Phone Call to Ex

[Timpye]

Tonight I had a 30 minute phone call to my ex. She broke up with me 3 months ago. This was our first time hearing each other since then. We just talked about what we have been up to in life. The phone call went fairly well, I was surprised she opened up and told me her mental health hasn't been the best.. Anyway where to next? I didn't want to bring up any emotional things so I didn't. What should be the next move..

[staggerlee71]

This is what I have learned about speaking with exes, on again off again relationships etc.

 

If you play a game of moves, it will turn into push pull and cat and mouse.

There is so much advice out there that will tell you to let her come to you, let her initiate contact, don't talk about the relationship and only have fun which will re-attract her.

 

Its all crap. It has psychological validity, but only with the insecure. its a game of manipulation.

 

Know what you want, tell her, and she will respond directly to you. If you are very clear, concise, and direct to your want here, she will do the same(unless she is a manipulative person)

 

Its a risk you should take. get to the bottom of this quickly. If she says she doesn't want to get back together, its not because you rushed her. she doesn't want it.

 

There is nothing you can do to make her feel a certain way about you, so no need to play games. she want in or out. what will be will be for you so roll the dice so you can get on with it

[ExpatInItaly]

Who placed this call? You or her?

[Timpye]

This is what I have learned about speaking with exes, on again off again relationships etc.

 

If you play a game of moves, it will turn into push pull and cat and mouse.

There is so much advice out there that will tell you to let her come to you, let her initiate contact, don't talk about the relationship and only have fun which will re-attract her.

 

Its all crap. It has psychological validity, but only with the insecure. its a game of manipulation.

 

Know what you want, tell her, and she will respond directly to you. If you are very clear, concise, and direct to your want here, she will do the same(unless she is a manipulative person)

 

Its a risk you should take. get to the bottom of this quickly. If she says she doesn't want to get back together, its not because you rushed her. she doesn't want it.

 

There is nothing you can do to make her feel a certain way about you, so no need to play games. she want in or out. what will be will be for you so roll the dice so you can get on with it

 

Thanks bro. Yes I agree with you 100%. The only thing is she broke up with me not because she "fell out of love" but because she wanted time to be single through college. She said she hopes things work out one day in the future. I have given her space since the break, and understand her reasons for leaving. I don't want her to take me back now when she is not ready either, but I would like to be on speaking and seeing terms so she does not drop out of my life. But you are right I think I will just be up front and honest when I see fit, thanks for the words.

[Timpye]

Who placed this call? You or her?

 

I messaged her during the week asking if she would like to get in contact. She said she would call me this weekend and did.

[SpecialJ]

Know what you want, tell her, and she will respond directly to you. If you are very clear, concise, and direct to your want here, she will do the same(unless she is a manipulative person)

 

This is good advice in general. I've taken some time to figure out what I want with a couple exes I was still in close contact with and then been clear about my feelings but not pushy or aggressive about it. Neither responded to what I had to say, though they kept in touch otherwise. I later learned that both are incredibly manipulative people. And I've never ignored anyone who has poured their heart out to me, even when not interested (including, wait for it, one of the exes who poured out his heart a few months earlier then "took it back"!).

 

My caution would be, you're in college and she doesn't sound ready for a relationship. So even if she wanted to start again, it probably wouldn't last quite yet. Which means it may be better to stay out of touch and keep letting her do her thing for a while so you don't get friend zoned and it doesn't get complicated. What is your long term goal here?

[Timpye]

Hey thanks for your message. She is in college not me (I'm a bit older). Yeah I don't think she is ready to settle down yet (she's not). I'm going to make sure I don't get friendzoned. Basically I want to keep the emotional and physical connection we had alight in some capacity whilst she does her own thing (I am completely fine with whatever she does). I want to eventually be exclusive with this girl again when she sees the time is fit, but in no way want to pressure her at all. At the same time I loved our connection and would love to keep some of the spark going.

[SpecialJ]

I actually think you may be better leaving it alone for now, maybe with a bit of occasionally friendly texting. The only time I've gotten back together with "missed connections" was with only casual contact or very low contact -- months without hanging out, then something happened when we were both in a better place for it. She won't forget you, but I'd let her get through college and initiate the contact level for now. Keep it really low and don't worry about the spark, which will fizzle if things end up complicated due to timing. It will stay exciting if it's unrealized and then works itself out.

[preraph]

I just think that since she broke up with you so she could be single, you should realize she's probably not coming back. If you want a guy, you don't break up with them to be single. I'm sure she cares about you but it sounds like she's done being exclusive with you at least.

[BC1980]

Thanks bro. Yes I agree with you 100%. The only thing is she broke up with me not because she "fell out of love" but because she wanted time to be single through college. She said she hopes things work out one day in the future. QUOTE]

 

All of that is basically code that she's not that interested in you. It really doesn't matter if she says she still loves you because she's not with you. If she truly loved you, she would want to be with you and want to commit to you. No one voluntarily leaves a person they love to be single.

 

I really don't think there is any "next move." A phone call from her doesn't mean that much. In fact, it's actually worse that she is okay contacting you because it means she is not that upset about the breakup. She's okay calling you and chatting because it doesn't hurt her to do that. It sounds like she is indifferent to you, which is the worst thing she could be.

[DarrenB]

It doesn't really sound like neither of you are in the correct or most appropriate mindset to try and escalate or progress in any way with each other.

 

Doing so would only aggravate previous issues that you had, so I suggest you continue talking to her by all means but keep it to a minimum. Don't get too invested, because after all she did break up with you so any sentiment or reconciling will have to be evident from her behalf.

[Timpye]

Thanks bro. Yes I agree with you 100%. The only thing is she broke up with me not because she "fell out of love" but because she wanted time to be single through college. She said she hopes things work out one day in the future. QUOTE]

 

All of that is basically code that she's not that interested in you. It really doesn't matter if she says she still loves you because she's not with you. If she truly loved you, she would want to be with you and want to commit to you. No one voluntarily leaves a person they love to be single.

 

I really don't think there is any "next move." A phone call from her doesn't mean that much. In fact, it's actually worse that she is okay contacting you because it means she is not that upset about the breakup. She's okay calling you and chatting because it doesn't hurt her to do that. It sounds like she is indifferent to you, which is the worst thing she could be.

 

It is not code. She truely loves me. Yes it doesn't matter at all because she left. She has a fear of intimicy and i think was too afraid and had too much going on to be emotionally available. She's not indifferent. But I understand she left and I need to bite the bullet. Thanks for saying all the textbook stuff which is true.

[SayAnything]

I agree with SpecialJ and DarrenB. You can keep up the chatting a while longer, and you should get some sense of what she wants if you talk to her a bit more - just realize you are headed into dangerous territory. People who want you back should make that super clear. That said, I'm in a similar situation and my ex isn't being clear, but is still being clear that he loves me, etc.

 

Sometimes it's not that simple. Sounds like she's missing you, and wanted to reach out, but probably still knows she needs to stay single and finish living her life while she's young. But her heart may not be in it if she really loves you still. Only time will tell - and if you're up for it, a clear conversation about what she wants.

 

Good luck!