Cam21 Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 Hi everyone, I really need some advice if you're willing to impart some wisdom. My girlfriend and I have been together for 1.5 years now. We were best friends for 10 years prior to dating and I love her so much. Being together is the best thing to ever happen to me; we all know how terrifying it is to fall in love with your best friend, could be a complete nightmare or the most amazing thing. The latter is something that doesn't come around often and I don't want to ruin or jeopardize anything. Around 4 months into our relationship, she started to gradually gain more weight and is now 30-35lbs heavier. I was the opposite and lost 15lbs from then to now. She acknowledges the weight gain and often expresses how she wants to lose weight but it's really hard. She's a really BIG foodie and diets are particularly hard for her to stay with (as for anyone). But I think the biggest factor for her weight gain comes from stresses, mostly personal. She just started working which has added onto her stresses and completely wipes her out by the time she's off; all she wants to do is just lay down, which is understandable. But with the weight gain, she has also stopped putting so much effort into her appearance like she used to in the beginning (even for work). She used to love dressing up nice because it gave her confidence, and she still loves to dress up, but now with work, she just say she doesn't have as much time for that now. And on her days off with me, she just wants to relax in sweats. I dress up nice in hopes of maybe encouraging her to do the same; I do it because it gives me confidence and also I know it will make her more attracted to me, but this plan hasn't worked very well. So basically long story short, I've been finding myself less and less physically/sexually attracted to my girlfriend. I suggest something fun like doing a couple's dance class but she's always tired after work. She doesn't want to join a gym because they're too expensive for her right now (paying loans/rent). I don't know what to do, it's killing me. Like during sex I have to fantasy about other stuff and when we're out in public, it feels so weird/off (with me dressed up nice and her in sweats/tshirt). I feel like such an ******* because I don't have many close friends and don't take about emotions with family so basically she's supported and understood me more than anyone. I really don't want to break up with her but I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't thought about it a lot.
elaine567 Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 Could she be depressed or just ill maybe? I guess she is not elderly, so "tired all the time" in a young person needs to be looked into. A trip to the doctor may be in order for some blood tests if nothing else. 1
SammySammy Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 (edited) Whatever you do, don't say anything negative to her about her weight or the way she dresses. It doesn't work and she will resent you forever. The bottom line is nothing will change until she decides to change. There is nothing you can do to make that decision for her. You can be a positive example. You can be supportive and encouraging. Just remember that permanent weight loss is a lifestyle change. Nothing she does to appease you will be a lifestyle change. Thus, it will be temporary. The switch won't flip until she decides to flip it. Which means you might have to consider your options because she may never flip that switch. In that case, you must be prepared to move on. Find someone who matches your lifestyle and expectations. It's unfortunate because people should know maintaining your appearance helps to maintain relationships. Edited June 25, 2017 by MidKnightDreams 2
salparadise Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 (edited) Yes, a trip to the doctor including a thyroid check. The lack of energy could be a cause or a symptom. If there's not a physical/hormonal problem then it's psychological. You say it's likely the stress of having a new job, but stress doesn't cause weight gain all by itself. I wonder if she's binging on junk food when you're not looking? It takes calories to put on weight, and to maintain it. Obesity is an eating disorder like anorexia but in the opposite direction. She needs to address the cause before that 30lbs. turns into 130lbs. She has to make a decision to change her life by changing her lifestyle. You can't do that for her. It's a tough problem for you. You love the person but have fallen out of love with her body, and it's not something you have control over. I think you have to be honest and kind with her and yourself when the time comes to take control of YOUR life. Being kind means not shaming. Think carefully about what you say. There is significant effort through media and elsewhere to get society to accept obesity as a no-fault condition, a protected class. But nobody is morally obliged to stay with a person because they became obese. It affects more than physical attraction, and if she's not dealing with it... It's a hard place to be for both of you. You need to get clear in your own mind how much you will tolerate and for how long, and eventually, how to let go in a loving and compassionate way in order to create a future that includes a fulfilling relationship. You only get one ticket to ride... you have to make the best of it, and sometimes that means making decisions that are in your own best interests. Counseling will help you find the clarity to do what you must without guilt. Edited June 25, 2017 by salparadise
Bastile Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 Putting on 2 stone is absolutely crazy - completely letting yourself go. My experience has been that there are no easy answers for this. Sorry to tell you that. I think some women look good to get the relationship. When they get the relationship, it's mission accomplished. Then this sort of thing happens. The one time that I tried to change a situation like this led to resentment on her part. I was doing boxing at the time, and tried softly to get her out jogging with me each morning, and she would lash out saying that I was "trying to change her". So, naturally I stopped, and we drifted apart. The way relationships are set up is that everything leads towards marriage: which is the ultimate sacrifice for a man in a relationship. As you go down that path of getting to know one another, being exclusive, moving in, getting engaged - the whole thing is really an audition. This is when you get the best behaviour. Anything "wrong" that you're getting now will be magnified when married. If she puts on 2 stone (!!!) willy-nilly whilst dating, what do you think it'll be when she has your children? And what do you think it'll be like when you have invested everything into the marriage and family? It'll be a disaster. Who do you think bears the risk? You do. It's your responsibility now to be serious about how much you allow this to escalate. My way of dealing with this issue as a more mature/experienced man is to not rest on my laurels myself, and show a good example to a partner. Also being a bit intolerant of the obese, and not to allow any such "fat is beautiful" negative attitude to creep into the generally accepted beliefs in the relationship. Outside of that, just accepting that people will be who they are, and letting them be who they are. If they are someone that wants to balloon up as soon as they are with me, then I take that as a lack of respect for me and themselves. I see the life trajectory ahead of us, and I've decided to move on - rather than become any sort of "controlling boyfriend" who gets labelled as the bad guy, just for expecting that his girlfriend remain in decent shape. If I were seriously invested in her, as you are here, I would have a serious heart to heart with her on the matter. I would make it clear that it can't go on like this, and that there needed to be changes. Then, I would look at a timeframe (maybe 6 months) where I expected to see some changes in the right direction. If I didn't, I would be moving on. Even if she didn't make the effort for you, she likely would when back on the market and trying to attract someone else. That's just how it is. But you can't spend your entire life pushing a boulder up a hill for someone that just doesn't care. All the best.
thefooloftheyear Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 (edited) Showing a good example wont work Heart to heart talk wont work... Putting nude pics of women with great bodies on the refrigerator wont work. Showing her that you eat healthy wont work.. Planning active things that she probably has no interest in wont work Its probably the most common complaint among the men I have known in my life for problems in their marriage/relationship/bedroom.. And here is probably the worst part....While its easy to sit back and say the person is lazy, It may not be her fault, really...In some cases, perhaps there could be tweaks in lifestyle that yield results, but a good percentage can't get by with just "tweaks"....It becomes a gargantuan effort, the likes that not many people could sustain over the long haul... Some people are just genetically destined to be overweight...I know a lot of you will disagree, but there are just some people(esp women, btw) that have to live an impossibly difficult life to achieve even a decent weight(forget about fit/lean)...I have known some people that have done everything in their power, including grueling workouts and unbelievably restrictive diets, yet gain 5 lbs just eating a couple of slices of pizza..It may be doable for someone who was really hardcore, but for most mortals its a miserable existence...Is that what we want for people that we love?? Its one of the main reasons that fat shaming is somewhat cruel....Its often not really reasonable for those folks to get to a point where people feel they look "normal"... So, if that's the case with her, then you have a big decision on your hands..Explore all the possibilities mentioned, but be prepared for the reality that what you see now is about what it is going to be, and may probably get even worse.. Wish you the best TFY Edited June 25, 2017 by thefooloftheyear 4
stillafool Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 It's difficult OP and you are in a hard position. My ex husband started packing on the pounds right after our honeymoon and 6 months into our marriage he looked like an entirely different person. He was very sensitive about any mention of him losing weight and I was becoming less and less attracted to him every day. She has to want to lose weight and until that happens you're just stuck.
coolheadal Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 Hi everyone, I really need some advice if you're willing to impart some wisdom. My girlfriend and I have been together for 1.5 years now. We were best friends for 10 years prior to dating and I love her so much. Being together is the best thing to ever happen to me; we all know how terrifying it is to fall in love with your best friend, could be a complete nightmare or the most amazing thing. The latter is something that doesn't come around often and I don't want to ruin or jeopardize anything. Around 4 months into our relationship, she started to gradually gain more weight and is now 30-35lbs heavier. I was the opposite and lost 15lbs from then to now. She acknowledges the weight gain and often expresses how she wants to lose weight but it's really hard. She's a really BIG foodie and diets are particularly hard for her to stay with (as for anyone). But I think the biggest factor for her weight gain comes from stresses, mostly personal. She just started working which has added onto her stresses and completely wipes her out by the time she's off; all she wants to do is just lay down, which is understandable. But with the weight gain, she has also stopped putting so much effort into her appearance like she used to in the beginning (even for work). She used to love dressing up nice because it gave her confidence, and she still loves to dress up, but now with work, she just say she doesn't have as much time for that now. And on her days off with me, she just wants to relax in sweats. I dress up nice in hopes of maybe encouraging her to do the same; I do it because it gives me confidence and also I know it will make her more attracted to me, but this plan hasn't worked very well. So basically long story short, I've been finding myself less and less physically/sexually attracted to my girlfriend. I suggest something fun like doing a couple's dance class but she's always tired after work. She doesn't want to join a gym because they're too expensive for her right now (paying loans/rent). I don't know what to do, it's killing me. Like during sex I have to fantasy about other stuff and when we're out in public, it feels so weird/off (with me dressed up nice and her in sweats/tshirt). I feel like such an ******* because I don't have many close friends and don't take about emotions with family so basically she's supported and understood me more than anyone. I really don't want to break up with her but I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't thought about it a lot. Shame at you for not helping her all your do is complain about her weight gain. You can help her loose and get off your butt too. Cook for her, take her out walking and jogging. Buy her a bike and ride it around the park. Tell her she needs to stop drinking sugar water soda. Get her Rooibos Tea brew it and give it to here at room temp that will help with the weight. Get some seaweed add water wait 5 mins then she can add to her salad or good with it in rice. That helps the Thyroids.. She has turn to food as her best friend. You need to get her out of the habit now! 2
stillafool Posted June 25, 2017 Posted June 25, 2017 But he is not her keeper. Why can't she take some responsibility for her own life? People don't like it when you try to force them to eat a certain way or workout when they don't want to. I don't think it is fair to blame him for her weight management. With my ex I use to cook healthy meals but when he wasn't with me he was at Burger King and Wendy's. 9
Author Cam21 Posted June 25, 2017 Author Posted June 25, 2017 Shame at you for not helping her all your do is complain about her weight gain. You can help her loose and get off your butt too. Cook for her, take her out walking and jogging. Buy her a bike and ride it around the park. Tell her she needs to stop drinking sugar water soda. Get her Rooibos Tea brew it and give it to here at room temp that will help with the weight. Get some seaweed add water wait 5 mins then she can add to her salad or good with it in rice. That helps the Thyroids.. She has turn to food as her best friend. You need to get her out of the habit now! Or maybe you should stop shaming people until you know the full complete story. I do cook healthy meals when she's over at my place, I do take her out on short hikes, but can I control what she does when she isn't with me? My life isn't revolved around being her caretaker. 14
major_merrick Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 30 lbs is a lot of weight to gain in a year, but it doesn't have to stay. What changes have you noticed in her eating habits? Does she eat different food, or simply eat more of everything? For me, I had been carrying around about 20 lbs more than I wanted to. It didn't bother my GF's, but it bothered me. Finally, with help from folks on this forum, I figured out that SUGAR was the problem. Sugar is mostly gone from my life now, and I've lost about 25 lbs and kept it off. Other than eliminating sugar and eating more protein and less carbohydrate, I haven't changed my life at all. I can't diet, I hate exercise for its own sake, but with getting rid of sugar I didn't have to do either of those things. Perhaps you could slowly lessen/eliminate the sugar from your lives? But as others have said, she has to want to do it. As for how she dresses, I'd start by reducing the number of pairs of sweatpants in her wardrobe. Simply make one or two pairs each month disappear when she isn't around. Then maybe "sneak" something nicer in her size in their place. I did that to my GF#1 when we started living together, and she never noticed. Friends don't let friends wear sweatpants. It also sounds like her job is a big part of the problem. I can't give advice on changing that, but it sounds like her current job needs to go because it is making her miserable. And miserable people often compensate with food, drinking, sugar, and other bad choices.
kendahke Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Look up Dr. Eric Berg on youtube. Depending upon where her weight gain is located, it could indicate a problem with one of her endocrine glands. He specializes in getting healthy first before losing weight. You're not going to lose weight if you're not healthy. I can tell you this much: too much stress will cause one to pack on weight. If the adrenals are always switched on and pumping rivers of cortisol, it eventually becomes very hard to switch them off. Also, all sugar has to be removed from the diet. There is no getting around this. One can be a foodie and be cognizant of what they put in their mouth. 1
kendahke Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 To add to my post above: all grain products have to go, too--cookies, bread, crackers, rice, pasta, biscuits, waffles, pancakes---anything with wheat in it has to go. Look up the video "wheat belly" and see why you're basically eating bags of sugar when you eat wheat products. It's not what it was before the 1960's. It's some gene spliced monstrosity that's been messing up a lot of people for years. 2
Maggie4 Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 The answer lies in how she has been the past 10 years that you have known her. If she has been thin all her life, the sudden weight gain is actually hard for her body to take, would cause some women to stop menstruation. The good news is that if she has always been thin rather effortlessly, then these pounds can fall off easily because they're new, not "set". If she has always struggled with her weight during your 10 year friendship, that's who she is, but then you knew that. 1
Andy_K Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Hi everyone, I really need some advice if you're willing to impart some wisdom. She's a really BIG foodie and diets are particularly hard for her to stay with (as for anyone). Everyone likes food.... 'foodie' seems to me to be just a way of saying 'I have no willpower or discipline when it comes to food, but it's totally not my fault or responsibility' But I think the biggest factor for her weight gain comes from stresses, mostly personal. She just started working which has added onto her stresses and completely wipes her out by the time she's off; all she wants to do is just lay down, which is understandable. Therein lies the key. Exercise de-stresses you. A good gym session when you're feeling tired from work or a long day will energise you, not make you feel worse. Until someone understands this and experiences it for themselves, it's REALLY hard to get them interested in regular exercise. Most never will be. 3
coolheadal Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Or maybe you should stop shaming people until you know the full complete story. I do cook healthy meals when she's over at my place, I do take her out on short hikes, but can I control what she does when she isn't with me? My life isn't revolved around being her caretaker. Your not doing enough for her, then why come on here to complain about it. You love her you help that's it case close. I am going by what you say in your first post. She gaining weight you don't want to have sex with her. But not about the sex it's the weight you don't like. Then you do more for her. If your doing all of this then why did you come on here to complain about her. Talk to her and help more. If your not serious about her then you need to tell her how you feel. I know how it's like to be overweight and be called names about it from the person your with in a relationship. So please do not go there okay. You don't know my story at all. I at my correct weight today.. But I did it without anyone help! I want to live and I don't want to die! Food is not the answer you can do more than your doing.. Take that anyway you want! It's truth.. Your skinny she's not she was there for you now be there for her! Do you understand that.. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 My recommendation for all the men that are obsessed with weight: don't date someone that is even in the upper range of normal weight. When you meet, if the thought of "imagine how hot she will be if she lost 10lbs" even so much as crosses your mind, do everyone a favour and don't date her. People tend to gain weight when they settle in a relationship. People tend to gain weight as they get older. Genetics don't help either. Someone that has "skinny genetics" will be thin when you meet them. Someone that is in the upper range of normal likely doesn't have "skinny genetics" and it's only going to get worse. While most men prefer slim, I have met 2 distinct types: those that need a woman to be skinny to even be sexually attracted at all and those that are happy within a ballpark of "shapely". Both types will often date someone that is within normal weight but the first type has such a tiny margin that it's going to be living hell for women who struggle with weight even a little bit. It's a very miserable life when you have to starve for a partner to be even attracted to you. 6
smackie9 Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 You are blaming it on the weight, but it's not that.....the honeymoon period is over and you are just not that into her, because if you were, the weight wouldn't be an issue. It is what it is.....time to move on. 4
thefooloftheyear Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 You are blaming it on the weight, but it's not that.....the honeymoon period is over and you are just not that into her, because if you were, the weight wouldn't be an issue. It is what it is.....time to move on. Sorry, but you are flat out wrong here.... TFY 4
kendahke Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Exercise de-stresses you. A good gym session when you're feeling tired from work or a long day will energise you, not make you feel worse. Depending upon which of her endocrine glands are not functioning properly, exercise is the worst thing you can do until that gland is healthy again. If she's got issues with her adrenals, the added stress of exercise will tax them further. So, no, exercise isn't always the best course of action. 1
smackie9 Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Sorry, but you are flat out wrong here.... TFY If it was like an insane amount I can totally agree BUT how much are we talking? I guess everyone has their limit and will find it gross. IMO if there is something that makes them less attractive, and it can be anything, even excessive drinking, then dump them and move on anyways. The relationship is pretty much over. I doubt her losing the weight is going to put the spark back into this relationship. 4
salparadise Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Shame at you for not helping her all your do is complain about her weight gain. You can help her loose and get off your butt too. This is just as wrong as could possibly be. It's also irritating as hell that you presume to know it all. OP came on here to try and sort out his feelings, and you start shaming him and telling him it's his responsibility. He can't do a damn thing if she's not intrinsically motivated herself. If she were then he could support her, but it has to be because she wants it for herself. This is the fundamental problem. 6
littleblackheart Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 I was in pretty good shape before I got married, then I gained a ton of weight through depression caused by being married to an uncaring, thoughtless cheat; in short, I was unhappy. I lost the weight when I left him, without much effort. OP, don't presume her weight gain is down to her slovenly ways, her genetics or the fact she is a 'foodie'; it's probably more complicated than that. It may also be a sign that she is not happy herself in the relationship (I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, but it may be something to think about). If you decide to stick it out, this may be a tough roller-coaster to ride, full of unpleasant conversations. I'm not trying to discourage you, but I think you should be prepared for things not going your way. If you've already decided that her weight is a deal breaker, it might be best to act on it now before you get too entangled as she may well not be the right girl for you (and conversely, you may not be the right guy for her).
Lorenza Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 Self-love is the very base of any healthy relationship. When someone loses interest in having a relatively healthy lifestyle, has no desire to put an effort to look presentable, doesn't feel motivated to move around or do anything besides laying on the sofa - they stop loving themselves. That can happen for many different reasons - depression and stress are just some of the factors that can lead someone to a state where they have no power of will to cultivate self-love anymore. And it is extremely difficult for someone else to feel attracted to a person like that. I'm surprised by some of the defensive comments on here, since the guy expressed himself very respectfully and is genuinely concerned about preserving the relationship. He also explained himself very well and it's not just the case of "everyone puts on a few pounds after they settle" like Smackie or some commentator put it. The girl seems seriously down, doesn't even get out of her sweatpants going out (I know by myself that I only wears those outside of my house when I'm sad and down) and has gained a lot of weight in a short period of time! Something's not right! That being said, OP cannot be her caretaker, personal trainer, nutritionist and psychologist at the same time as being her romantic partner. Taking care of another humans basic needs is a permanent attraction killer. These things need to be done by herself. OP should suggest her to change her job. Stress is a killer. Stress will not only get her hormones and weight out of whack it will give her serious health conditions. There's no excuse in staying in a job like that. After she changes that main factor, other specialists could help her with the rest. But she needs to want it herself. 3
No_Go Posted June 26, 2017 Posted June 26, 2017 How tall is she and what was the initial weight? Without this information the absolute weight gain is absolute meaningless (e.g. if 6 foot tall woman gains 30 lbs on her 150 lbs frame you'd barely notice it, if the same 30 lbs are gained by 5 foot tall woman weighting 100 lbs the difference will be drastic). I'd guess the honeymoon period is over and now you're looking for reasons to explain your loss of attraction. Btw weight gain (unless it is drastic / medical condition-triggered) IMO should be the least of the appearance concerns when dating someone because it is not a permanent change, it is super easily reversible and most people fluctuate a bit in their weight over time anyway (e.g I'm +/- 5 lbs depending on the food that I had the day before and the day of my menstrual cycle). If you're talking facial features or height, yes, it is concerning because these can't be changed but weight... c'mon, she could lose the 30 pounds in 6 months tops if she limits her meals a little.
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