Still in love with [OW]

[HeartbrokenDec29]

Ray, I'm going to have to call bull on the everything part. In one paragraph you say not a day has gone by that you don't think about the OW. Than you say you've done everything to help your wife heal. It's conflicting idology, you can't travel east and west at the same time.

 

Another thing, does this people who tell you your wife is unforgiving know the whole story? Do they know you still desire the other woman? That you think about her every day?

 

Come on man, you know your efforts haven't been authentic, you know you haven't been honest.

 

Wayward behavior goes past sex and contact, you've never left the affair. One thing I say alot here is just because the betrayed spouses don't know, it doesn't mean they can't feel something is off.

I beg to differ on this. Ray has done everything he can including not contacting the other woman for Good 5 years. Cut him some slack!

 

Now to say he still has feelings for her and to be judged by that is completely out of this world.

 

He has absolutely no reason to cheat but hey hes human and has emotions and just cos hes married does not mean he cant have affection for someone else. What will be totally unfair is if he contacts the other woman again with the intention of being in her life without fully ending the marriage he says isnt working out. Meaning, acting on those emotions will be unfair to his wife.

 

@Ray, i think you should really ask yourself what you want and take necessary "Healthy and responsible actions" and stick with it. No one can ever answer this for you.

 

if you love your wife and her inability of fully forgiving you and constantly making you accountable for your actions five years ago makes the marriage dreadful., i think you should communicate this to her. Also, it could be that she loves you so much and sometimes some people can find it so hard to forgive someone they loved so deeply. Because they hold these people in high regard. Communcate with your wife. You wooed her once before. You should know how to get her mushy side out

 

If you still love the affair partner and you are not willing to get a divorce. Please stay out of her life. You will only be acting selfish if you chose to contact her and start and affair.

[BTDT2012]

Thanks, I have tried to do the right thing. Perhaps you are right on the OW. But then, we all make mistakes out of passion even if the passion is negative. I am not making excuses for her, I am just being real. Loving someone brings the best and worst in people. No one makes perfectly guided textbook decisions when you feel your world is falling apart, regardless of which side of the fence you are on. In my circle of life, there are no angels or perfect people. It does not make it right what they did or what I did. But it is what it is. I guess now I need to decide whether to keep the marriage or leave.

Please have an honest conversation with your wife.

[misspalmy]

I think you choose the wrong woman if your still thinking of her 5 years down the truck, if you really do love her tell your wife caring for someone is not love, but dont track the ow down leave her be. she pro move on.

[Rea]

I just have one question. The part i bolded.....says it was ugly...she threatened to tell your wife and you have not spoken to her since that day.

 

On that day....when she threatened you....when she was willing to destroy you....when she got very ugly and did not care who she hurt....you...your wife...your kids. She was willling to blow up your entire world......

 

on that day...did you love her?i mean did you look at her with love in your eyes and love in your heart?

 

and in the 5 years past that day...when you beat her to it and told your wife and blew up your wife's world....did you do everything you could to make your wife feel safe again? Have you put her needs before your own? Have you done everything you could to heal your relationship? Have you become transparent and set strict boundaries and read books? Did you treat her as a business partner rather than a lover? Did you treat her like you once treated your other woman?

 

have you resented every single day you have spent with her becasue you wanted to be somewhere else?

 

Do you still love the person your other woman was during your affair...but do you also realize that she is capable of being ugly and mean? Becasue if you love her...you have to love the ugly parts of her too.

 

Now...did you ever love your wife? and do you love her on her ugly days? Do you love her in spite of the woman she has become because of what you did to her?

 

Love is a funny thing....it isn't all beautiful all of the time.

 

My guess is...you haven't been very lovable either.

 

It makes me sad...that the two of you have been together these past 5 years and have been so unhappy.

 

I dont know what you are looking for....none of us has a magic potion to heal your relationship...

 

but i do question what you still love abput the other woman...becasue sometimes we love a memory that we have created in our own mind and it isn't true.

 

She was willing to have an affair with a married man who had a family...that was your first clue that perhaps she is not the magnificent woman you have made her out to be in your mind.

 

I wish you luck and peace.....

 

I was an OW who also threatened MM with telling all. I had reached my fill with push/pull. I had reached full capacity with his indecision and I shamefully threatened this. It was all I could do to create real distance between us and I succeeded in doing so. He took a stock check and I got the space I needed to grieve the relationship that had developed between us. It gave me room to grieve the future I wanted with him that I knew I would never have. There is only so long one can ride along in the affair bubble before it bursts and one of you, usually the OP I believe, wants more and rightly so.

 

I expect your former OW reached her breaking point too. If she didn't and she threatened to kiss and tell for the heck of it, then I'm really not sure what kind of person you are hankering after. My bets are on her having enough and using that threat to put an end to the romantising. I expect it was killing her and telling the wife was the only card she could play to create distance and save herself from drowning in heartbreak.

 

If she has refrained from contacting you in 5 years, my guess is that she does not need contact with you anymore. She road the NC train to the bitter end and has moved on with her life (let's hope).

 

My xMM and I were unable to refrain from contact, despite my threats to tell all. He knew I was hurting like hell. He also claimed he was hurting like hell. He gave me his W's number and said call her, what will be will be. In truth, I never had any intention of calling her, but I did check out the number to make sure it was honestly hers...and it was.??

 

I do still keep in touch with xMM, no romancing in a year, but general catch ups and never in person. I do believe him when he says that ours is the most honest relationship he has ever had in his life. I also tell him how sad that is to have invested 30+ years of life with someone and to not feel such an emotional connection, but also how he has taken the opportunity away from his W to truly find someone to be happy with. But then I think; she has chosen to stay with him regardless of all the times he has cheated on her.

 

Do the honourable thing by your wife. Either tell her that you have not moved on since the affair and you cannot get OW out of your mind so you must end your marriage, or truly indulge in finding what it is that's missing from your M that your W is not fulfilling, she is 50% of the M and if she wants you both to remain in the M she needs to realise you both need to work together to save it or it's game over!

 

I wish you both happiness, whatever the outcome. This is not an enviable situation to be in and I know you have not come here to be berated.

 

Best wishes.

[Rea]

I was an OW who also threatened MM with telling all. I had reached my fill with push/pull. I had reached full capacity with his indecision and I shamefully threatened this. It was all I could do to create real distance between us and I succeeded in doing so. He took a stock check and I got the space I needed to grieve the relationship that had developed between us. It gave me room to grieve the future I wanted with him that I knew I would never have. There is only so long one can ride along in the affair bubble before it bursts and one of you, usually the OP I believe, wants more and rightly so.

 

I expect your former OW reached her breaking point too. If she didn't and she threatened to kiss and tell for the heck of it, then I'm really not sure what kind of person you are hankering after. My bets are on her having enough and using that threat to put an end to the romantising. I expect it was killing her and telling the wife was the only card she could play to create distance and save herself from drowning in heartbreak.

 

If she has refrained from contacting you in 5 years, my guess is that she does not need contact with you anymore. She road the NC train to the bitter end and has moved on with her life (let's hope).

 

My xMM and I were unable to refrain from contact, despite my threats to tell all. He knew I was hurting like hell. He also claimed he was hurting like hell. He gave me his W's number and said call her, what will be will be. In truth, I never had any intention of calling her, but I did check out the number to make sure it was honestly hers...and it was.??

 

I do still keep in touch with xMM, no romancing in a year, but general catch ups and never in person. I do believe him when he says that ours is the most honest relationship he has ever had in his life. I also tell him how sad that is to have invested 30+ years of life with someone and to not feel such an emotional connection, but also how he has taken the opportunity away from his W to truly find someone to be happy with. But then I think; she has chosen to stay with him regardless of all the times he has cheated on her.

 

Do the honourable thing by your wife. Either tell her that you have not moved on since the affair and you cannot get OW out of your mind so you must end your marriage, or truly indulge in finding what it is that's missing from your M that your W is not fulfilling, she is 50% of the M and if she wants you both to remain in the M she needs to realise you both need to work together to save it or it's game over!

 

I wish you both happiness, whatever the outcome. This is not an enviable situation to be in and I know you have not come here to be berated.

 

Best wishes.

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Just realised I am playing catch up! ?

[Rea]

I just have one question. The part i bolded.....says it was ugly...she threatened to tell your wife and you have not spoken to her since that day.

 

On that day....when she threatened you....when she was willing to destroy you....when she got very ugly and did not care who she hurt....you...your wife...your kids. She was willling to blow up your entire world......

 

on that day...did you love her?i mean did you look at her with love in your eyes and love in your heart?

 

and in the 5 years past that day...when you beat her to it and told your wife and blew up your wife's world....did you do everything you could to make your wife feel safe again? Have you put her needs before your own? Have you done everything you could to heal your relationship? Have you become transparent and set strict boundaries and read books? Did you treat her as a business partner rather than a lover? Did you treat her like you once treated your other woman?

 

have you resented every single day you have spent with her becasue you wanted to be somewhere else?

 

Do you still love the person your other woman was during your affair...but do you also realize that she is capable of being ugly and mean? Becasue if you love her...you have to love the ugly parts of her too.

 

Now...did you ever love your wife? and do you love her on her ugly days? Do you love her in spite of the woman she has become because of what you did to her?

 

Love is a funny thing....it isn't all beautiful all of the time.

 

My guess is...you haven't been very lovable either.

 

It makes me sad...that the two of you have been together these past 5 years and have been so unhappy.

 

I dont know what you are looking for....none of us has a magic potion to heal your relationship...

 

but i do question what you still love abput the other woman...becasue sometimes we love a memory that we have created in our own mind and it isn't true.

 

She was willing to have an affair with a married man who had a family...that was your first clue that perhaps she is not the magnificent woman you have made her out to be in your mind.

 

I wish you luck and peace.....

 

I was an OW who also threatened MM with telling all. I had reached my fill with push/pull. I had reached full capacity with his indecision and I shamefully threatened this. It was all I could do to create real distance between us and I succeeded in doing so. He took a stock check and I got the space I needed to grieve the relationship that had developed between us. It gave me room to grieve the future I wanted with him that I knew I would never have. There is only so long one can ride along in the affair bubble before it bursts and one of you, usually the OP I believe, wants more and rightly so.

 

I expect your former OW reached her breaking point too. If she didn't and she threatened to kiss and tell for the heck of it, then I'm really not sure what kind of person you are hankering after. My bets are on her having enough and using that threat to put an end to the romantising. I expect it was killing her and telling the wife was the only card she could play to create distance and save herself from drowning in heartbreak.

 

If she has refrained from contacting you in 5 years, my guess is that she does not need contact with you anymore. She road the NC train to the bitter end and has moved on with her life (let's hope).

 

My xMM and I were unable to refrain from contact, despite my threats to tell all. He knew I was hurting like hell. He also claimed he was hurting like hell. He gave me his W's number and said call her, what will be will be. In truth, I never had any intention of calling her, but I did check out the number to make sure it was honestly hers...and it was.??

 

I do still keep in touch with xMM, no romancing in a year, but general catch ups and never in person. I do believe him when he says that ours is the most honest relationship he has ever had in his life. I also tell him how sad that is to have invested 30+ years of life with someone and to not feel such an emotional connection, but also how he has taken the opportunity away from his W to truly find someone to be happy with. But then I think; she has chosen to stay with him regardless of all the times he has cheated on her.

 

Do the honourable thing by your wife. Either tell her that you have not moved on since the affair and you cannot get OW out of your mind so you must end your marriage, or truly indulge in finding what it is that's missing from your M that your W is not fulfilling, she is 50% of the M and if she wants you both to remain in the M she needs to realise you both need to work together to save it or it's game over!

 

I wish you both happiness, whatever the outcome. This is not an enviable situation to be in and I know you have not come here to be berated.

 

Best wishes.

[Southwardbound]

"I also tell him how sad that is to have invested 30+ years of life with someone and to not feel such an emotional connection, but also how he has taken the opportunity away from his W to truly find someone to be happy with. But then I think; she has chosen to stay with him regardless of all the times he has cheated on her."

 

Well stated - But, That is what I do not get about MM how they can just settle for a married relationship in which they are not truly happy. Nor, give their W a chance to find happiness either. I guess some individuals just lack self-confidence in themselves, so that is why they just settle? -instead of trying to find a more perfect fit for themselves.

 

I can see doing it maybe for a little while until the kids are 18. But even then, kids are resilient and they will overcome divorce situation well, if parents make the effort to be supportative.

[ladydesigner]

Not a day goes by where I don't think of the OW. Almost 5 years later, she is in my heart still, no matter how much I have shut her out (and I have).

 

Is this true love to last this long? This is not a few months later after D-Day, this has been years......

 

This is the problem and no wonder your wife still feels the way she does. I was the same way you know why...

 

1. My WH was still having his A with the OW and probably feelings too.

 

You cannot heal a M when you have feelings for another person, it just isn't possible. I feel sorry for your wife, I hope she like me finds the power to love herself so much that the M isn't that big of a concern to her anymore!