Turning the tables [after an affair]

[Overtaxed]

I'm sorry man, but your wife is full of crap. Full of prime USDA american bull-****. Her holding back had nothing to do with your not being emotionally open. That is pure 100% cheater-speak and rewriting history. She is still holding the OM to a higher opinion than you, instead of acknowledging him for the lowdown dirty rat that he was. Do you not see what she is doing? She is comparing you to him.

 

She is still making b.s. excuses and you are still buying into them.

 

I agree on the first point, I don't know why she was holding back, but I don't think that was it. She's also said she was afraid of being hurt (emotionally, not physically) and a few other things, but, whatever, IDC so much why (unless the answer is; "I never found you sexually attractive") anymore. It's gone, water under the bridge, move on.

 

2nd part, what do you mean? Why do you think the OM is being held in high regard/comparing him to me? I don't feel that way, not anymore anyway; it's not like she's denying me things she gave to him anymore. I'm denying them to myself because I can't get out of the sexual rut I'm in. She's doing her part, I'm not doing mine.

[Try]

Every time that she gives you better sex than she has ever given you before, in the back of your mind you are thinking that after all these years with you, why did she sexually open with the other man first? The fact that it is such a legitimate question is what makes it so powerful. I am not sure what you should do, but that is one of the major issues.

[Overtaxed]

Every time that she gives you better sex than she has ever given you before, in the back of your mind you are thinking that after all these years with you, why did she sexually open with the other man first? The fact that it is such a legitimate question is what makes it so powerful. I am not sure what you should do, but that is one of the major issues.

 

Exactly this, that's exactly what I'm thinking.

[elaine567]

She did these things with the OM, and, obviously, there she was a willing partner, so, it's not like they are outside her lines, it's they are outside of the boundaries that she drew for our relationship..

 

YOU cannot assume anything, maybe but maybe not, maybe she wasn't that "willing" with him either, but saw it as part of the deal (emotional connection in exchange for sex) or she felt it was expected of her as a woman stepping out of her marriage, maybe he was just a forceful sort and she hated every minute of the sex. Who knows?.

Again she may have been just playing the part, being the person he wanted her to be.

What you now think was the toned down version may be her real drive, she may have been perfectly honest with you all along, You cannot really assume anything about the affair sex as you don't really know what she thought and felt.

What is glaringly obvious is that the two if you are not suited sexually and never have been.

YOU are both trying to be other people to better suit the other...

[bigman1]

Man, that is some real complicated stuff right there. I have found that sometimes complicated answers are needed to go around the difficult things; sort of a detour around the truth without denying the truth.

 

I think the bottom line answer ,is that your wife did stuff with the OM because she wanted to do it with him. This IS NOT to suggest that she desired him more, so DO NOT take it that way. She did not want to do it with you. It is her body and her choice and she made it. That is a hard pill to swallow. You can do the whole "we were inauthentic with each other" detour if you want, but that does not get you too far.

 

You can't become him, so stop trying. You did not, do not, will not, nor should not own her body anymore than she can yours. The problem is that you did "own" her fidelity. As a result, (1) what she shared with you, you expected that she would not share with anyone else and (2) what she denied you, you thought that she could never share with anyone else. Sadly, you were wrong, but that is infidelity for you.

 

Now, you have decided to accept the fact that she broke expectation #1 and R, but you realize that #2 has a whole different affect on your psyche. On this one, you can try as you will to rationalize it all you want, the fact is she always had the right to do with her body as she pleased and the bitter pill is that she did. You can't be more him, because that is not what caused this in the first place. It sucks, but she can't undo it and you are going to have to accept it in order to R.

 

Look at it this way, if there was a rational reason, you would be worse off because then you would have a measuring standard with which you could base feelings of inadequacy. Right now, your mind is creating standards that make you question yourself, but those standards are artificial and not fact based.

 

This is the hard part of swallowing the crap sandwich. sorry.

[Cephalopod]

I'm not sure that's exactly it. I want it to be true. If I thought it was true, I'd be all for it, it's always what I wanted for her and for us. I want to "absorb" that truth. It's how other women were with me, and it's what I "expected" from her when we got together. But it was never "her". Except in the A.

 

And this is probably because she saw you as long term, safe husband material and did not want you to think of her as a "bad girl", when in reality she does have a lot of bad girl in her. Most women actually do. Most women are far more sexual than they let on. That has been my experience.

 

Most people do put on airs and lie to each other in order to steer the outcome. She wanted to marry you, but she felt she needed to hold things back from you so you would not think she was cheap or lacking in morals.

 

You have heard this before and it is true: she put out for the OM and did things for him because he fed her ego, but also because she was not too concerned about his opinion of her, nor whether or not he was going to be a long-term relationship. She knew the affair had a shelf life. This affair was indeed based on sex and fantasy.... not reality.

 

Your WW needs to get her head out of her ass and acknowledge that she needs to stop holding those parts of herself back from you. She's your wife. You should be knowing her 100%, inside and out, all the ugly pimples and bad parts as well as all the good shiny stuff.

[Overtaxed]

YOU cannot assume anything, maybe but maybe not, maybe she wasn't that "willing" with him either, but saw it as part of the deal (emotional connection in exchange for sex) or she felt it was expected of her as a woman stepping out of her marriage, maybe he was just a forceful sort and she hated every minute of the sex. Who knows?.

Again she may have been just playing the part, being the person he wanted her to be.

What you now think was the toned down version may be her real drive, she may have been perfectly honest with you all along, You cannot really assume anything about the affair sex as you don't really know what she thought and felt.

What is glaringly obvious is that the two if you are not suited sexually and never have been.

YOU are both trying to be other people to better suit the other...

 

Fair enough, and I'm sure that was some of it; but, she willingly made that deal then; knowing that the sexual component was expected. Either way, doesn't much matter, she wasn't forced to do it; was it because she wanted to do that particular sexual act (any of them)? IDK. But she wanted to have sex, she did have sex, and he did not force her, so, I'm not sure what I'll gain delving into the depths of "how much did she want to do it".

 

She was absolutely playing the part, of that I have no doubt. The whole thing was her playing the part. Unless I don't know her at all, that wasn't who she really is; it's who she became to play this role. We all do this, shoot, this is probably the crux of my discussion here, I "played a part" to be her husband and now it seems like that wasn't the part that I needed to play. I didn't need to become someone else for her, I just needed to let her see more of me. But, either way, we all do this to varying degrees and my W is very good at it, she's great at determining what people need from her and giving it to them.

 

I know you said we're not well matched on my initial thread Elaine, and, while I do agree in some respects, I don't agree in all. Yes, my W has had some sexual hangups in the past. I have them right now, today, and she doesn't seem to anymore. Does that mean she should leave me? Or does that mean that I need to work on me, and work on trying to get back to a more authentic version of myself. I just don't think that the mythical "everything clicks" relationship exists, at least not long term. Sure, I've had girls I've dated that have worn me out in the bedroom. But then I watched 5X a day dwindle to 1X per day to 1X per week. Because, finding a woman who wants sex as much as I (or most men) do is near impossible. Yes, it does exist, it's not a unicorn. But it's about as rare as a reindeer walking down Collins Ave in Miami. I know, I've been through it enough to know that this is going to be an area where both partners have to compromise. So I don't accept that this is an impossible thing to work past. I want more sex than her, and we have issues in the bedroom. OK, yes, just like a huge percentage of other heterosexual couples out there, does that mean it can't be fixed and there's not compromise to be had? I hope not, because that means that my only likely outcome here is living as a bachelor.

[Cephalopod]

2nd part, what do you mean? Why do you think the OM is being held in high regard/comparing him to me? I don't feel that way, not anymore anyway; it's not like she's denying me things she gave to him anymore. I'm denying them to myself because I can't get out of the sexual rut I'm in. She's doing her part, I'm not doing mine.

 

Because she is still comparing the two of you, of how he made her feel compared to you. Or at least she was. Thing is it was all an illusion. The comparison is based on faulty data. It was all lies.

 

There should be no comparison. The OM was a dirt-bag piece of filth that she should hold in no higher regard than a turd in a toilet bowl.

[Overtaxed]

Because she is still comparing the two of you, of how he made her feel compared to you. Or at least she was. Thing is it was all an illusion. The comparison is based on faulty data. It was all lies.

 

There should be no comparison. The OM was a dirt-bag piece of filth that she should hold in no higher regard than a turd in a toilet bowl.

 

LOL, you know, despite my posting on a serious topic, I'm obviously in a good mood today, because you guys are cracking me up. I get all dour and serious when I post, and then a nugget like the above winds up in the thread and I can't help choking on my drink.

 

Hey, Cephalopod, don't hold back. Tell me how you really feel about the OM. (could not resist).

[Southern Sun]

Well, you've captured it perfectly Elaine.

 

What she said to me, she always felt closed off from during sex because I wasn't emotionally connecting with her, I'm doing that better, and that's making her feel more comfortable. It's a reasonable answer, but, my mind goes back to what you're saying; "if I was to be totally honest I am not so sure she is a truly willing partner now either. "

 

I'm not sure either. It's probably the biggest part of the issue that I can't seem to get past. She did these things with the OM, and, obviously, there she was a willing partner, so, it's not like they are outside her lines, it's they are outside of the boundaries that she drew for our relationship. So which was the "real her". It's almost like, looking back, we were both performing for the other. I was toning down my drive to meet what she was presenting, which was a toned down version of her drive. I knew she'd done things with OM that we hadn't done (I hated it, but I knew it). So there was obviously something there at some point. But, I let it go (which may have been a major mistake; I had "red flags" flashing everywhere in my mind about this 14 years ago, I pushed them down and moved forward anyway). But the "old her" in our relationship isn't the "old her" entirely, she's been the person she presented to the OM and the person she presents to me now before, just not in our relationship.

 

I do think there's some madonna/wh*re complex stuff going on here. Not from me, but from her. She wanted to present to me as nearly asexual to get respect, but that's not really who she is; or, if it is, it's only that way with me. Is this new found zeal who she really is? Somewhere in the middle? IDK. I also do know I don't want to go back (to your "back to basics" recommendation) our old sex life was very restrictive to me and it was probably, if I had to rank it, one of the most upsetting parts of our "pre-A" marriage. This is what I want, but not at the expense of her being who she really is. I'm just not sure who that person is, and I'm not sure she knows either at times.

 

I think maybe you need to assume that all of what you are seeing from your wife is 'the real her.'

 

She has the capacity to be all of those things - wild and crazy; reserved and uninterested. You cannot waste your mental and emotional energy wondering about whether she is faking these things. She IS these things, changing from one day to the next, from one season to the next, just as ANY WOMAN is. And she could be that way with any partner, given time.

 

I think you need to consider the length of time you've been together, and her age. That may be the reason she was willing to do that particular sex act with the OM that she hasn't done with you. She got together with you at a younger age. You've evolved together and gotten into your habits and patterns together. You have certain expectations of each other. You are also no longer "new" to each other. She had a relationship with another man at an older age. Many people are more comfortable with their bodies with experience and time. Couple that with the new relationship excitement, and it was possibly easier for her to be open to that sex act.

 

If YOU had been that new lover for her, it might have been the exact same experience.

 

These things are SO PAINFUL and so emotionally burdensome. And you are VERY MUCH in your own head. She is probably so desperate for you to get out of it. I know that is the experience I am having with my BH. I am terrified that we will never have a normal (good!) sex life because of this.

 

If you were with a brand new woman, you would have no clue what's happening in her mind!! She could be thinking about her ex. She could be realizing she doesn't want to be there at all. She could be envisioning porn in order to get off. Or she could be right in the moment with you. You have your wife and you will never crack open her head. But she is there and wants to be there and that is better than any stranger. I think you are handicapped by your own emotional deficits during sex. Perhaps if you two could be more emotionally intimate during the act, rather than focusing so much on the physical, it would help you to know she is there with YOU and not mentally elsewhere or doing this because...x.

 

Someone else mentioned PTSD...that's close, but I think what you have is actually C-PTSD. Complex PTSD. There was no moment in time where you saw something terrible happen. This comes from severe emotional pain. One thing that may help you is a treatment called EMDR. You might want to look into it. It's different than counseling...it helps you process memories so you can move forward.

[Overtaxed]

I think maybe you need to assume that all of what you are seeing from your wife is 'the real her.'

 

She has the capacity to be all of those things - wild and crazy; reserved and uninterested. You cannot waste your mental and emotional energy wondering about whether she is faking these things. She IS these things, changing from one day to the next, from one season to the next, just as ANY WOMAN is. And she could be that way with any partner, given time.

 

I think you need to consider the length of time you've been together, and her age. That may be the reason she was willing to do that particular sex act with the OM that she hasn't done with you. She got together with you at a younger age. You've evolved together and gotten into your habits and patterns together. You have certain expectations of each other. You are also no longer "new" to each other. She had a relationship with another man at an older age. Many people are more comfortable with their bodies with experience and time. Couple that with the new relationship excitement, and it was possibly easier for her to be open to that sex act.

 

If YOU had been that new lover for her, it might have been the exact same experience.

These things are SO PAINFUL and so emotionally burdensome. And you are VERY MUCH in your own head. She is probably so desperate for you to get out of it. I know that is the experience I am having with my BH. I am terrified that we will never have a normal (good!) sex life because of this.

 

If you were with a brand new woman, you would have no clue what's happening in her mind!! She could be thinking about her ex. She could be realizing she doesn't want to be there at all. She could be envisioning porn in order to get off. Or she could be right in the moment with you. You have your wife and you will never crack open her head. But she is there and wants to be there and that is better than any stranger. I think you are handicapped by your own emotional deficits during sex. Perhaps if you two could be more emotionally intimate during the act, rather than focusing so much on the physical, it would help you to know she is there with YOU and not mentally elsewhere or doing this because...x.

 

Someone else mentioned PTSD...that's close, but I think what you have is actually C-PTSD. Complex PTSD. There was no moment in time where you saw something terrible happen. This comes from severe emotional pain. One thing that may help you is a treatment called EMDR. You might want to look into it. It's different than counseling...it helps you process memories so you can move forward.

 

This post was very helpful. 2 bolds above.

 

The first, wow, was that powerful. Because, you're right. I know you're right. I have no doubt that if I walked into her life today, or was the AP, I would have had exactly the same experience with her. Which is like a weight lifting because it starts to lead to "It's not me". But, yes, if there was some way to erase history and start tonight, I have absolutely no doubt we'd set some records, I really do believe that. I think she's attracted to me physically, and I know I am to her. So, yeah, wow, amazing how a few words can shift your perspective on something, but I think you're absolutely right.

 

The 2nd bold, I'm sure she is desperate for me to get out of it (my head). She's not the only one. I'm trying, posting here helps because I can process things here, figure out how to tie them off, and not have them front of mind when I'm with her, sexually or otherwise. But I so want to stop it, stop analyzing, stop questioning, stop wondering. I can see the value in a lobotomy, I really can (joke, please take it as such). I know I just need to let go, but, as I think many of us here know, that's not something you just "do". So I do what I can, I can control my actions, so I control them and hope my head comes into alignment. And it is, just not as fast as I want it to.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ot there are a lot of good points given here... but the one I want to address is this one and maybe because I am privy to more information.

 

Your wife is not as sexual as you are... and you have adjusted to make her feel safe and comfortable.

 

On the other hand.. she was more sexual with the om ... which I believe was performance syndrome rather than change in sexual Appetite.

 

Now.. she is doing everything in her power sexually to prove to you she loves you.

 

And now you are confused by it... you like it... but you doubt the reason behind the change and you don't know how to handle it.

 

I do think you both need to discuss this together and I am sure you have but obviously not enough to give you peace about it.

[Cephalopod]

Thing is, if a man cannot be the best lover his wife ever had, then he probably doesn't want to be anything for her.

 

For all the strange ways women are, this is the way most men are. It is all or nothing for us when it comes to being our wives' first and best partners. Women often just don't get this fact.

 

Overtaxed is going to struggle with this inadequacy for the rest of his life. There is no "getting over" this. He can learn to adjust and go forward, but this is a wound that will never completely heal.

 

Overtaxed will probably find other ways to build up his self esteem outside the bedroom, and it will manifest itself in bizarre lifestyle changes.

 

After my exWW's multiple betrayals, I reacted by becoming a completely different person. I went from being a 180 pound, tubby puffball to a 210 musclebound weightlifter. I took up pugilism and learned to box. I shaved my head and festooned myself with tats. I traded my Jeep Gran Cherokee in for a Harley Softtail. I threw out my polo shirts in favor of tank tops. I look and act nothing like I did ten years ago. When my ex sees me she just shakes her head in disbelief.

[Southern Sun]

Thing is, if a man cannot be the best lover his wife ever had, then he probably doesn't want to be anything for her.

 

For all the strange ways women are, this is the way most men are. It is all or nothing for us when it comes to being our wives' first and best partners. Women often just don't get this fact.

 

Overtaxed is going to struggle with this inadequacy for the rest of his life. There is no "getting over" this. He can learn to adjust and go forward, but this is a wound that will never completely heal.

 

Overtaxed will probably find other ways to build up his self esteem outside the bedroom, and it will manifest itself in bizarre lifestyle changes.

 

After my exWW's multiple betrayals, I reacted by becoming a completely different person. I went from being a 180 pound, tubby puffball to a 210 musclebound weightlifter. I took up pugilism and learned to box. I shaved my head and festooned myself with tats. I traded my Jeep Gran Cherokee in for a Harley Softtail. I threw out my polo shirts in favor of tank tops. I look and act nothing like I did ten years ago. When my ex sees me she just shakes her head in disbelief.

 

The thing is...I get the feeling that Overtaxed IS his WW's best partner.

 

I think both sides of a couple can settle into complacency over years together. A new relationship forces people to "perform" as Mrs. JA said. Affair or not, people try to be on their game. They may be trying to win someone over, or convince someone to stay. They might be trying to show off their tricks, ensure their partner knows they are really good in this or that way...so they don't turn to an ex or head off in a new direction. And then there are hormones and chemicals that help propel this, so you don't even know you are trying.

 

In a marriage, over many years, you get into a groove...sometimes that groove turns into a rut. You begin to think, well, this 'works.' Neither of you are really expressing how dissatisfied you are, because, well, that requires work. Sometimes it seems more painful to get out of the rut than stay in it.

 

Affairs are horrid, but if there is anything good that might come of them, perhaps we can learn not to take each other for granted. I was even thinking of that last night. I should be thinking of my husband as a prize to work for, to make sure I keep. If I look at him as something I could lose at any moment, I would up my game. And vice versa. Bedroom included.

 

(And let me clarify...the OM was SO not a prize. It becomes ever so clear with time).

[Cephalopod]

The thing is...I get the feeling that Overtaxed IS his WW's best partner.

 

Doesn't matter. The damage has been done and it is permanent.

 

The best they can hope for is to completely re-make themselves into completely new people and start off a new marriage in a new reality. She cannot ever go back to the same woman she was before she cheated. That woman is dead and gone. And neither can he. They may be able to build some kind of new relationship on that.

 

Brutal honesty, from this point forward is the only thing they can form a new relationship around. Being brutally, completely honest in all things, and agreeing to take each other's honesty in stride and learning to deal with it.

 

Or they can break up, divorce and go find new partners to lie to and be fake with.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I do not think overtaxed thinks the om was a better lover...

I think he is worried that his wife is now doing things sexually she did not do before.

 

So he's worried about the why behind it.

 

He has always been hd and she wasn't... so he adjusted to suit her.

 

And now she is trying to do the same thing for him. So she is more sexual than she has ever been. It has nothing... I repeat ... nothing to do with the om...

 

She is doing her very best to make ot happy.

 

So he adjusted to her lower drive early on... and now she is adjusting to his higher drive

 

It's quite simple.. he wanted to please her... and now she wants to please him.

 

He analyzes everything to a fault... he complicates everything.

 

This is easy... but he has a hard time accepting that.

 

Who is this woman? And why didn't I know her before?

 

It's understandable that he doesn't trust what is happening...

 

But this is not difficult. She is doing everything she can to please him because she loves him and wants to reconcile.. she thinks this will help

 

And what she thinks will help seems to be hurting instead

 

So now what? She will feel that she fails no matter what she does.

 

Been there done that

 

Waywards who truly want to reconcile do everything they know to do to convince their betrayed to keep them... and then their betrayed questions everything they do... which then gives them a feeling of failure... they can't do things right...

 

Sounds just like the feelings of the betrayed doesn't it?

 

You both question everything

[Overtaxed]

And what she thinks will help seems to be hurting instead

 

That's not true, it's not black and white like that. It's not that it's hurting me, or that it's wrong; I've said it a few times, it's my issue, not hers. But it's not "right" for me yet. Yes, it is exactly like you said, neither of us can do anything right, but, in this case, it's ME who's doing the wrong, not her. It's not intentional, and it's not because I want to, but I'm still doing it.

[knabe]

This....

 

I hate to sound crude, but in the short term the best way to get over this hump is to objectify her.

 

Stop thinking of her as your wife and think of her as a chick you are ****ing. Don't worry so much about pleasuring her and getting her off. If I were you, I'd use her for YOUR pleasure. Take charge and toss her around the bed a bit and do what you want...short of assault or rape of course. She is offering herself to you. Don't be shy.

 

It's really about retraining your brain and body to work with each other again. Like someone said, you have suffered a trauma, and with any trauma there is a rehabilitation process.

 

And yeah...she put out and did some things for the other guy that she didn't do for you. Well, she can't go back and fix that. What you are having trouble with is absorbing the truth that this is who your wife is. She is a much more sexual being than she put on before all this happened. She has to take ownership of the fact that she misrepresented herself to you, and you have to accept that inside her there is a ho waiting to break out and get her freak on. So you need to work on that openness with her, and do what you can to make her feel safe to open herself up and tell you what she wants.

 

Also, go to a sex therapist and get help.

 

This is bull, OP. People change. There are all sorts of reasons women may be shy about sex with their husbands. Don't make her a permanent sl** in your mind. Permanent anger and bitterness will not help you recover, and it won't make you a man.

 

Things are different. She did something she can never undo. But evening the score and buying into the trip that she was a ho all along will not help your recovery. You don't want to turn into one of those "angry men" whose distaste for women while being perfectly willing to bang them makes you hard and sad.

[HereNorThere]

It's silly trying to rationalize or deny that she wasn't more turned on or more attracted to OM. I mean, she was willing to give up her marriage, reputation, home, your emotional well-being and everything else just to bang this guy.

 

One way or another, part of reconciliation is accepting these facts. There's no reason to try and rationalize them to death. She did it because she was more turned on by him than you. She did it because she was more concerned with pleasing him than she was you. If you want to reconcile, you just have to accept it. She was willing to give away a lot more than her a$s to be with this guy. I think you may be focusing on the wrong thing.

 

Rationalization is for cheaters. I'll be over here in the real world.

[Birdies]

Have you heard of EMDR therapy? I think it can be very effective for PTSD-like symptoms, which a lot of people have after infidelity. I would look into it. It's a way of retraining your brain to not obsess on particular hangups and have no emotion connected with certain thoughts / activities / triggers.

[Overtaxed]

Have you heard of EMDR therapy? I think it can be very effective for PTSD-like symptoms, which a lot of people have after infidelity. I would look into it. It's a way of retraining your brain to not obsess on particular hangups and have no emotion connected with certain thoughts / activities / triggers.

 

I have not, I'll look into it though.

[DKT3]

It's silly trying to rationalize or deny that she wasn't more turned on or more attracted to OM. I mean, she was willing to give up her marriage, reputation, home, your emotional well-being and everything else just to bang this guy.

 

One way or another, part of reconciliation is accepting these facts. There's no reason to try and rationalize them to death. She did it because she was more turned on by him than you. She did it because she was more concerned with pleasing him than she was you. If you want to reconcile, you just have to accept it. She was willing to give away a lot more than her a$s to be with this guy. I think you may be focusing on the wrong thing.

 

Rationalization is for cheaters. I'll be over here in the real world.

 

This is overly simplistic. It's that 80/20 thing. Which states a person will be happy with 80% for years decades but once they get a taste of the 20% that they were not getting it can overwhelm the fact that now they only have 20%.

 

It can be something fairly minor, like the way you compliment. Many different outliers. I believe in this case his wife was turned on by affectionate word and possibly feeling that the om just wanted her more than OT did. Doesn't mean she was actually more turned on.

 

As to why she did "MORE" well many theories here. One women tend to become more sexually adventurous as they age and be more comfortable with both thier bodies and sexuality. If in a long term relationship, the man would have shut down some of his desire to change anything or try new things because of the rejections of the past. Men settle into a sexual routine. Along comes another man who pushes the envelope, only now she is more open to it. Not that she wouldn't have been with her husband, he simply hadn't tried for a long time. Many women are over thinkers they may now desire things they didn't in the past, but are affraid to introduce them into the sex life for fear of rejection or having her husband think she is nasty.

 

Another factor, that comes into play particularly with a MM is wanting to be better than his wife....so in her mind the way to do that is present him with something she had denied her own husband. Not that it means she will be s doing it to impact the husband, but it is something that she may feel is going that extra mile. Doesn't even mean she enjoys it.

 

Women are far more complex, many more moving parts. But not so different, men enjoy OW who in turn does the things his wife doesn't. Don't mean he will divorce to have it more or he will stop wanting his wife to do them.

[knabe]

If you know any betrayed husbands who have recovered or are recovering who have healthy psyches and still love and respect their wives, get close to those men. Those are the type of man you want to emulate.

[Jersey born raised]

I hear you, negative thoughts are hard to overcome. You wanted to be with her for more reasons then just sex. Does the idea that your wife is using sex just to keep the marriage with no more emotional investment emotionally then an escort with a steady John for a couple of hundred a pop?

 

A harsh and hard question for her. Why do you want sex with ME? ME !

[QuietDan]

A lot of good discussion here. A number of long posts.

Maybe you mentioned it, maybe I missed it. Maybe you didn't mention it, but you two are doing it.

It sounds like this should specifically be part of the conversation you are having with your wife.

You both need to figure out the authentic you and her.

The only person that can answer these questions is your wife. Neither one of you are mind readers. She may not even have really thought about these issues specifically in so many words. Or, maybe she is working through all of the same issues in almost the same words/thoughts.

Until she answers your specific questions, you may end up repeating the same relationship problems in different ways.

It sounds like lots of speculation, assumptions and guessing, and unresolved fears and concerns.

Tell her your misgivings and concerns. You both deserve to work through this with the truth if you want a truthful outcome.