climatic problems

[Lilfun]

I am a woman in my 20's. I have never had an orgasm with a guy. And with only a vibrator on my clitoris. I don't tell the guys when I'm with them about this cause the two times I did made us breakup cause they could't satisfy me. I also feel very shy when it comes to a guy eating me out cause I was molested when I was little. I'd feel very uneasy talking about this stuff to the guy too. Is there anything I can do to make myself more confident or open about it to talk to the guy I'm with now? I don't want to lose him over him not pleasing me. I don't mind giving him sex (it's a little turn on) as long as once in a while I play with my vibrator in secret. Any ideas?

[Tony T]

First, there is an excellent possibility that you have never achieved orgasm with a man because of psychological links in your mind with the molestation you experienced when you were young. You may need psychological counselling to deprogram the neuro-associations you have programed into yourself that prevents you from achieving orgasm through normal sex.

 

Since this is a recurring problem, it is not likely that anything you may say to your guy will help him give you an orgasm. Absent some sort of masterful contortions on his part, I don't see how he could possibly compete with a vibrator.

 

You should be able to be open with any man you date. But understand that if he feels he is doing his best to please you and it's not working, such a talk is not likely to be useful. But feel free to be open. Only a very mature man will understand fully what you have to say and pledge to work with you to solve this problem.

 

Again, I think your first step is to go to a sex therapist or psychological counsellor. Orgasms are achieved in the mind, not in the genitalia.

[Ed]

If you have not already done so, you need to deal with the abuse you endured as a child. This could be a stumbling block for all your future relationships, sexual and otherwise. This may not have anything to do with the problem you are currently writing about, but you need to address it.

 

The problem you describe is, apparently, fairly common. I assure you, you can overcome it, with the proper amount of time, attention and patience from both you and your partner. If you are going to beat this, you will have to become vulnerable and risk rejection (again). There is no way around it. Any guy that is not interested in honestly helping you with this is not worth having anyway.

 

I really don't know anything about this subject, but here are some suggestions that come to mind that may help. You said you can have an orgasm with the use of a vibrator. Can you have one without the vibrator? If not, work on that until you can give yourself an orgasm without one. Once you know how to do that, you will then have to show your partner how to do it. From there, try to transfer what you have learned (and taught) using body to body contact without intercourse. Then, gradually, move on to having intercourse.

 

Get your psychological house in order to make sure you have no barriers there. Find a partner you can trust and make a go at it. Keep trying until you succeed.