Trying to troubleshoot/find the root cause of my failure

[ak2]

Hello folks, I have been lurking on this forum before registering and found it a cool place. I'd like to just throw this thread here and see what kind of responses I'll get, I think at least trying to get an outside perspective is many times better than just wondering whats wrong with me.

 

To cut it short, I am a 29 year old male who aspires to get a family. I run a business and due to not finding any success in dating (I can barely find a date) I focus all my energy in working, saving for a better financial situation in the future, investing my earnings into safe investments with modest returns... I wake up at around 8, work from 10am to 9.30-10pm, go to the gym at 10.30-11, then spend an hour or so on the computer before I go to bed. Last time I took a day off was because I finally got a response on a dating site and set up a date, which led to nothing. So I work over 80 hours per week.

 

What really makes me sad is I have my own ideals where I really think I am a high value guy. I'd even consider posting a picture but I'd rather stay anonymous. From older people I have always been told I am very attractive, though from females my age they don't seem to want to say that to me. I have a great body too and put effort into eating right. What can I say about my personality? Of course someone else should be the one to say this but here I am trying to explain so I'll do it. I am high in openness, I am very conscientious, I am slightly introverted, I am kind of agreeable (but when I need to put things in order I do not hesitate at all if it makes someone sad), and I am not emotional/neurotic.

 

My problem is that I am having a very hard time just finding a date, let alone a girlfriend. My last girlfriend was a very insecure and promiscuous person. It seemed she wanted just a guy who she could show to her friends and make herself feel she made it in life, though she did not even want to get to know me. I met her during my vacation in south east asia even... pathetic, I knew from the start she didnt even want to move here. My dating life has always been this miserable with some of the most mentally weak and insecure people choosing to be with me. It makes me sad because I know they go through a dozen relationships in a year and those are the types I get a chance with... LOL!

 

About the dating part, it might be my introversion, but on the other hand from all my social circles I have never been approached by a female trying to get into a relationship with me. When I have tried approaching they decline in a cold way. When I message girls on dating sites, I get about a 1% response frequency. When they look good enough that I am attracted to them, it seems impossible. I feel like a total failure.

 

On another point I just cant find any reason why there should be no success for me. I grew up in some of the poorest areas of my country. In school we barely got a moment per week to do any actual studying, mostly it was screaming, fights, incompetent teachers (because nobody wanted to work in those low class area schools), no homework, et.c... Despite this I managed to get good enough grades for university. I worked since I was 13, then worked all the way through university too, around 30 hours a week. I found university to be too easy, the only stuff I found required time were some of the math courses like linear algebra 2, multivariable calculus et.c. After college I went to work with something unrelated, but such is life and I took what opportunities I had that lead to the best future for myself. I had nothing given to me and made it anyway, and under no circumstance did I get any priviledge for any of this. If this has no value and girls prefer guys with beards and skinny jeans over this, I don't know if this world is for me, dating wise.

 

I don't know what else to write to troubleshoot this situation but if anyone has spare time to ask something I should tell about myself or give some advice, I would appreciate it!

Edited June 26, 2017 by ak2

[Imajerk17]

Well, it sounds pretty simple to me.

 

It is hard to date if you aren't putting yourself out there to meet people. Most women your age are meeting guys through social circle (which may have come from work), CrossFit, even Happy Hour, ect. You however are at the office then.

 

Ambition is a turn-on but not if it means 80 hour workweeks. Most people can't and don't want to relate to that. (And the girls you'd really want to be dating don't even want your money anyway.) Most of us (male or female) want a partner who can add/bring fun to our lives. Life is meant to be enjoyed too!

Edited June 27, 2017 by Imajerk17

[Chilli]

Yeah l agree.

You gotta get out there and start living a bit.

lf l met a girl in my 20s and she was working 80hr weeks l'd be of like a shot.

 

Start living and having some fun , you've done enough for now.

l know it's very easy to fall into that trap with a business l've always had my own, gotta watch that stuff , remember to live too.

My brothers an importer and you can ring him midnight Sunday and he's still working, wonders why he can't get a women.

[rushed]

My last girlfriend was a very insecure and promiscuous person. It seemed she wanted just a guy who she could show to her friends and make herself feel she made it in life, though she did not even want to get to know me. I met her during my vacation in south east asia even... pathetic, I knew from the start she didnt even want to move here. My dating life has always been this miserable with some of the most mentally weak and insecure people choosing to be with me. It makes me sad because I know they go through a dozen relationships in a year and those are the types I get a chance with... LOL!

 

From this alone, I get the sense that you're pretty condescending. And if what you're saying is actually true, why date these kinds of people to begin with?

 

When you try to initiate conversations on OLD what's your opening line? Sometimes this can make or a break a person.

[ak2]

Thank you for your replies!

 

Well, it sounds pretty simple to me.

 

It is hard to date if you aren't putting yourself out there to meet people. Most women your age are meeting guys through social circle (which may have come from work), CrossFit, even Happy Hour, ect. You however are at the office then.

 

Ambition is a turn-on but not if it means 80 hour workweeks. Most people can't and don't want to relate to that. (And the girls you'd really want to be dating don't even want your money anyway.) Most of us (male or female) want a partner who can add/bring fun to our lives. Life is meant to be enjoyed too!

This is partly true, the thing is I can take a day off or two per week, but then I'd have to find something to do. I dont go out drinking and when I am in the gym I would not lose my focus trying to bother someone during their workout :/. It seems I am pretty limited to random encounters and online dating. I'll sell my company once I have saved a considerable amount of money from my work in it (in a couple years) and move onwards towards other things that will let me have lots of leisure time, though I'd rather try and make this time productive too.

 

Yeah l agree.

You gotta get out there and start living a bit.

lf l met a girl in my 20s and she was working 80hr weeks l'd be of like a shot.

 

Start living and having some fun , you've done enough for now.

l know it's very easy to fall into that trap with a business l've always had my own, gotta watch that stuff , remember to live too.

My brothers an importer and you can ring him midnight Sunday and he's still working, wonders why he can't get a women.

 

If Id have a girlfriend Id work less for sure. I dont have any activities I feel like I want to do to take time off work. Perhaps travelling as I like south east asia and mediterranean Europe. If you have any ideas on what I should start doing that can lead to a date feel free to post it!

 

From this alone, I get the sense that you're pretty condescending. And if what you're saying is actually true, why date these kinds of people to begin with?

 

When you try to initiate conversations on OLD what's your opening line? Sometimes this can make or a break a person.

 

Regarding that girlfriend, I did not initiate it and ended up accepting more of her as time passed. I was just lurking on an asian dating site and she contacted me. We had some common interests and met up. She asked to sleep over. Not like if I dont like getting laid! Ha ha. She then left half her stuff when she left for work the morning after. Came straight back after work and just got more attatched. After only 3 days she got emotional outbursts though I felt sorry for her because she seemed like a good person, and I dont like declining someones company. When I left we chatted a lot and she seemed really into me. We booked a flight for her to my country for a visit. During this time up until she arrived she got two more emotional outbursts. When she was here she managed to get fat too. She then blurted out that she met this other guy in between the time we met in asia and her visit to my country. I was shocked she even told me but I asked what she thought of him. "Oh hes just a normal guy who wants to get a BJ". And she did it . Not to mention during this time she added about 5-10 new male friends on facebook. She got yet another emotional outburst and asked why I wont have sex with her without a condom, if I love her I wont mind having a baby... And she kept bringing up the marriage thing. I may have given the impression of being condescending but I really dont think I am. Why did I date her then? Honestly I had no idea it would be like that.

 

Regarding opening lines, here comes the big disappointment, I dont have any opening lines. I just try and find ones that seem to have some common interest and try to initiate something with that. Often I try to figure out more about them like what their goals are in life and the kind of lifestyle they have, so I ask about that. I dont think I can muster up a witty opening line... my line of thinking would say its pointless, myself I wouldnt choose someone if they could just say something funny. I'd rather get to know them before a month has passed. Though if it would increase my chances, I'd do it, I dont know what to say though! Anywhere I can find guidance on this?

[Mysterio]

I think you should leave the dating thing alone for a time and clear your head. There is no way to out think it. At most be sociable and go out just have a great time. Don't focus on trying to get with every other woman you run into.

[rushed]

If you're really good-looking and your OLD pics reflect this, then really you could say anything and get a reply. However, since replies are rare, I've got a few suggestions. Have a female friend take a look at your OLD pics and profile and see what she has to say about them. Make adjustments as necessary. When sending the first message stay away from the clichéd "Hey, sexy!" Make a comment or ask a question about something in their pictures or profile. (Personally I'm a goofball who loves really bad puns, so if a guy sent me an opening line that had a terrible pun I always had to reply. Of course, preferences vary from individual to individual.)

[d0nnivain]

The skills you use to be successful in business can be adapted to getting & maintaining a relationship. I mean, you have to have a relationship with your customers. This is just more personal.

 

Take 1 night per week and attend a networking event. While there trying to drum up more business see if you meet anybody interesting. I met my husband at a business card exchange.

 

All work & no play makes you a dull guy. Can you carry on a conversation about something other than work?

[ak2]

Thank you for your replies!

 

I think you should leave the dating thing alone for a time and clear your head. There is no way to out think it. At most be sociable and go out just have a great time. Don't focus on trying to get with every other woman you run into.

 

Unfortunately I have been in a perpetual cycle of leaving it aside and coming back

 

If you're really good-looking and your OLD pics reflect this, then really you could say anything and get a reply. However, since replies are rare, I've got a few suggestions. Have a female friend take a look at your OLD pics and profile and see what she has to say about them. Make adjustments as necessary. When sending the first message stay away from the clichéd "Hey, sexy!" Make a comment or ask a question about something in their pictures or profile. (Personally I'm a goofball who loves really bad puns, so if a guy sent me an opening line that had a terrible pun I always had to reply. Of course, preferences vary from individual to individual.)

 

I don't do puns though

 

The skills you use to be successful in business can be adapted to getting & maintaining a relationship. I mean, you have to have a relationship with your customers. This is just more personal.

 

Take 1 night per week and attend a networking event. While there trying to drum up more business see if you meet anybody interesting. I met my husband at a business card exchange.

 

All work & no play makes you a dull guy. Can you carry on a conversation about something other than work?

The business I run requires mantaining good relationships and gaining customers trust, though it's a shop so there isnt any networking involved. Actually there are a lot of relationships I have to maintain, and make it so that I am in the position I need to be, be it with employees, customers, other businesses I need the services of et.c. I don't have any issues talking, making the type of impression I want in someones mind et.c. Your idea sounds great though I have never been in a networking event in my life haha. I wonder if there is anything similar I can find?

Edited June 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Deleted improper content ~ V

[ak2]

All work & no play makes you a dull guy. Can you carry on a conversation about something other than work?

I am not socially incompetent. Not yet damaged either from working all day . I often talk with people about politics, economics/finance, philosophy, powerlifting, nutrition, martial arts. I think many find me dull since I really cant make myself even pretend I am into fashion, soap operas, TV stuff in general, pop music, mainstream movies... So I guess I cut out quite a big percentage of the population that I can have a conversation which we both find meaningful.

[d0nnivain]

Your idea sounds great though I have never been in a networking event in my life haha. I wonder if there is anything similar I can find?

 

Are you a member of the chamber of commerce? Consider joining. Look up entrepreneurial groups on meet up. Simply google networking events. There are tons; everybody wants to make more money.

 

The best part about looking for love in these settings is you simultaneous have the opportunity to expand your business, learn stuff & meet like minded business people.

[tetrahedral]

I am not socially incompetent. Not yet damaged either from working all day . I often talk with people about politics, economics/finance, philosophy, powerlifting, nutrition, martial arts. I think many find me dull since I really cant make myself even pretend I am into fashion, soap operas, TV stuff in general, pop music, mainstream movies... So I guess I cut out quite a big percentage of the population that I can have a conversation which we both find meaningful.

 

Why do conversations have to be meaningful? Serious question.

[ak2]

Are you a member of the chamber of commerce? Consider joining. Look up entrepreneurial groups on meet up. Simply google networking events. There are tons; everybody wants to make more money.

 

The best part about looking for love in these settings is you simultaneous have the opportunity to expand your business, learn stuff & meet like minded business people.

I run a restaurant. The only reason I can imagine I'd go to a networking event is to find people for marketing, which is a possibility though I dont need it now. I will have to find that type of stuff in my country somehow. Thank you for the idea.

[ak2]

Why do conversations have to be meaningful? Serious question.

 

Lots and lots of conversations I have are not meaningful at all. Though I dont think that if I had one with a girl and she seemed happy to talk about pop music or spending half her salary on clothes, I can't say I'd ever want a relationship with her, we would be too different.

[basil67]

Well your looks certainly aren't the problem!

 

What I looked for in a man was being well rounded. Someone who has a good balance of work, fun and friends. Unfortunately, your balance has tipped far too much to the work side of things. It would set off red flags for me.

 

When do you spend time with mates?

[ak2]

Well your looks certainly aren't the problem!

 

What I looked for in a man was being well rounded. Someone who has a good balance of work, fun and friends. Unfortunately, your balance has tipped far too much to the work side of things. It would set off red flags for me.

 

When do you spend time with mates?

 

Thank you for the compliment and for your reply.

 

I tend to get very consumed in what I do though, whatever it is. If I find a girl that does not get me into a sacrificial relationship then I will take time off my business of course.

 

When I meet my friends? In the gym, the occasional night at a pub, eating out, playing video games together online...

[spiderowl]

Is it possible that you are coming across towards women as someone who has no place for a woman in his life? If you have no other interests than work and you find the subjects women want to talk about boring, then they may feel there is no connection/crossover points there. I don't know, just postulating here.

 

You mentioned you might ask online women about their goals in life. I wonder if you are coming across as someone very ambitious who is goal orientated and not orientated towards making her life happier? A woman can sense when a guy seems more interested in what she has achieved or is capable of earning than in her and her various life possibilities.

 

Obviously, the time you spend working, training and being on your own makes a social life impossible. You need to be mixing in other circles just for fun. I think you need to find what other interests you do have and develop them.

 

Finally, do you actually care about women? You have said a lot about yourself and the good status-type qualities you have, but little about how you show women you care about them. You seem cut off from their chat and focused on being of high status. It might help if your approach is geared towards building warm, caring relationships with women (based on things other than work), rather than a goal-orientated, interview-style approach. I may be wrong and you may be coming across as a lovely, warm person who is interested in women as real people, but I think it is worth considering the above.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

If finding a life partner and building a family together is really important to you, then you need to make it as much of a priority as your career.

 

At the moment, work is consuming most of your time, so if you are really serious about this, then you need to make some readjustments to your schedule to allow you to socialize more frequently.

 

If online dating isn't proving to be successful then you need to try another avenue, such as taking up new hobbies or interests which allow you to meet like minded women. Have a look for different social events and groups in your area and try new things.

 

Also, if there is a cause you support, then volunteering might be a great way to meet a woman who genuinely cares about making a difference and helping others. If you have been dating the wrong sort of women, this may help you you find ones with more long term potential.

 

There are numerous options out there. My point is that you need to find a way to make more time to do it. It is unlikely that she will just fall in your lap. You have to be willing to make the effort.

 

Good luck!

[ClassyTaste]

You own a restaurant. You could start a weekly singles business mixer in the community. There are many type of events that you could host to meet women in business who may have ambitions similar to your own and will not mind the hours and dedication the you put into your work and dreams.

[d0nnivain]

I run a restaurant. The only reason I can imagine I'd go to a networking event is to find people for marketing, which is a possibility though I dont need it now.

 

 

No. You need people to eat your food, don't you?

 

 

I don't know what time your restaurant is open but in the US they have networking things all time -- breakfast events, lunches, after work, etc. Play your cards right & you should be able to get one of these groups to host their event IN your restaurant, extra revenue for you!

 

 

Try things like BNI (it's a lead exchange group that I believe is international).

 

Also think about hosting something like speed dating in your place. Those groups always need locations.

 

Like you I prefer meaningful conversations but it's important to be able to start slowly -- with "easy" conversations about the weather or the local sports team.

[ak2]

Thanks again for the replies, I have gotten quite some feedback and I see a lot of things I have just had a poor view of.

 

Is it possible that you are coming across towards women as someone who has no place for a woman in his life? If you have no other interests than work and you find the subjects women want to talk about boring, then they may feel there is no connection/crossover points there. I don't know, just postulating here.

 

You mentioned you might ask online women about their goals in life. I wonder if you are coming across as someone very ambitious who is goal orientated and not orientated towards making her life happier? A woman can sense when a guy seems more interested in what she has achieved or is capable of earning than in her and her various life possibilities.

 

Obviously, the time you spend working, training and being on your own makes a social life impossible. You need to be mixing in other circles just for fun. I think you need to find what other interests you do have and develop them.

 

Finally, do you actually care about women? You have said a lot about yourself and the good status-type qualities you have, but little about how you show women you care about them. You seem cut off from their chat and focused on being of high status. It might help if your approach is geared towards building warm, caring relationships with women (based on things other than work), rather than a goal-orientated, interview-style approach. I may be wrong and you may be coming across as a lovely, warm person who is interested in women as real people, but I think it is worth considering the above.

I get what you mean and I most likely come across as too focused on my own goals. My rationale for this previously was that my partner would not mind or would see it as a positive trait. I'll have to work on this.

 

If finding a life partner and building a family together is really important to you, then you need to make it as much of a priority as your career.

 

At the moment, work is consuming most of your time, so if you are really serious about this, then you need to make some readjustments to your schedule to allow you to socialize more frequently.

 

If online dating isn't proving to be successful then you need to try another avenue, such as taking up new hobbies or interests which allow you to meet like minded women. Have a look for different social events and groups in your area and try new things.

 

Also, if there is a cause you support, then volunteering might be a great way to meet a woman who genuinely cares about making a difference and helping others. If you have been dating the wrong sort of women, this may help you you find ones with more long term potential.

 

There are numerous options out there. My point is that you need to find a way to make more time to do it. It is unlikely that she will just fall in your lap. You have to be willing to make the effort.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you for your input. I will look into what kind of volunteering I can do. Once upon a time I studied to become a teacher, not because I thought it would be a lax job, but because I wanted to make a difference, though I found out I was only a tiny factor. I can think of myself doing volunteer work and I definitely score people who do this kind of stuff higher in my ranking system

 

No. You need people to eat your food, don't you?

 

 

I don't know what time your restaurant is open but in the US they have networking things all time -- breakfast events, lunches, after work, etc. Play your cards right & you should be able to get one of these groups to host their event IN your restaurant, extra revenue for you!

 

 

Try things like BNI (it's a lead exchange group that I believe is international).

 

Also think about hosting something like speed dating in your place. Those groups always need locations.

 

Like you I prefer meaningful conversations but it's important to be able to start slowly -- with "easy" conversations about the weather or the local sports team.

 

Thank you for your input! BNI seems interesting. As does the idea about hosting events. Though speed dating I may not be able to host as I have never done it myself haha. My shop is not that big so it is a limiting factor.

 

You own a restaurant. You could start a weekly singles business mixer in the community. There are many type of events that you could host to meet women in business who may have ambitions similar to your own and will not mind the hours and dedication the you put into your work and dreams.

That would be beneficial to my income , though eventually I have always had plans to be able to work much less but have a good standard of living. Thank you for the idea though, I think I would really fit well with that type of person. I can work on myself and overcome my stubborn tendencies but the truth is I have always been focused on doing things this way.

[ak2]

Wow I was in a state of repeating the same route and failing over and over. It feels really refreshing to get some outside perspective. Very grateful for the replies!

[goldenlotus]

I would stay away from Asian dating sites in general, and dating women who approach you on vacation. I lived in Asia for awhile and I've traveled through southeast asia. Many of the women there get married to be supported, not for love. There's just a different concept of marriage and love there. To be honest, most of the men I have known who targeted Asian women weren't really very attractive or had issues. They had this idea that they had failed at meeting women where they were and were racially stereotyping Asian women. This certainly isn't every case but I thought I'd throw it out there because it happens so much.

 

I agree with everyone else that you need to prioritize meeting people. Go on lots of dates, join a club, get out there and get noticed. If women aren't responding to messages online, could it be that you aren't as attractive as you think, or your pictures aren't doing you justice? If you are less attractive than average or about average, getting out there and meeting people face to face will be better for you. Online dating tends to favor the most attractive, and someone who is perfectly decently looking will be overlooked in that meat market. People are more attractive in person so focus less on work and more on hobbies and activities.