Feeling hurt

[Buttercuplady]

I have an issue with my man being way more interested in pirn than me . We have been down the medical route and everything checks out with him . There are no major changes I can note with us as in big weight or lifestyle issues . I have read lots of advice from other women asking similar questions and the standard seems to be that the onus is on the woman to 'be more exciting and give him more variety ' . For a long time I took this on board and really tried spicing things up but he is still much more interested in the pornobabes

I am not sure how I can fulfill the variety he obviously gets from porn unless I can learn to morph from a small chested Asian woman to a DD Swedish chick on demand them into a million other women . I also need to be

Twenty years younger and be shorter , taller or whatever he feels

Like according to the one hundred meat catagories of women presented.

It's extremely frustrating to me that I feel I will never be able to compete with porn . Every women in the world is there and I automatically LOSE Because I not EVERYTHiNG and anything he wants at any given moment

How can I deal with knowing I can never be exciting to him again

Edited June 28, 2017 by Buttercuplady

[Chardonnay Renée]

He has a porn addiction. You cannot look at it as though you need to compete, you need to look at it as though he needs help and rehabilitation. He seriously needs some counselling or this will ruin your marriage.

[mikeylo]

The only thing you need to deal with is to convince him to go into rehab. It won't be easy as he will deny and most likely will reject your proposal.

[Ahurtgirl]

Just have fun with it. He must be creative minded. Usually those with dominant and creative minded traits need variety. If he's not cheating on you with another woman, enjoy being the only one he can play with as all men envision a variety of women in their minds while having sex. Just what guys do to keep themselves entertained. At least he's not gay.

[JHandy]

This is the same reply I gave in another post.

 

One thing I think is essential in a relationship is sharing. Porn can have some positive effects but when used solo can have one negative side effect that can be profound. It creates loneliness in the user. It can also lead to shame if there are negative opinions being made of it. Porn users can get sucked into it to dark levels as one would with any addiction.

 

I've always thought porn was a fun escape for a couple. But when things start getting rough porn can start replacing the significant other. This happened with me in my previous marriage. It wasn't out of trying, but she just wasn't into the marriage anymore. Porn became my only release. And it made me very lonely as well.

 

In my new marriage I still watch porn every now and again but my current wife likes to be part of it. She also has her idiosyncrasies that I am now a part of too! In our pasts neither one of us had ever crossed into each other's unique interests, but rather be judgemental we just accept each other and share each other's unique love of life.

 

My love for porn is still high, but I watch it a lot less. My wife interests me more. We share fantasies instead

 

Porn is a thing like any other thing. It's a hobby in a way. I think the best way to help him with it is be interested in his thing. Don't judge it. The thing about battling anything is first accepting it. Porn may be a big thing right now. I also suspect he's lonely. If you accept him and his love of porn and become his porn buddy he may start seeing a side of you he missed all along. You will see the things he likes, you may also see things you like that you never knew. But I will guarantee he will see a lot he likes in you that he may have forgotten or just never knew.

 

If you watch it with him and get a shared pleasure from it, I suspect he'll never want to watch it again alone. I also suspect you both won't be watching as much as time goes by. Then you two can make up your own porn

 

Just join him. It's not about you. But it can be about both of you

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Just have fun with it. He must be creative minded. Usually those with dominant and creative minded traits need variety. If he's not cheating on you with another woman, enjoy being the only one he can play with as all men envision a variety of women in their minds while having sex. Just what guys do to keep themselves entertained. At least he's not gay.

 

This is terrible advice. In a normal, strong committed marriage, one party does not spend so much time and energy viewing porn. It's not something the affected spouse can just have "fun with."

 

OP, your husband has an addiction. Only he will be able to decide whether he wants to beat his addiction and save his marriage or stick with his relationship with porn. This is not even remotely your fault.

[JHandy]

This is not even remotely your fault.

 

I don't think AHurtGirl was assigning fault.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't think AHurtGirl was assigning fault.

 

I didn't mean she was. OP seemed to be blaming herself for not being "enough."

[JHandy]

I didn't mean she was. OP seemed to be blaming herself for not being "enough."

 

It's not the OP fault in any way. But there are opportunities for the OP to help him out. In my case my wife simply joined me and made it an "us thing". We learned a lot of cool things about each other and had some very good sex to boot.

 

We don't watch it nearly as much as we did when she joined me. I'm not compelled to watch it except when I'm out of town for business.

 

I also see my wife as much hotter and more exciting now after knowing more about her.

[stillafool]

There is no way to compete with porn women. Today your H might desire a big busted blonde and tomorrow it might be a small chested brunette. What he is seeking is variety in both women and sex acts. There's no way you can compete with that.

[JHandy]

There is no way to compete with porn women. Today your H might desire a big busted blonde and tomorrow it might be a small chested brunette. What he is seeking is variety in both women and sex acts. There's no way you can compete with that.

 

It's no different than competing with football and etc.

 

Porn shouldn't be considered the competition anyway. Think about the things you want your husband to do with you. He may initially grumble about it, but if he doesn't join you, that's what he's competing with.

 

The challenge isn't accepting being the competition - it's being the compadre in each other's schemes. That's how I see marriage.

[Buttercuplady]

It's no different than competing with football and etc.

 

Porn shouldn't be considered the competition anyway. Think about the things you want your husband to do with you. He may initially grumble about it, but if he doesn't join you, that's what he's competing with.

 

The challenge isn't accepting being the competition - it's being the compadre in each other's schemes. That's how I see marriage.

 

Jhandy, that's great I guess if it's meets all of HIS needs for him to have a million other women be his sex bombs and focus of his sexual attention and me be his compadre but what about MY needs ?

 

As a woman I have needs too and one of my needs is to be the primary focus of his sexual attention and to feel he finds me more compelling and desirable than porn . If he can't give me that then why am I even here ? I have plenty of compadres in my life . They are called friends .

 

im not at interested in watching porn , been down that road before and tbh after trying it for some time with Him it got to the point where I just couldn't stomach even looking for something to watch on mainstream sites where every second video seemed to refer to women by vile names and ads promoting teen this and that popped up. Too many ethical issues . I mean it

Doesn't say eighteen , nineteen , just teen . I mean promoting sexualisation of youngsters ? I can't support an industry that does that sorry . And yes we did watch some that looked ok . In one all seemed normal until near the end where the woman was spat on , yes that's right ! And in others the men's faces barely shown . The men incidentally were frequently much

Less attractive and out of shape too than the women. Don't get me wrong , I have no issue whatsoever with nudity , I'm very sex positive but the porn industry seemed all about power and abuse . It seemed as far removed from sex as anything I could imagine. Women didn't even seem authentic in their enjoyment. Just my opinion but that no I won't be going down any path of compromising my own enjoyment again and doing something that goes against my personal values.

The whole thing was simply a massive off for me

Edited June 29, 2017 by Buttercuplady

[JHandy]

Jhandy, that's great I guess if it's meets all of HIS needs for him to have a million other women be his sex bombs and focus of his sexual attention and me be his compadre but what about MY needs ?

 

I hear you and feel for you. You are right. I just offered a thought for a different approach. That's all.

 

I also agree with you that the lions share of porn is terrible. I cannot be a good judge on how men look, but they can be aweful.

 

There is very little that can be done. My previous marriage was a crash and burn situation. She and I refused to do new things and we created our own lives. She with her projects I had no interest in and me in mine. We grew apart. We divorced lost lots of our wealth to the legal system and I ended up living in a boarding house for a few years.

 

Irony had it that after we divorced we ended up doing the things with other people we refused to while married.

 

Bottom line, you two had something that brought you together. He may be the guy or not, but now he's the guy. He's distracted unfortunately and you are very hurt - understandably.

 

Since my divorce I have chosen to open myself to everything. It takes time with some things but it's my commitment to my new wife. I've had some surprises with her. These surprises have made my marriage a great journey.

 

If I can recommend one thing. Try pornhub - look it up on google. It's the high standard right now. It's got a lot of crap as one would expect. But they have a category called "For Wonen". Again, I'm not a good judge on men, but the men in thIs category are fit looking and the scenes are slow and romantic. My wife likes the stuff in that category.

 

If you want him and open the mystery that awaits you AND HIM, give it a try. You both will start talking about sex a lot more - you telling him what you like and vice versa. That's how porn becomes a tool. As I have with my wife your man will do with you. With every revelation you become a gift he gets to slowly unwrap.

 

I'm really sorry I upset you. But I hate people splitting up. You got married for a reason. In your search to get that back you may end up finding many more reasons.

 

Here's to the best for you. And hopefully both of you.

[stillafool]

Jhandy, that's great I guess if it's meets all of HIS needs for him to have a million other women be his sex bombs and focus of his sexual attention and me be his compadre but what about MY needs ?

 

As a woman I have needs too and one of my needs is to be the primary focus of his sexual attention and to feel he finds me more compelling and desirable than porn . If he can't give me that then why am I even here ? I have plenty of compadres in my life . They are called friends .

 

im not at interested in watching porn , been down that road before and tbh after trying it for some time with Him it got to the point where I just couldn't stomach even looking for something to watch on mainstream sites where every second video seemed to refer to women by vile names and ads promoting teen this and that popped up. Too many ethical issues . I mean it

Doesn't say eighteen , nineteen , just teen . I mean promoting sexualisation of youngsters ? I can't support an industry that does that sorry . And yes we did watch some that looked ok . In one all seemed normal until near the end where the woman was spat on , yes that's right ! And in others the men's faces barely shown . The men incidentally were frequently much

Less attractive and out of shape too than the women. Don't get me wrong , I have no issue whatsoever with nudity , I'm very sex positive but the porn industry seemed all about power and abuse . It seemed as far removed from sex as anything I could imagine. Women didn't even seem authentic in their enjoyment. Just my opinion but that no I won't be going down any path of compromising my own enjoyment again and doing something that goes against my personal values.

The whole thing was simply a massive off for me

 

Yeah, it mostly if not always caters to men's desires.

[Buttercuplady]

No Jhandy , Thankyou for your input . I'm sorry if I was rash in my response . Im feeling extremely sensitive at the moment and your words well well meaning. I need to take a deep breath and step back from my situation . Nothing is ever solved when one is emotional and upset I know . In so pleased to hear that you and your wife have managed to find a path that works for you and I think that's all that matters at the end of the day , that both people are happy and feel loved. Thankyou for your kind support

[JHandy]

No Jhandy , Thankyou for your input . I'm sorry if I was rash in my response . Im feeling extremely sensitive at the moment and your words well well meaning. I need to take a deep breath and step back from my situation . Nothing is ever solved when one is emotional and upset I know . In so pleased to hear that you and your wife have managed to find a path that works for you and I think that's all that matters at the end of the day , that both people are happy and feel loved. Thankyou for your kind support

 

You will find happiness - mostly because with your original post, you express a lot of desire for it. ! Always be honest with yourself and be willing to take risks and be scared once in a while. I'm in my 50's and for the first time in my life I don't look back with regret. I wish I was the guy I am now back then. I played things too safely. I don't think it would have saved my marriage but it could have gotten me in a better place with myself. No matter what direction you take I hope you start a little uncomfortable. That's the only way you will get the most from it.

 

As to your question, you take care of you!