriend.

 

You let the relationship progress too fast given her break-up (even without the shady behavior, you are rebound-bound).

 

She should not have moved in with you -- you have just lost your independence, and your ability to step away from an unfortunate situation. What happens when he starts calling her at your house?

 

The only thing for you to evaluate is (1) despite the shady history, NOW that she MIGHT be your g/f and not his, do you still want her (2) recognize that she was leading him on for a while when you came on the scene -- are you prepared for this to be done to you?

 

I think she still needs to qualify herself more. Feelings are great but if they are centered on someone who hasn't proven themselves worthy, they are wasted.