Justhavingacuppa Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Ok like many husbands mine likes porn. My question isn't so much about the porn as the fact my husband is happy to choose these women to masterbate too who he clearly is attracted to . Half my age and clearly without the scars of c sections etc yet he never and I literally mean never compliments me in any way . I dress nicely , do my nails hair and other people seem to have no problem being complimentary yet he can't say a word ., never did even when we dated which I guess I should have paid more attention to . Believe me , when he looked at other women , both in real life and in porn you can sure see the compliment and appreciation in his eyes but I don't ever get that look either . I've tried talking to him many times and he tells me I'm being silly and should know he loves me because he's here . That's simply not enough for me . Life is slipping away and I need more . Why don't I deserve in the very least the looks he gives the other women of not the words he refuses me . I hear other men appreciating their wives and gf . Sure he takes the trash out and shows love but I NEED to hear it . I give him plenty of compliments all the time .
Mumbles Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 I wouldn't read too much into the porn. I don't know how many porn consumers really relate to the actors and define them as "real" - their just props. As for not getting what you need - verbally, have a look and further explore this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages The five love languages. There might be something in that for you to help understand whats possibly going on. If you can raise the subject, get your husband to read the book, or research the subject himself online. If everything else in the relationship is pretty much fine, you might find that a bit of knowledge and some simple changes, from both of you will dramatically change how you feel. 1
SammySammy Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Porn is just fantasy. I wouldn't read anything into it. One thing that has fascinated me is women's "need" for compliments. The need to be compared favorably to other women. I know I don't get it because I'm a man. But, I don't need compliments. I don't need to be told I'm better than other men. Not that any woman has done that on a regular basis. The language is curious to me. I could understand it more if it was a want. Almost always, it is expressed as a need. Interesting. It's another area men in LTR need to learn and master. How to be aware of and fulfill your lady's emotional needs. 1
Aqulesco Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 I would ask him directly that it is something that you notice and would like a bit or reassurance sometimes. I know most will disagree with me but I dont think porn is good for relationships for the most part, espec if it is used on a regular basis. 1
Author Justhavingacuppa Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 Porn is just fantasy. I wouldn't read anything into it. One thing that has fascinated me is women's "need" for compliments. The need to be compared favorably to other women. I know I don't get it because I'm a man. But, I don't need compliments. I don't need to be told I'm better than other men. Not that any woman has done that on a regular basis. The language is curious to me. I could understand it more if it was a want. Almost always, it is expressed as a need. Interesting. It's another area men in LTR need to learn and master. How to be aware of and fulfill your lady's emotional needs. Hi , I wouldn't say it's about needing to be compared to other women at all . It's about needing to be told I'm desirable and attractive to him. If he finds other women attractive and they sexually and visually excite him I want to know that o am at least more exciting to him than some random woman he doesn't know . To many women feeling desirable is what turns us on so maybe try thinking of it as a female erection . There had actually been a lot of research done on women feeling desired being a key component in female arousal . Don't know if links are allowed here but simple searches on psychological differences between female and male arousal lead to lots of info. We actually had therapy several years ago from an experienced therapist who talked to my husband about this very research but still no change , hence my frustration... So I honestly feel like him denying me compliments is no different to me denying him sex ( which incidentally is something I don't do ) 3
SammySammy Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Hi , I wouldn't say it's about needing to be compared to other women at all . It's about needing to be told I'm desirable and attractive to him. If he finds other women attractive and they sexually and visually excite him I want to know that o am at least more exciting to him than some random woman he doesn't know . To many women feeling desirable is what turns us on so maybe try thinking of it as a female erection . There had actually been a lot of research done on women feeling desired being a key component in female arousal . Don't know if links are allowed here but simple searches on psychological differences between female and male arousal lead to lots of info. We actually had therapy several years ago from an experienced therapist who talked to my husband about this very research but still no change , hence my frustration... So I honestly feel like him denying me compliments is no different to me denying him sex ( which incidentally is something I don't do ) Ah. I see. Feeling desired leads to arousal. Not feeling desired leads to feeling of rejection. Which leads to ... whatever the opposite of arousal is.
Author Justhavingacuppa Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 Yes exactly . I was just thinking that it's actually more like me denying him any form of sexual arousal than sex probably , but either way all I know is that it makes me feel extremely unattractive and unwanted and that makes my desire to have sex with him pretty low
SammySammy Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Yes exactly . I was just thinking that it's actually more like me denying him any form of sexual arousal than sex probably , but either way all I know is that it makes me feel extremely unattractive and unwanted and that makes my desire to have sex with him pretty low Makes sense. When you explain it like that. I don't know how you can get through to him. We can be pretty clueless sometimes. I'm wondering if he would changed if it was explained to him in terms of arousal. I'm betting he just feels pressured to compliment you without fully understanding what you want or need and why. The why is important. 1
Bastile Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 But you say that he's never been very complimentary of you. And that's a man you chose to marry. Generally, that would get worse over time - not better. Porn isn't the real issue, it's a scapegoat. All guys watch porn. The issue is that you don't feel appreciated or understood. You dislike where his attention is, because it isn't on you. If you start harassing him about porn, he'll likely just do it sneakily. So, I'd be careful about that. Better to keep things open and honest. If you've been through therapy, you've dealt with him plenty about it, then I'm not sure what else you can do. Generally, It sounds like it just isn't his nature. And it's unlikely that you'll change him in any sort of significant way.
Author Justhavingacuppa Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 Thanks MidKnight , its great on the one hand to see it so well understood by someone like yourself yet the man who says he Loves me and has been told this by both myself and a therapist refuses to compliment , doesn't look at me as he does other women etc . I think I may need to face the truth that he is simply not attracted to me. There is only so much a woman can do
Author Justhavingacuppa Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 (edited) But you say that he's never been very complimentary of you. And that's a man you chose to marry. Generally, that would get worse over time - not better. Porn isn't the real issue, it's a scapegoat. All guys watch porn. The issue is that you don't feel appreciated or understood. You dislike where his attention is, because it isn't on you. If you start harassing him about porn, he'll likely just do it sneakily. So, I'd be careful about that. Better to keep things open and honest. If you've been through therapy, you've dealt with him plenty about it, then I'm not sure what else you can do. Generally, It sounds like it just isn't his nature. And it's unlikely that you'll change him in any sort of significant way. It is true that he was never complimentary and it is true I did choose to marry him. One BIG difference ... He did look at me the way he now only looks at other women Edited June 27, 2017 by Justhavingacuppa 1
elaine567 Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 (edited) "Responsive sexual desire" is very, very common in women. They are not normally aroused, they are not thinking of having sex but can be turned on by the hot chase and by cuddling, stroking and feeling very desired by a man. Porn may be "just" fantasy to men, but to many woman it displaces her sexual "role" in the relationship. She doesn't feel desired as his primary attention is elsewhere. She is not the main object of his desire and she is often very aware of that fact. She does not have a man who will chase her to the ends of the earth to "get it" and turn her on massively in the process. She has a man who "gets it" from porn and "Btw do you want to have sex as there are no hot babes around just now." She is not feeling desired, she is not feeling aroused, sex is a chore, she shuts down. For women who have responsive sexual desire (which is an extraordinarily large number), it can be really important that they feel sexually desired. If the woman doesn’t feel the desire, she will probably not be inspired to have sex. This is why so many people are addicted to what is known as “New Relationship Energy.” They need to feel hot desire and the game of pursuit to access their full erotic turn on. It’s amazing how quickly a steamy love affair can fade with a woman who has responsive sexual desire, when she feels the hot desire from her lover turn to warm desire . Women with responsive sexual desire really want you to want them and require erotic stimulation in order to first feel arousal then desire for sex. https://uncoveringintimacy.com/responsive-vs-spontaneous-desire/ Edited June 27, 2017 by elaine567 1
elaine567 Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 It is true that he was never complimentary and it is true I did choose to marry him. One BIG difference ... He did look at me the way he now only looks at other women I guess you cannot really change that. YOU have tried, a therapist has tried but he cannot manufacture desire any more than you can. YOU need to do a cost benefit analysis of your whole relationship and if having a man desire you is a big part of your happiness, then you may need to say bye bye to Mr PornUser.
Bastile Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 (edited) It is true that he was never complimentary and it is true I did choose to marry him. One BIG difference ... He did look at me the way he now only looks at other women Generally, I'm the sort who gives basically gives a lot of attention to women. That's just my nature. Ironically, I once thought the opposite way to you... that women should give me the same amount of compliments. And I actually told one of my first girlfriends off for that, because I saw it as being uncaring. I'm actually embarrassed to even say that now. Any guy with two brain cells to rub together figures out everything that you've said here eventually... the need women have to feel desired and loved... how much they value attention. I really think the men that don't figure it out just don't care enough to. It's serious mental laziness, in my opinion. And I have no idea how a guy goes through life with his head up his arse to that extent. He's sleepwalking. And I'm not sure how you're even supposed to wake him up, to be honest. The fact that you are the one on here trying to improve things, rather than him, says it all. Must be very frustrating. Edited June 27, 2017 by Bastile
Author Justhavingacuppa Posted June 27, 2017 Author Posted June 27, 2017 Thanks everyone for your replies and insight , I really appreciate it . Just feeling listened to and understood feels massive. 1
IndigoNight Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 How long have you been married? Porn is just a visual aid for most men. Unfortunately, far too many women compare their own looks and sexual prowess to the porn their man watches. Please stop. Don't take porn too personally, because it's not personal. It is a means to an end, so to speak. Do you fantasize when you masturbate? Is it about him? I guarantee a creative mind can go places that internet porn never will Enjoy it. When I first started dating, MANY years ago, my dad told me "Men don't take hints." He was right, they don't. So, if you want more compliments, simply tell him why you want/need them. The more he compliments you, the more attractive you feel. The more attractive you feel, the more you want to express your love and desire for him, etc. Also, that not complimenting you is hurtful, and that you don't feel like he notices the effort you make to be appealing to him. I would even give him a number, say two or three compliments a day. Remember, "Men don't take hints." If you say "I want more compliments" and he gives you one a week, he is in fact giving you more compliments. Will one be enough? If not, tell him what you need! I doubt it is a lack of finding you attractive, since you said he has never really complimented you. It's just not what he does. Time for some retraining. Oh, and make sure you are complimenting his as well. If you want more compliments, giving more may help you get more. Best of luck. 2
Mumbles Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 5 love languages ... seriously folks. Its a good read. Not all women need words of affirmation, and some men, as seen above, _do_ need them. Its just basic communication, nothing onerous, yet, its not right to assume that we all will just _know_ it all somehow or will work it out. This scenario seems to me like one that can be easily solved with the right communication education - but if left to fester will turn into something quite big and scary. 3
Overtaxed Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 5 love languages ... seriously folks. Its a good read. Not all women need words of affirmation, and some men, as seen above, _do_ need them. Its just basic communication, nothing onerous, yet, its not right to assume that we all will just _know_ it all somehow or will work it out. This scenario seems to me like one that can be easily solved with the right communication education - but if left to fester will turn into something quite big and scary. It's a fantastic read. I'm sure it's a bit overly simplified, people can't be boiled down to "one need". But, I can say this, if I'd read that book this time last year, I'm pretty sure my W never would have had an A. No, not all women need WOA. But, absent other evidence, it's safe to guess that a woman's love language is words of affirmation and a man's is physical touch (with encompasses sex). Those are ours, and they are the most common for women/men respectively. As to the porn usage, it might be a problem if it's replacing you. It might not be a problem at all. Yes, men can and do "replace" their wives sexually with porn, but that's not at all the goal, they don't "want" that, they give up sexually with the W and porn becomes the escape. Not saying it's right or good, but that's what happens. I've had many men say to me some version of "It's not worth it", meaning that while they'd prefer to have sex with their wives over porn, the "hoops" they will have to jump through to get it make porn the preferred option. Not right, no, but almost no man would turn down sex for porn; if he's doing that, there must be something about sex that's getting wrapped in there that's making it uncomfortable/too difficult for him. It's unfortunate that men are so stimulated by porn because there are some real ethical considerations there. But, yes, we all watch it; I laugh because of a study done years ago to find out the effects of porn on the male brain. They had to end the study because they couldn't find a "control" group (IE, men who don't want porn). If it helps, porn is to men what a vibrator is to a woman; it's an aid have an orgasm, don't read more into it than it is. Yes, it can be a problem, just like some women use a vibrator to excess and can't ever have an orgasm without one. But it doesn't have to be a problem, it can just be part of a normal sexual relationship. 2
Bastile Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Interesting thoughts. I do agree that there is value in the "love languages" book. And I also agree that men typically veer towards physical touch, whilst women veer towards words of affirmation. I am probably a bit weird in that I don't care about sex that much. And I probably do enjoy verbal intimacy a great deal. The differences in gender under this paradigm were highlighted greatly in my first few relationships. Where the girls had dealt with guys typically that just wanted to get laid, and I wasn't satisfied at that. Led to great intimacy, but I challenged and confused the hell out of them sometimes too. There are gender differences to consider, which without doing so, leads to confusion. I've been attaching a lot of other things to sex over the last few years such as pride, ego, validation, and the like which is actually probably against my nature. Probably a part of why I'm getting really pissed off with dating. I'm adapting myself to something cancerous to my system, and then moaning about the tumor. Going to change my approach over the next few years to something better. Regarding porn: I completely agree. When a man is offered sex, but chooses porn, it shows a serious declining of his interest level. In relationships I think it's fine to use it every now and again, but it shouldn't be the regular - and shouldn't be prioritized over sex. It does sound to me like she's tried everything with the guy, and it just isn't working. Shouldn't take multiple warnings, and seeing a therapist, just to pay some attention to your wife.
Overtaxed Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Interesting thoughts. I do agree that there is value in the "love languages" book. And I also agree that men typically veer towards physical touch, whilst women veer towards words of affirmation. I am probably a bit weird in that I don't care about sex that much. And I probably do enjoy verbal intimacy a great deal. The differences in gender under this paradigm were highlighted greatly in my first few relationships. Where the girls had dealt with guys typically that just wanted to get laid, and I wasn't satisfied at that. Led to great intimacy, but I challenged and confused the hell out of them sometimes too. There are gender differences to consider, which without doing so, leads to confusion. I've been attaching a lot of other things to sex over the last few years such as pride, ego, validation, and the like which is actually probably against my nature. Probably a part of why I'm getting really pissed off with dating. I'm adapting myself to something cancerous to my system, and then moaning about the tumor. Going to change my approach over the next few years to something better. Regarding porn: I completely agree. When a man is offered sex, but chooses porn, it shows a serious declining of his interest level. In relationships I think it's fine to use it every now and again, but it shouldn't be the regular - and shouldn't be prioritized over sex. It does sound to me like she's tried everything with the guy, and it just isn't working. Shouldn't take multiple warnings, and seeing a therapist, just to pay some attention to your wife. Great post. Do want to add one thing though, "paying attention" and words of affirmation are different. I paid attention to my wife all the time. In fact, probably too much, so much so that I dropped a lot of other interests. I just didn't use the WOA while I was paying attention to her, we would talk about our future, our dreams, and lots of mundane stuff too (work days, schedules, etc). But "paying attention" and talking was not the thing missing for her in our marriage. It was the WOA, the "I appreciate you", or "I think your beautiful" that I didn't say. Not indicating that's what's going on here, but I did want to call out that WOA and attention aren't necessarily the same thing, they weren't for my wife. The parallel I'd draw, it's like a woman saying she always gives a man backrubs and that should fill his need for physical touch. No, because sex and backrubs aren't the same thing; physical touch to most men means "sex", just like words of affirmation to most women means "compliments" not just being present and interested in their day.
Bastile Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 I get what you're saying, mate. When I'm talking "attention" with women, I am including that, and obviously more. I don't talk about giving my friends attention... She needs to feel the entire thing. I think just some affirming words whilst he watched porn wouldn't be satisfactory. Obviously touch (not always just leading to sex), compliments, kissing (not just leading to sex), flirting, challenging one another, supporting one another, dating, developing together, texting, sexting, etc etc. But he's not the one on here, and I don't think a woman can nag those things out of her man.
knabe Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 Porn is just fantasy. I wouldn't read anything into it. One thing that has fascinated me is women's "need" for compliments. The need to be compared favorably to other women. I know I don't get it because I'm a man. But, I don't need compliments. I don't need to be told I'm better than other men. Not that any woman has done that on a regular basis. The language is curious to me. I could understand it more if it was a want. Almost always, it is expressed as a need. Interesting. It's another area men in LTR need to learn and master. How to be aware of and fulfill your lady's emotional needs. I don't need to be better than any other woman. I do want to know that my man finds ME beautiful and that I am attractive to HIM. Luckily my fiance tells me every day, and even if I walk by in a t-shirt, he goes "woohoo how did I get so lucky". Men could learn from him.
understand50 Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 I think the best thing is to talk to him. Men, can be clueless on these things. Porn, is just like a shot of whiskey, just something to stimulate and then pass. It only get to be a problem, when it replace your real relationship. Talk to him, ask him why he likes the type of woman that he does. OR the type of porn he watches. May open some doors, but remember you are real, and those are just films and a fantasy, do not think, or try to compete. I wish you luck....
SammySammy Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 I don't need to be better than any other woman. I do want to know that my man finds ME beautiful and that I am attractive to HIM. Luckily my fiance tells me every day, and even if I walk by in a t-shirt, he goes "woohoo how did I get so lucky". Men could learn from him. Interesting. I have learned something from this thread. It brings to mind another question though: What if a woman is not beautiful or attractive? Or is not presenting herself in her best light. There are some beautiful women with ugly personalities and attitudes out there. Pretty, but mean. Women with ugly habits. So on and so forth. How does this work when he may not be feeling she's attractive and beautiful? What is he supposed to do then?
GunslingerRoland Posted June 27, 2017 Posted June 27, 2017 It is true that he was never complimentary and it is true I did choose to marry him. One BIG difference ... He did look at me the way he now only looks at other women I agree, that sounds like the bigger issue. You know your husband doesn't compliment with words, you are probably aren't going to change that now. But you can tell that something has changed, and that isn't insignificant. Not trying to put the blame on you, but are you still trying to look good? I mean, if you've let yourself go and put on 50 pounds, and never wear anything but sweat pants, then you have things you can do. But if you try to keep yourself looking nice, that is all you can do, all you can do is decide how much you can stand being unappreciated.
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