Stay together or Go

[trustxone]

There's this quote I like that basically you let go of the past and move forward. However it's become apparent that unless I leave I can't see myself free of this weight.

 

I believe in marriage and we have children. The problem is my husband. Though I have my own issues and are no saint. I don't know if I can deal with two issues that may be deal breakers.

 

1) he still breaks promises, boundaries or agreements. He took my son to his grandmother's house. The family is fighting and I found her cold and rude but so do most. She had been very ugly to his mom. I asked him to not take the kids to visit. With all this drama going on. He angrily agreed and then turned around and took our oldest son.

 

The only thing that bothered me was he did it behind my back and I just happen to find out by accident. As I have ever secret big or small secret. I feel like we never did much to rebuild the trust and what we did was only due to him not wanting to hear me nag.

 

To my knowledge this is the first time his lied to me in years. However it bothers me since he has had a history of it in the past of lying and cheating. I didn't find out about his past until years after we were married. I don't believe he has cheated since we have been married.

 

2) I feel we have too different of options and integrity when it comes to sexual flirting and empathy. I feel like I should be able to express concerns or make decisions for my children without fear I am being controlling. Like how long I want them to be in a car seat rear facing based on facts.

 

The biggest issue is I feel like I am never going to be able to get over how hurt he made me feel. Willingly and knowingly doing things I told him would likely not only hurt me but dissolve our marriage. So he agrees to thing he either has no intention of keeping or changing his mind because he doesn't agree.

 

Ex: In my opinion his ex was very rude and is not a fan of our marriage. She openly sexually flirted with him in front of me, tried to exclude me. They Do NOT have any Children together.

 

He would only ignore her after I kept complaining. Also after he secretly agreed to her to start up a new friendship. As they had not kept in contact and have never been just friends before. Even after she continue to occasional text him and them she kept Facebook emailing my account.

 

She was very hateful and the emails contained cure words, foul language and apparently she thinks I am the reason they are not going to be friends that hang out. She and her family / friends had gone out of their way to be hateful to me to my face. After our brief and one time encounter.

 

She remarried 9 years ago and they broke up 4 years before my DH and I ever went on our first date. So I am not the reason they broke up. They dated a lot a people and had NOT been a couple many years before I came into the picture.

 

He made me feel like I was the bad guy and she was the angel. I am still not fully sure he believes me even with the proof of emails and text messages. Where she was caught lying and in my eyes revealed the real reason she was getting back in touch.

 

My husband kept secrets about most all their private conversations they had by text and once in person. I was present just not invited to the conversation they had across the very large room.

 

The whole long ordeal has still left me feeling insecure in away I have never felt nor aloud. She made it clean that she was in control of my husband and it was her way. That it didn't matter how I felt or if I was uncomfortable. That was my problem since she didn't see that she was doing anything wrong. Everything she did was innocent and she had the right too.

 

While I am still angry with her I am more so to my DH that I will always feel last too. I was grieving a lost too our first child. Yet I am to always be chill and in control of my emotions. Be the bigger person yet I am human too.

 

How do you go on from their.

Edited June 25, 2017 by cmydust

[preraph]

No matter if you divorce or not, he's still going to take the kids to the mean grandmoms when he has custody -- in fact, he's probably going to use her to babysit them while he's at work -- and he's going to misuse the car seat. So there's no stopping him doing this stuff. But if you're tired of the disrespect, get out .

[trustxone]

No she's too old to babysit. When I say grandmother I mean DH grandmother aka great grandmother to my children. We don't have a relationship with her because she has chosen it that way. And did a lot of hateful things to his mother recently. She claimed to cut us all out of her life due to us having a relationship with DH mom. The problem I had with the visit is if you're supposed to work on a marriage by being truthful due to a lot of deceit you probably shouldn't be hiding things like taking our child to see his great grandmother his never met. THat's going to lead to more mistrust.

Edited June 25, 2017 by cmydust
left out facts

[preraph]

He's probably angling to get any inheritance. It's one thing taking the first one, but then him going after you told him how you felt was really spitting in your face.

[misspalmy]

your pro be better off without him what is holding you back?

[Dark-Farmer]

I maybe off basis so is so take my advice with a grain of salt, if that is the case.

 

But I have been in a position were a partner tries to control your actions and I am getting that vibe from your post.

 

First you say "your son" (assuming he's the father) it is not "your son" he is both of your child .... equally!

 

Sounds like he lied because he knew what your response was going to be. I doubt this was the first time this issue was brought up or discussed. If he said "hey honey I'm taking our son to my grandma's house" would you have said "I don't like her but have fun" .... sounds like you probably would have tried to stop him.

 

As for the EX i think she should be out of the picture, basically regardless of any issues. Sounds like she is disrespectful on top of that.

 

BUT be careful of how much you try to control your partner. Some people like to control their life and plan and what not. But he could be simply rebelling because your smothering him.

 

Do you suspect infidelity? because that would change my advice significantly.

[Space Ritual]

There's this quote I like that basically you let go of the past and move forward. However it's become apparent that unless I leave I can't see myself free of this weight.

 

I believe in marriage and we have children. The problem is my husband. Though I have my own issues and are no saint. I don't know if I can deal with two issues that may be deal breakers.

 

1) he still breaks promises, boundaries or agreements. He took my son to his grandmother's house. The family is fighting and I found her cold and rude but so do most. She had been very ugly to his mom. I asked him to not take the kids to visit. With all this drama going on. He angrily agreed and then turned around and took our oldest son.

 

The only thing that bothered me was he did it behind my back and I just happen to find out by accident. As I have ever secret big or small secret. I feel like we never did much to rebuild the trust and what we did was only due to him not wanting to hear me nag.

 

To my knowledge this is the first time his lied to me in years. However it bothers me since he has had a history of it in the past of lying and cheating. I didn't find out about his past until years after we were married. I don't believe he has cheated since we have been married.

 

2) I feel we have too different of options and integrity when it comes to sexual flirting and empathy. I feel like I should be able to express concerns or make decisions for my children without fear I am being controlling. Like how long I want them to be in a car seat rear facing based on facts.

 

The biggest issue is I feel like I am never going to be able to get over how hurt he made me feel. Willingly and knowingly doing things I told him would likely not only hurt me but dissolve our marriage. So he agrees to thing he either has no intention of keeping or changing his mind because he doesn't agree.

 

Ex: In my opinion his ex was very rude and is not a fan of our marriage. She openly sexually flirted with him in front of me, tried to exclude me. They Do NOT have any Children together.

 

He would only ignore her after I kept complaining. Also after he secretly agreed to her to start up a new friendship. As they had not kept in contact and have never been just friends before. Even after she continue to occasional text him and them she kept Facebook emailing my account.

 

She was very hateful and the emails contained cure words, foul language and apparently she thinks I am the reason they are not going to be friends that hang out. She and her family / friends had gone out of their way to be hateful to me to my face. After our brief and one time encounter.

 

She remarried 9 years ago and they broke up 4 years before my DH and I ever went on our first date. So I am not the reason they broke up. They dated a lot a people and had NOT been a couple many years before I came into the picture.

 

He made me feel like I was the bad guy and she was the angel. I am still not fully sure he believes me even with the proof of emails and text messages. Where she was caught lying and in my eyes revealed the real reason she was getting back in touch.

 

My husband kept secrets about most all their private conversations they had by text and once in person. I was present just not invited to the conversation they had across the very large room.

 

The whole long ordeal has still left me feeling insecure in away I have never felt nor aloud. She made it clean that she was in control of my husband and it was her way. That it didn't matter how I felt or if I was uncomfortable. That was my problem since she didn't see that she was doing anything wrong. Everything she did was innocent and she had the right too.

 

While I am still angry with her I am more so to my DH that I will always feel last too. I was grieving a lost too our first child. Yet I am to always be chill and in control of my emotions. Be the bigger person yet I am human too.

 

How do you go on from their.

 

You did not take vows to his ex, you took vows to your husband.

 

You are misplacing your headspace. Your husband is totally responsible for how he conducts himself. How his ex acts is neither here nor there.

 

You however are allowed to have dealbreakers, and in your shoes I'd give your husband notice that things HAVE to change or you walk.

 

YOU are his WIFE, not his ex. If he continues to disrespect your wishes then don't keep expecting him to change. Go Shock and Awe and act.

 

Nothing seems to wake up a recalcitrant spouse like getting served with divorce papers.

 

In all the years I've been here, the main obstacle I have observed that new members have a hard time with is actually ACTING. People tend to want to be conflict avoidant and risk averse in matters of the heart and just hope that things will change. Hope and change cannot exist in the same room without action between them.

 

Just like in friendships,you have to be willing to walk away from a marriage in order to save it.

[Miss Peach]

The keeping secrets part is what would personally bother me although I see many of my male coworkers do so and not everyone values as much open communication as I do. If I had a dh who wasn't transparent with me over exes, I would get upset regardless of whether I thought there was anything to it. I expect to be able to rely on a partner to tell me what I need to know and that's something I would need to know even if he just ignored her.

 

He can control only his behavior. You can only control yours (and your standards).

 

As far as control, if you ever get into a divorce situation these are the things (i.e., car seat) you wouldn't be able to control.