Financially dependent and lonely Mother

[Kasandra]

I have reached a point of desperation and come to you all for advice.

 

I am 26 years old and I currently live with my mother. I pay all the bills because my Mother does not work. My younger Brother and older Sister moved out long ago and do not help my Mother out at all. I resent this so much to the point that I refuse to visit their apartment. Why would I want to watch my siblings live my dream, while I continue to take on my Mother's financial responsibilities? My mother is always asking me if I would like a tour of their nice apartment and I always tell her I don't care to see it. My Brother and Sister have become too comfortable having me around because as long as I'm alive and breathing, they don't have to worry about my Mother.

 

My Mom is 52 years old, and perfectly capable of working. She was living off my severely autistic Brother's Social Security and SSI money for 14 years(I have 2 brothers). But the residential home that's caring for him has been taking his money for the past year. What bothers me most is that my mother just sat around and did nothing for 14 years. I knew this day would come, so I stuck around and paid the bills, in hopes to make her life easy and in hopes she would learn a job trade in the meantime. She just thought that she would live off my brother's money forever.

 

My Mother is a very messy and disorganized woman; so not only am I paying the bills, I am also cleaning the house as well. My Mother likes to collect outdated mail and magazines. She has plenty of drawers full of junk and her room smells like sweat when I walk in. I am embarrassed to let people in my house, while my mother invites them in with open arms with no shame. Imagine what my neighbors and what the workers in my building thinks of me. They must think I am a pig. Nonetheless, I keep my room, bathroom, kitchen and hallway clean; only because I have to use them; and keeping them clean has become a daily battle. All the other rooms are her domain and they look disgusting. I have complained about being frustrated from cleaning and she says I don't have to clean. Problem is if I don't clean I am forced to sit around in filth and that just makes me feel depressed and uncomfortable. Once I didn't clean for 4 days to see how she would react, and the house was just so dirty. Didn't bother her at all.

 

She says she's looking for work but I feel she isn't trying hard enough. The local college has a free course to become a Home Health Aide, which is only a couple weeks training; my Mom refuses to do that. She says she will be depressed with that job. Problem is she just sits at home and does nothing.

 

She says I'm free to go anytime I want, but then I stay because if I go, I know she wont be able to pay the bills and she'll eventually lose the apartment and end up at a homeless shelter. My Mom has asked me that if she moves, will I come with her? I said no.

 

She always ruins my New Years, because I choose to stay at my messy, depressing and ugly apartment with her, just to keep her company; while my Brother and Sister have fun. She gets all depressive and say that her children should be with her but they choose to go out and have fun with other people. I have offered to send her to her family at Puerto Rico to enjoy the New years with but she always says no thank you. Instead she would rather ruin my holidays and make me very depressive. She always says "lets go buy some alcohol and drink together" but I say no because I don't find drinking with my Mom at home fun. Its just awkward.

 

My mom has called the police on me when I complained about her junk. She wanted them to get me out the apartment. The police realized she had a mental problem and just left. Sometimes I feel stupid because I care for her well-being more than she does. I do know that once I leave there is no turning back.

 

I want my own apartment. I need my space and I need my privacy. I have given up on my mom's happiness. She has no boyfriends and no friends. Just her cousin whom she is close with but never actually goes out to hang when invited. I have 23k saved up from the years I lived with her so one good thing came out of this. I consider that my reward money. But what is money when I lose my sanity. My Brother and Sister say I should just leave and that she will be okay. I am tired of hiding in my room when I hear her footsteps. I'm irritated at her presence and I feel guilty. She has no life and is ALWAYS home. Please help me with any advice. I cannot take this anymore.

Edited June 28, 2017 by Kasandra

[amaysngrace]

You're a kind person. Maybe she should get her own government check if she's not able to work because she's mentally ill.

[CC12]

I think you should start taking steps to move out, definitely. You have some things to figure out, though. Do you want to keep helping her out financially? If so, figure out a good, modest budget and divide it by three and tell your siblings that this number is their share of mom's care. If they don't want to pay, that's between them and your mom and you just keep paying only your own share and your mom will have to just learn to live with it.

 

If you would not like to contribute financially, I wonder if it's possible to get on disability for depression/hoarding. She sounds depressed. Is she the type who would go to therapy? Maybe look into that. Does she own or rent? She may have to sell the house and use the proceeds to live off of for a while, or downsize to a cheaper apartment.

 

Or, move out and don't look back. People tend to somehow be able to survive when everyone stops taking care of them.

 

But no matter what, you need to start living your own life and stop worrying so much about your mother being sad. Go out for New Year's Eve, for christ's sake. Kids grow up and move out and mothers don't get to spend every holiday with them anymore. It's natural. Let yourself be your own person.

[edwardelric316]

If u cut out the unemployed part everything is kind of bearable and can be taken care of. At least urs doesn't live with a guy younger than you. Do i guess it's a better than most except for the unemployed part.

Edited July 4, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed bad language

[bluefeather]

I'm sorry you are going through this

 

I have been there, in a place feeling that I needed to get away from someone like that. It is very damaging to the psyche. I'm going to suggest that you begin looking for a place of your own. It isn't fair that you don't get to enjoy your life, especially in youth, and instead feel forced to take care of someone who does not really appreciate what you are doing. I think there is such a thing as being too giving, and this is an example of it. You are losing yourself by putting other people's needs far in front of your own. I believe I have expressed care-giver traits like you do, however, so I can understand if you have felt torn all this time. Maybe, as amaysngrace said, she can get some kind of assistance from the government so that you will not feel the need to worry about her becoming homeless? Whatever the case, you should not keep this up forever. And I know that you resent your siblings, but maybe they just reached the point that you are at now much sooner than you did. It doesn't excuse whatever wrong they may have done, but I'm just throwing that in for your consideration. I am glad that you have come to this realization now and are reaching out for help. I hope that you choose to get away and can finally begin to take care of yourself...

[d0nnivain]

You need to learn about Tough Love. Right now you are enabling your mother. When you stop, she will get her act together.

 

 

this will cause huge drama in your life. She will resent you & throw tantrums. Don't listen.

 

 

I would give your siblings 2 months notice that come Fall you are making changes. Give mom only 1 month or less, then move out. She can sink or swim on her own. Let her. You are not her mom.

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't see how enabling your mother to do nothing is really helping her. She sounds like a pretty terrible person really. It sounds like she really needs therapy because her actions aren't normal, but you can't force her to do that. You need to move out and stop paying her bills.

 

If she ends up homeless that is her choice of lifestyle.

 

You also need to have some forgiveness for your siblings. They had no responsibility to look after your adult mother either, and just because you felt guilted into looking after her like she was your child, doesn't mean they should have done the same.

[Kasandra]

Thank you all for your kind, as well as tough replies. I appreciate all the advice I can get, so that I can move forward. I know it was a long post so I thank you for reading it and replying. It's true I have been enabling my mother, but that's because I honestly thought she had potential to change. I was wrong.

 

With that said, I will begin the process of being tough. So far I have stopped giving my mother money. I feel that giving her money, has given her more time to sit around and do nothing. Now that I have stopped giving her money, she constantly is asking my siblings for milk, transportation money etc.. I hope that with this new pattern, My Mom and my Siblings will realize how serious, this unemployment issue really is.

 

I'm going to give my Mom one last chance to get it together or else I will move out, abandon the bills and she's on her own. During the month of July, I would like to see her going to the local college for free certified training courses OR seeing a Psychiatrist so she can be put on disability.

 

I just spoke to her about getting on disability and she seemed stressed and defensive. She asked me "why are you saying this to me?, I know, I will apply for it because I cannot find work". I told her either this or Home Health Aide training and I walked away.

 

 

Thank you all for the push. I think its time.

[Miss Clavel]

i don't even know you but i can't believe you are going to walk out an let your only mother end up on the street.

 

if not, you are going to have to get some paper and a pencil and sit down with her and explain where the money comes from and where it goes.

 

in other words, you are in charge for as long as you stay. and she had better get with the program including getting some money to contribute and getting the filthy stinking mess of her life cleaned up.

 

you are the boss. your are the head of the household and you are going to make the rules with include cleanliness, organization and no hoarding of anything.

 

since her other children have such a great apartment, let them know that she is going to be spending the night with them, three times a month. that way you can have friends over your nice clean apartment.

 

any holiday or nights you want off get her settled and leave her alone.

 

make her understand, in writing, you are the boss, you are in charge now and if she doesn't like it, she can go live in the alley.

 

make her face it. she needs you, you are all that stands between her and washing her pits at the sink in the public library.

 

that should put the fear of god in her.

 

she needs you way more than you need her.

 

good luck

[shellybing]

I have reached a point of desperation and come to you all for advice.

 

I am 26 years old and I currently live with my mother. I pay all the bills because my Mother does not work. My younger Brother and older Sister moved out long ago and do not help my Mother out at all. I resent this so much to the point that I refuse to visit their apartment. Why would I want to watch my siblings live my dream, while I continue to take on my Mother's financial responsibilities? My mother is always asking me if I would like a tour of their nice apartment and I always tell her I don't care to see it. My Brother and Sister have become too comfortable having me around because as long as I'm alive and breathing, they don't have to worry about my Mother.

 

My Mom is 52 years old, and perfectly capable of working. She was living off my severely autistic Brother's Social Security and SSI money for 14 years(I have 2 brothers). But the residential home that's caring for him has been taking his money for the past year. What bothers me most is that my mother just sat around and did nothing for 14 years. I knew this day would come, so I stuck around and paid the bills, in hopes to make her life easy and in hopes she would learn a job trade in the meantime. She just thought that she would live off my brother's money forever.

 

My Mother is a very messy and disorganized woman; so not only am I paying the bills, I am also cleaning the house as well. My Mother likes to collect outdated mail and magazines. She has plenty of drawers full of junk and her room smells like sweat when I walk in. I am embarrassed to let people in my house, while my mother invites them in with open arms with no shame. Imagine what my neighbors and what the workers in my building thinks of me. They must think I am a pig. Nonetheless, I keep my room, bathroom, kitchen and hallway clean; only because I have to use them; and keeping them clean has become a daily battle. All the other rooms are her domain and they look disgusting. I have complained about being frustrated from cleaning and she says I don't have to clean. Problem is if I don't clean I am forced to sit around in filth and that just makes me feel depressed and uncomfortable. Once I didn't clean for 4 days to see how she would react, and the house was just so dirty. Didn't bother her at all.

 

She says she's looking for work but I feel she isn't trying hard enough. The local college has a free course to become a Home Health Aide, which is only a couple weeks training; my Mom refuses to do that. She says she will be depressed with that job. Problem is she just sits at home and does nothing.

 

She says I'm free to go anytime I want, but then I stay because if I go, I know she wont be able to pay the bills and she'll eventually lose the apartment and end up at a homeless shelter. My Mom has asked me that if she moves, will I come with her? I said no.

 

She always ruins my New Years, because I choose to stay at my messy, depressing and ugly apartment with her, just to keep her company; while my Brother and Sister have fun. She gets all depressive and say that her children should be with her but they choose to go out and have fun with other people. I have offered to send her to her family at Puerto Rico to enjoy the New years with but she always says no thank you. Instead she would rather ruin my holidays and make me very depressive. She always says "lets go buy some alcohol and drink together" but I say no because I don't find drinking with my Mom at home fun. Its just awkward.

 

My mom has called the police on me when I complained about her junk. She wanted them to get me out the apartment. The police realized she had a mental problem and just left. Sometimes I feel stupid because I care for her well-being more than she does. I do know that once I leave there is no turning back.

 

I want my own apartment. I need my space and I need my privacy. I have given up on my mom's happiness. She has no boyfriends and no friends. Just her cousin whom she is close with but never actually goes out to hang when invited. I have 23k saved up from the years I lived with her so one good thing came out of this. I consider that my reward money. But what is money when I lose my sanity. My Brother and Sister say I should just leave and that she will be okay. I am tired of hiding in my room when I hear her footsteps. I'm irritated at her presence and I feel guilty. She has no life and is ALWAYS home. Please help me with any advice. I cannot take this anymore.

 

 

Go out and live your life child!

 

Your mom can take care of herself. Even if its a mess. Even if she is disabled. She won't end up in a homeless shelter - she will find more help when you leave and it gets real. Believe me. She will.

 

Hugs to you. Go live your life.

[shellybing]

i don't even know you but i can't believe you are going to walk out an let your only mother end up on the street.

 

if not, you are going to have to get some paper and a pencil and sit down with her and explain where the money comes from and where it goes.

 

in other words, you are in charge for as long as you stay. and she had better get with the program including getting some money to contribute and getting the filthy stinking mess of her life cleaned up.

 

you are the boss. your are the head of the household and you are going to make the rules with include cleanliness, organization and no hoarding of anything.

 

since her other children have such a great apartment, let them know that she is going to be spending the night with them, three times a month. that way you can have friends over your nice clean apartment.

 

any holiday or nights you want off get her settled and leave her alone.

 

make her understand, in writing, you are the boss, you are in charge now and if she doesn't like it, she can go live in the alley.

 

make her face it. she needs you, you are all that stands between her and washing her pits at the sink in the public library.

 

that should put the fear of god in her.

 

she needs you way more than you need her.

 

good luck

 

Parents are supposed to take care of their children and set them free. Not hold them back and keep them hemmed up with their wings clipped. Of course, we need to love and have compassion for our parents when they are old, but they ahve not all of the sudden forgotten how to add and subtract, and they know where money comes from. Just because they are messy and disorganized, doesn't mean that they are stupid. This old woman knows that she will be alone and you my dear, are the one with a good enough heart to do all of this for her. Go out and live your life, and leave the important things up to your mom. She can take care of herself. That being said - check in on her, take her to lunch. But you do not have to support her for your whole life.

[elaine567]

I think the first thing that needs sorted out is.

Is she actually mentally ill?

If so, then all the ultimatums and tough love in the world will not help and she will most likely end up being a bigger burden to you all than she is already.

You need to get the help of some professionals here, start by having a word with your doctor.