Is Today A Good Day To Check Out Of This Life?

[Outcast]

I decided not to give him the satisfaction of checking out so he can move on and have a happy life.

 

I'm so happy to hear this

 

I instead will be moving on to a happier life. I was at the bottom of my pitty pot and just had to swim back to the top and dump the sucker out so I could see clearly what I need to do for me.

 

That is great! There will be times when you'll feel gloomy about it but when it gets to you, come vent on LS and people will support you. Congratulations on choosing life

[dresden]

"No men, not ever, ever again."

 

Good for you, HG! No more wet towels on the bed, no more unreasonable food demands, no more dirty laundry of his to wash, no more letting him control the TV, no more CRAP!

 

When you get past the pain, you will see a whole world open up to you. Find your rainbow!

 

I send you a hug too.

[Ladyjane14]

Sweetie, I'm glad you're doing better.

 

But I have to tell you....I've been reading your posts for a couple of months now, and I'm VERY concerned for you. You seem to have a tendancy to take responsibility for your husband's choices....chiefly in your response to his alcoholism.

 

He WILL try to manipulate you again. You've given him alot of latitude and understanding in the past. He'll expect that kind of 'support' again. He'll tell you that he's 'in treatment', and that everything will get better, and probably whatever else he can think of to change your mind.

 

I think you're in a place where you realize that perhaps you were enabling him, at least in regards to his relationship with you. He could pretty much count on the fact that you'd be waiting for him at home.....no matter what he did.

 

And he could always say, "I was drunk, and I didn't know what I was doing", or "I was drunk, and I can't remember the details".

 

But that's NO EXCUSE. If he drove drunk, and had an accident while under-the-influence, he would still be responsible. And always, ALWAYS, he has had a responsibility to YOU as well. I never could see what part of the twelve-step program he was ostensibly following, that allowed him to hide his infidelity and evade his duty as a husband to you.

 

You are not a bad person for calling him on it. You never were.

 

I hope you'll continue to explore the resources available at Al Anon. I would hate to think that you embark on this journey without the specific support they can provide to you in dealing with this situation.

 

It's probably going to be REALLY tough on you, at least for awhile, to let him go. But I think, like most things....it'll get better over time. Time is a GREAT healer.

 

If it helps you at all, I think that you're completely justified in the decision you've made. You stuck for longer than most people would have. That's my opinion, anyhow. Personally, I'd have dumped him the minute he refused to elaborate on the details, and then hid behind his counselor.

[harleygirl92156]

 

Good for you, HG! No more wet towels on the bed, no more unreasonable food demands, no more dirty laundry of his to wash, no more letting him control the TV, no more CRAP

 

Sorry, he never did ANY of those things. Drank once a month (enough alcohol for an entire month in one night). The only problem we have is the infidelity and the handling of it.

 

I talked to my sponsor and decided not to see the attorney yet. We are meeting with him & his sponsor tonight to see if there can be a resolution, if not my sponsor will see me through what I need to do and I know I will have the support of my fellow al anon's and my Mother, family and close friends. I know I will be ok either way.

 

I ask God for help yesterday in taking away the pain and within two hours my sponsor called me and we talked it through. Just after that my husband called me and told me he wanted to do whatever it took to keep us together. I know you will say he is manipulating me, and he may be trying, but the difference is I am aware of it so it can't happen.

 

I think his fear is so high he just can't say the words, but realize he is going to have to and needs support while he does and that doesn't hurt. I will have support too.

 

I did enable him with the alcohol, but never looked at my enabling him in the relationship, but you are right, I did. THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH FOR POINTING THAT OUT TO ME. It really helped me look at MY actions, reactions and motives. I am much stronger today and I will be ok, no matter what!

[New_Wife]

Harley,

 

You need IC. Period.

 

Alanon is a wonderful live-saving program, and I reccomend it wholeheartedly, but it is not the only help you need right now. As you know, the 12-steps in now way prohibit outside help as it is needed.

 

Suicide is not an option. It is selfish & it is cruel. You leave in your wake a legacy of devestated loved ones (children, grandchildren, friends) and you then make it an option for all those you leave behind. You start the trend, or family tradition, as it were.

 

Living in the hell that has been your marriage - there's virtually no way you could escape without some measure of depression. Mother Theresa would be poppin' prozak like tic-tacs in your situation. And while I commend you for trying to be so stoic - enough. The martyr halo is much too tight for the average mortal.

 

I highly suggest you quit making excuses to take care of yourself. Hiding behind a bad marriage and crappy hubby is not doing you any good. What have you done for YOU lately? Anything? Let me guess, your hair is direly in need of a trim or color, your nails are bitten down and look like crap, your wardrobe is older than any pet you own, and your undies and shoes are all terribly practical. Your idea of a pedicure involves clippers that were born in the 90's over the toilet, and dinner out involves a drive-thru.

 

Why????

 

Please, Babygirl, Please start taking care of yourself NOW. Go to a counselor. Accept any suggestions/medication offered to speed up your healing. It's not a character defect - good grief - no one could take that load without breaking somewhere. Write down 10 things you'd like to do just for you, and start doing them! Carry that checklist with you everyday & start formulating a plan to get it done.

 

If your marriage works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. But define yourself.

 

(DISCLAIMER: I am a bipolar previously suicidal recovering addict, divorced from a non-recovering addict, who was a serial cheater - I've been there)

[harleygirl92156]

Let me guess, your hair is direly in need of a trim or color, your nails are bitten down and look like crap, your wardrobe is older than any pet you own, and your undies and shoes are all terribly practical. Your idea of a pedicure involves clippers that were born in the 90's over the toilet, and dinner out involves a drive-thru.

 

 

Sorry, but your soooo very wrong with this one. My hair is permed and highlighted and always styled. My nails are long and the polish nearly always matches my clothes. I am tan, fit and look damn good for a 50 year old grandma! My clothes are new and stylish, I even wear hipster jeans and I look GOOD in them, size 6! My undies are mostly thongs and my bras are lacy and match my thongs. I just had a pedicure on Saturday and I just came home from dinner out in a high end resturant. So on this point you are very, very off base. I can send you a picture if you wish so you can see I am not kidding!

 

I am in Al anon, individual counseling, marriage counseling and I take and anti-depressant. My family doctor is aware of the entire situation and monitors me closely. Monday he increased my dosage a little. So I am taking care of myself, just having a difficult time. I do not make excuses for my husband and hold him totally responsible for his actions as does he. I just don't have the capacity to work through this alone and I don't have to, but before I leave, I WILL make sure that is what I want and that doing so will make my life happier.

 

I am sorry you have gone though the same thing, as I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy! It is hell, but other people, men an women go through it and manage to come out the other side better for it whether they stay or leave their partner. That today is my goal.

[Outcast]

Your idea of a pedicure involves clippers that were born in the 90's over the toilet

 

And your problem with that is?

[beverly]

so so sorryyou are going through all this pain, i took an overdose a couple of weeeks ago because i couldnt see my ex get hurt any more i was trying to look out for him and not my self,

 

he left me on the 4june started a relationship with neighbour (emontional affair for 3mths before he left) but when they fell out i was there fo him but after a few days she started contacting him again , we were talking about how much pain he had caused me and the family he apoligised but then when contact started again with female he knew he would loose my friedship so instead of watching out for me i was trying to help him which i tried to kill my self ,

 

he spent the day trying to find me and actually saved me, but thinks that i caused him so much pain he went straight back to female friend into relationship with her,

 

so im now learning to say no me first and kids, he wont even talk to me and doesnt or wont belive that i actually did any thing, and hates me for this so iknow how you are feeling ,

 

be strong for you and the kids if you wish to stay in relationship please look after your self first , dont stay because you feel sorry or dont want to be on your own ther are lots of support out there ,

 

im in the uk and i found this and other websites that have helped me a lot,

 

take care please

[New_Wife]

Originally posted by harleygirl92156

Sorry, but your soooo very wrong with this one. My hair is permed and highlighted and always styled. My nails are long and the polish nearly always matches my clothes. I am tan, fit and look damn good for a 50 year old grandma! My clothes are new and stylish, I even wear hipster jeans and I look GOOD in them, size 6! My undies are mostly thongs and my bras are lacy and match my thongs. I just had a pedicure on Saturday and I just came home from dinner out in a high end resturant. So on this point you are very, very off base. I can send you a picture if you wish so you can see I am not kidding!

 

 

Good for you!!! So you haven't really given up on yourself, you're just in a spot that sucks. I absolutely believe you that you look great & I hope you continue to as well. With all of that going for you, seems to me that you'll be just fine whether you keep the bozo or not.

[passing through]

Just read all these posts and wanted to add that what the OW tells you is HER version, HER perception of things. She will embellish it all, add romantic fantasy to it, make it seem more than it was because to do less would make her feel like she was just a piece of a$$, because that how she feels right now, like she was just a piece. What do you think motivates her to want to share her experiences with your husband with you on the phone? Your well being?

 

Let her alone now. To keep talking with her is to keep inflicting unnecessary pain on yourself, her truth is distorted and colored by her own feelings. Haven't you given up enough of your self-esteem to her already? You have gotten enough info from her, now, stay away from her. Don't talk to her anymore. It's better.

 

Concentrate on YOU, your life, what makes you feel happy, go back to doing the things that once brought you peace. Take them up again.

 

Someone told me this at lunch today: We are all puzzles with many pieces. Sometimes a piece just doesn't fit. You can throw it away and say, hey, it doesn't fit and doesn't belong in the puzzle, or you can waste alot of time trying to pound it into place.

[harleygirl92156]

Well I must finally be on the right track, or at least I feel like I am.

 

I sent and email to the OW just last night and told her I no longer wished to correspond with her. I told he it was like pouring salt in an open wound. Then I put a block on all her message, closed the email account and got a new one with a new email address. I deleted all her email and do not have her email address saved anywhere. I figure this out on my own, so I feel pretty spiffy today. It was like a closure.