It's been a little over a year

[sunshinegoals]

and I keep having setbacks. I've lurked on here for a while but haven't posted anything yet.

 

Let me begin. I do not plan to leave my husband. We have committed to each other and he is holding up to his end of the bargain. He is open to talking whenever I need, remorseful, and has really recommitted to our marriage.

 

Yet, I'm stuck. I got pregnant (surprisingly since we didn't think I could) about two months after everything came to a head. I think I put everything on hold because I really couldn't handle it. I would have insecurities and he would work through it with me, reassuring me. I have access to his social media, he has freely offered this.

 

Our new LO is now a few months old and I find myself still struggling. I struggle to ask questions, I've noticed some anger flaring, and flashbacks have started again.

 

My husband is bisexual, that was also something that I really came to accept last year. He did not figure this out via this experience. He's known for quite some time.So there are layers that I am working through in this whole thing. He did cheat with a male. He said that in his mind it was easier to justify because it was something that I couldn't offer him. He is right. I won't ever be able to offer that. He has said that he knows that it is absolutely not acceptable as an excuse because if he were heterosexual, it would be unacceptable to cheat as well. (As an aside, I will not tolerate negative comments about this. I have accepted and affirmed who he is.) His behavior was not ok, and not within the bounds of our accepted relationship. So wrapped up in all of this is also my insecurity that I am enough.

 

I guess in all of the rambling, I wonder when does this start to fade as far as the flashbacks, the insecurity, etc. I can't ask him to do much more. As I mentioned he is attentive, supportive, and our relationship has been stronger than it has been in a long time. But I have times where it is all I can think of. I have not told a soul, so it also feels nice to have a forum to air some of this out.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The simple answer to your question is never. The reality of infidelity is that you live with it forever.

 

You never forget...and triggers happen forever...but they do become less annoying. They become shorter and less intense.

 

However...this is not going to happen until you address all of the issues plagueing you.

 

You have so much on your plate and my heart just breaks for you.

 

I hope you are both in therapy and please read if you have not...how to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macdonald. Make sure you both read it and talk about it. It really is quite helpful.

 

You have LOTS of talking to do.

 

He needs to become transparent...he needs to set very strict boundaries...and he needs to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe....especially since you are also carrying his baby.

 

It takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair...but you never "get over it". You learn how to deal with it....and your life can be good again.....especially in your case where you have a new life coming.

[sunshinegoals]

Thank you.

 

I am not pregnant anymore. We had our baby a couple of months ago. So I do have some extra hormones kicking in as well.

 

We have set up some very strict boundaries, which he is following to the absolute best of my knowledge. In addition to the boundaries we worked out, I have full access to his technology and social media. I am sure there are ways he could continue to hide it, but his behavior doesn't indicate that he is.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you.

 

I am not pregnant anymore. We had our baby a couple of months ago. So I do have some extra hormones kicking in as well.

 

We have set up some very strict boundaries, which he is following to the absolute best of my knowledge. In addition to the boundaries we worked out, I have full access to his technology and social media. I am sure there are ways he could continue to hide it, but his behavior doesn't indicate that he is.

 

well congratulations!!! and yes...your hormones in addition to everything else is crazy.

 

If he is doing everything you ask of him...there is nothing more he can do. It just takes time....keep working together....you will get there.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Sunshine, I am sorry I have'nt read any previous thread that you may have written. From what you have offered here I can only endorse what Mrs. John Adams has said. I want to ask you if you have been for any individual counselling sessions? If you have'nt then maybe now is the time to try it as that would help you resolve issues that seem to be plaguing you. I do not know your religious beliefs but irrespective, if you turn to your spiritual side ( through meditation) you may help yourself to heal. It is said that forgiving the person who has caused you hurt helps you to let go of resentments and pain which, otherwise are held onto by one's subconscious mind. Forgiving the other person is actually an act kindness for healing one's own self and is not really a favour one extends to the other person. We probably resist forgiving the other person because we feel that they do not deserve it. The fact is whether the other person deserves it or not, the act of forgiving is a favour one does for one's self.

 

It may become easier to forgive someone( spouse) if one is divorcing him/ her because then you do not have to deal with that person on an everyday basis. However, if one is reconciling with one's spouse and is fully committed to it then forgiving may become more difficult because one has to continue to live with the other on a day to day basis and there will be many occasions when there will be triggers. As such, if you have decided to reconcile and are fully committed to it, you will have to seek out your spiritual side and find healing there and also the Grace to be able to forgive your husband for his transgressions so that you can set yourself free from the pain that constantly lingers in the background and causes resentment, triggers, flash backs and bouts of anger at having been betrayed. Warm wishes.