Shipshape45 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Hi, The MM and I were friends who met through a shared interest a few years ago. We became good friends and spent a lot of time together, though mostly in a group. We confided in each other a lot and it was said, not just by him but by many others that the marriage was dead and had been for a long time. Things took a turn last year with increased feelings being expressed between us. Meetings were increasing and he made a lot of excuses to see me. His marriage recently broke down with his wife initially insisting on a separation. He was upset (very long marriage) but this was understandable. He'd always seemed very unhappy so perhaps it was best all round. Many more discussions took place between us about a 'future for us', there was nothing more than kissing between us and a strong emotional connection. It was going well until his wife saw that he appeared to be moving on. At this point she did a U-turn and said she would be prepared to give the marriage another try. He turned it down, but it left him in turmoil. They have tried to fix the marriage numerous times already and mutual friends have seen this fail, over and over. I stepped back a little but found it hard as he was quite reliant on me emotionally. Eventually I ended it out of frustration at the indecision, but within a few days he came back, seemingly realising he didn't want to lose me. He then told his wife about his EA with me and moved out into his own place a few days later. He told me he loved me. At this point I thought everything was ok, things were moving in the right direction...but no. Within days he sent me a lengthy email explaining that he couldn't get over his relationship with his wife and that he felt he had to save his marriage. He said he thought his feelings for me were confused...that I'd been an ego boost for him... so much for the love he'd expressed only days before. I'm absolutely devastated by all of this. Months of discussion about being together, planning a future...it seemed to be happening, then all of a sudden it wasn't. The shock of it to me was huge. I feel like I've been used to shake up a dead marriage. He'd told all his family about me so my reputation is also pretty shot...all over a man I haven't even slept with. Why tell them all, go to the bother of moving out, tell a person you love them, then do a total U-turn? I'm honestly reeling from all of this and feel it's a bad dream that I just want to wake up from...? Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 So sorry this happened SS. I'm going through the exact same thing. xMM dumped me yesterday after seven years together. I mean we did everything together, just as a normal couple. Still raw and grieving. Can't believe it happened. Not eating or sleeping. Don't want to be alone but don't want to be with people either. It hurts. It seems they almost always go back. My xMM also had the separation discussion with his W but we ended 10 days after that. I think they believe they can gracefully exit their M but when they see the pain caused to their W, they make a decision at that time to stay. Men (and women) need to feel wanted and appreciated and keeping the family intact will make them appear as a good guy. I don't know. Just rambling. Keep reading here. It's the only thing holding me together right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shipshape45 Posted June 23, 2017 Author Share Posted June 23, 2017 Oh bless you! We're in very similar boats you and I. If your heart is broken like mine I feel awful for you. Like you, me and my MM were very close and did a lot together through our shared hobby. If I'm honest it was virtually love at first sight for me, I'd never imagined that he might feel the same way. Our connection emotionally was huge, I went through all this with him as I thought he was worth it. It finally looked like things were ok and BAM! It's over. I think that you're right on the guilt thing. He's a very responsible man and he doesn't want to be seen as 'not trying' even though he's tried so many times before. In the meantime I feel thrown to the wolves... the reputational damage is huge. I hate that another human (you), is going through this, it truly is the worst pain to believe that someone loves you...then to have that happen. Do these MMs even realise? I don't know... they want to be seen as the good guy, but we don't get the benefit of that do we? ? Xx 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lostintheuk Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I'm a married woman, and the other woman at the same time. And I'm also grieving the end of a extremely passionate physical and emotional affair (I've posted about it). It is truly heartbreaking, especially as I have no one to talk to about the pain, because ultimately I am in the wrong in every way. Strange thing is I am a moral person, but I gave in to temptation. I feel like a heroin addict who's had the supply of drugs taken away...Sending love and thoughts to you both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I have never felt pain like this before. Not even when my M ended. Can't cope. Wish I had words of encouragement for you but the other posters will chime in soon with some great advice. They quickly throw us under the bus. I still don't understand how you can proclaim undying love (xMM always said to me, babe...you have NO IDEA how much I love you). To nothing now, never want to see you again, leave me alone, wish I had never met you. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 I'm a married woman, and the other woman at the same time. And I'm also grieving the end of a extremely passionate physical and emotional affair (I've posted about it). It is truly heartbreaking, especially as I have no one to talk to about the pain, because ultimately I am in the wrong in every way. Strange thing is I am a moral person, but I gave in to temptation. I feel like a heroin addict who's had the supply of drugs taken away...Sending love and thoughts to you both. To you too Lost. I am giving you both a virtual ((hug)). The pain is unbearable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shipshape45 Posted June 23, 2017 Author Share Posted June 23, 2017 This is why it's good to be here. We have some understanding of each others positions and how tough it is. Being 'thrown under a bus' is exactly how it feels. The amount we shared emotionally was huge. He was one of my best friends, I felt compelled to support him... I wore myself out over this poor broken man only to have it thrown back in my face. To feel disposed of is the worst feeling...we deserve better than this. Hugs to you both xxx Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 We were so close too. It wasn't one of those fantasy affairs. After seven years you get to know someone quite well. We were there for each other through colds and flus, job losses, kid issues. Everything. We saw each other daily. We were out in the open with our daily meetings it's a wonder there wasn't an earlier d-day. My neighbours thought he was my H he was at my place so much. It doesn't matter now. We're tossed away like trash. Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Shipshape, Lost, and What, Time. It really does amazing things if you let it. Time will soften the blow, give you perspective, and time to learn/grow/move on. Affairs are very close to an addiction. The adrenalin, the excitement, the drama...real life can't come close. Treat getting past one just like any other addiction. Be kind to yourself, figure out why you did what you did, and how you can learn to not to it again. I would suggest you stop worrying about what they think or why they do what they do. It truly doesn't matter. Why they left you doesn't matter, they left you. The action is what matters, not why. Focus on what does matter, you. Focus on what you can change, you. I wish you 3 the best of luck. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Syre17 Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 Hi, The MM and I were friends who met through a shared interest a few years ago. We became good friends and spent a lot of time together, though mostly in a group. We confided in each other a lot and it was said, not just by him but by many others that the marriage was dead and had been for a long time. Things took a turn last year with increased feelings being expressed between us. Meetings were increasing and he made a lot of excuses to see me. His marriage recently broke down with his wife initially insisting on a separation. He was upset (very long marriage) but this was understandable. He'd always seemed very unhappy so perhaps it was best all round. Many more discussions took place between us about a 'future for us', there was nothing more than kissing between us and a strong emotional connection. It was going well until his wife saw that he appeared to be moving on. At this point she did a U-turn and said she would be prepared to give the marriage another try. He turned it down, but it left him in turmoil. They have tried to fix the marriage numerous times already and mutual friends have seen this fail, over and over. I stepped back a little but found it hard as he was quite reliant on me emotionally. Eventually I ended it out of frustration at the indecision, but within a few days he came back, seemingly realising he didn't want to lose me. He then told his wife about his EA with me and moved out into his own place a few days later. He told me he loved me. At this point I thought everything was ok, things were moving in the right direction...but no. Within days he sent me a lengthy email explaining that he couldn't get over his relationship with his wife and that he felt he had to save his marriage. He said he thought his feelings for me were confused...that I'd been an ego boost for him... so much for the love he'd expressed only days before. I'm absolutely devastated by all of this. Months of discussion about being together, planning a future...it seemed to be happening, then all of a sudden it wasn't. The shock of it to me was huge. I feel like I've been used to shake up a dead marriage. He'd told all his family about me so my reputation is also pretty shot...all over a man I haven't even slept with. Why tell them all, go to the bother of moving out, tell a person you love them, then do a total U-turn? I'm honestly reeling from all of this and feel it's a bad dream that I just want to wake up from...? Hang in there shipshape... My situation was very similar to yours in that once she (sort of) moved out, things got really weird and worse for "us" in many ways. It was a stark contrast from my feelings of "wow, we finally made it and are starting a life together..." You might take some time to read my intiial post on here about it. You'll see a lot of similarities. Be well and take care of you...first and foremost... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ahurtgirl Posted June 23, 2017 Share Posted June 23, 2017 (edited) How a man can love us only as much as they can use us is really what it is. It never is just a typical affair. They all lie to pull us in. My exMM went as far as calling my then husband to say that HE wanted to pursue a life with me and find true happiness with me. He gave me an engagement ring too. Sorry you are going through this as well. Time does heal. Edited June 23, 2017 by Ahurtgirl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pianomanwoman Posted June 24, 2017 Share Posted June 24, 2017 I know it hurts you now, but today I got a email from George, who lives in Spain now. We had an affair in 1998 and its been NC for me. He will always come back, someday when you least expect it. Don't drop everything to see them or even for coffee, its not worth it. They did not mature and all the things that they told you are a lie. Even when they get a divorce you will see that you were played, and feel terrible. I know right now you don't feel this way. Be glad that he dumped you! Good luck Robin 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Syre17 Posted June 24, 2017 Share Posted June 24, 2017 I know it hurts you now, but today I got a email from George, who lives in Spain now. We had an affair in 1998 and its been NC for me. He will always come back, someday when you least expect it. Don't drop everything to see them or even for coffee, its not worth it. They did not mature and all the things that they told you are a lie. Even when they get a divorce you will see that you were played, and feel terrible. I know right now you don't feel this way. Be glad that he dumped you! Good luck Robin NC since 1998!?!? Wow, that's an incredibly long time and then to have them surface again... If that long, just out of curiosity, what'd they say after all that time? Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 chocolate, wine and a bath helps. Link to post Share on other sites
Scoutjr Posted July 8, 2017 Share Posted July 8, 2017 I could have written this. Link to post Share on other sites
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