When my parents pay for things

[amkxoxo]

So I am 25 and very close to my parents. We do a lot together. I live independently, have a good job, and a nice place to live on my own. I use my own money for living. I have a lot of student debt so occasionally they will throw me some gas money or grocery money to help me.

 

This past weekend we went shopping. I went into a store and saw some really nice winter jackets. I noticed last year that everyone in my office had a nice jacket and I didn't. We dress up in my office, and I only had a really casual jacket that looked ridiculous. Also I only have a really heavy wool coat, and I was so hot sometimes last winter that I could have used something lighter. I saw these and they were lighter and nice. I ended up finding two I really liked. Then the woman at the store said if we bought two, that she would give us 10% off. I really wanted the two. My parents offered to pay, since I have been low on money recently. I appreciated it, and told them they can be for christmas.

 

I encouraged both my parents to look for themselves. Neither one did. My mother tried on some things, but didn't end up seeming that interested in buying for herself. We bought one coat there on the spot and the other the store is ordering and shipping to us for free since they did not have my size. My parents joke that it was expensive and they do a lot for me etc... I told them thank you and how I really need them for work and stuff.

 

Now that we have been home for a few days. I am staying with my parents for a few days, my mother keeps saying how she might keep the coat coming in the mail and how she paid for it. I am furious. I loved the coat and I thought it was for me. I picked it out and they offered to pay. She keeps saying that I don't need two, and how she will definitely be trying it on when it comes in. I am truly so angry. She didn't show interest in the coat. She could have tried it on. She didn't. She claims she didn't because I was already buying two and we couldn't get three.

 

I would have bought it myself since I like it so much. But now she keeps saying she might want it for herself, and how I still have the other coat. I am so mad. It is so frustrating. I feel like she is using the fact that she paid for it over my head. I want the coat. Its my coat. I tried it on and picked it. I am so annoyed. I would have ordered and paid for it myself if this was going to be the case. I don't know how to proceed. She and I are now arguing and fighting over this.

 

And now I tell her I found another coat, so she can have it and I will buy myself the other one, and now she is all "Oh no, I want nothing to do with the coat. Its your coat."

 

I am so confused. And now she is acting like I am the crazy one who is being emotional and mean about it. I went online, looked for other coats, and found one, so she could have the one we ordered and now she doesn't want it and refuses. This is ridiculous.

Edited June 24, 2017 by amkxoxo

[CC12]

It's pretty crummy to offer a gift and then decide to keep it for yourself. But your reaction to it is pretty bad, too. If someone changes their mind about giving you a gift, you can't fight them over it. You're not entitled to any gifts.

 

I think what your mom did was not okay, but I think you should still apologize for acting bratty about it, thank her for the coat she did buy you, and then never speak or even think about it again.

[Whodatdog]

You are so angry? Over a coat??? Really, after they did buy you one already?

 

Let your Mom have the coat, and if its so important that you have 2 coats, go buy the other coat yourself. The words "angry" and "furious" dont belong anywhere in that post.

 

Its only a coat. Maybe pick your battles a little better, and show a little more appreciation. Smile at your Mom, tell her to keep that coat, that you really like the coat she did buy you (did you forget that she bought you one?).

[Art_Critic]

My parents offered to pay, since I have been low on money recently.

 

 

I would have bought it myself since I like it so much.

Seems you couldn't afford the items anyhow..

 

This is ridiculous.

I agree... I'd hazard a bet your Mom was miffed because you had her buy two jackets all the while you really only needed one..

 

It also seems she was taking pokes at you for the same reason and in the end was only trying to drive home a point.. live within your means..

 

Parents never stop parenting..

[anika99]

While it is kind of odd that your mom decided she wanted the 2nd coat for herself when you were expecting both coats, your parents are very generous in paying for your groceries, paying for your gas and even buying you 1 coat. That is very generous of them considering that you are 25yrs old and shouldn't need your parents support at all anymore. For that reason alone, when your mom decided she wanted the 2nd coat for herself you should have graciously agreed and maybe even been a little bit happy that your mom was getting a coat too. There should have never been any fighting or arguing over it in the first place. I suspect your mom changed her mind again because she decided it wasn't worth having if it meant she was going to have to argue and fight with you over it.

[Els]

Your mum's behaviour was odd, but your reaction was completely out of line and immature. I mean, it's a little bit strange if someone retracts a gift, but in that case the appropriate response is, "Uh, sure", not being FURIOUS and ANGRY and arguing and fighting with them!

[amkxoxo]

Yes, I realized how ridiculous it was to argue over a coat. We quickly got over it and it wasn't a bit deal. I struggle at 25 with my relationship with my parents. I am extremely close with them and love them so much, but I have an independent life I have built for myself. I live an hour and a half from them in my own place. I am lonely sometimes, but I have friends and such in the area.

 

My mother is quite sensitive about me and my decisions of how I spend my time. She wants me to spend it all with her. I sometimes struggle thinking that maybe we are too close. She is my best friend and all, but even an ex of mine grew angry that I talked to her on the phone every night for a long time. Like right now I am off from work for the week and spending time at her house with her. I was planning half my week to be with her and half to be at my home seeing friends. She has now guilted me into staying the whole week with her, and she gets a little offended when I want to go off and see people my own age. She acts like I am picking them over her, when that isn't the case. When I tell her that I built my life far away, she immediately says "well that was your decision."

 

I got my job where I live. I unfortunately did not get a job right near where she lives. Another example is I wanted to go to a concert with my friends on a certain weekend. That particular weekend is one where my father and brothers go away on a guys trip every year and she is alone. Normally she likes it when I come stay with her then. But I could not control the concert being that night, down where I live. She was sort of mad when I told her my plans of spending that weekend with my friends, since it was always our weekend. I couldn't get the tickets for the concert, but if I did, was planning on going.

 

Even most recently, I was seeing a new man. I was excited about it and things were going well. Sunday was mothers day. I always see her on mothers day, but had told her I was unsure if I was going to be able to. Saturday I spent time with my guy at his house. I planned on going home Sunday to see her. I ended up sleeping over my guys house, we woke up late, and then I drove to see her. I strolled in a little before noon. She was so mad. And then even more mad when I told her I stayed over his house. She was mad I didn't spend more time with her, or the whole weekend. I had to leave at 6, to go home, because I had work the next day.

 

I could see why she was mad, but I also have my own life. Most of my friends saw their mothers for a few hours that day and that was it. She is so supportive of me and wants me to find a nice guy, but she has openly said she is afraid once I find a man, that she won't see me as much. And truth be told, that is most likely true. But I can't not live my life. I want to date and meet a man and live MY life, not my family's life.

 

When I try to pull away and gain some distance from my family in any way, my mother specifically, she sees it as insulting and me slapping her in the face. I'm 25. I just feel like I am way too close to my family. I think my parents are the best in the world and they do so much for me. I appreciate it all. I try here and there to buy them things to make them happy, or surprise them in little ways. I try to be good to them too. I know my mom sometimes buys me things because she is a good person, but sometimes I feel like its to keep me close to her. I don't want that relationship.

[GunslingerRoland]

It sounds like your Mom isn't letting go of you. It isn't unreasonable for you to spend 6 hours with her on Mother's Day. That sounds pretty normal to me. It sounds like she doesn't want to recognize that you are an independent adult.

 

Oh and I know you're over the coat thing, but 10% savings is nothing, you should have just bought the one coat, and then if you wanted a second one save up money and wait until it's on sale.

[d0nnivain]

You need to understand that their "gifts" and "help" come with a price: your independence. Every time you accept something from them you are reinforcing in their mind that you are not a full adult yet. In part they use this help to control you. I was there at your age; having only been out of grad school & my parents' house for 1 year at 25.

 

 

Re-do your budget. Think about needs v. wants. Find ways to get more money if that is what it takes. Say no more then you say yes when they offer to pay.

 

 

Otherwise understand that what happened here is the "price" for the financial assistance from your parents.