Still in love with [OW]

[elaine567]

I hate ut when spouses take BS back only to make their lives hell and take revenge never having the intention to forgive. If I can't forgive I'll let him go his way.

But your W needed you to help with kids and not lose her lifestyle apparently. She never intended to have a true R.

 

 

YOU don't actually know that.

Mrs Ray may have gone into reconciliation with the full intention of healing her marriage, but over the years she just can't forgive or forget.

It is all very well to throw rocks at her, but maybe she is stuck in the same religious bind that keeps Ray still married.

 

Ray appears to be a very angry man and whilst there is lots of "the show" and protestations of remorse, says he is still in "love" with his AP and I guess his wife knows that very well.

I guess in anger both have probably said a lot of stuff that has probably ruined any chance of true reconciliation.

 

Added to that Ray will tell his wife of his "love" for the AP every day, perhaps not in direct words or actions, but his wife will still get the message. BSs may not know their spouse is cheating but most say that something changed in their marriage as soon as a third party entered.

I highly doubt that Ray can keep his continuing "love" for his AP hidden from his wife. All the diamond rings and books in the world cannot cover up that fact.

 

Reconciliation with the best will in the world is not possible when one party is still in "love" with someone else.

Trust once lost is very hard to recover.

It needs true "love" and an ability to accept the unacceptable and turn a blind eye to the truth, to fully reconcile. Not everyone can do that.

I guess in a perfect world, divorce would have been the best option long before the cheating ever occurred in the first place.

 

I have a feeling Ray is going nowhere, I guess his wife is going nowhere either.

Two angry people, disillusioned and disappointed by the way the world has treated them, wishing for a better life, but bound by religion to live out the life they have chosen.

[SummerDreams]

YOU don't actually know that.

Mrs Ray may have gone into reconciliation with the full intention of healing her marriage, but over the years she just can't forgive or forget.

 

Why didn't she divorce him then? She had 5 whole years to see she can't forgive and forget and every day she was choosing to stay in this marriage. I don't feel bad for her. I'm sorry.

[elaine567]

Why didn't she divorce him then? She had 5 whole years to see she can't forgive and forget and every day she was choosing to stay in this marriage. I don't feel bad for her. I'm sorry.

 

I guess she is staying for exactly the same reason he ostracised the "love of his life" and chose his marriage, ie religion.

[pheonixrisen]

yes.....I have NOT checked up on her, stalked her, contacted her, talked or texted her.....zero, nada.....NOTHING. I have answered this several times!

 

If I am in the stands at a kids ball game and someone mentions her behind me talking to someone else.....how is that checking up on her?

 

2 question for you

Who are you /your therapist /your pastor to decide how much time period a person should have to heal

 

It's 5 years you say ...you are still thinking about the ow wondering if it's love ....but want your wife to forget and move on why don't you forget and move on

 

Instead of berating your wife and how I did this and that and cried a river And she is still stuck wouldn't the better question then would be ...i have been through several therapist /pastor /wrote a dozen diary read the bible a thousand time and 5 years on I am still thinking of the ow and wondering if its love ? Why haven't you moved on but berate your wife because she has not .

 

You and your wife perhaps are thinking the same thing is he still thinking of his ow is he still in love 5 years on

 

You may make all the steps required but still be mentally in the affair 5 years if you are thinking of her your wife perhaps senses that ..and responds through that ...she is hearing what you say seeing what you do but her gut instinct perhaps tells her otherwise ...isnt that rightfully so ?

 

Tell her the truth ..tell her I have gone through every motion in the book and otherwise I have been through hell and back

For you ..and everyday I have thought of the ow...see how that sits ...atleast she knows she is not crazy to think otherwise .

Edited July 1, 2017 by pheonixrisen

[OpenBook]

I hate ut when spouses take BS back only to make their lives hell and take revenge never having the intention to forgive.

 

Agreed. It seems the bonds of hate can be just as strong as the bonds of love. Love that turns into hate... humanity's worst nightmare.

[Mr Blunt]

is it love I feel for the OW or something else.

 

Neither have you (Ray) or your OW had or has deep true love for each other. I say this because you refer to the Bible as your basis for your situation. Your bible says that part of love is...“it is not self-seeking”

Both you and your OW were self-seeking. In addition, you knew that adultery was against your God and your OW knew that she would be hurting you, your wife, and your children by doing what she did. You were not loyal and your OW was not loyal and that is against your faith and love.

 

Ray, I am not trying to rag on you as there has been plenty of that already on this thread. But to answer your question about love, which is a very important part of your dilemma, I am just pointing out factors that may answer your question.

 

In addition, your posts indicate that you were miserable with your wife and you both “speak two different languages of love” Conversely, you state that your OW understands you and gets you and accepts you just the way you are. You and your wife were miserable with each other and your OW gave your feelings great relief from your misery. Did the OW give your feelings something that you desperately wanted and needed? YES. Is that deep true love? NO

 

Ray, you have not lived with the OW and had to face all the pain, trials, and all the difficulties that come from living with a person for years and years. It is easy to think that someone (OW) is great when you only deal with them for the good feelings and not the great pains that come at times in marriage life. You cannot deny that the OW gave you great relief from the misery of your marriage but that is not the basis for real deep true love. What you had was going from misery to feelings of great relief.

 

 

Mrs. John Adams asked a very important question that is reprinted below

 

How can one have true remorse if they still are asking do I love my affair partner?

 

Ray, I hope that you are able to separate relief from misery from love. Feelings are great but they have to have actions of moral strength in order to be true love. That in your case comes from your God and His example.

 

Ray, I truly admire the efforts that you have taken to get things better with your wife; your actions are very impressive and I truly believe that you are honestly seeking to get things right. However, you need to know that your warm relief feelings that you have for your OW is not love and your wife needs to get rid of her resentments of you and forgive.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

2 question for you

Who are you /your therapist /your pastor to decide how much time period a person should have to heal

 

It's 5 years you say ...you are still thinking about the ow wondering if it's love ....but want your wife to forget and move on why don't you forget and move on

 

Instead of berating your wife and how I did this and that and cried a river And she is still stuck wouldn't the better question then would be ...i have been through several therapist /pastor /wrote a dozen diary read the bible a thousand time and 5 years on I am still thinking of the ow and wondering if its love ? Why haven't you moved on but berate your wife because she has not .

 

You and your wife perhaps are thinking the same thing is he still thinking of his ow is he still in love 5 years on

 

You may make all the steps required but still be mentally in the affair 5 years if you are thinking of her your wife perhaps senses that ..and responds through that ...she is hearing what you say seeing what you do but her gut instinct perhaps tells her otherwise ...isnt that rightfully so ?

 

Tell her the truth ..tell her I have gone through every motion in the book and otherwise I have been through hell and back

For you ..and everyday I have thought of the ow...see how that sits ...atleast she knows she is not crazy to think otherwise .

 

Every therapist, counselor, pastor will tell you if there is not movement to forgive by year three, bitterness is the issue....It does not take 4 and 5 years to make the decision to reconcile and move forward. It is not hurt. A person is stuck. Refusing to move forward, refusing to forgive, because it gives them power, or so they think....( I have had 4 different professionals tell me and her that....)

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

YOU don't actually know that.

Mrs Ray may have gone into reconciliation with the full intention of healing her marriage, but over the years she just can't forgive or forget.

It is all very well to throw rocks at her, but maybe she is stuck in the same religious bind that keeps Ray still married.

 

Ray appears to be a very angry man and whilst there is lots of "the show" and protestations of remorse, says he is still in "love" with his AP and I guess his wife knows that very well.

I guess in anger both have probably said a lot of stuff that has probably ruined any chance of true reconciliation.

 

Added to that Ray will tell his wife of his "love" for the AP every day, perhaps not in direct words or actions, but his wife will still get the message. BSs may not know their spouse is cheating but most say that something changed in their marriage as soon as a third party entered.

I highly doubt that Ray can keep his continuing "love" for his AP hidden from his wife. All the diamond rings and books in the world cannot cover up that fact.

 

Reconciliation with the best will in the world is not possible when one party is still in "love" with someone else.

Trust once lost is very hard to recover.

It needs true "love" and an ability to accept the unacceptable and turn a blind eye to the truth, to fully reconcile. Not everyone can do that.

I guess in a perfect world, divorce would have been the best option long before the cheating ever occurred in the first place.

 

I have a feeling Ray is going nowhere, I guess his wife is going nowhere either.

Two angry people, disillusioned and disappointed by the way the world has treated them, wishing for a better life, but bound by religion to live out the life they have chosen.

 

Any wS who has had an affair (not sex with a hooker but an affair) is LYING if they say they could turn off their feelings for the AP like a faucet and instantly focus all their attention to the BS at the turn of a dime. If you fall in love with someone, that person remains with you in spirit for a long time. But that does NOT mean you do not love your spouse or want to reconcile or are repentant or remorseful.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ray...I am going to agree with you. I think ... if you want to reconcile you know right away and you start immediately moving toward that. Now... maybe down the road... one of you changes your mind...decides you are too tired and it just isn't worth it...

 

I say this because... when you find out about your partners affair... you know immediately if you still love them...

 

When I told my husband I had cheated... he said ... I want you to stay... and from that moment we began to work on reconciliation and healing.

 

I do believe... there are betrayed spouses who choose to remain the victim ... who choose to make no effort toward learning how to forgive...and I think you probably have a partner who fits this.

 

So the question becomes what do you do? Because you feel like you have worked hard and you have done all you can...

 

I get it

 

And I think had you come to loveshack and posed the question..what else can I do to help my wife forgive me... and never mentioned the ow...people would have flocked to your thread with words of hope and encouragement and support.

 

But because you came here asking a forum full of hurt and broken people the wrong question... they became offensive and you became defensive... and for that I apologize...

 

In reality.. nothing matters about your ow... she is out of the picture... what matters is your healing. I believe you are a religious man and you are truly struggling with loving your wife as you know you should because frankly... to you she has become unlovable.

 

We simply cannot make someone love us or forgive us.. those are gifts freely given. And my guess is... if In 5 years she has made no movement toward love and forgiveness... she never will. I think she has allowed herself to wallow in self pity... and has done nothing to help herself heal the wound you caused.

 

So the dilemma for you becomes.. how long do I work to help you heal if you are choosing to remain broken.

 

You don't tell us much about your life... do you do things together?are there moments of happiness and joy? Or do you do exist in an evironment of bitterness and hatred?

 

I am truly sorry you are here ray and I am praying you receive the healing you are looking for. I have no answers because I cannot tell you to divorce or stay... that's your choice... but do make that choice for the right reason... stay because you love your wife... or divorce because you love yourself.... not because you think you might still love a woman who is no longer a part of your life.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

Your wife probably knows you do not love her,women notice it.And yes,i would be angry and hurt if i knew that..no matter how much you try to be good and respectfull,,she did not marry a friend she married you to be her husband

 

This I now doubt....because I never felt like her husband. This is not an excuse for my A, but certainly a condition that did not help.

 

For men...love is respect and honor

For woman...love is being loved

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

I have always believed that someone can't control who and when they fall on love with. I don't believe in marriage vows cause in my eyes they are made to make you do something you may not want anymore in X years. If my H doesn't love me anymore in X years would I want him to stay with me because he promised to once? Hell no. I am not keeping anyone captive.

 

Having said that, I don't think you love the OW. She was and is your "get out of jail card" and this is what you want. An example, lets say you are a prisoner and after staying in jail for years you take a day to go to mac donalds and eat a hamburger. This hamburger will remain your desire forever until you get out of jail. It's not that the hamburger was oh so tasty and perfect; it was the freedom you were feeling while eating it.

 

In my opinion this is what the OW represents for you. This does not mean you and her could not have been truly happy should you be together in the future. But I think she is not the perfect woman or the love of your life. She is just someone who was there during your "out of jail day".

 

I hate ut when spouses take BS back only to make their lives hell and take revenge never having the intention to forgive. If I can't forgive I'll let him go his way. But your W needed you to help with kids and not lose her lifestyle apparently. She never intended to have a true R.

 

I think it's time for you to plan your exit from the jail.

 

I sort of agree with parts of this and other parts no.... But thank you for your insight!

[Mr Blunt]

It is better to dwell in the wilderness than with a contentious and angry woman.

 

Proverbs 21:19

KJ21

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

Ray, I've followed your thread since you first posted. I quit posting as I figured whatever I had to say could get lost in posts that don't reflect any of my assessment about you and your situation.

 

I hope you get to your 50 posts soon so that you can process through PMs, also!

 

I am in awe of all you've done to try to remedy your marriage. That isn't to say I condone or take lightly infidelity of any sort (marital, sexual, financial and/or any other kind).

 

I'm wishing you the best and am in great admiration of your humility, kindness and dedication in answering posters of all different viewpoints on this thread.

 

Seems to me the way posters respond to others on the threads is a window into how they treat those they interact with irl. And I've been impressed with your posts to all.

 

May God bless you and your wife both! That isn't written to sign off of your thread but only because of goodwill and empathy for you as you find yourself in a difficult situation trying to solve it! I do plan to stick around and possibly post again if I can squeeze a post or two in here and there!

 

Well it must be 50 threads not 50 posts.....as I still have no PM buttons!

[OneLov]

It's 'x' number of posts and at least 30 days. Thus, you won't have private message privileges until July 27, 2017. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Well it must be 50 threads not 50 posts.....as I still have no PM buttons!

 

I believe it's 50 posts and thirty days. If so, you must be getting close. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.

[Mrs. John Adams]

It's 'x' number of posts and at least 30 days. Thus, you won't have private message privileges until July 27, 2017. Someone correct me if I'm wrong.

 

i beleive this is correct. or you can buy a membership and have immediate access to pm.

[Robert]

All - Please be advised of the moderation post on subscriptions.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/loveshack-org-questions-comments/622101-premium-subscription-including-payment-problems

 

In addition, after reading through the thread here, let's lay off the personal attacks on the OP and vice versa.....anymore of those and moderation will start throwing out the "vacations".

 

Thank you,

 

~ V

Edited July 6, 2017 by Robert
Updated URL for link...at least someone does read moderators posts. :) ~ V

[pheonixrisen]

Every therapist, counselor, pastor will tell you if there is not movement to forgive by year three, bitterness is the issue....It does not take 4 and 5 years to make the decision to reconcile and move forward. It is not hurt. A person is stuck. Refusing to move forward, refusing to forgive, because it gives them power, or so they think....( I have had 4 different professionals tell me and her that....)

 

I agree... your original post struck a chord felt like you were describing me and my marriage I was your wife for the longest time I would not budge from my misery ...i would not let go and threw it at him every argument every chance I got .every communication started with an accusation and ended with one from the time he woke up to the time he went to bed .i was angry I was hurting and I was communicating from a place of anger .i was unable to forgive I was unable to move past .a year later then 2 year later he was still there equally broken but would not leave .

 

The only difference is that I gave my h the opportunity to divorce on dday and following he did not want to

 

The change came because of several thing that happened over a period of time ...from my child who is coming to an age of understanding that mum and dad are grumpy at each other always to Me realising this is no life to live neither for him neither for me especially for me and my child .I did not want my dd to emulate me or feed off my energy ..no therapist or my dh could make me come to that realization I had to do it for my self for me or had to get out even though the therapist helped a great deal to channelize my energy in a better way ...i did not want to wait for the other shoe to drop thinking of its happening or will happen again my life was passing me by ...till one day I cut it cold turkey (this was actually quite recent )that meant moving my focus and attention from him and putting it solely on my self it was small steps that made huge difference (i was already preparing my self for this for a long time )I am still learning everyday and I get stronger every day ...my dh is more relaxed and does not walk on egg shelf .

 

I was also amazed in this process the amount of time i spent focusing on my dh instead of me (I think that's where all the misery was also coming from constantly questioning constantly watching i focused on what he did and what he was doing and how it had affected me instead of what I needed to get through this ...also part of the misery came from I did not want to be divorced but his actions was forcing me in that direction(I so much did not want to go in that direction that I was trying to control everything since we woke up to we went to bed ) i thought I could control his action if only I could catch it before he made those action I would not be forced to file for a divorce ...it made me very angry and aggressive .

 

I hope your wife comes to a realization that it has happened that people do wrong but want to genuinely make it right she needs to move the focus from you and focus on what would help her move forward even if it meant divorce ..and that even though you did wrong does not mean you need to spend the rest of your life in misery .

 

 

What ever you decide you need to do it without ow being involved ...its the best way to move forward ...

[lftbehind]

Hi Ray1201,

Hope that you're doing okay. Sorry that your R is rough with your W. I commend you for doing all you can to try and make your relationship work. Why did your OW threaten to tell your wife about the A? I'm sure that it's not easy for your W to get over the A, but at some point things need to get better between you two. Five years is a long time to live like that and it sounds like it's very stressful for you.

 

I'm sure that you do have some feelings for the OW. It's harder to move on from the affair when things are so tense at home. You wish for the good times that you had with the OW. It sounds like you two connected well and you could relax and be yourself around her. I'm sure that you would like to have that with your W, if it was possible. It doesn't seem like it's going to be possible, but it's good that you are really trying. I think that you'll know if and when you need to get a D. I wish you the best.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

Hi Ray1201,

Hope that you're doing okay. Sorry that your R is rough with your W. I commend you for doing all you can to try and make your relationship work. Why did your OW threaten to tell your wife about the A? I'm sure that it's not easy for your W to get over the A, but at some point things need to get better between you two. Five years is a long time to live like that and it sounds like it's very stressful for you.

 

I'm sure that you do have some feelings for the OW. It's harder to move on from the affair when things are so tense at home. You wish for the good times that you had with the OW. It sounds like you two connected well and you could relax and be yourself around her. I'm sure that you would like to have that with your W, if it was possible. It doesn't seem like it's going to be possible, but it's good that you are really trying. I think that you'll know if and when you need to get a D. I wish you the best.

 

It is complicated as to why she told her without really getting into details but the reason was told to me was that I would not spend time with her. For reasons I can not detail here as to implicate my specific situation and I prefer that anonymous nature of this forum. But in all honestly I knew my subconscious could no longer keep lying to my soul's morals even though my heart loved where it was with the OW. I stopped seeing the the OW about 4 months prior to D-Day on a regular basis. Meaning, I saw her 2 other times for just a few minutes to iterate to her I needed to get a divorce before continuing. I did not have any email or calls or IM's contact during this time. 2 months would go by and she would begin her calling me begging to see me. I obliged for a quick roadside meeting to tell her. I needed to stop seeing her till I got a D. Her love/obsession/desire/want (only she can answer that) kept pressuring me to see her. Finally at the 4th month I said NO....She threatened to tell my wife if I did not come to her house the following week and have sex with her. (OW knew this...sex...physical touch.... was my primary love language....yes the wife knows and has known this for decades and she refuses to speak to me in any form). Knowing how unhappy I was with myself, I called the wife and told her. The OW did not know I did that. So that day I told her too. She said what she did was a bluff and thought I was bluffing too but angry enough she called the wife to find out. this is what I describe much earlier in this thread "it got ugly".

 

So there you have it folks...what went down....Thank you for your understanding and not being judgmental.

 

Do I blame the OW for her actions....well, no more than my own. One cannot throw rocks at her anymore than me. We all act like crap when things don't go our way.

 

I think I got a clear consensus that I need to get a D...The longer I go on, the more I think so too. It is apparent no matter what I do, the inability to forgive is there. It always comes up in every argument and situation. At this point it is just plain foolish to keep throwing that grenade. I think most people are correct, its just the OW is just the last good memories and that is why my mind drifts there.

[donbar]

I totally get it Ray. Sounds like you did everything possible for your marriage after DD. If your wife refuses to move on, you should.

[lftbehind]

It is complicated as to why she told her without really getting into details but the reason was told to me was that I would not spend time with her. For reasons I can not detail here as to implicate my specific situation and I prefer that anonymous nature of this forum. But in all honestly I knew my subconscious could no longer keep lying to my soul's morals even though my heart loved where it was with the OW. I stopped seeing the the OW about 4 months prior to D-Day on a regular basis. Meaning, I saw her 2 other times for just a few minutes to iterate to her I needed to get a divorce before continuing. I did not have any email or calls or IM's contact during this time. 2 months would go by and she would begin her calling me begging to see me. I obliged for a quick roadside meeting to tell her. I needed to stop seeing her till I got a D. Her love/obsession/desire/want (only she can answer that) kept pressuring me to see her. Finally at the 4th month I said NO....She threatened to tell my wife if I did not come to her house the following week and have sex with her. (OW knew this...sex...physical touch.... was my primary love language....yes the wife knows and has known this for decades and she refuses to speak to me in any form). Knowing how unhappy I was with myself, I called the wife and told her. The OW did not know I did that. So that day I told her too. She said what she did was a bluff and thought I was bluffing too but angry enough she called the wife to find out. this is what I describe much earlier in this thread "it got ugly".

 

So there you have it folks...what went down....Thank you for your understanding and not being judgmental.

 

Do I blame the OW for her actions....well, no more than my own. One cannot throw rocks at her anymore than me. We all act like crap when things don't go our way.

 

I think I got a clear consensus that I need to get a D...The longer I go on, the more I think so too. It is apparent no matter what I do, the inability to forgive is there. It always comes up in every argument and situation. At this point it is just plain foolish to keep throwing that grenade. I think most people are correct, its just the OW is just the last good memories and that is why my mind drifts there.

 

It's too bad that things happened they way that they did with your DD. I think that the OW should have let you decide if and when you wanted to tell your W about the A. I would think that it would be hard to trust someone who would blow up your world like that. It's good that you wanted to get a D, before you continued seeing OW. You were trying to do the right thing.

 

I think you'll know when and if you need to get a D. It's sounds like neither you or your W are happy. Hope that you two can work it out one way or another, so you're both happy.

[BTDT2012]

It is complicated as to why she told her without really getting into details but the reason was told to me was that I would not spend time with her. For reasons I can not detail here as to implicate my specific situation and I prefer that anonymous nature of this forum. But in all honestly I knew my subconscious could no longer keep lying to my soul's morals even though my heart loved where it was with the OW. I stopped seeing the the OW about 4 months prior to D-Day on a regular basis. Meaning, I saw her 2 other times for just a few minutes to iterate to her I needed to get a divorce before continuing. I did not have any email or calls or IM's contact during this time. 2 months would go by and she would begin her calling me begging to see me. I obliged for a quick roadside meeting to tell her. I needed to stop seeing her till I got a D. Her love/obsession/desire/want (only she can answer that) kept pressuring me to see her. Finally at the 4th month I said NO....She threatened to tell my wife if I did not come to her house the following week and have sex with her. (OW knew this...sex...physical touch.... was my primary love language....yes the wife knows and has known this for decades and she refuses to speak to me in any form). Knowing how unhappy I was with myself, I called the wife and told her. The OW did not know I did that. So that day I told her too. She said what she did was a bluff and thought I was bluffing too but angry enough she called the wife to find out. this is what I describe much earlier in this thread "it got ugly".

 

So there you have it folks...what went down....Thank you for your understanding and not being judgmental.

 

Do I blame the OW for her actions....well, no more than my own. One cannot throw rocks at her anymore than me. We all act like crap when things don't go our way.

 

I think I got a clear consensus that I need to get a D...The longer I go on, the more I think so too. It is apparent no matter what I do, the inability to forgive is there. It always comes up in every argument and situation. At this point it is just plain foolish to keep throwing that grenade. I think most people are correct, its just the OW is just the last good memories and that is why my mind drifts there.

Unless both you and your wife are trusting God, and working on reconciling, it will never work. From what you have written, it seems like you tried to do the right thing, but you don't really and truly love your wife. If she can't/won't forgive, and you don't love her, set her free. And don't go looking for your AP. If she truly loved you, she would have left you alone to work out your life.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

Unless both you and your wife are trusting God, and working on reconciling, it will never work. From what you have written, it seems like you tried to do the right thing, but you don't really and truly love your wife. If she can't/won't forgive, and you don't love her, set her free. And don't go looking for your AP. If she truly loved you, she would have left you alone to work out your life.

 

Thanks, I have tried to do the right thing. Perhaps you are right on the OW. But then, we all make mistakes out of passion even if the passion is negative. I am not making excuses for her, I am just being real. Loving someone brings the best and worst in people. No one makes perfectly guided textbook decisions when you feel your world is falling apart, regardless of which side of the fence you are on. In my circle of life, there are no angels or perfect people. It does not make it right what they did or what I did. But it is what it is. I guess now I need to decide whether to keep the marriage or leave.

[minimariah]

If what is in your heart is the only thing that matters, then we pull out of all countries and wars would cease to exist....

 

sweets.

 

when it comes to a romantic relationship (marriage) - then THE ONLY thing that matters is what is in your heart. folks feel when the love and affection are forced. and it's an ugly feeling. and while i'm sure you did everything you could and while i recognize your efforts - it means nothing, i'm sorry. that's just the harsh truth - it means absolutely nothing because your heart wasn't in it. as long as you feel for the other person, you cannot even begin to work on your marriage... that's why a lot of marriages fall apart.

 

look. divorce. it's done, stop beating the dead horse. work on your relationship with the wife instead and prepare everything for a good and dramafree process. keep the OW away from your family as long as you're all settled, she isn't your priority now - your kids and the amicable relationship with the wife are. settle the custody, talk it out and move on. THEN think about the OW.

 

you're wasting everybody's time and it's getting ridiculous. your marriage didn't work out. it happens. time to admit it to yourself.