Is Today A Good Day To Check Out Of This Life?

[harleygirl92156]

It has been six months since D day. After talking to the OW again last night, I really feel like checking out today. It seems hopeless that he could ever change, although I see he is trying. Trying and being able to do something is two different things. I have no faith in him.

 

I don't know how to cope anymore, more information keeps coming out and showing me how he made a complete fool of me and I had blinders on and didn't see it at all. He even took me to a garage party where approx. 12 people were there and SHE was one of them. Why? So she could sit and make fun of me behind my back all night. I had no frickin' clue. That is just one of many times he purposely flaunted her in front of me without me knowing what was up. What a creep.

 

She said he told her he didn't want to fall in love and he didn't want anything long term, he just like to keep something fun on the side to cut the bordem. Now this is a man who swears to me this was the only affair he had during our 12 year marriage. FAT CHANCE! He won't tell me a thing, all the information I have has come from her. He will validate when I confront him, so I know she is being honest, but he won't volunteer anything. So much for honesty.

 

Things were going good, I should have never talked to her again, but I just feel I have a right to know what went on behind my back while I was being made a fool.

 

I just want the pain to stop!!!!! Checking out looks VERY good today!

[Outcast]

That some moron has mistreated you is no reason to quit on life. If anybody should leave it, it's him.

 

Do NOT let that man throw your life away like that. Call a suicide hotline right away. In a year from now, you'll be overjoyed that you did not let this inconsiderate excuse for a man suck so much life out of you that you wanted to throw the rest of it away.

[Mz. Pixie]

Harleygirl,

 

Even though you've had alot of anger directed towards me before because I've been the OW before I wanted to respond.

 

This woman is so below you it's hilarious. First of all, you should not have called her- it only dug up more pain for you. Second of all, why do you believe what she says? Talking to her only put more doubts in your mind. Why would you want to do that?? Self punishment??

 

If full disclosure is what you need to move on then insist on it from him. He MUST give you that for closure. Then, if you want the marriage to work, believe him. Quit double checking what he says and go on faith. Don't let anyone else tell you anything negative. The problem is you keep digging and you keep disliking what you find.

 

Yes, he should have been completely honest with you. It was wrong for him not to be but it does genuinely sound like he's wanting to work on the marriage. You've got to decide if you're going to stay. If you are, then quit doing this to yourself and to him. If not, then get ready and go.

 

You have no reason to kill yourself. You didn't do it when you found out about the A- why would you want to do it now? Get some help, please and quit doing this to yourself!

[lynnspies1]

DO NOT give him the satisfaction that he had that much control over your life. The best revenge is to be happy, get away from him, start over, move on, but do not let a scum bag dictate the terms of your life.

 

It will get better and if you need help call someone, if I lived by you I would come over and be with you. You need someone that can help you right now, a friend, a family member, get on the phone and make a call.

 

Please, don't let him get to you like this.

 

Lynn

[harleygirl92156]

I didn't "call" her, she contacted me on messenger. I have no reason to doubt what she says, she hasn't lied to me yet, he has a million times.

 

It has gotten worse as time has gone on. One day I feel like I can accept it and move on and the next the pain returns with a vengence. I am just tired, tired of the pain. My heart hurts!

 

I hate him, I love him. What the hell kind of a life is that to look forward to. I can live with him and spend the rest of my life wondering or I can live without him and have that pain. What a choice, no choice as I see it.

 

He won't talk about it, too painful for him to have to remember....poor frickin' baby!!! We wouldn't want him to feel any pain now would we, he has been through enough already what with the alcoholism and all. I should just be thankful he is sober. Well he should be thankful I am even here. I don't have anything to be thankful for. I could care less if he is sober. He is still a lying, cheating, selfish arshole who only looks after his needs and could care less about me unless he needs food or his underwear washed.

 

He puts on a good ACT for his counselors and he will continue until everyone lets their guard down, then it will be back to the same ole same ole.

 

It is like I live with two different people and it just isn't worth it people.

[harleygirl92156]

I am tired of being on the verge of tears ALL the time. I am on anti-depressants, but that isn't the problem. Pills are not going to fix this.

[lynnspies1]

I took the pills to, I think they helped but there came a time when I had to deal with things on my own. I must have cried gallons of tears, I think there was a time when I had none left to cry. My husband had two different affairs in 15 years of marriage. I have no idea if things will work out between us or not. I do know that I will not be treated like a second class citizen again. I can only console my behavior and work on my attitude. As my sister says work on your side of the street and keep it clean.

 

Lynn

[Outcast]

Dump the jerk and start over. Many many many women have done so. Yes, it takes work and effort but it will be SO worth it. Leave or throw him out. Do it today. Change the locks and the phone number. And PLEASE call your local suicide help line. The problem with being in pain is you think it won't ever end but it will. IT WILL!!!

 

Peel off this louse, throw him in the trash where he belongs, and go on to live a great life. You can do this.

[harleygirl92156]

My side of the street is clean and has been since the day we married. I have done not one thing to deserve this kind of treatment. What good does it do to be good and moral and respect your vows? You only get it thrown in your face. What is the point.......there is none!!!

[Outcast]

Look. He's a jerk. Just because he throws it in your face doesn't mean you deserved it. It means that he is a jerk. So you made a mistake and picked the wrong guy. We've all picked the wrong person once or twice - some of us even more. You don't stay in the mud with him. You pull your butt out of there and ditch him because he is NOT WORTH you. He doesn't deserve you. So get rid of him and find a decent man.

[dresden]

Harleygirl, you said in a post to someone else how to work on trust and forgiveness issues with a cheater. I printed it out and read it to my husband and he thought it was very wise.

 

I am so sorry that someone with your great heart and soul still feels so hopeless. I know exactly what you are going through and how you feel. I am right there with you. My cheating husband makes promise after promise, breaks them, then I do something crazy and hate myself and give him something to criticize in me.

 

You and I have to try to rise above this crap. It is sooooo hard because there are so many complex emotions going on - love, familiarity, hope, hate, bitterness, deep sadness.

 

Harleygirl, hold my hand right now. You and I can do something else with our lives. I am thinking of going to nursing school. I am thinking of moving to another city with a dear friend and starting over. I am thinking of locking him out of my life. I am thinking of taking control back.

 

But to end it all over a coward is pointless. I know, I want the pain to end too. I keep digging around too and finding out more painful stuff.

 

If we end it all, you and me, we let these f*ckers and their whores win. Lynnspies is right - the best revenge is to be happy. Try to find one positive step you can make for the future and private message me if you want.

 

I am going to mapquest a route from Boston to Seattle to see my best friend. That is my positive step for today. I also will look at local nursing schools.

 

Take one tiny positive step for your future right now, whatever it is. Call a friend too. I called people I know in a social way and they have all been supportive and loving to me.

 

Don't give up on YOU! Give up on HIM.

[Ladyjane14]

Sweetie, what can you be thinking? An alcoholic, cheating, man is just NOT worth all that pain.

 

If you need to take a break from the relationship...then why not take it? There comes a point at which a person can only do the best they can do. You may have reached a point where you need to tend to YOURSELF. You're the only one who can say when that point is reached.

 

He seems very wrapped up in doing what's best for him. But who's looking out for you? I don't think you can count on him....down as he is...to act in your best interests.

 

Be your own best friend here, okay? And take the good advice you'd give to another. What if it was your friend who told this story to you? What would you tell her?

 

It's great to put yourself out there, and take some emotional risks....when you're feeling STRONG. But when you're not, you've got to circle the wagons, and look out for YOU.

[harleygirl92156]

But who's looking out for you?

 

No one, that is the point. Alone and in more pain than I have ever experienced in my life. I am tired of looking out for and taking care of myself. I just want someone to love me the way I need to be loved and deserve to be loved. I have tried twice and not up for trying again, what is the point, I will just get hurt again. I don't have the energy to move on or fight the pain anymore.

 

Thanks for all the advice. I know it is all true, but I guess to be honest I don't have the umpf to care.

[Outcast]

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org (United States)

Managed by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA)

1-800-273-TALK (8255)

 

National Hopeline Network, http://www.hopeline.com (United States)

Managed by the Kristin Brooks Hope Center

1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)

 

 

I will just get hurt again

 

This is not true. This is Depression talking and Depression is an evil liar. Don't listen. Please call a help line.

[brashgal]

He puts on a good ACT for his counselors and he will continue until everyone lets their guard down, then it will be back to the same ole same ole.

 

It is like I live with two different people and it just isn't worth it people.

 

I spent three years in and out of marriage counseling, individual counseling, hearing bits and pieces of sordid stories about his activities from others - this so fully describes my ex, I'm getting tired and depressed just thinking about what you are going through.

 

I don't think that habitual deceivers like your husband can be rehabilitated. You'll just continue to rip the scabs off again and again - it wears you out. Killing yourself is not the answer. You need to remove yourself from the situation and build a new life.

 

I know it sounds exhausting but you can do it in baby steps. Reread dresden's advice. Call the hotlines Outcast provided. Keep posting. There are many people posting here who have been through this and have come out happily on the other side. It will take time but I know you can do it.

[whichwayisup]

Reach out as much as you can. Don't isolate yourself. Even if that means going for a walk, talking to some neighbours so you don't feel alone - It will help.

 

Do you talk to a therapist? If not, it could be time. Summer is here but moving TOO fast...Around the corner is fall and winter...Which unfortunately many people can suffer S.A.D. It always begins end of September, early October as the light changes and we set the clocks back an hour. I don't know where you live, but please be aware of S.A.D! With what you're feeling now, it will only magnify if you don't get some help.

[Ladyjane14]

Sounds like you're really getting down into a depression. Why not make an appointment with your doctor for a depression screening?

 

I know everything looks pretty bleak, from your current vantage-point....but please remember that this perspective is temporary.

 

Time heals. It really does. If you'll just hold on....time will do it's magic, and your perspective will change.

[NiceGuyMojo]

hey HG, a close friend of mine went throgh the exact same thing and am now going through with it myself. No day is good to check out from life. I guess I'm a procrastonator saying i'll do it tomorrow.... What my friend told me is NO other person is ever worth it by causing harm to yourself or another.

[Trimmer]

Harley, you said:

 

It is like I live with two different people and it just isn't worth it...

 

Don't forget the other person who's always there - yourself. The one person you can always count on, the person whose feelings, thoughts, and motives you can always be sure of. The person who truly gives you strength. Don't write that person off.

 

Tell us some of the positive things about your life before this guy, and about how long ago was that?

[harleygirl92156]

Thank you everyone for the replies. I will be OK. I decided not to give him the satisfaction of checking out so he can move on and have a happy life. I instead will be moving on to a happier life. I was at the bottom of my pitty pot and just had to swim back to the top and dump the sucker out so I could see clearly what I need to do for me.

Tomorrow I see the attorney.

[Marshbear32]

If you feel you can't talk to anyone else about your pain then tell us because we WILL listen. Many times you just need someone to tell your heart to and we can provide that service. Hopefully you will realize that the man you love is not worth your tears and hurt. You deserve better and you should demand better. Get him out of your life so your life can become that person you created for.

 

Keep posting when you are down and want to give up. It helps and we are very good listeners. Your life will get better but you have to give it the time to do so. We care....

[whichwayisup]

Originally posted by Marshbear32

If you feel you can't talk to anyone else about your pain then tell us because we WILL listen. Many times you just need someone to tell your heart to and we can provide that service. Hopefully you will realize that the man you love is not worth your tears and hurt. You deserve better and you should demand better. Get him out of your life so your life can become that person you created for.

 

Keep posting when you are down and want to give up. It helps and we are very good listeners. Your life will get better but you have to give it the time to do so. We care....

 

I'm with Marsh on this one too. There are many on here who truely DO care and want to help.

 

As much as it hurts, ask yourself "What am I getting out of this? What good is he bringing ME." Really dig down and think about this. Is he worth it? Love hurts, but not all the time.

[LoveNoLoss]

last Fall after finding out about my husband's 7th affair while we were married, I was sitting on the kitchen floor thinking about the bottle of Xanax that was upstairs near my bed. I seriously thought about downing them because I was in so much pain.

 

It took way too long for my husband to come out with the the truth and it ultimatly almost did me in. However, almost a year later, I am doing much better. I use to have constant pain but now it's just random. Some days are better than others. One thing is for sure Harley, your life is not worth that ***holes. No way..... I am sorry because I know what it is like to love someone with every bone in your body. I did but it got killed. I also realize he could have killed me due to unprotected sex with random ppl. So, I didn't need any help by thinking of suicide.

 

YOU WILL GET OVER THIS and you will one day find someone that respects you and doesn't feel a sense of entitlement towards other women. I worry that you might be with a Narcissist. Look it up on the internet. These people can not be cured. PERIOD. There is something lacking in their brains and it's called guilt, remorse, and empathy. You are either born with it or not but from what you are telling me, I would at least take a shot at checking out Narcissism on the internet.

 

Please keep us updated and if you want to PM me, please feel free to do so. I know what you are going through...

 

((((HUGS))))

[dresden]

HG, I was away from the computer all weekend but I was thinking about you.

 

I am glad that you have chosen life.

 

Seeing the attorney will be huge for you, honey. You will get a sense of power and control about your situation. You will see some possibilities for the future.

 

Tell your cheater to F*** OFF! It's all about you now. What's going to be good for HarleyGirl? Where will she want to live? What things will she be able to do once he's gone? Maybe she'll take ballroom dancing lessons, or go back to school and find a great new career. Maybe she'll dye her hair pink!

 

And he's stupid. I have seen a divorce up close and it is NOT pretty. One thing for sure, financially he will suffer. Some people say it shouldn't be about $$$, but let's face it - you want to make him pay, and he should for what he did to you.

 

So keeping looking up. Do you have a journal? Even if you just draw pictures or write angry words, it will help. Talk to everyone you know. I thought I was an isolated stay-at-home mom until I began sharing with people. I have been told of many options now and I have been given so much support and caring.

 

And like MarshBear says, keep posting. People here really do care, I have found, and it has been great for me to vent and cry and receive their kindness in return.

 

Have you looked at personal ads yet? NOT TO MAKE A DATE - I don't think that's a good idea, but just to see what's out there. In the beginning of my discoveries, I looked around and felt reassured that there are plenty of single men out there. But don't make a date with any of them, because some of them are liars.

 

I am thinking about you today. Stay cool and hip, baby.

[harleygirl92156]

The last thing I want to do is think about dating. I will spend the rest of my life taking care of ME, spending time with my kids and grandkids and traveling with my mother and my female friends. No men, not ever, ever again.