Heartbroken and just want to stop hurting

[rcdan001]

My wife and I met and married in 2000. In mid 2004, I discovered that she had started talking to her old high school sweetheart and had actually met him a couple of times. She pledged to stop communication and we went to counseling. Then in early 2005, she all of a sudden tells me she's not happy and doesn't want to be married anymore. I ask if it's the other man and of course she denies that it is (it was). The short version is she decides she wants a separation and moves out of our house into an apartment. She then engages in a full on relationship with the OM which only lasted about 4 months. She also becomes pregnant by him during this time. After that relationship crumbles, she and I continue being friends until she confesses she is pregnant, but I immediately tell her I still love her and want to be with her and we can make it work, so we decide to reconcile. The OM gives up his rights so when our son was born, we made everything legal so that I am his father.

 

Fast forward to 2009. She starts developing a friendship with a man at work. I was either naive or stupid because I didn't think anything of it until it was too late. She again decides she is unhappy, doesn't want to be married anymore and moves out into an apartment. She again denies she is involved with anyone else (however, she was). I again, try to fight to keep us together, but am unsuccessful. She pursues the relationship with the OM from work and I eventually force myself to try and move on and begin dating. During this time-frame she wants to file the divorce and I agree to pay for half if she agrees to my terms of equal custody of our son, which she does, so we end up divorced. The OM breaks it off with her after about 8 months and she is devastated and for the first time in her life, she experiences the pain she has put me through. By this time I am past still wanting to reconcile, but I do give her a shoulder to cry on and support her emotionally during this time.

 

Over the next couple years neither of us see anyone else and we maintain mostly a friendship. There are a couple of brief periods of intimacy and talk of reconciliation, but she always immediately wanted marriage and moving back in together which I was hesitant to commit to, so she would pull back and basically say it was all or nothing.

 

Sometime in 2013, although we still live apart, we begin to get closer and eventually evolve back into being a couple. She fully admits that she made mistakes and bad choices and wants us to be together, live together, and be married. In hindsight, I think I thought I was being guarded because although we both knew we were in a relationship and were a couple, I wouldn't acknowledge or call it a relationship, we didn't tell each other "I love you", and I never could commit to us living together. For about 3.5 years we continue on as a couple but live apart (she eventually buys a house 4 houses away from me). We were always together over the weekends (usually staying at one or the others place) and routinely had dinner together multiple time during the week. We did everything with our son together. We were a couple.

 

Throughout most of 2016, she started developing a deep friendship with someone else at work. Late last year I noticed her becoming more distant and detached. In January I asked her about it. I told her she was checked out and and said I felt like her friendship with this other person was replacing our relationship. She responded angrily and told me she wasn't happy and we hadn't been a couple in a long time. That she no longer wanted to be in a romantic relationship with me. She said we had "just been friends" for a long time now and so she didn't understand what I felt was different. There are so many more details, but it would end up being a novel. Let's just say I have spent the last 7 months trying to cling to our relationship. Professing my love to her, apologizing for taking her for granted and not meeting her needs. Telling her I would marry her today and we can live together again... all to no avail. She has no interest in any of that.

 

About a month and a half ago I looked at the cell bill. Although I knew she and the other person texted all the day, I found they were literally texting hundreds of times all throughout the day and well into the night. They also had begun talking every night for 2 to 3 hours until 2am - 3am, then the texts or short calls would start back up at 6:30 or 7:00am. I confronted her and told her that she was in an emotional affair at the minimum, if it had not already moved to physical. All she would say is they are friends and she is doing nothing wrong.

 

Without inundating you with all the specific details - there have been many conversations, ups, downs, emotional breakdowns, etc over the past month and a half. About two weekends ago, she finally admitted that she had feelings for this other person. That she loved them and needed to figure that out and explore what it meant. She said she didn't know how the other person felt about her (which I don't believe), but that if they came to her and said they loved her too and wanted a "dating relationship", she would want to do that. This was a huge emotional blow to me. Although it really didn't change the situation because I already knew she had a strong emotional connection to this person, I still had that glimmer of hope as long as she denied romantic feelings for them. Now that she has admitted those feelings, I'm devastated!

 

This other person also happens to be another woman (an openly gay woman). I think on some level, although I knew she had the feelings, I was hoping this might keep my partner from admitting romantic interest. I had hoped the realization that she would be in a gay relationship would somehow prevent her from acting on it, but at this point it doesn't seem to bother her.

 

I am completely heart-broken, lonely, and devastated. I so much regret not being able to commit to allowing us to live together or remarry. If I had, we might not be here today. I thought I was protecting myself but obviously that is not the case!

 

I've been reading all the save your marriage material and trying to follow the advice. I'll do good for a day or two, then have an emotional breakdown and fall of the wagon. It always seems like 1 step forward and 4 back.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I so much regret not being able to commit to allowing us to live together or remarry. If I had, we might not be here today.

 

The only regret you should have is taking her back the second time. And really, even the first. This woman is not monogamy material so unless you want to be in an open relationship, you need to get her off the pedestal you have her on and realize you can do way better than this.

[rcdan001]

I agree. I'm just finding it so hard to follow logic instead of emotion.

 

Both my parents have passed away and I'm not really close with the rest of my family. I'm also an introvert, so I don't really have any friends I socialize with. The only people that are a constant in my life are her and my son. I guess that's why it feels like such a significant loss.

 

In 2009\2010, I was able to get to the point of being over her. I know I can get there again... the ride just hurts like hell.

 

She is able to just throw me away so easily. As long as she's doing what she wants, nothing else matters. She thinks as long as she's doing what makes her happy, that justifies what she's doing.

[rcdan001]

I made a new friend last weekend. It was actually someone in a similar situation. Her husband was having a long running affair and planning to leave and she had been trying to get him to work on the marriage to no avail.

 

We were both emotional messes. We started talking by email just to give each other support and help get through our situations. After about a day we started communicating by text. At first we just talked about our spouses and all that we'd been doing to try and save our relationships. After about another day we started talking about other things and really just quit worrying about our spouses.

 

We didn't cross any lines and we both recognized and acknowledged that each of us was vulnerable. Nonetheless, we had a really good connection and basically stayed in contact via text all day, every day last week. We both were enjoying each others friendship so much, that we both stopped obsessing and worrying about our partners. We both stopped pursuing. We both started to feel normal and not sad or depressed. We both mentioned how people around us (at work) noticed a positive change in our demeanor.

 

Anyway... all that is to say, last week was a really good week. I quit caring what my W was doing. I made no attempt to contact her. I didn't invite her to anything with our son and I (something I always do). When we did talk regarding our son, I didn't try to engage her or prolong the conversation.

 

I felt good for the first time in 7 months. It was nice to have a distraction and talk to someone that actually enjoyed talking back.

 

For my new friend, this change in her behavior - not pursuing her husband, not trying to engage him and basically not caring what he did, while openly texting me - jarred him to his senses and he decided to end his affair and ask her to reconcile.

 

I am extremely happy for her and I genuinely hope she gets all the happiness she deserves. Of course, with this change however, there is no place for her and I to continue talking, so I have lost my friend. With that, all those emotions and sadness I had been able to not experience last week came rushing back.

 

I was able to not care what my wife was doing last week, but now I'm obsessing about it again. I had not been looking at the cell bill but am now back at it. I don't know why I insist on torturing myself so much. I tell myself don't look, it doesn't change a damn thing and just upsets me. But I still do it.

 

I noticed there had not been hardly any phone or text communication since yesterday afternoon (there's usually constant communication all through the day and night), so my immediate thought was they're together. That's the only time they're not talking or texting. All I can think about is they're spending the weekend together and they have spent the night together. I've been obsessing about it all morning. I finally just went outside and walked over into the neighbors back yard so I could see my wifes driveway and sure enough, the other person is there.

 

I am so ready to hate her. I cannot get there fast enough!

 

I'm sorry for such long posts. I get long-winded.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I noticed there had not been hardly any phone or text communication since yesterday afternoon (there's usually constant communication all through the day and night), so my immediate thought was they're together. That's the only time they're not talking or texting. All I can think about is they're spending the weekend together and they have spent the night together. I've been obsessing about it all morning. I finally just went outside and walked over into the neighbors back yard so I could see my wifes driveway and sure enough, the other person is there.

 

I am so ready to hate her. I cannot get there fast enough!

 

The opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. You need to not be desiring to get to hate, but to get to a point of acceptance. And your current living arrangement (being able to see her home from yours) is a recipe for disaster because she has such a hold on you.

 

STOP looking at the phone records for starters. And get into counseling. Jumping into a relationship with another woman is not the answer at all because you're not over your ex and that would not be fair to another woman (I've been there, and hearing about the ex and what a horrible person she is over and over and over gets very very old). Getting FRIENDS is a good idea, though. Join a Meetup group, go to church, just get out and try to meet people.

[rcdan001]

Thank you for the feedback CautiouslyOptimistic. I really appreciate it!

 

Maybe hate was the wrong word. I hate was she is doing. I will be glad when I get to a place where I am angry instead of sad. From past experience, I know I can get to indifference, but anger came first, so I'm just ready to get there. Anything but this complete funk.

 

I totally agree about not jumping into a relationship and that's not what we were doing. We were being friends to one another when that's what we both needed. Since we were in the same situation, we could relate. We were not local to one another and only communicated via text.

 

I have started counseling. I had my first session this past week. It took most of my hour to give my history and we discussed my childhood. I'm looking forward to my next session next week.

 

I know we all pretty much experience the same or similar feelings and phases. I can be alright one hour, then the next be sitting in the floor crying.

 

I've really been wanting to make contact with the W today (prior to knowing the other person was there) but have found ways to distract myself and focus on something different each time.

 

Thanks for letting me vent and caring enough to respond.

[rcdan001]

I feel fairly OK, right now. I feel a sense of acceptance. Of course, I've had this feeling before and it comes and go's... so I have no illusions that it's anything other than temporary. I'm just thankful whenever it comes along and I'll take it whenever it does.

 

It's when I feel like this I'm able to think rationally. I'm able to actually question why am I trying to hold on and wanting her to come back. Of course - in the morning I will probably be pining for her.

 

I deserve better. I know I do. She has shown she has no problems simply throwing our

 

I'm not perfect (no one is) and I take responsibility for my part in any of our issues, but I'm a good person and don't deserve what she's doing. I have never walked away from her or our relationship or been unfaithful, but she has shown repeatedly how easily she can.

[rcdan001]

And I was right. I feel like a piece of discarded trash this morning and all I want to do is cry. Until a couple weeks ago, she would still invite me to eat with her and our son at least once a week, maybe two. We still carried friendly (although short) phone conversation. As I've mostly given her space over the last few weeks, she no longer invites or makes any attempt to include me in anything and seems as though it doesn't bother her if we speak on the phone or not.

 

All I can think about is wanting to be with her and worried about every action I make and whether it will push her further away, while wanting it to pull her back. Even though I logically know it really doesn't matter. She is about as gone as she can be and there isn't anything I can do to pull her back.

 

Besides her being able to so easily walk away from our marriage and relationship, part of our problems were communication. When I was angry or bothered by something, I wouldn't confront her with it. I would hold it inside and it would eventually become resentment. I would then become distant and cold. Mind you, this is all subconscious when it's happening. I didn't do it intentionally or on purpose, but in hindsight can see that I did. And I take ownership of that.

 

I'm constantly reasoning with myself about what I should do and constantly analyzing it. I have stopped begging and pleading... but beyond that, I keep second guessing myself. The 180 gives the impression that I should pull away from her and be as disengaged as possible, but in my mind, this is a furthering of the negative behavior I exhibited in our relationship.

 

I've read other advice that says I need to act as her best friend. I need to accept how she feels and just be there as a friend in hopes that if the affair crashes, she will turn back to me (as her friend and safe place) for comfort. I am finding this to be EXTREMELY hard to do. It triggers all kinds of emotions, mostly alternating between anger and sadness. It also makes me feel like a pathetic doormat.

 

Except for this past week (when I had a distraction), I've been trying (in my mind) to be her best friend. I would invite her to anything our son and I was doing and not show her disappointment when she declined. I would carry normal, friendly conversation with her on the phone without showing emotion or getting into relationship talk. I offered to take care of things for her around the house. She was stressed about not having enough money for school books, so I told her to just relax and I would take care of it (I bought $300 worth of books for her). I also paid her pest control and didn't ask for her share of the phone bill this month. She's appreciative of these things and thanks me, but at the same time continues to treat me with such an indifference.

 

Not that I would anticipate her not treating me that way. I just explain it to say it makes it VERY hard for me to be her "best friend". It gives me a constant and repeated feeling of rejection and triggers anger at first, then sadness.

 

I'm ashamed to admit, but I had a very weak moment this morning. I texted her and said I felt like a piece of discarded trash. She called and asked why I would say something like that so I explained it. Of course, I was a bit emotional when doing so. I didn't beg and plead with her, but I did pour my feelings out. She just acknowledged and said she was sorry.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

The thing is, you still want something that is very, very bad for you (her). You've been a doormat for many years, and until you decide that you don't want to be a doormat anymore, you won't heal because you have it in your head that SHE is the one for you. Instead of spending all of your time and emotional energy focusing on what you can do, what you can say, how you can act so you can win her back, shift your energy into convincing yourself she is NOT good for you and that you deserve better. The only way you can do this is by doing the 180, which unfortunately is going to be very difficult for you to do since she only lives 4 houses away.

[rcdan001]

Thanks Cautiously

 

As usual, your insights are spot on and I appreciate the feedback.

 

This is where I want to get:

 

Instead of spending all of your time and emotional energy focusing on what you can do, what you can say, how you can act so you can win her back, shift your energy into convincing yourself she is NOT good for you and that you deserve better.

 

I just haven't quite figured out how to get there or found enough strength yet.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thanks Cautiously

 

As usual, your insights are spot on and I appreciate the feedback.

 

This is where I want to get:

 

 

 

I just haven't quite figured out how to get there or found enough strength yet.

 

The 180 will give you the strength you need (over time).

[BluesPower]

Ok I cannot take it anymore I just cannot...

 

Brother, are you kidding me with this woman, and your son whom which in not really your son. He is another man's son, you just adopted him for what reason, to please her, to stay in her life?

 

What are you thinking? This woman, has been taking a giant crap on your head since you met her. She has had how many affairs that you know about with how many different men?

 

Are you freaking kidding me?

 

This woman does not love you. She never has and she never will, ever love you. You have been pining for her to love you for how many years?

 

It is never going to happen. Do you understand that?

 

It was never anything you did except stay with her the first time she came home pregnant with another man's child. That is when at the very least you should have dumped her and never looked back.

 

This woman is using you and abusing you and you have allowed it to go on, that is your fault.

 

Please try to gain some self-respect and never ever even talk to this woman again. And let your "son" go, he as never yours just like this woman was never your.

 

I myself have done some stupid things before but even I have never done something so off the charts silly as this.

 

Listen, please stop this, this is not love on your part, it is masochistic, it is self torcher.

 

Please let this woman go and never look back, for your own good...

[rcdan001]

Thanks for the tough love, Blues!

 

You're right. A lot of my pain is a result of my own stupidity for repeatedly reconciling with her. I don't even really know if it's about her... or my dislike of change. She is comfortable and familiar. When we're together, I feel secure in the comfortableness. I don't like change.

 

I KNOW I will be better off moving on and getting over her... and I'm trying (I know it doesn't sound like it). That's part of why I'm pouring it all out here. When I get to feeling like I want to reach out to her, I post here and it seems to be helping by letting me release my frustrations and not seek her for support.

 

I will, respectfully, have to disagree with you on one point. My son is MY son. I have been his dad since the delivery room (he is 11 now). I have raised him, loved him and cared for him no different than if he was bio. The OM has never been in the picture, gave up his rights, and my son knows nothing of it. I am just as much a loving, caring, nurturing parent and provider to him as his mother is. I share equal physical custody. I will be his father\dad until the day I die.

 

Everything else regarding my unhealthy connection to her is fair game.

 

Again, thanks for the tough love feedback. I appreciate your support!

[rcdan001]

I'd like to add... Just from my posting on here this morning, I already feel better today.

 

I've managed to let those emotions out by posting them here. Right now, I have a contentment and lack of care of what she's doing today. I think I am going to take a shower, get dressed and go have and enjoy a nice meal by myself.

 

I know I sound like a huge pity party, and I'm sorry for that! I really do want to get better and move on. Thank you all for your patience with me.

[rcdan001]

I felt OK for the rest of the day yesterday. Whenever I felt obsessive thoughts starting I would immediately make an intentional effort to think of something else. I just kept myself distracted.

 

I have been even better all day today as well. Today I've really had a feeling of just letting it go and not letting it bother me. I haven't wondered what she was doing at all today... and honestly, I feel like I don't care. I think I'm finally coming around to accept that I have no influence over what she does (I've known that all along, but I still tried). I haven't had the urge to check the cell bill. It truly feels like a weight lifted.

 

I haven't had the urge to cry at all today. In fact, I've even questioned why in the hell would I want to stay with someone that has treated me this way.

 

After work, I went to a restaurant by myself and enjoyed a meal, came home and watched a movie and was perfectly content. I realize\remember that I will be ok by myself.

 

Thanks for listening everyone!

[whichwayisup]

Do counseling. It'll help prepare you to do what I think you know you need to do but are terrified of pulling the plug. Your marriage (most of it) has been a lie. You wife has cheated and had inappropriate relationships with many men over the past years and hasn't been a good wife to you.

[rcdan001]

Thanks, whichwayisup!

 

I have my second counseling appt this Thursday evening. You are 100% accurate. I know what needs to be done. I've just been too scared to do it - but I think I'm ready now.

 

I still haven't had the urge to cry or have any emotional breakdowns. I can't say that she hasn't popped in my head, but I quickly think about something else or distract myself. Mind over matter. I haven't let myself be concerned about what she's doing or who she's with... and I still haven't had the urge to check the cell bill.

 

I think I'm ready to move on. I won't lie... it won't be effortless, but I feel that I'm finally ready to work toward that.

[rcdan001]

I'm angry today!

[Ahurtgirl]

There is someone so much better for you out there. You will meet her when the time is right. Give your heart time to heal so you can be open and ready for the next chapter in your life. It will happen when you least expect it.

[rcdan001]

Thanks Ahurtgirl

 

I'm actually doing much better. I still haven't cried or had any emotional breakdowns over her since the last one I posted about here. My mindset has truly changed from focusing on getting her back to wanting to get over her. I won't lie and say thoughts of her haven't popped in my head at all, but when they do, I dismiss them and think about something else. When I do feel an emotion, it's usually anger (but not all consuming).

 

I haven't been looking at the cell phone usage anymore. I did look over at her driveway on Monday\Tuesday and saw the OW spent the night and day with her but, instead of making me breakdown, it just made me more determined to move on. To hell with her... they can have each other! I'm starting to get my self respect (worth) back. I DO feel I deserve someone better. One day, it will be her loss!

 

I quit letting my day revolve around the brief phone exchanges we typically would have after speaking with our son. In fact, I almost haven't spoken to her at all this week. When my son calls her, I just tell him beforehand that I don't need the phone afterwards. The only time I have spoke to her is once when she asked to speak to me and we briefly (about 2 minutes) discussed a school assignment that our son is working on over the summer.

 

Of course... I'm not going to completely dismiss the fact that my new medication (effexor) probably kicked in a couple weeks ago, but that's OK. If it helps me get to where I need to be, I'm ok with that. I'll take it for another month or two and then come off like I did in the past.

 

Thanks for taking the time to post! :-)

[Vapors]

Ok I cannot take it anymore I just cannot...

 

Brother, are you kidding me with this woman, and your son whom which in not really your son. He is another man's son, you just adopted him for what reason, to please her, to stay in her life?

 

What are you thinking? This woman, has been taking a giant crap on your head since you met her. She has had how many affairs that you know about with how many different men?

 

Are you freaking kidding me?

 

This woman does not love you. She never has and she never will, ever love you. You have been pining for her to love you for how many years?

 

It is never going to happen. Do you understand that?

 

It was never anything you did except stay with her the first time she came home pregnant with another man's child. That is when at the very least you should have dumped her and never looked back.

 

This woman is using you and abusing you and you have allowed it to go on, that is your fault.

 

Please try to gain some self-respect and never ever even talk to this woman again. And let your "son" go, he as never yours just like this woman was never your.

 

I myself have done some stupid things before but even I have never done something so off the charts silly as this.

 

Listen, please stop this, this is not love on your part, it is masochistic, it is self torcher.

 

Please let this woman go and never look back, for your own good...

 

 

While I agree with the sentiment regarding this poor excuse for a wife, that boy is his son. As the mother of an adopted child, I take issue with you advising this man to dump his child of 11 years, simply because they don't share the same DNA. He has raised that child, comforted him when he cried, tucked him in at night, held him and loved him and been there for him, always. Imagine how devastated that poor child would be if his father tossed him aside because of his mother's poor choices.

 

OP, your wife is not built for a long-term, monagamous relationship. You will never begin to heal from this trauma if you keep ripping off the bandage by looking through cell phone records and spying on her house. What do you hope to accomplish with this behavior? Stop focusing on her life, and start living your own. You know that the best way through this mess is with distractions; get out of the house, go see a show, join a Meet Up group, volunteer at a local animal shelter...there are plenty of things you can do to take your mind off of this woman and allow time to do its work. Best of luck.

[BluesPower]

While I agree with the sentiment regarding this poor excuse for a wife, that boy is his son. As the mother of an adopted child, I take issue with you advising this man to dump his child of 11 years, simply because they don't share the same DNA. He has raised that child, comforted him when he cried, tucked him in at night, held him and loved him and been there for him, always. Imagine how devastated that poor child would be if his father tossed him aside because of his mother's poor choices.

 

OP, your wife is not built for a long-term, monagamous relationship. You will never begin to heal from this trauma if you keep ripping off the bandage by looking through cell phone records and spying on her house. What do you hope to accomplish with this behavior? Stop focusing on her life, and start living your own. You know that the best way through this mess is with distractions; get out of the house, go see a show, join a Meet Up group, volunteer at a local animal shelter...there are plenty of things you can do to take your mind off of this woman and allow time to do its work. Best of luck.

 

Yes I agree... I did not realize that it was 11 years.

 

But I stand by everything else. And make an additional point. When she came home pregnant by another man, OP should have packed his bags and left that very second.

 

OP, you have got to let this woman go, file for divorce and find some type of self respect for yourself. What are you showing your son? You are showing him how to be a weak person and let people walk all over him.

 

You don't think that at 11 he does not realize what his mother is doing and that you have been taking that. You need to think again.

 

I really hope you can see reality one day soon...

[rcdan001]

Thanks Vapors!

 

You are correct about my son! I am his dad in every aspect and always will be. He has no idea of the circumstances of his conception nor did he have control over it. Nothing will ever change our relationship and regardless of others opinions, he will never ever be tossed aside! :-)

 

My "poor excuse for a wife" on the other hand, is a different story. And again, you are correct in everything you and BluesPower have said regarding her.

 

BluesPower - I am already seeing reality

 

When I first started posting this thread, I was in a complete emotional meltdown and could only focus on wanting to reconcile and was not coping well.

 

I have come a long ways in the last 2 weeks. I have been able to change my mindset. Instead of still wanting and focusing on wanting to get her back, my goal now is to let her go. I have made that decision that I do want to get over her and move on and that is what I'm working toward.

 

I have not been crying or emotional. I do still have occasional thoughts of her (it doesn't just switch off) but I do my best to find distractions and when I do have thoughts, it tends to just make me angry and more determined to move on.

 

I have stopped looking at the phone usage as well. I admit I have looked at her house (it's just so easy since I have a line of sight from my house) and saw the OW there, but this is now making me angry and resenting her instead of breaking me down.

 

I think I mentioned before that my whole day revolved around the brief phone interactions we'd have after talking to our son. I have stopped even talking to her since last weekend. When my son talks to her, I just let him hang up after the call. I make no effort (or have a desire) to speak to her. The only communication we've had in the last week is what was only necessary regarding our son... and that was very short, to the point, text and email.

 

So... Moving on is what I'm working on. I'm not pinning for her anymore. I am still pissed at her and am building resentment. Might not be considered healthy... but it's part of the process.