Losing hope...why haven't I found someone?

[Hopeful30]

I can't help but feel a slight punch in the heart every time I learn that people I've shared a history with (high school, social groups, etc.) get married or have children. I'm not saying their relationships are perfect, but they have someone to at least be involved with.

 

I've known some women who have been unfaithful or unfair in relationships, or who bring their personal issues to relationships, and yet somehow they have someone by their side. It has nothing to do with me, but it makes me wonder what could be so fundamentally wrong with me if women with more evident issues are in relationships.

 

I know this isn't the right frame of mind, but I guess when you're the kind of person who wants to share her heart, body and soul with someone, it gets a bit lonely when you see others with a lesser desire to do so having the opportunity. It's like childless women who desperately want kids seeing their friends all have babies, when their friends never really wanted families anyway.

 

I guess I'm just looking for some support is all. Thanks

[Gaeta]

Hello Hopeful30

 

When I was on the dating market, and you know I was there for a long time, all of my single friends got matched up before me. Often they had a sense of emergency and wanted to be matched up quickly. To achieve that they often dated people they were not compatible with or people that didn't treat them right.

 

Through my journey I'd hear often from those friends that I was too picky, I was expecting too much, I had been single too long and was set in my ways, etc.

 

I knew exactly the type of man I wanted to meet and I continued my journey. Sometimes my friends in relationships would even feel bad for me: aren't you lonely! how can you go the movies on your own! I don't know how you can be single for so long.

 

I always replied the same thing: When I find my man he will be the one, and he will be worth all of that search and all of that wait.

 

And that is exactly what happened. I met someone that is 100% into me and our relationship, a man that is loving, giving, affectionate, devoted, respectful and considerate. I don't have 1 bad word to say about that man after 1,5 year together while my friends who settled have lives full of drama.

 

My friends and family often tell me how lucky I am to have such good man in my life and I remind them my struggle and my determination to not settle down till I found that perfect man for me.

 

Don't give up, it's a journey but he'll be worth it.

[d0nnivain]

It's understandable to feel a sense of longing when other people seem to be getting what you want but it's not happening for you.

 

Look at what you are doing to achieve your goal. Perhaps add something new / different to the mix.

 

At 39 when I got serious about wanting to settle down I make it a goal to find a good man. It took a while but eventually I found him. I was going out at least 1-2x per week with the purpose of meeting someone.

[scooby-philly]

Seriously - like I've been on this site offering advice and perspective and seeking it for several years and while I haven't been on much in the past 6 months - I am always surprised at the clarity and accuracy of Gaeta's responses (she's a wizardress!)

 

Anyway - I totally agree with you. I was awkward, overweight, and a nerd in HS and College. Then I joined the seminary for 6 years after college. When I left b/c in my heart I knew I wanted a family - I managed 3 bad relationships in 6 years - one we weren't compatible and she wasn't my type - second one was certifiable and a psychopath (and I'm not dissing women - literally everyone who met her said that) and the last one was wow - how low did I go. So anyway - I feel the same pangs at time. But I've learned the hard lesson of being myself, of not settling, and also that I have value and worth and that just because someone says they will be with you, doesn't mean you should be with them.

 

And totally agree with Gaeta - so many friends and family members stuck in loveless relationships or just going through the motions of life because in love, career, etc they're so beaten into doing the societal "norm".

 

As Donnivain said - get out there. Use an online dating site. For God's sake try Tinder for a few weeks. Just get out there. Even if you're an introvert like me - find activities you love, like, or always wanted to try and join groups - meetup.com has hundreds of thousands of interests groups! Just keep putting yourself out there and when you need to retract a bit to recharge or recap experiences - just ease off for a bit.

 

At the end of the day do you want to be happy or do you want to not be lonely. Cause I know plenty of people that end up lonely even when surrounded by others.

[smackie9]

*You can be just as lonely in a relationship too.

 

 

It only take one person to be "the one", so it's worth the wait to get it right the first time.

[OatsAndHall]

I believe you need to take a step back and look at how many marriages end in divorce and the number of people that end up being single parents. The ramifications of jumping into a bad relationship aren't pleasant (I know from experience..) and, for me, it is far better to be a bit lonely versus dealing with the emotional roller coaster that goes along with getting involved with the wrong person.

 

I too want children and I am disappointed with where I am in life at this point. But, I am not willing to get heavily involved with someone and potentially start a family unless I am positive that they are a mature, respectful individual that is going to be in it for the long haul.

 

My last long term girlfriend and I discussed building a life together, getting married and possibly having children. She is a good woman and it is unfortunate that it ended but I absolutely could not see myself spending the rest of my life with her at the end of the day, much less having children with her. I could have jumped into things head first, made life decisions based on her and the relationship but I kept my head straight and my eyes open. Right now, I could still be working a job I hate, married to a woman that I wasn't compatible with and be looking at having a child.. Dodged a bullet there.

[j2415p44]

Hi, I understand how you feel. Waiting is never easy but we can learn so much during the hard process of waiting. When we wanted to have a child, it took us 2 years to get pregnant. My friends who were not expecting a child, they were the ones who got pregnant. Waiting for so many months was a difficult journey. Thankfully, I did not gave up, things didn’t happen in my schedule, it happened when we’re ready and the time was right, now my son is 16 years old.

I would like to encourage you not to lose hope. The person that you wanted to share your life with is coming on perfect time. There is a beautiful life ahead of you. Praying for you for comfort as you wait and you will have your heart’s desire. Thank you for sharing.

[Mysterio]

I don't know why we are all of a sudden having a rash of posts lately of people feeling really down about not having a love relationships and they are very young people.

 

I am 46. I have my moments as well. I still refuse to let it get me down. I am going out there and still meeting people/social activities. I am not focusing on major romantic relationships. I will let the universe do that for me. If I get married after 50 or so. So be it. I am more about a right fit, than just being with anyone.

 

When I look at the pattern of my life with love. It works better when there is familiarity, more than straight up strangers.

[Hopeful30]

Hi, I understand how you feel. Waiting is never easy but we can learn so much during the hard process of waiting. When we wanted to have a child, it took us 2 years to get pregnant. My friends who were not expecting a child, they were the ones who got pregnant. Waiting for so many months was a difficult journey. Thankfully, I did not gave up, things didn’t happen in my schedule, it happened when we’re ready and the time was right, now my son is 16 years old.

I would like to encourage you not to lose hope. The person that you wanted to share your life with is coming on perfect time. There is a beautiful life ahead of you. Praying for you for comfort as you wait and you will have your heart’s desire. Thank you for sharing.

 

Thank you for being so supportive <3

[Spreeley713]

After putting yourself out there for so long, it definitely gets old and one can't help but start to feel down. I just try not to give up hope. I live in a huge city, so I just keep putting myself out there. It does get exhausting, but I make myself do it anyway.

[Els]

One thing I've learnt is that in many cases, not everything is how they appear on the surface. There have been many cases where someone's life or relationship appears wonderful to a casual observer, but yet there are many cracks beneath the surface.

 

"At least they have someone to be involved with" is not ALWAYS a good thing. Sure, in some cases where the couple is genuinely compatible and in love and the relationship is healthy and happy, yes it can be amazing, but in many other cases, they would give a LOT to be in your shoes. I strongly believe that being in a bad marriage or LTR is worse than being single. I have seen unhappily married people with kids struggling to find a way to divorce without destroying their family and life, wishing they could do it all over. It's really, really scary and heartbreaking.

 

Anyone can find a relationship or a spouse or someone to have kids with, if they want it badly enough. It's finding the right person to do it with that is the real challenge. I definitely wouldn't assume that everyone has.

[guy45]

 

Anyone can find a relationship or a spouse or someone to have kids with, if they want it badly enough. It's finding the right person to do it with that is the real challenge. I definitely wouldn't assume that everyone has.

 

I agree. I was with the wrong person for a while, and though they were super nice I was probably way more depressed than I was when I was single. At least when your single you always have hope even if you think you don't.

[Mysterio]

For me right now. I am letting love find me. I am done with the massive search for finding love.

 

Unless your a movie/rock star. Its unrealistic for all of us to be going about our loves, and have tons of people wanting us to be in a romantic relationship with each other all the time. Thats why there are a lot of single people. Also. People are breaking up with each other and other factors that are not of our control for people being together and falling apart.

 

Its not like my friends who are still in relationships, still have to fend romantic prospects off. Sometimes we have to basically say that we are living a long life. 0-16 no BF/GF status. 16 to 86. Realsitically . We will be going in and out of relationships. 86 till Heaven. We are going to transition to the next life.

 

Life is not cut and dry, although I wish it was. We have to get out of our heads sometimes. We can't disect every part of our lives to the point of dissillusionment.

 

I made my last romantic atempt on a woman that goes to my gym. I found out she was married and let it go. Is there something in her life that is lacking. When I talked to her. I did not get the vibe that her and the husband were rocky. She is not some bombshell. She is a pretty lady that I fancied, more because she is warm/sweet/sharp and adorable. Not as much focused on her looks.

 

For me. I am letting go of the hunt and I suggest a lot of people do. I doubt that all of us are going to be single for life. I think us Loveshackers are a bit too think tanky about our lives. Its like we have been locked into this bad hapbit of thinking that being in love and having a romantic partner is the better life. Its just a differernt life. We can't always know whats best for us.

 

I do want it. I just have to let it come to me natrually.