Sex and Marriage..who knew it could be this hard?

[BelleOfTheBall88]

I am new to this and I hope to gain some insight from others. This is a subject that I don't feel comfortable speaking about to others I know. So here we go.

 

I am 24 years old, my husband is 28. We've been married for four years and have two small children together.

He and I get along very well majority of the time. Although, he's not as affectionate as I'd like him to be, it still works and mostly we both are happy.

However, there is a huge issue we tend to overlook in our marriage. SEX.

In the beginning, like most couples do, we had sex frequently. His drive was good and mine was better than ever.

Over time, his evaporated into hardly nothing. I have always had a very high sex drive. I want sex everyday.

 

When his sex drive started to vanish, I offered up a suggestion to go to a doctor to get his testosterone checked out. His T was a bit higher than average. Doctor said he should have no issues with a low sex drive.

He explains to me that he's just not a sexual person. I can accept that.

 

I have plenty of porn and toys to keep me satisfied but still, nothing beats the feeling of a real person. A mans hands on my body...

I've explained my need for sex to him. And, he doesn't make it a priority. He thinks my need for sex is stupid and doesn't understand it.

But, like I said...I can accept that about him.

 

The other day he asked me to google something on his phone and from there I saw recent google searches of porn. (Let me stop here and say I'm not against porn)

But, it confused me because he claims he has little to no sex drive at all.

Wouldn't you still have to have some kind of drive in order to watch porn?

For me, I gotta be horny and in the mood..but maybe men think differently?

 

His porn use is not excessive. I probably watch porn more than he does. But, he watches it when he has rejected sex with me.

I asked him about it and he said that sex was boring. So, I offered up suggestions to make it better. Here are some things I've tried.

 

Role play- He was very uncomfortable and kept his head hanging down. Said he didn't like it.

 

We watched porn together-He said it made him uncomfortable and said that was something that needed to be done in private.

 

Strip tease-He liked this at first...but, then the last time we tried it. He couldn't "rise" to the occasion.

 

My husband is very vanilla and I'm the one with a kinky side. He shows no interest in trying anything else. And, I can't exactly try to act out what he watches in porn. He watches black women and I am white. So it's a fantasy that I cannot fulfill for him.

 

Anyways, my issue here is I'm making a big deal out of this. and he's telling me not to worry about it. But, I do. I've tried countless times to talk to him about it and he doesn't let me in.

One thing he said to me was this "Steak is my favorite food, but if I eat it everyday then I'm going to get tired of it and it will no longer be my favorite" and he says "I'm too available" and that he needs to chase me for sex.

I've tried going awhile without sex and it didn't seem to do anything.

But, how can I let him chase me? How can I fix this???

I don't want him to stop watching porn. Even if I did, you can't tell a man not to and I'm not wasting my energy here. I don't feel that porn is really the issue...or is it?

Edited June 28, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[mikeylo]

By reinacting the porn, you take out the fantasy. Porn is all fantasy. So he prefers that. His usage may not be excessive but he still prefers that. Maybe don't initiate at all for a while and see how it goes.

[BelleOfTheBall88]

By reinacting the porn, you take out the fantasy. Porn is all fantasy. So he prefers that. His usage may not be excessive but he still prefers that. Maybe don't initiate at all for a while and see how it goes.

 

I've tried it. Doesn't phase him. The last time I did that,I had waited about a month and his thing wouldn't even work.

[Aqulesco]

Talk to other men in a platonic way and make him think you're flirting. That will wake his primal side to take his wife. Grab his manhood and start fondeling it. Join him in the shower by surprize

 

Most husbands should be as lucky. Assuming you didnt let yourself go and gain 50lbs

[BelleOfTheBall88]

Talk to other men in a platonic way and make him think you're flirting. That will wake his primal side to take his wife. Grab his manhood and start fondeling it. Join him in the shower by surprize

 

Most husbands should be as lucky. Assuming you didnt let yourself go and gain 50lbs

 

I have also done this. It made things worse. I flirted with another man and he built up walls and had nothing to do with me. We are just now getting back on track since that happened. And when I try doing any fondling with him..he tells me to stop and calls me a sex maniac.

 

And I'm not conceited or anything. But I take care of myself. I am at a good weight and I regularly get hit on out in public. I feel pretty. And he tells me he's very much attracted to me. But, I sure don't feel it.

[elaine567]

Maybe don't initiate at all for a while and see how it goes.

She has tried that.

 

...I've tried going awhile without sex and it didn't seem to do anything.

 

..................

 

By reinacting the porn, you take out the fantasy. Porn is all fantasy. So he prefers that. His usage may not be excessive but he still prefers that

 

She can't re-enact the fantasy, short of changing into a black woman.

And, I can't exactly try to act out what he watches in porn. He watches black women and I am white. So it's a fantasy that I cannot fulfil for him.

 

She is on a hiding to nothing here. She has apparently gone above and beyond trying to make her sex life better, all to no avail.

She can't at age 24 stay with a man whose sex drive for her has essentially vanished, can she realistically?

[BelleOfTheBall88]

I am at the end of trying. I don't know what to do anymore. I hate to give up our marriage over this because other than this sex issue, things are great. He's a hard worker and an amazing father. He treats me well in other aspects.

[salparadise]

I think he's inhibited and probably has a fear of intimacy (closeness, openness) in the context of his sexuality. This is sometimes the result of puritanical attitudes in his upbringing, as in sex is dirty, forbidden, shameful. He's probably self-conscious as well, as evidenced by inability to engage in role-play. Porn in private allows him to indulge his sexuality in the fantasy realm without having to unmask with a real person. I don't think mild forms of this are unusual, but he has it to the extreme. I'd say therapy is needed, probably with a therapist that specializes in sexuality issues. If he could break through the inhibitions there might be a highly sexual person in there.

[SmartDude]

He may be frightened or upset by the thought that you will be the only woman he will ever be able to have sex with again in his life. Getting married or even being in a relationship usually requires sexual exclusivity. It is a sacrifice for love.

 

Sometimes men can miss sexual variety and they may act differently for awhile. If the relationship is good then it will only be a passing phase.

[BelleOfTheBall88]

I don't think mild forms of this are unusual, but he has it to the extreme. I'd say therapy is needed, probably with a therapist that specializes in sexuality issues. If he could break through the inhibitions there might be a highly sexual person in there.

 

I've wanted to go see a therapist. But, he only feels comfortable speaking with a male. We live in a very small town and there isn't much to choose from. And not to mention, our finances can't afford therapy.

But, I'm willing to take a loss. Our marriage is important to me...more than money.

I'm going to try to talk with him about seeing someone.

[BelleOfTheBall88]

 

Sometimes men can miss sexual variety and they may act differently for awhile. If the relationship is good then it will only be a passing phase.

 

I can give him any kind of variety that he wants. I'm more than willing to TRY ANYTHING. And he knows that.

I'm sure it isn't a passing phase. This started before we even got married. I married because I thought it was a phase and he told me it was nothing to worry about. But, it's gotten worse.

[elaine567]

Of course there is always the possibility he is cheating here. Sorry to say.

[BelleOfTheBall88]

Of course there is always the possibility he is cheating here. Sorry to say.

 

I don't think he is cheating. He works with my dad and brother. When he is home, he stays here. Doesn't really go out.

[mikeylo]

Of course there is always the possibility he is cheating here. Sorry to say.

 

This.

 

Since everything else is done for , this is the only reason.

 

Read the infidelity board and you will see that there are ways to have an affair , right under your nose.

[Overtaxed]

You've gotten good suggestions so far, so I'm just going to key in on one of them.

 

You mentioned he has performance issues. I suspect this may be the root of his problem. If a man can't perform, it becomes a "loop", worried about getting hard, then unable to get hard. Then frustrated (not being hard in NO WAY means we don't want to have sex). So he avoids it.

 

What did his estrogen level look like on his blood work? If he didn't get that checked, go again, get free/total test and E2 levels done. He could have high estrogen, that obliterates the male sex drive and is very easily fixable. Also, what are his actual free/total levels? Dr's say "normal" but, that might be normal for a 80 year old man, not for someone in his 20's. He should be near the top of the range.

 

What's his physical fitness level look like, could be that he's not happy with himself and doesn't find himself desirable, that can wreck havoc on many people.

 

Finally, the quick fix. Get some Cialis. That will help him, almost for sure, it'll take a lot of anxiety out of it for him because he won't have issues staying erect. It might be as simple as "fear" of not being able to perform like you want him to.

[central]

It sounds like fundamental sexual incompatibility. There is no physical reason he can't perform, so unless there is a psychological problem that prevents him from really enjoying sex, there is nothing you can do - and nothing he can do - to fix this.

 

 

Sorry to say, if good, frequent sex is really important to you, you may need to leave him and find someone who is more like you. This problem was a large part of the reason I left my ex - and I'm much happier now, in a very compatible relationship.

[Overtaxed]

It sounds like fundamental sexual incompatibility. There is no physical reason he can't perform, so unless there is a psychological problem that prevents him from really enjoying sex, there is nothing you can do - and nothing he can do - to fix this.

 

 

Sorry to say, if good, frequent sex is really important to you, you may need to leave him and find someone who is more like you. This problem was a large part of the reason I left my ex - and I'm much happier now, in a very compatible relationship.

 

I do not at all agree. Sex drive is very fluid and can be changed. It's laughably easy for men (testosterone). Giving up because of this without working on it hard doesn't seem reasonable unless there are other bigger issues in the M.

[DKT3]

I wouldn't think this is a cheating situation.

 

Let me guess, you rarely if ever turn him down for sex your entire relationship, you are always up for whatever he wants to try? Am I correct?

[DKT3]

It sounds like fundamental sexual incompatibility. There is no physical reason he can't perform, so unless there is a psychological problem that prevents him from really enjoying sex, there is nothing you can do - and nothing he can do - to fix this.

 

 

Sorry to say, if good, frequent sex is really important to you, you may need to leave him and find someone who is more like you. This problem was a large part of the reason I left my ex - and I'm much happier now, in a very compatible relationship.

 

Not necessarily true. Psychological issues can often be in play.

[BelleOfTheBall88]

 

 

What did his estrogen level look like on his blood work? If he didn't get that checked, go again, get free/total test and E2 levels done. He could have high estrogen, that obliterates the male sex drive and is very easily fixable. Also, what are his actual free/total levels? Dr's say "normal" but, that might be normal for a 80 year old man, not for someone in his 20's. He should be near the top of the range.

 

What's his physical fitness level look like, could be that he's not happy with himself and doesn't find himself desirable, that can wreck havoc on many people.

 

Finally, the quick fix. Get some Cialis. That will help him, almost for sure, it'll take a lot of anxiety out of it for him because he won't have issues staying erect. It might be as simple as "fear" of not being able to perform like you want him to.

 

His T level was 1005..if I remember correctly. Not really sure how that goes but I remember doc saying that number. The doctor tested for everything so I assume estrogen was tested as well. The doctor told him he had no reason health wise to have a low drive.

 

Physically, he's in good shape. He's not a body builder but he's at a healthy weight and if he doesn't like his body then I do not know anything about it.

 

Cialis works. But, the doctor doesn't like prescribing them to him because he's so young for it.

 

So, if performance issues is the problem. How should I approach This? What should I do?

[BelleOfTheBall88]

I wouldn't think this is a cheating situation.

 

Let me guess, you rarely if ever turn him down for sex your entire relationship, you are always up for whatever he wants to try? Am I correct?

 

Yes 100% correct.

[DKT3]

Yes 100% correct.

 

So here is the issue...you've taken away the thrill of the hunt. You are always willing and ready. This can create a few issues in such a young man. 1) you've made sex a job for him, maybe one he feels he isn't very good at because you need it so much. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. 2) because he knows he can have it whenever he wants his desire has lessened. 3) he just isn't excited about sex.

 

I suggest you pull back, stop being so willing, turn him down sometime. Make him come to you...and he will trust me.

[elaine567]

There is also porn addiction which can cause ED in younger men.

 

Has he ever tried giving up the porn?

[BelleOfTheBall88]

So here is the issue...you've taken away the thrill of the hunt. You are always willing and ready. This can create a few issues in such a young man. 1) you've made sex a job for him, maybe one he feels he isn't very good at because you need it so much. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that. 2) because he knows he can have it whenever he wants his desire has lessened. 3) he just isn't excited about sex.

 

I suggest you pull back, stop being so willing, turn him down sometime. Make him come to you...and he will trust me.

 

He has said this to me.

What exactly do I need to do? I feel like if I start turning him down then he will never come to me. And he will know what I'm trying to do.

[BelleOfTheBall88]

There is also porn addiction which can cause ED in younger men.

 

Has he ever tried giving up the porn?

 

Yeah, he's tried. But, I honestly don't feel like porn is the problem. I used to think it was but, I'm not so sure. I feel like he has porn in a healthy way.

He stopped using porn for about 3 months. Nothing got better. So, he continued. And I'm fine with that. I have needs too though and porn just doesn't satisfy me the way he can.