Randomname87 Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Not sure how to do this. This is my first time ever posting anything let alone asking strangers for help. But here it goes. I'm a 30 year old male. Been married to my wife for 3 years. She is great. I love her. She loves me. And for about 1.5 years we have been trying to get pregnant. Hasn't worked. But about 3 months ago I have decided I don't want kids anymore. And I'm confident that I won't later. She wants the so bad it hurts her. I haven't told her yet. Just curious as to what you people may think will happen. If she doesn't have kids because of me, she will always resent me...i feel like if we were to get a divorce, she is still young enough to meet some one new and have a kid ( she is 28) ...not sure what to do Link to post Share on other sites
Chardonnay Renée Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Why have you done an about-face all of a sudden? Let me tell you now; your wife won't just be extremely upset about you not wanting children anymore, she's going to be extremely concerned about how you could be so fickle. What other bombshells are you going to drop on her in the future? You say you love her now, but you also claim that you didn't not want kids before. Sorry for the double-negative, but by logical deduction you clearly wanted kids. When are you going to all of a sudden decide with such certainty that you don't love your wife anymore? I know I'd be extremely worried if I were your wife, thinking that any day you will come out and just lay it all bare. You know what? I don't actually believe you ever really wanted kids. I think you went along with it because your wife clearly wanted kids and you didn't know how to break it to her all this time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 I have decided I don't want kids anymore. And I'm confident that I won't later. You need to tell her this sooner rather than later. She needs to know how you really feel so that she can make her own decision. She might choose to stay with you, or she might decide that she really wants kids so she needs to find someone else that she can do that with. You would really be doing her an injustice to hide this from her. She deserves happiness and to have a partner who wants the same things as she does. Tell her tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 I kind of unserstand where this is coming from. You have seen your W in extreme stress these 18 months that you are trying for a kid and you didn't like it. You don't not want a kid, you don't want to live in a stressful environment and miss on the good stuff of the marriage. I understand you but you need to talk to her and communicate your fears. She may have the same agony with you and may be willing to work with ypu as a team to fix this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Randomname87 Posted June 28, 2017 Author Share Posted June 28, 2017 Thabks for the help. And i really dont want kids. Im not a fan of the 9-5 job and come home every day. I thought i wpuld be, but im not. And i dont think having a kid would make that any better. And i dont thinks its worth risk Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Thabks for the help. And i really dont want kids. Im not a fan of the 9-5 job and come home every day. I thought i wpuld be, but im not. And i dont think having a kid would make that any better. And i dont thinks its worth risk Sounds like you are not really husband and father material at the moment. YOU don't want to be tied down, you don't even want to come home every day. You are feeling trapped and kids would trap you even more. YOU need to tell your wife this, the whole story. It may mean you have to move on to be happy, but better you make that decision now, than after three kids... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Lucky she didn't become pregnant before you made this decision. Anyway, it sounds like you want to throw your life (wife, job, future kids) away, so go do it. I'm not sure what you are moving on to but you'd better be sure it's worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mittens Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Sounds like you are not really husband and father material at the moment. YOU don't want to be tied down, you don't even want to come home every day. You are feeling trapped and kids would trap you even more. YOU need to tell your wife this, the whole story. It may mean you have to move on to be happy, but better you make that decision now, than after three kids... ...or you will be my father. He didn't want children, married my mother who was a practising Catholic (and happened to be 3 months pregnant when they wed) and had another 2 children within 5 years. He managed to do the whole 'husband and father' thing for a decade...turned 30, realised he didn't want the life he had and proceeded to **** around with our families well being by dragging us around the world for the next decade. He ended up leaving my mother when he was 42 for another woman (he'd been unfaithful for the whole 23 years of marriage). You know what you want, and it's not what you've got right now. Do your wife a favour and set her free now. Don't think you can avoid hurting her - you can't. But do it before children are involved. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 Maybe your wife is so baby-focused that she isn't even herself anymore. I've seen that happen before where ones whole entire happiness is wrapped up into something they just don't have. I think it would be tough to be married to someone like that and in fact I might not want a baby anymore either. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 If she really wants kids & you no longer do, I suspect that when you tell her, she will start divorce proceedings. You have to tell her though. Maybe she doesn't want them either but I since you have been trying I suspect kids are a deal breaker for her, especially if you told her you wanted them when you married 1 Link to post Share on other sites
submart Posted June 28, 2017 Share Posted June 28, 2017 1. What made you come to this decision three months ago? 2. Was it the responsibility of children, the stress of trying to conceive, the desire to change careers (i.e. you said you don't like the traditional 9-5 schedule)? 3. Did you ever feel the desire to become a dad or think it was part of the marriage package? 4. Would you be OK with just taking a break for a year or so before getting serious with trying to conceive (i.e. fertility treatments, adoption, etc.?). Maybe you are just burnt out. It's perfectly ok if you don't want to have kids, but you have to be completely honest with her. If you tell her now she will have time to find somebody else to marry and have children with. If you drag your feet than you are wasting her time and fertility and that's not fair. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 Not sure how to do this. This is my first time ever posting anything let alone asking strangers for help. But here it goes. I'm a 30 year old male. Been married to my wife for 3 years. She is great. I love her. She loves me. And for about 1.5 years we have been trying to get pregnant. Hasn't worked. But about 3 months ago I have decided I don't want kids anymore. And I'm confident that I won't later. She wants the so bad it hurts her. I haven't told her yet. Just curious as to what you people may think will happen. If she doesn't have kids because of me, she will always resent me...i feel like if we were to get a divorce, she is still young enough to meet some one new and have a kid ( she is 28) ...not sure what to do If she feels this strongly about having kids the next option she will bring up is either infertility drugs or adoption. Why don't you want kids anymore? What happened that changed your mind? It's not fair to either of you to stay in a marriage when one wants kids and the other doesn't. It will cause resentments, you'll resent her and probably not be a good father if she does have a child and she'll resent you for not wanting one and staying with you. Divorce now while she's still young and healthy. You're in a real tough spot. My suggestion is, before you pull the plug on this, go talk to a therapist just to help you make sure this is what you truly want. It would be a real shame and sad OOPS if you do divorce then a year later realize you truly love your wife and want a family with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted July 1, 2017 Share Posted July 1, 2017 Random, You need to tell your wife how you feel and do it now. i feel like if we were to get a divorce, she is still young enough to meet some one new and have a kid So give her that option. Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 It can take some people few years to get pregnant. it could be a deal breaker, If it was me i would leave and find someone that wants kids, is it more your scarred you cant have kids? there are tests to find out. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 It is really important that you tell your wife about your decision, now. I suspect that she will want to find someone else who wants to have a family. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 2, 2017 Share Posted July 2, 2017 I think you should tell her that you realized you don't really want kids. I know this is not an easy conversation but I feel that part of her stressing to have children is thinking that you want them as bad as she does and I think this will remove some of the pressure off her. But with her less stressful, she is even more likely to get pregnant if there is any chance of it to begin with. It is not unusual for pregnancies to happen after you give up. But your doctors know best about that. At least it would take some pressure off her, but you may want to tell her, "but if it happens, fine, but I just want you to know I'm perfectly fine not having kids and think we could have a wonderful life together." Link to post Share on other sites
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