Comparing the break we took last year, and the "break" we're having right now...

[Donburi]

Oh no, me again?! Sorry guys, but I've been thinking (sigh, as usual) and my silly 'lil mind has come up with more questions yet AGAIN.

 

I think most of you know my story. If not, I'll post a quick summary of it if you want me to.

 

My ex broke up with me 4 months ago. Its hard to start off like that because most people automatically assume "Ok, case closed, its over, HE broke up with you, so HE doesn't care anymore." Wrong. We were doing (for the most part, obviously there were some issues) perfectly fine until I cheated on him. So, if I didn't do that, we would still be together right now, and still planning to move to Japan together next year. Ain't life peachy??

 

We still keep in contact, mostly online. It seems obvious to me that he still wants me around, because he'll be the one to text me, or suggest to hang out or ask if he can call. So, good signs, yes? BUT (everyone's favorite word) he makes no signs or hints at wanting me back as a girlfriend...right now, anyway. Says he is not ready yet. Doesn't know what he wants yet. Recently said that he wants to work on mending things and taking small steps at a time by doing so. Sounds good to me. Alot more than I deserve, right?

I know most of you suggested not to read his dumb myspace (I can't help it though! I have one too and he added me as a buddy...) Well, he stopped "flirting" with that 17 yr old, and he even writes about me in his blogs! Sorta. He wrote about one night we were talking online and he put this :

 

...Sometimes, Life is hard. Things don't go as planned, and things get in the way. But, once one realizes that it just takes a second to go around or change course, life becomes that much easier. I'm so excited to start school and get ready for the big move, I don't have a lot of time to worry about a lot of the small stuff anymore. I talked to ***** for a long time tonight, and while it may have been upsetting at times, or frustrating to try to figure out what I'm going to do with my life, it was good. It was great. It was beneficial to get things out there and even lay out all the problems that were there and then hopefully try to solve things one step at a time....

 

I really didn't know how to take that but overall I think it sounds ok...

 

Well, it get to the point, I was thinking about the other break we took about one year ago (I had failed to mention this in my other posts). We planned on visiting Japan together but we had a huge fight about a month before hand. (we used to have dumb little fights all the time) I have to warn you, back then, I was VERY VERY stupid when arguing. When we were having a fight, I would say "fine, lets take a break" and he would immediately try to fix things and apologize. Soon, I began using that line as a way to fix things, so to speak. Terrible, I know, but that was a while ago so I'm not like that anymore. Well, of course, like anyone else, he got sick of it one day and instead of getting scared and trying to mend things he said "fine, we're taking a break." This freaked me out of course, because I wasn't expecting that at all. I did the usual begging and pleading but that did not work. We didn't see eachother for a few weeks, and would only talk by phone (I was the one who called, always.) Then the issue of the trip to Japan came up. We had already bought our tickets. What to do? It had already been a few weeks since the break up. Well, we went together anyways. We were there for about 28 days. I thought it would have been torture to be there with him, all day every single day, only as a friend but fortunately it wasn't, luckily Japan is a very entertaining, distracting place. But thats not to say I didn't grill him about US every day. Every single day I asked him about our status and what was going to happen. In the beginning he would always answer "I don't know." But with more time passed, it seemed like the chances of us getting back together were high. I think we had about three days left there, when I broke down crying, basically saying "you're not going to take me back, the trip is almost over, I really wanted to come here as a couple, I wanted to hold hands and do couple things, etc..." He didn't really respond with anything, basically said the usual, give it time. Well, I think it was the next day when we were in our hostel, and we were both sitting on his bed and I don't remember how it started, but we were kissing (which lead to ahem, other things ) before I knew it! Afterwards, when we were done with our crying and our "I'm sorry!" we went out, and he held my hand and gave me a smile that I will remember forever.

 

So, that break lasted about 2 months. If he took a 2 month break from me because of how immaturely I handled things and because I was very clingy, then would taking a 4+ month break from me CHEATING make sense? I dunno, I kinda think it does. Alot of people here say that he should know what he wants by now but I dunno...I CHEATED on him. I hurt him in the worst way possible. If I were him I wouldn't know if I would take me back so soon either. But geez, I really do want him to give me another chance... ( Please don't automatically assume I'm a bad person because I cheated, its not the kinda cheating you might be thinking, where I was being sneaky and had another relationship and had all kinds of sex 'n stuff. I mean, I still did a bad thing but I don't know if its exactly the same kind that most people think.)

 

I'm acting the complete opposite from the way I did from our last break. Last break, all I did was whine and call him non-stop. Now, though I do grill him with questions about the future often, I don't call him or text him unless he does it first, or show up at his house or anything like that. Its weird, from the last break, it seemed like me hounding him and pressuring him worked. But that was a while ago, and this is a completely different situation, so I don't think I am going to go down that route. I'd like to think I've matured a little bit...just a little bit.

 

So I guess I was wondering what other people got out of this. Does it sound like there is still hope?

[A Fly onThe Wall]

Your over thinking things.. Stop contacting him at all for a while.. I know you only contact when he contacts you.. Stop...

 

You need him to want you.. Right now because you are at his every whim he knows knows that your his puppet.

 

Make him think he has lost you forever and then you may have a chance on repairing what you fu*ked up with him

[Donburi]

Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall

Your over thinking things.. Stop contacting him at all for a while.. I know you only contact when he contacts you.. Stop...

 

You need him to want you.. Right now because you are at his every whim he knows knows that your his puppet.

 

Make him think he has lost you forever and then you may have a chance on repairing what you fu*ked up with him

 

That makes sense to me and i know I should do it because thats what EVERYONE on here tells me to do...but I don't want him to think he has lost me forever...I don't want to hurt him anymore. I feel like after what I've done I should show him I care and that I DO love him, despite of things that has happened...but you're right. he does know how I feel, I've been expressing that to him for 4 months now...

 

I'm sorry for how annoying I'm being, but I just can't do NC. I want to, but I don't have the strength...I've tried before but I couldn't do it any longer than 3 or 4 days...

[Deborah]

I think he might still want you, but because you cheated on him, he does not want to take you back. So it might be that there are two forces pulling him into two directions.

 

Normally I would advise you to give him time and space to figure out what he wants. But of course if you do stay away this might just help him to get over you which is not what you want.

 

As you are the 'bad guy' who cheated on him, I think you should do all the groveling and begging and all the hard work to prove to him that you are truly sorry and honestly regret what you did and would never do it again.

 

I realize that you did that for 4 months now and it is not working. So what does he want? Did you ask him how he wants you to make it up to him? Did he ask you to stay away and leave him alone? If he said that he wants to take babysteps and slowly mend the relationship, then do just that. Let him decide the pace of your reconcilliation.

 

P.S. what makes your cheating different from any other kind of cheating? What are your ligitating (sp?) circumstances?

[Donburi]

Originally posted by Deborah

I think he might still want you, but because you cheated on him, he does not want to take you back. So it might be that there are two forces pulling him into two directions.

 

Normally I would advise you to give him time and space to figure out what he wants. But of course if you do stay away this might just help him to get over you which is not what you want.

 

As you are the 'bad guy' who cheated on him, I think you should do all the groveling and begging and all the hard work to prove to him that you are truly sorry and honestly regret what you did and would never do it again.

 

I realize that you did that for 4 months now and it is not working. So what does he want? Did you ask him how he wants you to make it up to him? Did he ask you to stay away and leave him alone? If he said that he wants to take babysteps and slowly mend the relationship, then do just that. Let him decide the pace of your reconcilliation.

 

P.S. what makes your cheating different from any other kind of cheating? What are your ligitating (sp?) circumstances?

 

 

Thank you for replying, Deborah. I've done the groveling, the apologizing, etc...and if it will help I will continue to do so but it doesn't seem like something he really wants. He doesn't want to discuss the issue until he knows what he wants. He doesn't like it when I ask him questions about it either, he'll let me do it because he's a good guy, but you can just tell that its something he is uncomfortable with. He does want to take "baby steps" for now, and I guess that is all I can do. Wait for him to be ready.

 

Well, cheating is cheating, there's no denying that, but I just don't want people to assume when I say I cheated that it was like, HARDCORE cheating. I felt neglected from my bf because he absolutely LOVES his videogames (this happened after two years we've been dating, so we were in our "comfortable zone" by then, so to speak.) Well, his best friend who I've always been fond of because he is the group's "funny guy", befriends me and he starts "filling in" for my bf, hangs out with me, etc... We had been good friends for a few months, there were feelings there (I'd say nothing more then a crush type thing) The three of us were hanging out at my ex's house, me and my ex get in a huge fight in his room, he asks me to leave and locks me out, I go to the room where the friend is, he tells me that (oh I forgot to mention, after we had gotten close enough as friends, he started telling me bad things about my relationship, saying my ex didn't love me, etc...) if my ex really cared about me he would have talked things out instead of locking you out. I'm sobbing at this point, he gets close (I was laying down on my back, on a couch futon thing) and he puts his hand between my legs and starts telling me things, like how much he cares about me and whatnot. I don't stop him because 1, it was exciting because I had feelings for him and 2, I think at that point I was too stunned to really do anything. Well, as luck would have it, my bf walked in a min later. We hadn't continued further from that point or anything, but still, it was a painful thing to see I'm sure, your gf with your best friend's hand between her legs whispering to her softly. If you asked if my bf didn't walk in would I have stopped it? I honestly can't answer. Before this happened I would have confidently said that I would NEVER let another man touch me but...I guess people truly don't know what they're capable of til the situation arises. But, I would like to think that I would have stopped him soon enough. I know for a fact I wouldn't have slept with him or anything like that...

 

So yeah, this is extra hard on my ex because he had to walk in on something like that. If I had been honest and told him myself I think it would be a different story, but... He says he believes me when I say this was the first time, nothing like this has happened before, but I don't blame him if he does have doubt, I would too if I were him.

[jd2004dc]

Hmm...it sounds to me like both of you are immature. I don't mean this as an insult, just an observation. Your boyfriend should not lock you out during an argument, and he definitely should take enough time away from his videogames to notice that you are spending more and more time with his bestfriend. On the other hand, you should not go to his best friend for whom you have feelings after you have a fight with your boyfriend. What did you expect to happen when you did this? Even if you didn't anticipate the physical aspect of it, didn't a part of you sort of hope he would give you the comfort and understanding your boyfriend had withheld? Doesn't that sort of emotional interaction count as "cheating" in your book?

 

We are all immature in various ways, and hopefully we are grow over time. But at this point I would ask: why do you want your boyfriend to take you back when he plays videogames all the time and obviously fails to give you the sort of daily emotional intimacy you want? Why not find someone who will do that? Why choose instead to go back to him and risk the chance you will once again find yourself in a position where you will be tempted to cheat?

[michiboo101]

I think you should let him go, its obvious he doesn't know what he wants.