Why is longevity important in a relationship?

[SmartDude]

Why does our culture value longevity as the most important thing in a marriage? Is it a contest to see who can stay together the longest and thus prove their "happiness" to the world?

 

I have seen lots of old couple's who are married for a long time. Not one of them gave me an inspirational feeling by seeing them together. Couple's who have been together too long just seem boring, or like they are the same co-dependent person.

 

Maybe the trend of young people abandoning marriage is saying something about reality in 2017?

[somanymistakes]

Staying together doesn't prove happiness, sadly, some people are together forever and miserable the whole way.

 

But things staying the same provides a reassuring sense of stability to the world, especially at times when politics seem so fraught and everything seems so unpredictable. There is a comfort at looking at people who've been together a long time and are still happy, still know what they want. It makes the world feel more understandable.

 

Of course, there's also the religious and spiritual angle. If you believe that your marriage oath is MEANT to be for life, before God, or even if you don't believe in God but your personal integrity matters to you and you promised forever, letting go of that is painful.

 

Now, maybe it's a more realistic attitude to recognise that nothing is forever, everything changes. If nothing else, death will part you eventually, and a drastic change in your relationship or your partner's personality can be like a death. Things change, we have to deal with them... but it's a rare couple that can handle that change without terrible pain.

 

Much of our culture dates back to a time when life expectancy was expected to be much shorter. Do the same social rules and regulations make sense for people expected to die when they are 60 as for people who die when they are 100? If humans begin regularly living to the age of 250, do we really think marriages entered into by twenty-somethings can reasonably survive two hundred years of change? Or will something have to give?

 

I want marriage to be forever. I don't want to get married unless I can be certain of forever. And without that certainty, maybe I will never marry. Perhaps that makes me a member of one of those worrying millenial trends.

[usernameisvalid]

I don't think longevity is widely valued as the most important thing in a marriage. I think, however, longevity may be more impressive nowadays because divorce is so much more widely accepted, such that when a couple is still married after decades it's more of an indicator than it used to be that they love and are committed to each other. My grandparents were married for over sixty years, and their love and commitment and relationship with each other were so inspiring. My aunt and uncle must be going on 25 years, and my in-laws have just over forty years. Their love is true. Their commitment is strong. There's something to be said for longevity but without these other elements, it loses meaning.

[central]

Longevity can be good, if the relationship is good. And it can be good if the relationship lasts long enough to raise any children to adulthood, as that is usually beneficial (again, if the marriage is a good one and provides a healthy example for the kids).

 

Otherwise, I'd say enjoy a relationship while it is good, make some effort to make and keep it good, but if it can't be sustained, move on. Success in most things is temporary - you have to do something else to continue to be a success. Marriage isn't any different, IMO.

[SammySammy]

To raise children?

 

Have a support system when older?

[somanymistakes]

I do think it's sad when people feel like they've failed because their 20 or 25-year marriage is falling apart. You were happy together for twenty years, that's still an achievement to be celebrated.

 

The loss is sad, but it's not a waste just because it ends.

[dichotomy]

There is a difference between not seeming happy and joyous in a long term marriage - and not being miserable or spiteful or hateful.

 

Raising kids is hard and wonderful - and if two married people can basically be functional and co-parent okay - its great for all. Grand kids even better.

 

And speaking of kids - talk about periods of misery and sadness. Tween -teen years - wow ! You could argue then why have them ?

 

Its a tough cruel world out there - especially as you get older - money, health issues, loneliness. Again it might not be joyous or super happy - but having a companion you can rely on on - who can be there - have your back or help during the bad times - means alot to many people.

 

I mean I see your point - love and LTR/Marriage/monogamy is hard work. Alot of us married folks are not happy. Love is compromise and sacrifice and doing what you have to do for another - when you dont feel like it.

[darkmoon]

standing the test of time means liking each other a lot

[carhill]

The group rewards longevity as an acknowledgement that you've played their game, and played it well. We see it, or have seen it, in nearly all facets of society. Quantity has a quality all its own. Remember when employment milestones were celebrated? 30 years with the company and one gets a gold watch. Been on the planet 80 years? Pretty cool, everyone pats you on the head. You survived.

 

It's the same with marriage. There's a clear start point, the group validates the custom, life proceeds and they revalidate along the way. Anniversary parties/celebrations.

 

Does everyone play the game? Nope. Some folks go their own way. No harm no foul, they just don't garner any attention or approval from the group. Everyone values validation and approval differently. For some it matters a lot. For others not at all.

 

Talk to any old guy (not too many around anymore) who's been married since young to the same person and he'll be happy to tell you how many decades and the names of every offspring he's been involved in the siring of and, whoa, watch out for the pictures . It's how people keep score, some anyway. Reproductive success is important for species propagation and survival and this romance and marriage and baby making stuff is all part of that.

[Arieswoman]

SmartDude,

Before I respond to your post let's take a look at history and some statistics

 

When the English Book of Common Prayer ( which contains the format of the Marriage Service ) was published in 1549 life expectancy in England was 39 years. !

 

Childhood mortality was very high and women regularly died in childbirth. People succumbed to all sort of diseases and infections that we have cures for today. So "til death us do part" often wasn't a long time and a man might have several wives in his lifetime (and a woman several husbands)

 

As the decades passed, life expectancy in England increased viz;

 

1935 - 61.7

 

1940 - 62.9

 

1950 - 68.2

 

2014 - 81.6

 

So anyone getting married today in England could be with their spouse for 60 years.

 

Maybe young people today don't want to take on such a long term commitment ?

[road]

SmartDude,

Before I respond to your post let's take a look at history and some statistics

 

When the English Book of Common Prayer ( which contains the format of the Marriage Service ) was published in 1549 life expectancy in England was 39 years. !

 

Childhood mortality was very high and women regularly died in childbirth. People succumbed to all sort of diseases and infections that we have cures for today. So "til death us do part" often wasn't a long time and a man might have several wives in his lifetime (and a woman several husbands)

 

As the decades passed, life expectancy in England increased viz;

 

1935 - 61.7

 

1940 - 62.9

 

1950 - 68.2

 

2014 - 81.6

 

So anyone getting married today in England could be with their spouse for 60 years.

 

Maybe young people today don't want to take on such a long term commitment ?

 

1917 or 2017, forever is still forever.

[central]

1917 or 2017, forever is still forever.

 

With the wrong spouse, even a month can feel like forever ... in hell.

 

Life is too short, too fragile, to stay in an unhappy relationship.

[somanymistakes]

1917 or 2017, forever is still forever.

 

A promise is still a promise.

 

But people change. And the longer they live, the more they change. Sometimes, hopefully, they change together. Sometimes they change so drastically that they are no longer the person you married in any meaningful sense.

 

Like I said, extend life expectancy further. How many people do you think can REALLY manage to stay together and never want to go in different directions for two hundred years together? Think of how drastically the world will change during that time, how many things might come up that they would never have dreamed of when they got married.

 

It would still be great if they stayed happily together through all that! But it does start to seem impractical to expect it.

[knabe]

Basically, we choose how we view things.

[Mrs. John Adams]

We married at 17 and 19. We have been married 45 years...we are now 62 and 64....we hope we get to see our 75th anniversary together. Can we make 30 more years? Absolutley.

 

We had a rough patch in our marriage in the 11 th year....and no marriage is perfect. We made it through...but it was not easy. We decided we were worth fighting for....so we did.

 

I will say in the last 20 years...we have grown much closer...and part of that is because the day to day responsibility of raising a family is gone....and we do more just for the two of us. We vacation more....we go out to eat more...we do things we really enjoy....and mostly we love to spend time together.

 

So to encourage others...once careers are established...and the kids have left the nest....you can grow closer than ever and enjoy life more. We look forward to the next 30 years.

[basil67]

I don't agree that society views longevity as the most important thing in a marriage. Instead, I think society views compatibility and respect as being the most important things. It's the reason why strong support for leaving a broken marriage is common these days.

 

As for me, I'm not a fan of promising 'till death do we part'. I'm with my partner of 25 years because I still very much love him and want to be with him. It's not because of a promise I made a long time ago.

Edited June 25, 2017 by basil67
clarity