MM threatening to tell

[Jezebel4]

Hello again,

 

I had gone NC with MM for about a month, so we didn't communicate in April.... then we started talking again. I live on the east coast and he lives on the west coast. I am in graduate school and will not be completely finished for a year and a half. I encouraged him to take this time to give his relationship with his wife 100% for an amount of time to be determined by him, and that we could revisit talking if they still were not happy. He has recently been saying he should come clean to her. Everyone here was right, I have never been anything more than a pawn. OW/OM who may be reading, don't allow yourself to be triangulated. And know that they are coming clean to light a fire under the betrayed spouse.

[Jezebel4]

I know it's going to be hard to let go so I thought I would come back so that I can be held accountable for NC this time.

[FoundMyStrength]

Pawn in a game is right. My xMM summed it up neatly when he said, prior to returning to his wife in another city: "Either my marriage will survive this [us] or it won't." I was just a pawn used to test the soundness of his marriage and the strength of his love for her.

 

Glad you're here. Know that you're worth more than being used to stroke his ego or prompt change from his wife. Drop him now, and never look back.

[SammySammy]

True.

 

When I figured out she was just using me it made me angry. Just a pawn in her game. i decide to use her back, but that only prolonged my misery.

 

Going no contact and ending the relationship was the best thing I did.

[carhill]

OP, what prompted you to break NC?

 

I don't know your story but have a lifetime of experience with affairs so presume they've had no D-day as of yet?

 

Here's how I handled things with my longest lived MW, many years ago. I gathered up all her love letters and cards and sent them to her husband. NC wasn't a problem after that.

 

Good luck!

[SammySammy]

OP, what prompted you to break NC?

 

I don't know your story but have a lifetime of experience with affairs so presume they've had no D-day as of yet?

 

Here's how I handled things with my longest lived MW, many years ago. I gathered up all her love letters and cards and sent them to her husband. NC wasn't a problem after that.

 

Good luck!

 

Boy, you're coldblooded.

 

I just went away. Didn't see the need to get her husband involved. Kids.

[Jezebel4]

OP, what prompted you to break NC?

 

I don't know your story but have a lifetime of experience with affairs so presume they've had no D-day as of yet?

 

Here's how I handled things with my longest lived MW, many years ago. I gathered up all her love letters and cards and sent them to her husband. NC wasn't a problem after that.

 

Good luck!

 

He told a mutual acquaintance to send a message, and I unblocked him

[freengreen]

Pawn in a game is right. My xMM summed it up neatly when he said, prior to returning to his wife in another city: "Either my marriage will survive this [us] or it won't." I was just a pawn used to test the soundness of his marriage and the strength of his love for her.

 

Glad you're here. Know that you're worth more than being used to stroke his ego or prompt change from his wife. Drop him now, and never look back.

.. or more like...her love for him ( to take him back).

 

OP, the instant you know that you are his toy, you leave. We might be stupid( to get into an A), but we are still people, not toys.

Edited June 24, 2017 by freengreen

[MJJean]

He told a mutual acquaintance to send a message, and I unblocked him

 

Do you think he was giving you a heads up because he is serious about telling his wife about the A or do you think he's threatening to tell her because he's trying to manipulate you into continuing contact?

[FoundMyStrength]

.. or more like...her love for him ( to take him back).

 

OP, the instant you know that you are his toy, you leave. We might be stupid( to get into an A), but we are still people, not toys.

 

Good point freengreen. Though my xMM never told his wife, at least to my knowledge, he was certainly not careful during the affair. I was always the one worrying about people seeing, talking, workplace gossip in an organization where he and his wife had many friends. It was almost as if he WANTED to be caught. Perhaps to force the issue in a marriage that was not making him very happy at that moment? So that she'd be forced to prove her love to him via the "Pick me dance"?

 

For all of us who were used by these men, then disposed of, we should give thanks we're out. :-)

[elaine567]

Good point freengreen. Though my xMM never told his wife, at least to my knowledge, he was certainly not careful during the affair. I was always the one worrying about people seeing, talking, workplace gossip in an organization where he and his wife had many friends. It was almost as if he WANTED to be caught. Perhaps to force the issue in a marriage that was not making him very happy at that moment? So that she'd be forced to prove her love to him via the "Pick me dance"?

 

I think for some it is about just about getting a huge kick out of being nearly discovered, about nearly losing it all, and the power that it gives him. Risky situations pump up the adrenaline.

A bit like negotiating the white water rapids.

You could get killed, but the fact you live to fight another day, gives you a huge thrill, a buzz and a high.

[Jezebel4]

Do you think he was giving you a heads up because he is serious about telling his wife about the A or do you think he's threatening to tell her because he's trying to manipulate you into continuing contact?

 

He is being manipulative. I have seen so many affairs on this board where OW/OM get excited when WS "comes clean" to BS. He is framing this like "I'm showing my intentions of ending my marriage, and starting anew." Bull****. This is an effort that will result in pick me dancing and false reconciliation. If he wanted to be honest with her, he should have done so while he was deployed. I have talked to him about things I have learned from this site Chump Lady and other sites dealing with marriage, fidelity, and reconciliation. I have told him that where he should go from here to honor everyone, is to not communicate with me whatsoever. He told her in February that he wanted to try again, and she said the same thing. Do what you told her you would do and give the relationship another chance. Do the work. Even if she still isn't interested in your needs, even if she has a guy she is talking to

[rumblefish12]

Hello again,

 

I had gone NC with MM for about a month, so we didn't communicate in April.... then we started talking again. I live on the east coast and he lives on the west coast. I am in graduate school and will not be completely finished for a year and a half. I encouraged him to take this time to give his relationship with his wife 100% for an amount of time to be determined by him, and that we could revisit talking if they still were not happy. He has recently been saying he should come clean to her. Everyone here was right, I have never been anything more than a pawn. OW/OM who may be reading, don't allow yourself to be triangulated. And know that they are coming clean to light a fire under the betrayed spouse.

As the MM in former A, I'd see what he is doing is threatening you to stay connected. I don't disagree with the other posters that the threat of getting caught is part of what drives the adrenaline and makes As what they are. But from my perspective I didn't want to get caught. I didn't want to hurt my W. And although the risk was there in the A, I didn't enjoy that. It was more like acting against my own self interest . . . like an addiction. I'd see myself doing things as if they were someone else. I'd ask myself, how could I do that? So I wouldn't assume all men want to get caught to try to get their wives to step up their game. I'd actually bet that is a pretty small percentage. I do think he's messing with your head though.

[cocorico]

I think for some it is about just about getting a huge kick out of being nearly discovered, about nearly losing it all, and the power that it gives him. Risky situations pump up the adrenaline.

A bit like negotiating the white water rapids.

You could get killed, but the fact you live to fight another day, gives you a huge thrill, a buzz and a high.

 

Sometimes the reason they're sloppy about discovery is because they don't care if they are discovered, because they've checked out. Or they assume the BW doesn't care. But even a BW who doesn't care (about the WS, or the M) might suddenly "care" when the prospect of losing the WS (or paycheck, or security, or status, or whatever) looms, confusing the WS who figured it would be straightforward (DDay -> freedom) and instead finds themselves in the middle of the pick-me dance unsure of how to play it. Either way, messy. Best avoided.

 

My H (fMM) did tell the XBW, but only at the point of leaving, to try to get her to understand how serious he was about leaving. Telling the BW if you're not serious about leaving and not serious about reconciling, to watch the chips fall where they may, strikes me as highly manipulative. Anyone who treats others so instrumentally isn't R material, IMV.

[freengreen]

Good point freengreen. Though my xMM never told his wife, at least to my knowledge, he was certainly not careful during the affair. I was always the one worrying about people seeing, talking, workplace gossip in an organization where he and his wife had many friends. It was almost as if he WANTED to be caught. Perhaps to force the issue in a marriage that was not making him very happy at that moment? So that she'd be forced to prove her love to him via the "Pick me dance"?

 

For all of us who were used by these men, then disposed of, we should give thanks we're out. :-)

So its kinda a 'warning affair'....ugh we are even left to make up these affair names for what they did... jumbo good riddance.

 

I am starting to feel that slight indifference now a days about my XMM, like if I see him kissing some other woman (other than his wife), I will react with an eye roll and move on. Its getting neutral, no love no hate. Just shades.

[Jezebel4]

After some reflection, I don't have anything to lose if he tells his wife.

 

He presented himself as a soon to be single man, after he said that was not the case, I completely backed off. I have not seen him, sent pics, initiated conversations, spoken sexually or romantically to him. I feel foolish because I believed him and got sucked in initially, but I have not knowingly pursued this unavailable man since.

 

If he is willing to "out me" despite my objections and all of the information I gave him on false reconciliations and pick me dancing, I never was dealing with anyone who took me seriously anyway.

 

And he might be able to light a fire under his wife by telling, but after the hysterical bonding and threat of OW/OM is over, most betrayed spouses, are LIVID. Understandably so.

 

He promised not to tell and apologized for making me upset last time we spoke, but if he does end up telling, let the chips fall where they may.

[doble]

OP, what prompted you to break NC?

 

I don't know your story but have a lifetime of experience with affairs so presume they've had no D-day as of yet?

 

Here's how I handled things with my longest lived MW, many years ago. I gathered up all her love letters and cards and sent them to her husband. NC wasn't a problem after that.

 

Good luck!

 

That is cold, damn why didn't I think of it

[carhill]

yeah, the guy had threatened to kill me so I was ready to go to war. All I needed was a reason.

 

Best part?

 

He never saw the stuff. They were going to go on a cruise a few days later (I knew this! ) and MW happened to be at the ranch and got the mail!

 

I know because they were still in the manila envelope when I helped her clean out her storage, sheesh, nearly 20 years later, long after they had gotten divorced. She had kept them.

 

Weird world. Anyway, not really relevant to the OP's deal but it was one good way to put a serial MW off her game. It wasn't like her H was oblivious. He knew she'd had EA's and PA's with other guys, some concurrently. She happened to be a woman who a lot of men liked

[misspalmy]

maybe you should tell her?

[Jezebel4]

maybe you should tell her?

 

No, we are not actively involved, let sleeping dogs lie