Affair partner of many years does strange things

[ClassyTaste]

Hi. I am new to the forum, but have read Loveshack for awhile now. I have been in a strange affair with a MM for 6 years now. It is on and off. I have tried to distance myself. There was a D-Day 3 years ago. I have used every tactic to break it off. I have used the if you contact me again, I will tell your wife. He contacts anyways. I had thought up one of the worst things you could say to another and he later contacted.

I believe he and I share dysfunctional childhoods and bond in a strange way regarding this.

What i have not read here or on any other areas in Loveshack is he copies me. These copies are not simple small thing, but big purchases. He has money as well as myself. The exact styles and exact models. If I mention something I admire someone else does such as a hobby,he will go and start that hobby. These are not little hobbies, but quite drastic hobbies.

If I get into a hobby then he will too.

This has me bewildered.

I do understand i am a crappy person for what I am doing and do not feel well by doing it. i am very independent, so I have no problem not being in touch during our break ups. I have to admit that as strong as I am that I do hide and bury hurt and shame.

Has anyone else had their MM act in this manner?

Edited June 28, 2017 by ClassyTaste
Was going to add strange things to title

[Overtaxed]

I have used every tactic to break it off. I have used the if you contact me again, I will tell your wife. He contacts anyways.

 

Except the tactic that will work. Break it off. Delete him, ghost him, and never look back. "Trying everything" to break it off, or "trying everything" to stay out of an A is a complete fiction. If you want to break it off, you can, this morning, without so much as a word to him. Don't lie to yourself, you're doing a push/pull to see how much he cares. Break it off, and, if he does contact you again, tell his W. That'll be the end of this.

 

As to the question, he probably doesn't have a lot of interests himself, so he looks to your interests as "something to do". I know a lot of people like that, if their friend starts running, they run. If that friend starts going to the gym, they go to the gym. They just don't have a ton of individual direction, so they "copy" or "mirror" someone else to see if they enjoy it. Nothing to read into it more than that.

[BaileyB]

It makes me think of the movie - the Runaway Bride. "How do you like your eggs?" Julia Roberts character liked the same kind of eggs as every man that she dated because she didn't know who she was and what she liked on her own.

 

This kind of behavior is normal for two people when they are together. When we date, we will mirror each other's expressions and body language. We may watch certain movies or take up certain hobbies that our partner enjoys. But in the extreme, it demonstrates someone who is weak and doesn't have a strong sense of self. It makes me wonder - a married man who wants two women and continually comes back to your relationship - if he is a really weak man without the strength of character and personal integrity to make his own decisions and live with conviction. I would not find this cute, I would find it annoying.

[aileD]

So did you tell his wife?

 

Breaknit off

Change phone number

Advise him if he contact you, you will file harassment charges with the police.

 

Then do it if he contact you

[Ahurtgirl]

I wouldn't recommend contacting the wife. I did that but not to tell her about us but only because I was concerned about him. It set off a d-day for him and from there a legal battle pursued from it 6 months later. Absolute nightmare!!! Do NOT contact his wife.

Just block him from your number and walk away. Mine exMM never mirrored my interests. That seems obsessive and sort of scary. You might end up needing a restraining order on your MM once you end things for good. Most MM never contact after the d-day happens. The fact that he still did after he had a d-day is surprising.

[SammySammy]

Tell him you're into large anal dildoes.

 

See what he does with that bit of information.

[ClassyTaste]

Good day and thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I thought the one time I told him sternly if he contacted me that I would contact his wife would put an end to him contacting me and it did not.

I will not contact his wife because in their relationship, I believe the dynamic is she is a love addict and he is strongly for finances and not messing up the children and extended families close relationship. She has a nice lifestyle and will not leave it for if it landed her in a non comfy lifestyle.

I do not blame her. She seems to be a sweet lady who loves her husband. If I told her, it would only strike and hurt her emotionally. I do not want to be the source of that. She will stay. This has been a dance time and time again. I also value my own reputation. Why would I allow a man to behave in a way that would only hurt myself.

I entered this relationship with a single man who told me he was divorced. I had never been in an affair and before this would never have entered relationship with a married man, knowing he was married.

Mirroring is a fantastic word mentioned in this thread. I am stumped by it. I give in by my own choice and from our own weird connection to this man. I do plan on it ending when I have time and the time comes for a meaningful healthy relationship. I do not believe in going through great lengths to search for a partner because I am lonely. I will keep myself busy with activities and improving myself.

I do believe I am stuck in the delusion that if I completely let go, the what ifs. What if we are meant for one another and other nonsense.. I believe we use each other, each handing out our own breadcrumbs to one another.

[Poppy47]

Welcome Classy,

I had an affair for 8 years.

 

Breaking it off with a long term affair partner is not easy as you probably have feelings and concern for each other. If I had just walked off on xMM he would have been worried sick. We would not have done that to each other. I don't know how you will do it, but it was a mutual agreement for me.

 

Mirroring means that he is desperately trying to keep your interest in him going. XMM would watch the same TV as I did, read the same books etc, etc. He had no real idea of who he was and no interests of his own.

 

Good luck,

Poppy.

[freengreen]

Money+no own hobbies+ immature = copy cat

 

My ex MM and I had few common interests but most of the time he used to be fascinated by my other interests , now that dint mean he had any more respect that he already had for me ( not much, hey); its just the things I did interested him.

 

I have seen him claiming these interests I introduced as his to bait other ladies.

pfft.

Edited June 29, 2017 by freengreen

[elaine567]

I think is all a part of compartmentalising.

He can't share his real life hobbies and interests with his OW, as that would get confusing at home.

So he latches onto her interests and hobbies, or engages in something wild or out of character, so he can thus keep his two lives completely separate.

 

I also think that because there is often an age gap, or he sees himself as younger than he is or he wants to free himself from the "shackles of marriage", then he will try to impress the OW, by adopting her hobbies or becoming interested in stuff he would have shunned otherwise.

 

Also a sharing of common interests may be just a ploy to keep her interested and on board.

"NO man before has ever been so interested in MY hobbies, we are so compatible, he must really love me a lot..."

[skywriter]

Hi. I am new to the forum, but have read Loveshack for awhile now. I have been in a strange affair with a MM for 6 years now. It is on and off. I have tried to distance myself. There was a D-Day 3 years ago. I have used every tactic to break it off. I have used the if you contact me again, I will tell your wife. He contacts anyways. I had thought up one of the worst things you could say to another and he later contacted.

I believe he and I share dysfunctional childhoods and bond in a strange way regarding this.

What i have not read here or on any other areas in Loveshack is he copies me. These copies are not simple small thing, but big purchases. He has money as well as myself. The exact styles and exact models. If I mention something I admire someone else does such as a hobby,he will go and start that hobby. These are not little hobbies, but quite drastic hobbies.

If I get into a hobby then he will too.

This has me bewildered.

I do understand i am a crappy person for what I am doing and do not feel well by doing it. i am very independent, so I have no problem not being in touch during our break ups. I have to admit that as strong as I am that I do hide and bury hurt and shame.

Has anyone else had their MM act in this manner?

 

 

Hello Classy Taste,

Welcome...I was in my A for nearly 6 years myself. I was determined to end the A before the 6 year mark. Instead of threatening my exMM, I just did it. It took me about 8 months or so to get over the A. For me, it was more about getting over the fact that I wasted all that time in an A, and that I participated in the betrayal of another person.

 

You mentioned there was a D Day, 3 years ago. How did that go? The question of MM and taking up the same interest. Oh yes, and not just hobbies, my exAP, would agree with me on political interest, and music , movies, etc. Now, quite possibly there was some sincerity, but in some ways, I tend to believe it was his way of manipulating me emotionally and egotistically, making me feel important.

 

You said you hide hurt and shame. I can relate to this, and how unhealthy it can be for you. Decide for yourself how many more years, months, (days, so on)you are willing to ,allow him to, occupy of your mind , emotions, body, etc.This is time you can't get back, believe me I think about this fact even now and I've moved on.

[ClassyTaste]

Thank you for sharing your life stories with me and especially to those who have been through long-term affairs.

 

I have been digesting information and reading posts. I have been working on myself for quite awhile now. I was at the plateau of indifference with MM. The last couple of times we spent time together, the comforting feeling of indifference switched back to anger. The anger is not the other side of love anger, it is purely anger at myself and him.

 

I sent him the last email (my own closure) and told him how I felt about him and it was not pleasant, but not pathetic in any way. I could have blocked the email, but he could make another email account and contact. He does not know my new number. I dropped my email address completely. It took 3 hours to reestablish all billing and contacts, since it was my main address. It was worth it! It felt empowering while doing the work necessary.

 

I was disappointed to see the account would stay up pending for 20 days of the billing cycle. I called the company and it took an entire hour to get them to shut it down right then and there. I was persistent and bingo, the address is no more. I also blocked him from any social media and made all unsearchable.

 

I hate to read the pain here and on the adultery site. It is all projection of our inner pain and anger toward the other. Beating each other down and using terms meant to make someone feel more insecure can be damaging to someone who does not have a strong 'self.'

 

It is not the wife and it is not the af who are the 'problem.' The one with the problem is the MM. Marriages end in divorce everyday. Women leave and men leave marriages when there are children and no affair partner. I will use the gender male, since it is the gender that is most spoke of here. I have personally known of men to divorce from an unhappy marriage with children. There are no excuses or reasons they must stay. These cheating MM have personality disorders, adjusting disorders, and other problems that make them the way that they are. They are dysfunctional living in a fantasy world.

 

I hope everyone of you in pain or in need of closure takes a good look at yourselves and digs deep to find out why you allowed for this situation to occur. I have done this and worked hard on improving myself. Please love yourself and understand that no relationship or man should define who you are or cause you to feel despair. You are in control of yourself and your universe. You are in control of every decision you make. You are strong and your future is a blank paper, clean and ready for you to make it full of self fulfillment, self goals, and happiness from within, not happiness based on another person's validation.

 

Happy 4th! And, thank you!

[ClassyTaste]

The ideology is one that people tend to get confused. They believe the man loves his partner and she does not share that love. This is not what it means. The woman loves her lifetime partner, but he loves her on an even higher level. I believe a great example would be the way George Clooney stares at his wife and embraces her when ever he can. He is mesmerized by her.

 

The newest 20 year old Norwegian Victoria's Secret model could jump in his lap and he would push her away because his love is so great. She is the one. He took his time finding his soulmate, but importantly he did not ho around and went through multiple long term relationships to find her.

 

I believe it is important to not date ferociously looking for a mate. The above happening is a 1/1,000,000,000 odds on a dating website esp. hook up tinder that seems all the rage.

 

In most affairs, the man is simply looking for outside sex. They do not care that they manipulate and lie. They are either too scared or too cheap to hire a high class h**ker. I read about the new dating culture and really wonder what will be the new STD to come out of it. I may be the odd one out with this thinking that if you are going to advertise on a fling dating site like tinder at least make some money out of it. FWBs is free hooking service with all the benefits and free service. I do not understand it.

 

I do hope everyone is feeling well and getting past these disasters called affairs.