Sad and angry

[Allregrets]

I can imagine what your wife is going through every time you travel for work. She feels that you are not able to prove to her that you aren't still cheating on her while you are away. She goes through anxiety of the unknown whereabouts... she is thinking to herself that at any given moment, you could be having intimate times with another woman while she is at home fearing the worst. You are literally breaking her heart every time you are traveling. If you really want to save your marriage, you need to no longer travel for your job or she needs to be going with on all of your business trips. That is the only way to help her heal.

Well unfortunately both those options are impossible. Therefore the next best option is to reply to her texts and phone calls immediately. There is no pause in my texts (unless I'm in the air) and I answer the phone when she calls. I also have "Find my Phone" in our cloud so she knows exactly where I am, and believe me she lets me know that. I recently worked with another man who was also in a similar situation (his A was ten years ago) and he still answers the phone immediately when she calls and also knows exactly where he is at all times. Our BS need that comfort and I have given up those freedoms so she can feel comfortable.

Edited June 26, 2017 by Allregrets

[mikeylo]

Just know that as long as you are traveling , even if you are not cheating anymore , your wife will not feel safe.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Just know that as long as you are traveling , even if you are not cheating anymore , your wife will not feel safe.

 

My husband travels 50 % of the time. We keep going in touch throughout the day and say goodnight the last thing at night.

 

He can make his wife feel just as safe while he is traveling as he could if he worked 5 minutes away.

 

If you are going to cheat... time and distance won't stop it.

 

If he does all the things required by his wife that make her feel more safe... then that's the best he can do.

 

After 33 years of reconciliation I still give my husband my schedule every day.

 

I could be lying... I could be cheating

 

But I am not and I know he believes me.

 

Allregrets has to help her feel safe..... and it sounds to me like he does the best he can.

 

It takes time to rebuild trust.. step by step day by day.

 

Only he and his wife know if he is doing enough.

 

Sometimes like macbride said... it is not possible to just up and quit a job.....

 

And unless his wife specifically asked him to do that.. it may not be something she needs.

 

Now if she has asked him to quit his job... then we have an issue.

 

But I have not seen in any of his posts that she has asked that of him.

[Maraud3r]

As others already said, her trust is gone. It will be a long time before any of it comes back at all. And she might actually get worse, quite a bit before she will get better. You're still in the early days of her coping with what happened.

 

All you really can do is to try and tough it out on your part and attempt to give her as much security and understanding as you can.

[Allregrets]

As others already said, her trust is gone. It will be a long time before any of it comes back at all. And she might actually get worse, quite a bit before she will get better. You're still in the early days of her coping with what happened.

 

All you really can do is to try and tough it out on your part and attempt to give her as much security and understanding as you can.

Maybe I need to ask her if she trusts me and go from there. Ask her what I need to do to make her feel safe.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Maybe I need to ask her if she trusts me and go from there. Ask her what I need to do to make her feel safe.

 

Perfect

 

When in doubt ... ask. We can all speculate about how she feels... but if you ask her you will know for certain.

[mikeylo]

All I mean to say is that him being gone is the biggest hurdle. While he can do everything in his power when with her but once he is gone , she doesn't know what he is doing. Text don't mean much in big scheme of things.

 

We can beat the dead horse but it's a fact. She doesn't know and will never know. I'm not saying he should leave the job or take her along. All I'm saying is , she will not feel safe and secure. Since she won't feel either, she will try though , but won't be able to.

 

OP , if she is beautiful nice and caring woman , she too can meet other men, right ? Be careful. Not saying that she will cheat but she might think that it's easier to start on a clean slate with someone closer. Think about it.

[elaine567]

Unfortunately I cannot change jobs. Not that easy and I will never replace the loss of income or QOL I and my family have in my capacity. Never.

 

While I stay in hotels (with bars) I do not frequent them (bars) as I am not the person who hangs out at the hotel to frequent said bars.

 

YOU KNOW you are no longer doing any of the stuff that you did with your OW, but your wife doesn't know what you are actually doing, not really and that is why she is in hell here.

She trusted you before and she had no idea what you were really getting up to, and now she has to keep trusting you now.

She has only your word for it that you have changed.

 

i realise your QOL will not be the same, but you may easily lose your marriage and your kids over this.

 

I was able to travel to Boston for work, so I would go visit her there as much as I could. More hotel sex, more crazy kissing, snuggling, ogling over each other. Lots of coffees, walks in Boston Common, the North End, holding hands, etc. I also paid for mostly everything. We had chemistry and I enjoyed this beautiful and young woman by my side. She also spoke my love language; she was attached to me like glue, always had her hand in my back pocket, kisses at red light intersections, just super attraction. I gave her what she needed as well. I made her feel amazing. She was super attracted to me. She always complimented me on my body and she would just gaze at my arms while we made love. I noticed that. She got a high off of that, like she couldn't believe I was making love to her. All superficial. She was having sex with her "hot guy". In retrospect, my wife was mentally not built like her. Our relationship was never built on superficiality; it was built on friendship and that's why it has lasted so long - and was successful.

 

Then my AP and I began exchanging our work schedules and matching days off to when we could see each other. We traveled, all behind our spouses' backs. She and I would meet on business pretty much anywhere we could find the time - in a dozen cities around the country. We would live life to its fullest while in those cities; eating local, long walks and amazing sex. Then I soon began to really fall head-over-heels crazy in love with her. Within a few months I told her I loved her. I commonly told her that I adored her. I did. I began to buy her gifts; an expensive watch in Manhattan, clothes from her favorite retailer, lingerie, etc. We had amazing lunches and dinners. The sex was incredible. We were living a dream. A fantasy. She was my young twenty-something girl, and my sweet wife at home had absolutely no idea. Awful.

[knabe]

This takes time - TIME.

 

A WS who feels entitled or wants them to "get over it already" or who is in arrogant defensive mode won't ever get it.

 

Luckily, you have more character than that and actually want to help your wife. That makes you miles ahead of many other WH.

 

It is said that at the 6 month mark, more emotion or anger can suddenyl start coming out, like the shock for the BS has worn off. I like your ideas of staying in cklose touch, talking to her about her feelings rather than talking her out of them, etc.

 

You have more of a chance to really get throgh this because you aren't making it all about you. Your heart relly is broken over hurting your wife instead of just vfixating on how hard it is for YOU. (In other words, you'rte actually a man).

 

Be patient, open, transparent, and loving. In a year you'll be much farther along than now.

[Allregrets]

All I mean to say is that him being gone is the biggest hurdle. While he can do everything in his power when with her but once he is gone , she doesn't know what he is doing. Text don't mean much in big scheme of things.

 

We can beat the dead horse but it's a fact. She doesn't know and will never know. I'm not saying he should leave the job or take her along. All I'm saying is , she will not feel safe and secure. Since she won't feel either, she will try though , but won't be able to.

 

OP , if she is beautiful nice and caring woman , she too can meet other men, right ? Be careful. Not saying that she will cheat but she might think that it's easier to start on a clean slate with someone closer. Think about it.

Yes, she can meet other men, but for her to wander (even the potential reality of a revernge A) is simply not in her DNA. She would never do that, and maybe "never say never" but she has told me repeatedly that she loves our family and does not want to see us break up. This is why I feel so shameful and can't believe I ruined a perfectly good marriage to a wonderful woman. The problem was me all along..

[Allregrets]

YOU KNOW you are no longer doing any of the stuff that you did with your OW, but your wife doesn't know what you are actually doing, not really and that is why she is in hell here.

She trusted you before and she had no idea what you were really getting up to, and now she has to keep trusting you now.

She has only your word for it that you have changed.

 

i realise your QOL will not be the same, but you may easily lose your marriage and your kids over this.

I may, and I pray that I don't. However I take responsibility for my actions and if this ultimately turns out to the best for her (divorce) then I will work to make her feel happy in her decision and ensure my children are loved and well taken care of in the process. Let's hope it doesn't come to that. Many other men with less regrets say I "have to play hardball and fight for everything" but in the end I want what is best for all of us. My children need me and so does my wife.

 

I regret every day what I have done.

[knabe]

Allregrets, about the only thing cooklie cutters are good for is cookies. It is up to you and your wife to create boundaries, rules, and a life that makes you both feel safe.

[wmacbride]

She could file, yes, but she wont, as she doesn't want to, nor do I. She wants us to be a family and continue marching forward. However, she's in pain and I was in IC earlier this year but we never did any MC. She is begging for us to go. I need to move forward with that and help her recover. She tells me she loves me and we are still very close but I have done the harm.

 

It's good and bad days, more good lately but occasionally there are triggers and she cries in pain. I am there for her and will guide her through this time as much as I can. We have been vacationing quite a bit, with more to come this week so I will really focus on our family and make her feel loved. I love my children and my wife. I don't want them to live in a broken home.

 

I can completely understand your angst in this regard, and I did want to give you credit for putting in the work you have.

 

I'm going to make a suggetsion about your kids, and I 100 percent apologize ahead of time if this sounds like an awful idea. I will give you some background so you can understand why I am making it.

 

My husband and I never thought our kids woudl find out about his A. They were small at the time, and we hoped we could sort it out between the two of us. That didn't work, and they ended up finding out ( not form either one of us).

 

They asked me about it, in the way kids will ask about things they don't really understand, and it's to my great shame that I lied. I wish I hadn't.In the end, it all came out, and my husband handled it well. He told our children that he had made some bad choices, and they had made mom ( me) really sad. He went on to say how sorry he was, and that he was learning better ways to act so it wouldn't happen again. We were sitting together when he explained this, and went on to tell them that everyone makes mistakes and bad choices sometimes, and the most important thing is to learn from them and take responsibility.

 

I'm just putting this out there as food for thought. I can't say whether talking to your kids is a good or bad idea, but it's possible they have picked up on the tension, and, as I said above, are trying to understand it the way kids do. If you think that's the case, it might help them to talk to them about it. You don't have to get in to all the details, other than that you made a bad decision that hurt their mom, but you love her, you love them and are doing your best to make up for it and to help her feel better.

 

You will get through this. Just take it one day at a time.

[Allregrets]

I can completely understand your angst in this regard, and I did want to give you credit for putting in the work you have.

 

I'm going to make a suggetsion about your kids, and I 100 percent apologize ahead of time if this sounds like an awful idea. I will give you some background so you can understand why I am making it.

 

My husband and I never thought our kids woudl find out about his A. They were small at the time, and we hoped we could sort it out between the two of us. That didn't work, and they ended up finding out ( not form either one of us).

 

They asked me about it, in the way kids will ask about things they don't really understand, and it's to my great shame that I lied. I wish I hadn't.In the end, it all came out, and my husband handled it well. He told our children that he had made some bad choices, and they had made mom ( me) really sad. He went on to say how sorry he was, and that he was learning better ways to act so it wouldn't happen again. We were sitting together when he explained this, and went on to tell them that everyone makes mistakes and bad choices sometimes, and the most important thing is to learn from them and take responsibility.

 

I'm just putting this out there as food for thought. I can't say whether talking to your kids is a good or bad idea, but it's possible they have picked up on the tension, and, as I said above, are trying to understand it the way kids do. If you think that's the case, it might help them to talk to them about it. You don't have to get in to all the details, other than that you made a bad decision that hurt their mom, but you love her, you love them and are doing your best to make up for it and to help her feel better.

 

You will get through this. Just take it one day at a time.

Thank you, and that is a good idea. We have discussed this actually, and 1) our children are young, and 2) she has decided currently not to tell them. They have seen her upset so I do like your approach and I will discuss this with her. She even brought up that our children don't even know I was married before mommy. It's common anyway in today's environment, but perhaps at a later time.

 

If you read (or maybe you have read) my long story, you will learn that as of recent during my affair turmoil, I learned of my father's affair with a co-worker many years ago in the 70's. My mother told me after I asked. Very similar to my story actually. My mother forgave him and they have been married for over fifty years. This was somewhat of an impetus (amongst other things) for me to distance myself from my father. I know it's sad but as a grown adult I can "listen" to his advice but I seldom "follow" any of it. He has been a wonderful father and mentor to me (more professionaly) but beyond that, that's about it. I have my own life and not listening to his recommendations have been one of the best decisions I have made in my adult life. This is another story and one that I told my IC (as I sobbed), but internally my relationship with my father was a hige component to my self esteem issues. I was pleasing him and not living MY life. I have rectified that issue.

 

Anyway, my mother reached out to my wife and told her that she too was the victim of infidelity in her marriage. That's a hard nut to swallow and then find out your son(s) were a product of their father. Yes, my brother too was involved in an EA - his marriage is also in R mode, married for 21 years. Will my son or daughter cheat? Is it in their DNA? I have spoken to my brother and he and I are extremeley driven people, thus our spouses put up with an incredible amount of passion and drive both professionally and personally. Thats how we are. When our spouses attempt to ground us, we can easily become frustrated, as was my case. I have since learned..

Edited June 27, 2017 by Allregrets

[mikeylo]

I didn't mean that she will cheat. I meant that if she is not being able to feel safe , to invest emotionally, then she might believe that divorce is better and start again with someone new , on a clean slate. There is shortage of decent women, just like men and she will be a catch. Not trying to undermine your effort but something to consider as your being away is one of the causes.

 

You know you are not cheating anymore but she doesn't know what's happening there. It has planted the seed of doubt that she doesn't know what you are doing the moment she turns her back .

 

Who will you provide the QOL if you don't have your wife along? Kids? They will be hopping homes.

 

You've got to change your working conditions otherwise whatever you do while being with her , is going to be of no use when away.

[Maraud3r]

I didn't mean that she will cheat. I meant that if she is not being able to feel safe , to invest emotionally, then she might believe that divorce is better and start again with someone new , on a clean slate. There is shortage of decent women, just like men and she will be a catch. Not trying to undermine your effort but something to consider as your being away is one of the causes.

There is children in the equation. Which means if she divorces she will become a single mother with an ex in the background. Allregrets did a horrendous thing and poisoned their well, the problem here is that as often the cheated on partner will end up paying the tab.

 

Many guys stay away from single mother and the mess coming with them for a good reason. In her case it would not actually be her fault and some of the problems would only be assumed to exist but new partners can't know this. And given she already comes with children, ex husband etc it's unlikely someone could start a new family including children of their own with her.

 

So a divorce might actually end up hurting her even more and isolating her further. I doubt regrets would want that.

 

You know you are not cheating anymore but she doesn't know what's happening there. It has planted the seed of doubt that she doesn't know what you are doing the moment she turns her back

Regaining lost trust is extremely hard. It's something he has to understand and accept. She seems to have trusted him, a lot. So his betrayal was all that much worse. He can't do much aside from being as open as possible and doing whatever he can to try and give her assurance and hope things will get better over time.

 

You've got to change your working conditions otherwise whatever you do while being with her , is going to be of no use when away.

He should definitely start looking for another job. Rather than jumping head first into it he should offer her the choice. As from what he said she would be negatively affected by the loss of income as would their children. She might not want that over the small ammount of assurance it would give her.

[Allregrets]

There is children in the equation. Which means if she divorces she will become a single mother with an ex in the background. Allregrets did a horrendous thing and poisoned their well, the problem here is that as often the cheated on partner will end up paying the tab.

 

Many guys stay away from single mother and the mess coming with them for a good reason. In her case it would not actually be her fault and some of the problems would only be assumed to exist but new partners can't know this. And given she already comes with children, ex husband etc it's unlikely someone could start a new family including children of their own with her.

 

So a divorce might actually end up hurting her even more and isolating her further. I doubt regrets would want that.

 

 

Regaining lost trust is extremely hard. It's something he has to understand and accept. She seems to have trusted him, a lot. So his betrayal was all that much worse. He can't do much aside from being as open as possible and doing whatever he can to try and give her assurance and hope things will get better over time.

 

 

He should definitely start looking for another job. Rather than jumping head first into it he should offer her the choice. As from what he said she would be negatively affected by the loss of income as would their children. She might not want that over the small ammount of assurance it would give her.

I am not quitting my job, period. I can't! I am a professional and this is my life, my way of life actually. I'm not some guy who makes $15/hour down at the grocery store. I make well into the six figures and I just simply cannot quit! That would be the most insane thing I would ever even consider. My wife has actually read all these threads, and she says my career is a non issue. So, there you go. She's not at home crying every time I leave for work. She wants more of my time.

[Maraud3r]

Hey, I wasn't the one advocating for it! Just saying that she would be affected by it too.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Allregrets... if your wife has not asked or suggested or insisted you get a different job... it obviously then is not an issue for her.

 

You owe no one here an explanation or a reason for making your decisions.

 

Sometimes folks project their own requirements or conditions on to others... they mean well.

 

The great thing is you can read what people write and ignore it if it doesn't apply.

 

My husband did not quit school...or did not quit his job... and neither did I.

 

You can certainly reconcile without moving or quitting your job.

 

I think people get so bent on removing yourself from access that they forget if you really wanted to have contact with someone... you would find a way... whether they live 5 minutes away or 5 hours

[donbar]

Have you thought of taking your wife on a Couples Counseling weekend? There are some that are supposedly very successful for exactly your situation.

[elaine567]

 

Many guys stay away from single mother and the mess coming with them for a good reason. In her case it would not actually be her fault and some of the problems would only be assumed to exist but new partners can't know this. And given she already comes with children, ex husband etc it's unlikely someone could start a new family including children of their own with her.

 

That is simply not true.

[Maraud3r]

Allregrets... if your wife has not asked or suggested or insisted you get a different job... it obviously then is not an issue for her.

I can only agree here. If it was a huge issue for her then he might want to think about it. However it seems not to be the case. Even if he found another job he would still be away for half the day in many cases leading to a similar situation just repeated in shorter intervals.

 

I think people get so bent on removing yourself from access that they forget if you really wanted to have contact with someone... you would find a way... whether they live 5 minutes away or 5 hours

I could understand the argument if he was working with his affair, since he travels a lot that seems not to be the case. So it would not increase nor remove access. So it's a moot point.

 

That is simply not true.

"Children", several. Given how he talks about the children they appear to be somewhat younger but old enough to comprehend some of the behaviour of their mother i.e not too young. Which would likely put both of them in their thirties if not older.

 

So you are disputing that many men will stay away from single mothers to begin with due to all the attached issues. That a woman in her late 30s or early 40s is unlikely to add even more children to the already existing ones, who would still be a huge factor in her life, etc?

 

Simply going "Nu-uh!" in response to someone's reasoning on a topic, then not even properly elaborating on it is both pretty low and somewhat silly.

[I4givehim]

You say your wife reads all your posts this one is for her. I can remember the pain I felt when learned of his A. I remember crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath, thinking what did I do wrong, what could I have done to make him happy... Wife know your husbands A is not on you. Know there was nothing you did wrong to cause him to go to OW. Know you are beautiful, caring, loving, and the BEST WIFE!!! And know you deserve better than the way you were treated during his A.

It sounds as if your H is trying his hardest to fix what he broke. It will take time and a lot of work. I recommend IC and MC. Wife, do what you have to do to MAKE YOU HAPPY. Whatever it is you choose I wish you the best. Don't have any regrets in life.

[Allregrets]

Have you thought of taking your wife on a Couples Counseling weekend? There are some that are supposedly very successful for exactly your situation.

No, but I will look into this. Thanks Donbar

[Allregrets]

That is simply not true.

She's not starting a new family. She's 46.