D Day is finally here

[oodlesofun]

I have been with a MM that I work with for almost 2 years now. I haven't loved any man more than I've loved him, though he is 14 years older with 2 kids.

 

He has tried to leave his wife for me but I have refused since I feel like I'm not ready. To be honest, I am afraid since he has been a serial cheater and I'm deeply afraid of the karma that'll bite me back in the butt. Nevertheless, I still love him with all my heart.

 

But yesterday she found out, and she is devastated. He doesn't know if they'll end up working things out or ultimately separating (which most likely means we'll end up together). And I am SO afraid. I am afraid that I will mess up my future love life if we end up together (I am still so young) but at the same time I feel like I'll never find anyone as funny, sweet, sexy, and passionate as him. Honestly, though, it'll deeply hurt me if he decides to leave me but I KNOW I will be alright.

 

I know the answer is to leave them alone, but I just need some emotional support since I have no one else to talk to. I would hate to be weak in times like these but I know how easy it is to fall back in the same trap.

Edited June 27, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lostgirl87]

Kind of in the same boat as you so I understand how you're feeling. It's a scary time.

 

The best thing to do now is leave them alone to figure things out on their own. I'm sure his wife will be pulling all the stops to keep her husband from leaving. I'm sure she loves him and doesn't want to lose her family but also, and forgive me BSs but I know there is truth to this, she also doesn't want to "lose". She doesn't want her husband to go and be with the woman that she blames for the end of her marriage while she ends up alone. Right now she is probably telling him she wants to fix the marriage and wants him to try with her, for the kids, for whatever reason. It's a very emotional and volatile time and MM is likely very confused and will be going back and forth with what to do for a while. Trust me, I was there/still kind of there.

 

For yourself, for your sanity: try and stay away from him and do not contact him. If he reaches out, you can either ignore him (best option) or tell him that you have no interest in speaking until he decides to divorce. I know it's hard. But it really is the only way to save yourself. The back and forth is AWFUL. Way worse than anything I experienced in the actual affair. Don't get caught up in it.

[Arieswoman]

oodlesofun,

one thing is dead certain, it won't be "oodles of fun" getting involved with a serial cheater

 

Don't you think you can do better than this?

[whichwayisup]

I have been with a MM that I work with for almost 2 years now. I haven't loved any man more than I've loved him, though he is 14 years older with 2 kids.

 

He has tried to leave his wife for me but I have refused since I feel like I'm not ready. To be honest, I am afraid since he has been a serial cheater and I'm deeply afraid of the karma that'll bite me back in the butt. Nevertheless, I still love him with all my heart.

 

But yesterday she found out, and she is devastated. He doesn't know if they'll end up working things out or ultimately separating (which most likely means we'll end up together). And I am SO afraid. I am afraid that I will mess up my future love life if we end up together (I am still so young) but at the same time I feel like I'll never find anyone as funny, sweet, sexy, and passionate as him. Honestly, though, it'll deeply hurt me if he decides to leave me but I KNOW I will be alright.

 

I know the answer is to leave them alone, but I just need some emotional support since I have no one else to talk to. I would hate to be weak in times like these but I know how easy it is to fall back in the same trap.

 

Your post is all over the place. What do you want? A life with him or just an affair? You know he's married with 2 kids, a serial cheater, so besides "love" what other reasons do have to stay with him? Give that some honest thought.

 

And yes, you should be concerned, when one roll is empty another one will need to be replaced. Unless he gets some serious therapy and works on himself the chances are very high he'll end up cheating on you too. You could be in his wife's shoes some day. And that's the women who gave birth to their 2 kids, why wouldn't he cheat on you too? He certainly has no loyalty or respect for her! And I assume you know where I'm going with this....

[oodlesofun]

For yourself, for your sanity: try and stay away from him and do not contact him. If he reaches out, you can either ignore him (best option) or tell him that you have no interest in speaking until he decides to divorce. I know it's hard. But it really is the only way to save yourself.

 

Thank you for your reply. The thing is I am just as confused as he is. I just don't think I'm ready for him to leave her for me, even though I love him. I think I'll just stay away even though it'll hurt me, at least until we both know exactly what we want out of this.

[lostgirl87]

Thank you for your reply. The thing is I am just as confused as he is. I just don't think I'm ready for him to leave her for me, even though I love him. I think I'll just stay away even though it'll hurt me, at least until we both know exactly what we want out of this.

I completely understand. That's how I feel too. I never wanted him to leave FOR me either.

 

And yes time away will help you too. I go back and forth a lot too: I love him but do I want a relationship that already has baggage? Will I ever fully trust him the way "normal" couples trust each other? He and I also have vastly different upbringing and a big professional and income disparity so that's another big concern.

 

Time away can only help. Keep yourself in that mindset and figure yourself out.

[elaine567]

If he is a serial cheat, then his goal will be to keep both women in his life. He is older and he has kids so he will not want to lose his marriage or is kids, so will be doing his best to make it up with his wife... He may talk the talk but if he CAN stay he will and if he can still keep you on the side he will do that too.

From two women to none at all - it is a fate worse than death to those guys... he will want to avoid that at all costs.

If she does kick him out, do you really want to be the booby prize? He hasn't left FOR YOU, if he leaves it is because she found out. You "win" by default

 

YOU know deep down he is NOT what you really want as husband material, you may "love" him but you could never trust him, and you will now have the added "bonus" of an irate betrayed wife who will be forever in your life as the mother of his two kids...

Happy days...

[aileD]

I completely understand. That's how I feel too. I never wanted him to leave FOR me either.

 

And yes time away will help you too. I go back and forth a lot too: I love him but do I want a relationship that already has baggage? Will I ever fully trust him the way "normal" couples trust each other? He and I also have vastly different upbringing and a big professional and income disparity so that's another big concern.

 

Time away can only help. Keep yourself in that mindset and figure yourself out.

 

 

If you feel this way then why are you even in an affair with him anyway? He's not good enough for a relationship but is good enough for an affair? Is it possible he feels that way about you too? Is that what you want?

 

To be honest, with all the variables you're probably not going to end up together in the long run or for the long haul.....so why waste your time now?

 

I like that you are questioning these things now and having time away from him with help you get out of the fog a little bit and really figure out what type of life you want to live. Affair world is much different place than the real world and things don't work the same for the most part.

 

I wish you luck. And as a BS, please be courteous to his wife's feelings.

[Ahurtgirl]

He is more than likely future faking. They all do it. I even received an engagement ring from ex MM and he called my than husband to beg him to let me find happiness with him. (My ex husband never told me about that call until just recently - five years later).

 

It's best to let them be to work on their marriage. Walk away peacefully and if his marriage would end because him and his wife mutually agree to divorce, then after a year or two post divorce, if he comes to find you there might be a chance. I have known couples who have had very successful marriages that started out as affaira but it was very messy for a couple years.

[RecentChange]

I feel like I'll never find anyone as funny, sweet, sexy, and passionate as him.

 

You probably won't - want to know why? You get the "fun time" him. Not the sitting at the dining table doing bills him. Not the grumpy and tired at the end of a long day him. Not his dirty socks on the floor, not his morning breath, not the day in day out depth you get in a real relationship.

 

You get the part time him. The escaping reality him. The part of him where sex romance and all the "fun" stuff comes first. He gets to be passionate with you because he is on a mental vacation when with you. Its not REAL like a marriage.

 

You SHOULD be scared that he will ruin you. DO NOT LET HIM. Remember you have a CHOICE in all of this. Choose yourself!!

 

And if he is a serial cheat - sorry darlin' but he will cheat on you, if he hasn't already. People like this are addicted to the thrill, the excitement, the naughtiness. You could be the PERFECT wife, but he will find himself looking for that fix again. That high that illicit sex brings. The ego stroke of conquest.

 

I know the dark secrets of a number of "serial cheaters" - and leopards do not change their spots.

 

R U N

[Birdies]

Forming a "real" relationship with your MM is tough no matter what. Talk about baggage!! It's even tougher with pissed off and hurting kids in the picture, with a devastated and desperate wife, and with a big age / income / life experience gap. You have all that, plus you think he's a serial cheat and you're not sure he's actually the partner for you. This is such bad news, you can surely recognize that. You are not going to get your happy ending here. Cut it off with him and let them try to figure out their own shlt. Don't continue the affair.

[BTDT2012]

I have been with a MM that I work with for almost 2 years now. I haven't loved any man more than I've loved him, though he is 14 years older with 2 kids.

 

He has tried to leave his wife for me but I have refused since I feel like I'm not ready. To be honest, I am afraid since he has been a serial cheater and I'm deeply afraid of the karma that'll bite me back in the butt. Nevertheless, I still love him with all my heart.

 

But yesterday she found out, and she is devastated. He doesn't know if they'll end up working things out or ultimately separating (which most likely means we'll end up together). And I am SO afraid. I am afraid that I will mess up my future love life if we end up together (I am still so young) but at the same time I feel like I'll never find anyone as funny, sweet, sexy, and passionate as him. Honestly, though, it'll deeply hurt me if he decides to leave me but I KNOW I will be alright.

 

I know the answer is to leave them alone, but I just need some emotional support since I have no one else to talk to. I would hate to be weak in times like these but I know how easy it is to fall back in the same trap.

 

Look at the words in bold. Is that what you want for your future?

[BaileyB]

The answer is to leave them alone. They need time to sort out their relationship now and decide if they will stay together.

 

And your fear of trusting a man who is a serial cheater is a valid fear. I'm not sure what anyone would ever trust a man who lies and cheats in his wife... Stay wih this man at your own risk.

[Southern Sun]

Thank you for your reply. The thing is I am just as confused as he is. I just don't think I'm ready for him to leave her for me, even though I love him. I think I'll just stay away even though it'll hurt me, at least until we both know exactly what we want out of this.

 

So often people who get involved with MM or MW, especially if they are single, are actually not emotionally available themselves. They THINK they are. They often think it's the MM/MW who aren't making themselves available, and that they are just waiting/hoping/begging for their lover to finally prioritize them. But if they actually get what they thought they wanted, it's like, uh oh, wait a minute...

 

OP, you enjoyed the relationship while it was 'safe.' It was passionate and exciting and all love and stuff while he wasn't actually available...because you know you don't actually want THAT. You signed up for it because you don't want to have to be totally committed and vulnerable yourself, for some reason. You think you are, but you're not. You've got a built-in escape hatch.

 

In this case, I think you should take. And then go work on yourself.

[freengreen]

Tell him that you are not looking forward to take it any further. Atleast he will be clear on what to expect from your side. If he wants to renew his marriage or not is his decision afterwards ( and his wife's).

[lostgirl87]

If you feel this way then why are you even in an affair with him anyway? He's not good enough for a relationship but is good enough for an affair? Is it possible he feels that way about you too? Is that what you want?

 

To be honest, with all the variables you're probably not going to end up together in the long run or for the long haul.....so why waste your time now?

 

I like that you are questioning these things now and having time away from him with help you get out of the fog a little bit and really figure out what type of life you want to live. Affair world is much different place than the real world and things don't work the same for the most part.

 

I wish you luck. And as a BS, please be courteous to his wife's feelings.

It's not that I don't think he isn't relationship material- i do love him and would work hard with him if he were single for us to make our relationship work. But in the last few weeks, I've thought more and more about our differences and our obstacles. I've always known they were there but I was more in thought process of "we love each other. It'll work b/c it has to. We'll figure it out". Now I'm realizing how much work it would really be and imagining the possibility of us not being able to fix it or get past certain things. I've never been blind but I'll admit that before I wasn't thinking as objectively.

 

I know he's afraid of being with me b/c I'm not a sure thing. His wife is security. He can continue to be the person he is and he knows she isn't going anywhere. With me, he knows things need to change. That I would require individual therapy for each of us as well as couple's therapy b/c we have very different methods of communicating. I don't think these things are deal breakers, I just think it would require effort and work from both of us. He and his wife are on more of a level playing field- neither one went to college, they come from a humble background. I didn't grow up wealthy by any means- but I had 2 very hard-working parents who made sure we got the best education possible and gave us everything we needed and most of what we wanted. Very different from MM and even his wife's upbringing.

 

Sorry for the thread jack- just wanted to answer the questions asked of me. My point in all of this, oodlesoffun, is that time apart can help everyone figure out what they really want and If it's all worth it or not. Reality hits you a little harder once you have that space. If after some time You and MM are still missing and in love with each other AND reconciliation either isn't working or isn't something MM or his wife wants, then a relationship can be started. Take advantage of this break. Really look at what you want, what you know about him, what life would be like with his kids as a stepmother and see if that's something YOU want.

 

If you're anything like me, southern_sun's comment is spot on. When MM and I were talking abou moving in together, figuring out what part of town to live, discussing our finances and what we could afford together, it all started to look more "real" and I flipped out. I even broke out in a mini rash (think Carrie on sex and the city when trying on wedding dresses). You not feeling ready and having these doubts could be a sign of your own commitment issues. No judgment - I have them too. But I did start working through those issues and I'm still a work in progress ha.

[Kejiiraa]

You said it in your first post. Leave him alone. He is MARRIED. And you helped mess that up - with no tangible gain for you. Why? I suggest therapy to find the reason why you don't believe you are worth more to a good guy.

[S2B]

I hope you will quit that job right away.

 

I also hope you will get the help of a great counselor to understand how to never be a second choice to any man ever again.

 

MM groom their prospects. They look for signs of weakness in their victims. Know and understand what they do/say to find which OW they deem most vulnerable... and work hard on yourself to never settle for that again.

[Overtaxed]

I hope you will quit that job right away.

 

I also hope you will get the help of a great counselor to understand how to never be a second choice to any man ever again.

 

MM groom their prospects. They look for signs of weakness in their victims. Know and understand what they do/say to find which OW they deem most vulnerable... and work hard on yourself to never settle for that again.

 

This is a very important point. Only one person "falls into" an A. The other is "grooming" and searching for it, if you're both "not interested" in an A, and neither of you presses it? Guess what. No A. There's always a "groomer" and "groomed". And, in the vast majority of cases, males groom the female APs, looking for those who would be "open" to it and then seeing how far they can take it.

 

You are better than this (to the OP). Being an OW is the lowest possible position you can be in most people's eyes, likely including, sadly, your MM. Men don't respect women who do this, it's something they want from you, but, when you give it to them, they will lose respect for you (if you know they're married and/or they know you're married; if you're both lying, then it's a little different).

[MidnightBlue1980]

This is a very important point. Only one person "falls into" an A. The other is "grooming" and searching for it, if you're both "not interested" in an A, and neither of you presses it? Guess what. No A. There's always a "groomer" and "groomed". And, in the vast majority of cases, males groom the female APs, looking for those who would be "open" to it and then seeing how far they can take it.

 

You are better than this (to the OP). Being an OW is the lowest possible position you can be in most people's eyes, likely including, sadly, your MM. Men don't respect women who do this, it's something they want from you, but, when you give it to them, they will lose respect for you (if you know they're married and/or they know you're married; if you're both lying, then it's a little different).

 

This is really true. Men do not respect women who sleep with a married man. Now, the OP seems to be single, so it is not *as* bad but the married woman thing, they have no desire to have a real relationship with someone who is comfortable cheating on her husband. I think I posted before that I have a friend/client who is in an affair with a woman whose husband is dying. She thinks he will marry her after her husband dies. He is not so sure because what kind of a woman does something like that. So she is thinking my client is sitting waiting for her, faithful, and he is anything but faithful and waiting.

 

I wish all the women here could hear what I hear from the guys, I get the real story and it is not what you would ever imagine. It's wife on one side, everyone else on the other. And you will never get to the wife side this way.

[road]

This is really true. Men do not respect women who sleep with a married man. Now, the OP seems to be single, so it is not *as* bad but the married woman thing, they have no desire to have a real relationship with someone who is comfortable cheating on her husband. I think I posted before that I have a friend/client who is in an affair with a woman whose husband is dying. She thinks he will marry her after her husband dies. He is not so sure because what kind of a woman does something like that. So she is thinking my client is sitting waiting for her, faithful, and he is anything but faithful and waiting.

 

I wish all the women here could hear what I hear from the guys, I get the real story and it is not what you would ever imagine. It's wife on one side, everyone else on the other. And you will never get to the wife side this way.

 

 

To me just as undesirable to marry.

 

The only difference between a single woman and a married woman

that cheats is one letter.

 

Is the letter W.

 

OW verses WW.

 

Still the same mind set that it is ok to be in an affair.

[misspalmy]

morly he will try to work it out with her, just been burn myself by his crazy wife.

 

thinks she won, she won a cheater

 

i think you should walk away, you will get stong. she will have the cheater where you wont have to worry about if he cheats again. once a cheater always a cheater

[Arieswoman]

Midnight post #20

 

This is really true. Men do not respect women who sleep with a married man. Now, the OP seems to be single, so it is not *as* bad but the married woman thing, they have no desire to have a real relationship with someone who is comfortable cheating on her husband.

 

This is an interesting viewpoint ^^^

 

My exH cheated with an engaged girl. He ended up marrying her when she got pregnant. That was 4/5 years after we divorced.

So it seems they both got what they wanted, which was basically a cheater for a spouse

 

He did say to me, some time after we divorced "I love x more than I ever loved you but I respect you more"

 

Make of that what you will.

 

Personally I just dismissed it, as he had told so many lies that I really couldn't believe anything that came out of his mouth, but it was an interesting comment.......

[freengreen]

Midnight post #20

 

 

 

This is an interesting viewpoint ^^^

 

My exH cheated with an engaged girl. He ended up marrying her when she got pregnant. That was 4/5 years after we divorced.

So it seems they both got what they wanted, which was basically a cheater for a spouse

 

He did say to me, some time after we divorced "I love x more than I ever loved you but I respect you more"

 

Make of that what you will.

 

Personally I just dismissed it, as he had told so many lies that I really couldn't believe anything that came out of his mouth, but it was an interesting comment.......

 

...and the award for 'most hogwash in one sentence' goes to.... Mr ' I respect you so I cheat on you'... < slow claps>