Leaving someone due to abuse

[stixx]

Here's how I look at it. Think back to when you were 10, 14. Did you daydream about meeting the man of your dreams...who only beat you once a week? Who only called you stupid once a day? NO. You dreamed of a guy who loved you, made you feel GOOD, not stupid. Who put your needs ahead of his, not took your money and used it on himself.

 

So ask yourself: why are you still with a man who has none of the qualities you expected? Why are you settling?

 

Not really. When I was that age I was playing with slot cars, playing with my GI Joes and collecting sports cards.

 

I will admit. I %100 remember my first kiss. I was about 11, and we always held hands..... One day we just smoochie and her mom just happen to catch up on the back patio.

 

We didnt get in trouble overall, but till this day I remember her after 35 years and us thinking if a smootch was ok.

 

we did a small smootch. I remember her to this day what she looked like and that back patio.

 

How can anyone not remember that first kiss as a kid?

[shellybing]

I understand the general sentiment here is that if someone is at all abusive in whatever way, you should run away and never look back. No one should tolerate such behaviour, etc. and run far far away.

 

I don't disagree with that but from personal experience - I just wanted to share something. Bad behaviour is not right but sometimes it really is hard to see when you are the midst of intense pain and you are trying to do anything to lessen the pain. And if you've had a pattern of seeing unhealthy behaviours growing up for people who actually do love each other but do not express their emotions properly.

 

My only question is - mental health is just as important as any other condition. Yet every other condition gets more sympathy - cancer, infections, organ failure. But if someone truly is struggling with stress, and emotional regulation is difficult for them - then it's this realm of unknown.

 

I agree that repeated behaviours despite people identifying it as abuse and telling them to seek therapy/change is the person in denial.

 

But I am just wondering - obviously love is not truly unconditional, but if someone was only told that once - and they truly had not seen it before, and their partner leaves them. Of course, anyone is justified to go at any time.

 

But if you truly love someone, even if you need a break from them, would you just desert them when they need help the most? That doesn't sound like love to me. It speaks to me as to how much love there actually was.

 

Some people say that people can't change - but they do.

 

 

I wanted to speak to this.

 

Today, I spent 3 hours (my third appointment) at the Dentist. They looked, they poked and prodded. I am now missing a front tooth. It finally broke off a couple of weeks ago.

 

As I sat an explained to the second dentist what had happened, the memories roared back into my mind. I have taken my time to properly heal, but crying has never been a strong point for me. I don't cry. I barely even feel pain. That is why I had been landed in the Dental chair 3 times, for 3 hours, and will probably be having at least 3 more 3 hour appointments.

 

You see, I don't feel pain anymore. Though, I am happy to say the numbness is almost gone. I had learned for so long that pain is glory; that it is mind over matter. I almost lost a tear in the dental chair this afternoon, which reminded me that maybe my heart is finally growing back.

 

I had put off my dental work for such a long time. So so long. I had a few things done here and there, but lost sight and money for it, for quite some time. Entering abusive relationships with men who used me for my money, and then got tired of me, so then got violent. But that is not even the tip of the iceberg. You see, I married a very Narcissistic and manipulative man right out of high school. I loved him. He grew up to be my worst night mare. His mother even pitched in. Though, neither of them laid a hand on me, until it was the end. And, even then - it wasn't the end, but the beginning of a long fight for my life.

 

As my husband sat on my chest, while wailing on my face, I felt no pain. He cracked 4 of my teeth. Previously, another time when he pushed me down the stairs, he had cracked another when I fell on the cement. Somewhere, lying on the cement, after a long time running already, I decided to leave that girl on the ground, and came up an emotionless guarded person.

 

It has been 6 years since I left.

 

This year, I can finally afford to fix my teeth. So, as I sat in a chair, after having used all this time to gather my strength to move on with my life - I no longer needed sympathy. I no longer needed him. I have proved that each and every day for 6 years now, and will continue to prove it. My heart did grow back, but because I am (still) learning how to recognize abuse early on, I am doing better and better each day. I had 2 relationships end in blows, lies, and manipulation. But you know what? I learned to defend myself. I learned to ask for help. I learned to use my voice to call for help. I learned to fix my own car. I learned that I am not ugly, and that these scars are my beauty, and my strength. I learned to shoot a gun. I learned that the law is on my side. I won custody of my kids. I learned that I have rights, and now I can use them. I learn to use my head along side my heart. So no, I am not a victim, nor do I need sympathy. I learned that I am strong.

 

I am a survivor. So are you. <3

[preraph]

Before you buy into this notion that sometimes people don't realize they're being abusive, first ask yourself if he's abusive to literally everyone he talks to or if it's only you and maybe another family member. Because if they're THAT oblivious that they don't know right from wrong, then they are delusional and very mentally ill. You know the legal definition of "insane" for court proceedings is do they know right from wrong. So for instance if a guy rapes a woman or assaults one on the street in front of people, he's probably seriously delusional and mentally ill because he didn't try to hide the crime. But 99.9 percent of those people will find a way to do it in private, drag a women into the bushes or a van or con them over to some home. Those people may have mental issues, but they know right from wrong enough to cover their tracks.

 

So unless your man is openly abusive no matter where you are and he's openly abusive to others as well, he KNOWS what he's doing, make no mistake. If he says otherwise, he's just gaslighting you trying to make YOU the one who's crazy.

[aurelius99]

I can only assume the OP is female and is only referring to female-on-male violence/abuse. If I'm right, I doubt she believes the same about male-on-female abuse. Men are taught to understand why women abuse them and to help them. Women are taught to "leave him" and "there's no excuse for abuse".

 

Sorry, but as a former victim of domestic violence, I don't believe female abusers should receive special understanding.

[shellybing]

I can only assume the OP is female and is only referring to female-on-male violence/abuse. If I'm right, I doubt she believes the same about male-on-female abuse. Men are taught to understand why women abuse them and to help them. Women are taught to "leave him" and "there's no excuse for abuse".

 

Sorry, but as a former victim of domestic violence, I don't believe female abusers should receive special understanding.

 

Men should leave too.

[shellybing]

I would like to add that abuse stems (typically) from two things:

 

a.) A warped sense of self, be it caused by previous abuse, narcissim, psychopathy, or other mental illness or psychological issues. This means for both parties involved. ex.) Abuser/psychopath Abused/low self esteem, mental illness.

 

or

 

b.) trying to force a relationship between two people who are not compatible but who are trying to "make it work"

 

or a combination of both

 

ex.) a narcissistic person who is trying to manipulate a typical person. It would drive both people up a wall resulting in an unhealthy relationship. Emotions are bound to fly and someone is going to end up getting hurt.

 

That is just my opinion though. I dont know the real numbers for that.

 

I did watch a documentary with a piece about domestic violence on men, and the stat there was 1 in 4 men are victims of dv and 1 in 3 women are.

 

My personal opinion is that we are all just human and all dv needs to stop.

 

If a relationship does not suit a person, they should leave and move on before any violence or abuse happens.

[Redhead14]

I understand the general sentiment here is that if someone is at all abusive in whatever way, you should run away and never look back. No one should tolerate such behaviour, etc. and run far far away.

 

I don't disagree with that but from personal experience - I just wanted to share something. Bad behaviour is not right but sometimes it really is hard to see when you are the midst of intense pain and you are trying to do anything to lessen the pain. And if you've had a pattern of seeing unhealthy behaviours growing up for people who actually do love each other but do not express their emotions properly.

 

My only question is - mental health is just as important as any other condition. Yet every other condition gets more sympathy - cancer, infections, organ failure. But if someone truly is struggling with stress, and emotional regulation is difficult for them - then it's this realm of unknown.

 

I agree that repeated behaviours despite people identifying it as abuse and telling them to seek therapy/change is the person in denial.

 

But I am just wondering - obviously love is not truly unconditional, but if someone was only told that once - and they truly had not seen it before, and their partner leaves them. Of course, anyone is justified to go at any time.

 

But if you truly love someone, even if you need a break from them, would you just desert them when they need help the most? That doesn't sound like love to me. It speaks to me as to how much love there actually was.

 

Some people say that people can't change - but they do.

 

would you just desert them when they need help the most? -- The hard truth about all this is that the partner who is attempting to help their partner doesn't have the skill set usually to actually be helpful depending on the magnitude of the issues being dealt with. At some point the offended partner is/has been emotionally depleted anyway as well. In the end, the offended partner actually becomes more of an enabler than an effective source of support and help/direction, etc.