I ended it, but am having a hard time.

[Chin Up]

First time I've ever ended it with someone, and I'm floored at how miserable I feel! I assumed I'd do the deed, let out a big sigh of relief, then cartwheel into the sunset through a meadow of flowers, never to think of them again. *I wish!

 

Day 1-2: Relief. I've had this decision chewing in the back of my mind for months, like an angry rat. Sigh, sweet relief!

 

Day 3-5: wait, I was so busy enjoying peace of mind, it just occurred how shizzy I felt when I've been dumped. Uhoh, here comes the mother of all tsunamis of guilt, regret and sadness. My heart literally feels like it's being crushed in a vice and the gut wrenching crying(bawling) jags start. I want to hug him and tell him I'm hurting too. Tell him how much I'm going to miss him, that I'm going to be sad for a long time over this. That I love him and here it comes..the dreaded "I hope we can be friends" because even tho we can't be together romantically, I wish we could still be in each others lives, but I know better. I suddenly feel like a cruel heartless monster that just clubbed an innocent baby seal. I have knots in my stomach and am weirdly ashamed of myself for hurting someone, even though the breakup HAD to happen. Surprised to realize that being the dumper feels just as bad, and in some ways worse, for different reasons, than getting dumped. I'm in foreign territory and oddly wish I had been dumped instead cuz I'm a seasoned sailor in those waters.

 

Day 6-7(now): he's been very indifferent about the breakup. It's almost as if I said "we're out of bread". No tears, questions, begging, attempts to get back together, fights or even mention of the break up. He matter of factly mentions what's going on regarding him moving out, and we go off to our separate rooms. I softly cry into my pillow cuz I know we'll never see, or talk again, once he leaves. He puts on a movie, eats chips and laughs like nothing happened. Now I feel like I'VE been dumped.

 

Here comes the part I never understood about dumpers.. when they'd lament that "I just broke up with them and they don't seem to care!". I get it now. I tried and cried for months to make things work. Gave chance after chance, only to have each hope smashed when it was more of the same. Same issues over and over, I'm trying, they're not. All talk, no walk. Have I exhausted every avenue to salvage this relationship? Yes. Have they put in the same effort? No, in fact the most effort they've used was to say they'd change, and that's it.

 

Disappointment after disappointment, contempt, frustration, anger, disgust, pity, disillusioned, annoyed, resentment, mistrust, resigned and generally fed up, to name a few.

 

I remember all his good qualities and why I love him, but the negatives make them seem like distant memories. It's almost like I'm mourning the loss of who I thought he was, versus who he turned out to be.

 

So much effort, emotions, thoughts, tears, you name it, trying to get back to where they were the light of your life, only to realize its best to part ways. That takes another couple of months to muster up the nerve to do cuz the doubt is almost crippling, and when you finally do, they act like they've found out their regularly scheduled program will not be aired this evening. A fleeting moment of irritation and then nothing.

 

That hurts more than the break up, cuz it tells me I did the right thing, they never gave a crap, I spent way too much time and effort on someone that clearly wasn't as interested, or invested, as I was. That despite my herculean efforts, they can't even make one smidge of an attempt as the end is clearly nigh, and I'm a complete fool for feeling so much loss when it seems they're indifferent or even even perky that it's over.

 

Wow, long post, sorry lol. I know dumpers get no love and that's ok, I'm just venting that I tried and tried, only to to get the ultimate slap on the face...indifference.

 

I'm wallowing in "my room" with a box of wine and can hear him packing. This sucks

[mightycpa]

I was a dumpee once. My dumper had plenty good reason to get rid of me, but I didn't understand it at the time. I was very hurt by this, it killed me.

 

But I had my pride. I didn't fight, I didn't beg, I didn't resist. I didn't give her the satisfaction.

 

Once we parted, I never saw her again. But when we did part, she gave me a very angry look, and I was nothing but nice and cordial. I was never confident that it was because she felt like you're feeling. I could only hope for that.

 

Sometimes, I think that it's wishful thinking to believe that I hurt her. She was committed to the breakup, as you are.

 

When I read your post, it gave me some hope that I did hurt her, because that's really all I wanted. I wanted her to feel as badly as I did, and she never let on that she did.

 

He probably does feel this. And if not? What kind of ex is that? A good one.

 

That's what breakups are all about. You're going to lose him.

Edited May 17, 2017 by mightycpa

[Chin Up]

That's why I wanted to share my perspective from the other side of the fence. It suuuucks on both ends. Damned if you do, Damned if you don't!

 

This is my first time ending a relationship and as a well seasoned dumpee, I thought I'd feel how I always assumed or perceived the dumper to feel. Erroneous!

 

I can't speak for every dumper or dumpee out there, but this new perspective has shaken what I knew as a dumpee. I assumed they spent a couple of days loosely mulling it over, dropped the axe, then partied hard like nothing happened.

 

I want to shake him and scream "don't you see?! Don't you see how much I tried?! All my hopes and dreams of our future, all my efforts and plans to make them happen, all my pleas and compromises to make us last, all my let downs and dashed hopes from your deal breaking flaws, all the times I gave you another chance and you piddled it away? I tried so fkn hard it makes me sick and you act like I never even happened, or was worth a fraction of a fraction of the effort I put into you? GO KICK ROCKS!

 

I will admit I've had "a" glass of wine haha but yeah, I'm shifting from the "I'm so sorry I hurt you and I wish we could fix things" to- pound sand! You had your chances and you gave me the run around and talked a lot of crap. Have fun sitting around boohooing what a loser you are and how I'm so mean for seeing the light!"

 

I can still hear him packing. Mad as hell, but it still sucks. Weird and conflicting feelings. Want him gone but I know I'm going to cry my eyes out, not eat or sleep for a while and fight the urge to not contact him more times a day than I blink. It sounds like he's crying which surprises me but I don't think I should go out there. I don't wtf I'm doing!

[mightycpa]

Well, in fairness, as dumper, I always left the scene of the dump to go have a good time, never looked back.

 

I think that's why I never believed she got hurt. It isn't how I would have reacted. I would have been relieved by a dumpee who left the way I left. I never could figure out why she got angry, I never believed in my heart that she needed for me to hurt in order for her to feel satisfied with way the breakup went down. I thought a lot more of her than that. I'd be disappointed if that was who she was, and I think because she never expressed any emotion when she dumped me. Maybe it would have been different if she was crying and wailing while she did it. I probably would have handled it differently.

 

I don't think you ever said how you displayed your emotional state during the actual breakup. It makes a difference.

 

As dumper, you have to be sure. One's emotional reaction shouldn't be dependent upon how the newly minted ex reacts. Once the dumper drops the bomb, s/he should be prepared for either carnage, or deadly silence.

 

Sounds like you nuked your relationship, and you were hoping for the wounded to suffer before they died.

 

I'm going to add one more thought. Re-reading your original post, it sounds like you were forced into breaking up. It sounds like, had your ex made the effort you were looking for, made whatever changes you were seeking, that you would have stuck with him. If so, maybe it's time to consider that you are the dumpee, spiritually anyway. After all, what does it mean to get dumped? It means that a relationship that you'd rather not see end comes to an end, because of forces beyond your control. That the relationship ends, and you have desire for the relationship to continue. You have that, although your desire came with conditions. In your mind, his happiness can be construed as if it is his desire that the relationship end. His lack of effort says the same thing. So, in one sense, you aren't the dumper. You're the dumpee. You were forced into this.

Edited May 17, 2017 by mightycpa

[Altair0770]

My friend, who the entire time he dumped people, seemed like it never effected him what so ever. He seemed to just move on and live his day while his ex girlfriends were crying in pain.

 

I had a talk with him today. Wondered why my ex was spying on me. He finally admitted to me how heartbroken he was dumping someone.

 

What we see when we look at people may not always be what they are feeling on the inside. A random stranger wouldn't know I suffer from a mental illness. We all saw Robin Williams as a happy, cheerful guy, and he took his own life.

 

You can think what you want, but if the dumper gave any damn about the dumpee, they'll be sad.

[Chin Up]

Wow I really went on a tangent in my posts last night lol I will admit I just wanted to get drunk and vent. I have a couple friends, but the mutual friends seem to go to the dumpee, by default. I'm pegged as a big heartless monster and they've all sat around listening to his tragic tale of heartache, yet nobody is interested in my side of the story. So it goes.

 

I've been fair and kind. He was pretty mad at first, went off on me for 1.5 hours one night about all the things he hates about me, all the times I didn't or didn't do something, name calling, belittling, below the belt shots. I quietly took it.

 

I see no need for things to be nasty, or to treat him like a leper. I talk to him like normal, answer his calls/texts, treat him like I'd treat a friend, ask him if he needs something while I'm at the store. Normal people stuff lol. We're in different rooms til he moves, but I think acting like he doesn't exist, being cold to him, or making him feel like an unwanted guest in his own home is unnecessary and won't accomplish anything other than making him feel like crap, which would make me feel like crap.

 

I guess I'm putting myself in his shoes and trying to make it as painless as possible, which is kinda funny cuz he doesn't seem fazed by this, more annoyed at having to move than anything.

 

I thought I heard him crying last night which surprised me and then I felt bad so I started crying too. Turns out he was packing and the dust made his nose runny LOL.

 

1.5 weeks til we part ways. I'm looking forward to it cuz I just want to start moving on and getting over him, which is hard to do when you see each other daily, but I'm scared of how I'm going to feel when he's gone.

 

Feeling tired and resigned today. Still a bit hurt hurt that he never trie

[Chin Up]

Wow I really went on a tangent in my posts last night lol I will admit I just wanted to get drunk and vent. I have a couple friends, but the mutual friends seem to go to the dumpee, by default. I'm pegged as a big heartless monster and they've all sat around listening to his tragic tale of heartache, yet nobody is interested in my side of the story. So it goes.

 

I've been fair and kind. He was pretty mad at first, went off on me for 1.5 hours one night about all the things he hates about me, all the times I did or didn't do something, name calling, belittling, below the belt shots. I quietly took it.

 

I see no need for things to be nasty, or to treat him like a leper. I talk to him like normal, answer his calls/texts, treat him like I'd treat a friend, ask him if he needs something while I'm at the store. Normal people stuff lol. We're in different rooms til he moves, but I think acting like he doesn't exist, being cold to him, or making him feel like an unwanted guest in his own home is unnecessary and won't accomplish anything other than making him feel like crap, which would make me feel like crap.

 

I guess I'm putting myself in his shoes and trying to make it as painless as possible, which is kinda funny cuz he doesn't seem fazed by this, more annoyed at having to move than anything.

 

I thought I heard him crying last night which surprised me and then I felt bad so I started crying too. Turns out he was packing and the dust made his nose runny LOL.

 

1.5 weeks til we part ways. I'm looking forward to it cuz I just want to start moving on and getting over him, which is hard to do when you see each other daily, but I'm scared of how I'm going to feel when he's gone.

 

It feels like a sick joke that even tho I'm the one who ended it, I'm more upset than he is. Only made worse by how he seems annoyed at having to move, but happy-go-lucky about parting ways and being single. I guess I, and the relationship weren't that important to him (also stings), so I'm doing us both a favor.

 

I'm starting to think I'm just a big baby and don't take breakups very well, whatever side I'm on.

 

He didn't come home one night on the weekend. He smelled like perfume and went straight to the shower, so I'm pretty sure he spent the night with with someone. I didn't say anything. What can I say? "Hey! I broke up with you, but I'm mad and hurt you slept with someone, how dare you!" lol

 

I knew he was going to eventually, but didn't think he'd do it right out of the gate, and while we still occupied the same roof. Alls fair in love and war, I guess.

 

Feeling pretty defeated and deflated today. I wish he was already moved out so I could cry and wail and start moving on, but I'm hurting pretty bad that's he's going, and the day he moves, is the last time I'll see him. It's pretty stupid and I don't understand it, but it bothers me that I care so much still and he doesn't. It's a pretty big sign I did the right thing, but it doesn't hurt any less.

[CptCodi]

My girlfriend of 4 and half years recently broke things off with me.

 

It started out as she couldn't figured out how to tell me, then it moved into she actually did it.

A week later we're talking about everything and she's sobbing into my arms like she doesn't want to lose me, giving me hope we're going to get through this.

A few weeks go by and she posts a picture of her kissing another man. I called her out in person for it and she basically told me she lied to me to get me to stop trying to hard to get her, even though I wasn't trying that hard.

Last Friday I went over to her house to tell her she's the love of my life and I would do anything for her, even if that meant letting her go to be happy with someone else. She says she doesn't love me anymore and she thinks we're on two different chapters with what we want in life and a relationship. Makes me wonder, she lied to me the first time, maybe she's lying to me again about not loving me anymore?

 

 

It was nice to read your side of the story OP. I thought there was a lot of hope for me but as time goes on it seems to get more grim. Partly my fault, I shouldn't have shown up to her house to "talk".

 

I know you don't know all of the details, but seeing as you just dumped someone, if you gave it time to heal and breathe, do you think your feelings with change? I mean, if I gave my ex a good time with no contact, do you think she might tell me she loves me and just say she was lying or said it because she was hurting?? I'm being a hopeless romantic and praying for that to be true.

[Chin Up]

Hit enter too soon, mods plz delete unfinished post.

[Chin Up]

CptCodi, I'm not sure what she's doing. She might be saying things thinking it's letting you down gently, or making it less painful, or she might not know what she's feeling, herself.

 

In my case, I haven't put up a big display of being a hard a$$, life's so great and I'm partying my new single life up for all to see, life's so better now that's he gone etc etc.

 

He knows I love him and I don't act otherwise. I come home, do normal home stuff, watch tv, dinner, laundry. Cry in my room and wonder if he's acting like he doesn't care, or if he just really doesn't care. Wonder if I'm making the right decision, but leading up to, and even now, faced with the consequences, he didn't make any effort to fix the problems. feel like I'm going to throw up on myself cuz I get so upset and stressed over this. I'm not living the care free high life I always assumed dumpers ran off and did.

 

I'm not sure about my feelings changing with NC. It's situational stuff, ya know? If we split cuz we fought too much, then maybe, cuz a break from the drama might be all I need. But in my case, I ended it cuz he never put any effort into the relationship, or too much effort into the wrong things. When he leaves, I'm pretty sure I'll never hear from him again, and that hurts like hell cuz it just confirms that he didn't really care all that much.

 

But, it's a blessing in disguise because I don't think I could handle distressed texts and calls from him. I'd probably take him back out of guilt, which is a terrible reason, and we'd end up going through this again because nothing had changed. I'd also take him back because I love him and don't want things to end, and I'm going to miss him like hell, but again, same problems.

 

Cry now or cry later. I might as well get this over with now, or it will drag to the point where I can't stand him, I never want to see his face again, and to gtfo and never contact me again. I don't want it to get that ugly, but it sure would make things easier for myself.

[SevenCity]

I don't think your situation is the norm. Most guys, including myself, were not given a chance to make things better.

 

The dumper makes a decision, comes to terms with it, then informs the dumpee.

 

That's the story I've experienced and read about again and again on here mostly from guys being dumped.

 

My ex left me after 7 years and never gave me a valid reason. It sucks but nothing I can do. I agree that it can be easier to be the dumpee because everything about the RL is out of your control. However, I would much rather be doing the dumping as, 9 months later, she is still on my mind everyday.

 

I've moved on and had other RLs and am having one now but there is still some pain there. The good news is I can do nothing about it so no decisions are required.

 

As a dumper you can always have the doubt if you made the right decision. Stories here make me feel they usually do once it's too late.

[Bromeo]

I don't think your situation is the norm. Most guys, including myself, were not given a chance to make things better.

 

The dumper makes a decision, comes to terms with it, then informs the dumpee.

 

That's the story I've experienced and read about again and again on here mostly from guys being dumped.

 

My ex left me after 7 years and never gave me a valid reason. It sucks but nothing I can do. I agree that it can be easier to be the dumpee because everything about the RL is out of your control. However, I would much rather be doing the dumping as, 9 months later, she is still on my mind everyday.

 

I've moved on and had other RLs and am having one now but there is still some pain there. The good news is I can do nothing about it so no decisions are required.

 

As a dumper you can always have the doubt if you made the right decision. Stories here make me feel they usually do once it's too late.

 

As the dumpee, you have to take a hard line stance. I firmly believe my ex, whose post-breakup push-pull behavior was very confusing and awful, didn't, and continues to not feel a thing for me. The analysis being unless you actively work to heal and push them out, you will suffer for a very long time, and maintain hope. Hope will keep you hurting indefinitely.

 

I've also found and corroborated that breakups later in life, mid to late 30s are different and much more painful for, at least empirically, in my circle of guys. Additionally, I know it'll be a long while before I'm ready to invest in another person.

 

What a pleasant fantasy deeply communicating with your loving partner is. lol

[Chin Up]

Hey guys, thought I'd check in since feeling a bit crummy.

 

He's found a place, signed the lease, got the keys and will be moving out this upcoming weekend. A part of me is relieved because it's hard to move on when you still live with the person, and part of me gutted cuz I do love him, and I think it's just so sad it came to this.

 

Lots of confusing and conflicting feelings, depending on what's rolling around in my head. If it's the bad stuff, I wish I could just toss his stuff out the window and be done with him. The good stuff, I sob into my pillow so he can't hear me, grieving the death of a relationship, and the loss of someone I never wanted to lose, but their flaws and inability to change (or even try) forced me to come out swinging and left me no choice but KO the relationship.

 

For the most part I treat him like I always do, minus relationship/romantic stuff (no touching, pet names or terms of endearment, peeing with the door closed LOL, broken up ppl stuff) but I still treat him like a person, not an enemy. If I'm cooking dinner I ask if he'd like some, I txt him from the store to see if he needs anything, if I'm doing laundry, his gets done too. We're broken up, but still under the same roof. I don't see how the "every man for himself" attitude benefits anyone while still cohabiting.

 

Idkwtf I'm doing tho and I worry its sending mixed messages. I will confess to 2 occasions where I felt really sad and upset about it all. He was on the couch and I curled into a little ball beside him, cuddling him and crying. He was stiff as a board and weirded out. Must think I'm nuts since I ended it, but I know once he leaves, I'll have to ignore any and all of his contact. Tonight, we went to a movie and a dinner at my request. Again, I know it's the last weekend before he moves out and just wanted to have one last "nice time out" with him. I realize now he might take those actions as me having doubts, wanting back together, or playing games with him.

 

Damned if I do, Damned if I dont.

 

Should I continue with being kind, fair and understanding, or should I be doing the cliche ex stuff..cold, distant and indifferent. I feel like no matter what I do, it's the wrong thing. How would you like to be treated for the last week of living together before the final "g'bye"?

[SpecialJ]

It sounds like your situation is one in which it was a "forced dump." You love him, communicated about issues, and he wouldn't put in enough effort to meet halfway. So you're doing what's best for yourself-- you don't want to lose him but why keep banging your head against the wall? That's why you're sad now. You cared, and it wasn't such a bad relationship that you could run away screaming in relief without looking back.

 

But later on, maybe much later, you're going to be able to hold your head up high knowing you did all you could and didn't let it go without a fight, and had enough self respect to walk away when he couldn't do the same.

 

The situations where the dumper just walks away, I think that only happens if the relationship was with someone with a lot of problems or if the dumper was incredibly immature and didn't communicate (so the dumpee feels blindsided and the dumper skips away, at least in the short term). I usually get dumped and take it hard, and I've only ended one long term relationship (so many chances, he wasn't ready to grow up, but we were young and I didn't look back though I felt sad he was crushed -- it was tempered by my knowing it was absolutely the best decision for both of us). But when I get dumped, what makes me take it the hardest is when the dumper didn't communicate or try, and this has happened to me a lot. It's made me realize I'm dating really immature man-children, and I need to improve my filter for that.

 

So kudos to you for feeling and caring and not being immature about it. Give yourself some time, but you'll feel more clarity either way a bit after he moves out.

 

To answer your most recent question, you can be nice but still firm on boundaries. No need to reward him with your affection, though, if he isn't changing. And he won't even think about changing until he really starts feeling your loss. But don't lead him on now... you can be nice while sticking to platonic boundaries, without movies and dinner.

Edited May 22, 2017 by SpecialJ

[Chin Up]

Not sure what's changed, but the closer it gets to him moving out (this weekend) the more annoyed and impatient I get. I know it's because I'm excited this will finally be over and I can start getting past all this.

 

Feels weird since just the other day I was still feeling a bit crappy about things, but yesterday and today, I get a bit giddy that he will be gone soon. I feel a bit guilty for feeling that way about someone exiting my life for good, but I put up with a lot of his crap and I'm really looking forward to a life where I'm not having to worry or deal with his problems anymore. I did my best, my best wasn't good enough, but that's ok cuz I at least tried. He's going to move out and keep on doing more of the same.

 

I was worried I'd have a hard time with NC, but now, I'm confident it's going to be a breeze. I have no interest in talking to him ever again. I used to have hope this would smarten him up, or he'd work on himself after we split and maybe get back together. Not anymore. He's still pulling his crap just days before he moves. I'm feeling really proud of myself now, to have had the strength to end things cuz I have a habit of putting others before me. Go me!

[marie25]

I do know what you are going through. I am a dumper - and I dumped my ex a few weeks ago. I was finally starting to wake up and not feel like ****, finally started feeling happy again and having full "good" days, and then my ex contacts me.

 

I broke things with my ex because there was another woman involved that he had at one point left me for her (for a very short time, before realizing I was the one he wanted - but the damage was done and it kept getting more damaged the more she was involved). He never cheated or even had sex with her, but he kept meeting up with her behind my back - and even if it was to hangout, he still liked her and it was the last straw. I was so sad to move on because things were finally going great between us before I found out that he was still talking to her and meeting up with her.

 

Now, fast forward to him contacting me post-3 weeks of NC, he tells me he thinks about me every day, he hasn't talked to the girl since, he loves me so so much and just wants to make me happy. Things have been very messy because I was already starting to move on and there is too much messy-ness between us for me to see it as being worth it to go back to. But now he is a changed man, mature and wanting to make me happy. Whyyy couldn't he have been a changed man a month ago when I was still crying over him??

 

I feel you OP. Its difficult being a dumper, and when you truly love someone its so difficult to let them go when they still love you. Time definitely heals, just like being a dumpee. NC and time. Thats all we can go for.

[SpecialJ]

Marie, 3 weeks isn't enough time for anyone to really change. Maybe he realizes he was wrong, but I assure you he has not matured into a new person in such a short amount of time.

[jorgeg3d]

What I've learned is, time doesn't heal. You have to heal yourself. You have to put in the effort to forget them and to think of the negative things in them in order to forget them.

 

Also, dating helps, it helps a lot. Start dating people, doesn't mean you should sleep with everyone, in fact make your intentions clear, start off as friends first, you never know, you might find the next love of your life.

[Chin Up]

Past few nights have been super crappy, so I thought I'd update to distract myself and get some insight/advice.

 

Broke up early may, everything was civil (we watched movies, ate together, the usual sitting at home activities) he moved out start of June and then everything changed. Not sure what I expected, but it still sucks really bad.

 

I should clarify that I'm the dumper, and I've been taking this way worse then him. Not once did he do any of the dumpee stuff (want a second chance, cry, beg, didn't even talk about the breakup after it happened) which hurts cuz even tho I ended it, it feels like he was never really invested in me, or the relationship. Maybe he wasn't. That hurts even more.

 

He honestly seems totally fine and unfazed by this, and I've been moping around, crying at night, thinking about him all the time, missing him and wishing he was here, wondering how he is, and he's partying it up with his neighbors every night like it never mattered. At some point soon I'll just feel angry about it and develop a "oh, to hell with him!" attitude and bustle along, but for now it hurts like hell that he didn't try to salvage the relationship, or that I didn't mean that much to him. I'm glad he's not hurting cuz that would crush me, but I do wish at least a single tear rolled down his cheek, or any tiniest of action that showed he felt any kind of loss. I guess this is a massive hint that I did the right thing in ending it.

 

He hasn't texted or called once since he moved, where I've texted him a couple times. He either ignores me, or answers way later with a cool and distant once word answer. I took the hint and went NC for a whole week lol but some of his stuff is still here, so I asked him when he plans on grabbing it (kinda hard to move on and go NC when their stuffs staring at you every day). He was suddenly very friendly, super chatty we texted back and forth for a bit. I figured he'd warmed to the idea of talking, so I sent him a text the next day. He answered like 9 hours later lol with a one word answer. So I guess it's time for me to go NC unless it's about his stuff, then full NC once it's gone.

 

Hurts when I talk to him, hurts when I don't.

[Chin Up]

How many of you had it happen to you, or are guilty for saying them?

 

I don't mean "the truth hurts" kind where it's unpleasant but true, but really vicious below the belt stuff.

 

I spent this afternoon really hurt and bothered by things my ex said after we split, and hasn't apologized even tho he said he didn't mean them and was just angry. I guess that was his piss poor form of saying sorry. But I spend an hour crying cuz he said some really hurtful (and mostly not true) things and seemed to enjoy seeing me look mortified and hurt.

 

He ripped everything about me apart. My body, looks, style, interests, hobbies, you name it, nothing was spared. I'm trying not to give him the satisfaction, but I'm really hurt and upset over it. He went at me like a rabid animal.

 

So now I wonder if he meant all those horrible things, or if he said them just to hurt me? (good job jerk, you did, and trashed my self esteem a bit) anyone do or go through this?

[Frostedflake]

Guilty of saying them and have also had them launched back at me with returned fire. Well deserved on both halves.

 

However, unlike most people, I'm going to argue that not everything said in anger is untrue. If I say something I mean it and that's an 'ugly' characteristic when I say something with the intent to hurt someone because I am going to use their flaws or make something a flaw to do damage.

That is also the danger of relationships. You're giving someone access to your passions, secrets, and feelings and those can all be used against you. You hope that they wouldn't but it always happens in someway or another. I'm slowly coming to terms that I have a personality disorder or that I'm just more honest about the dark humanity bits than most.

 

BUT. Exes talking trash? Who cares.

The relationship is over. Obligations have been thrown out the window and people can get as ugly as they want with no repercussions. And they will.

So if you're the target of their badmouthing remember that his opinion is squat to you. You won't forget the terrible words he's said and that makes the possibility of getting back together futile. This is the Universe doing you a favor by letting you see what a nasty person he can be. It keeps you from going back. And if you're REALLY lucky they say the "unforgivable" thing, whatever you've made up in your mind that is, and you'll get closure too.

[Arieswoman]

This is the Universe doing you a favor by letting you see what a nasty person he can be. It keeps you from going back.

 

This x 100

[basil67]

I think that one of the most painful things is to feel misjudged. I truly sympathise with you.

 

No, I am in no way excusing his behaviour, but I am wondering what happened before he said those things. It sounds like he was furious. Did it come out of nowhere or had the two of you been fighting?

[Chin Up]

I'd say almost all of it was unforgivable. As sick as it sounds I'd rather he had just popped me in the eye, over the mental, verbal and emotional abuse he threw at me. It went on for 1.5 hours and he was screaming the whole time while I sat there shocked and blinking.

 

Basil, we hadn't been fighting but it was the day after i ended things. He came home and let 'er rip. I walked out the door eventually, he chased me down the hall screaming what a useless piece of garbage I am all the way to the door. I stayed at a hotel for 2 nights cuz to hell with that!

 

Total sleeper agent mind bomb lol for some reason it all popped in my head today and I felt really low for a bit. Had me questioning myself. I don't what's worse, that he possibly sees me that way, or he just went out of way to insult everything about me.

 

Worst I've ever done was name calling, ahole or something, which is still not right, but not god awful.

 

So glad that's out of my life, but it still stings!

 

Furious is an understatement, he went for the proverbial throat. Never experienced that before.

Edited July 2, 2017 by Chin Up
after thought.

[Frostedflake]

Total sleeper agent mind bomb lol for some reason it all popped in my head today and I felt really low for a bit. Had me questioning myself.

 

It's not really that random! And you should find comfort in that.

There might have been some off points to your day that actually got you thinking about it. Something else went wrong or someone made a comment that kinda seeped into your subconscious and triggered this flashback later.

 

This is where cognitive-behavioral therapy comes into play. No, you don't actually have to go to therapy. But looking up some methods really helps. Basically, when we feel like crap for some reason our brain wants to bring up more negative thoughts vs comforting ones. We get critical and harder on ourselves and start doubting even the good parts of ourselves because of one look, one comment, one individuals inaccurate opinion. Look into it.