My husband wants our kids to be shut-ins

[ItsameMaria]

My husband is a special kind of person. He's extremely intelligent which makes him rather inept to social situations. I suggested we put out 2.5 year old daughter into a summer program, a few hours a day a few days a week. His response was no I think she's too young and should stil be with her mom all day long. My daughter is a handful and that is the most understated understatement anyone has ever uttered. She misbehaves when she's bored and I think a day camp would benefit her. My husband actually said "sometimes it's not good to be around other people"'. Now, he has a my way or no way attitude about him. It's not fair that I'm the normal social one who wants to get my kids out there and experience new things but he looks at all of that as a negative. Regular average everyday activities he finds harmful. So I suggested karate or gymnastics and his response was "I don't want their entire lives scheduled". His social insecurities are hurting our children's ability to get out there and meet other kids and find something they enjoy. How do I approach this? I'm so close to saying screw your insecurities I'm doing it anyway. This is very frustrating especially for my kids.

[Chardonnay Renée]

My husband is a special kind of person. He's extremely intelligent which makes him rather inept to social situations. I suggested we put out 2.5 year old daughter into a summer program, a few hours a day a few days a week. His response was no I think she's too young and should stil be with her mom all day long. My daughter is a handful and that is the most understated understatement anyone has ever uttered. She misbehaves when she's bored and I think a day camp would benefit her. My husband actually said "sometimes it's not good to be around other people"'. Now, he has a my way or no way attitude about him. It's not fair that I'm the normal social one who wants to get my kids out there and experience new things but he looks at all of that as a negative. Regular average everyday activities he finds harmful. So I suggested karate or gymnastics and his response was "I don't want their entire lives scheduled". His social insecurities are hurting our children's ability to get out there and meet other kids and find something they enjoy. How do I approach this? I'm so close to saying screw your insecurities I'm doing it anyway. This is very frustrating especially for my kids.

You do realise that the two concepts can be mutually exclusive, don't you? There may be a neurological correlation between the two, but saying that the causation of your husbands behaviour is solely because he's highly intelligent comes across as somewhat intellectually dishonest.

 

Your husband clearly has social anxiety and it sounds like he has at least a form of Asperger's. Unfortunately, he's projecting his own insecurities onto your kids. This is bad and you cannot let him hold back your kids.

 

What would the repercussions be if you just went and booked them into these extracurricular activities? Like, what's he actually going to do? Flip out and have a tantrum? If he's likely to be pissed for a bit and then just get over it, I'd suggest you just go ahead and make plans and let him suck it up.

 

If, however, your husband is likely going to lose his **** and the flow-on effects won't be tolerable, I suggest you seek professional advice on what and how to deal with him. This is a big deal and he cannot, under ANY circumstances, be allowed in any way to stunt the social development of your children.

[GunslingerRoland]

I think many kids in recent years are definitely over-scheduled in activities, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't be in any organized activities. And it doesn't sound like your husband is letting her be in unorganized activities with other kids either.

 

Your husband's issues are his issues, whether it's ASD or some sort of social anxiety, but you can't let that dictate how you are going to raise your kids.

[ItsameMaria]

Sorry, let me clarify. He's more of a Sheldon Cooper type. Oblivious to everyday normalcies. He in no way has a disorder. I've been slowly ignoring all his ridiculous request for perfection and rules. Nothing as big as using shared funds to enroll her in a program. I think the worse would be him angry at me for a few days. You'd think I was putting her in fire and knives camp lol

[coolgal141]

I am sorry to hear your frustration regarding your husband's anxieties of not allowing your children socialize. Have you considered a family counselor, who can have an open ended discussion with you and your husband about how beneficial it would be for your children to socialize? Praying for you!

[Chardonnay Renée]

Sorry, let me clarify. He's more of a Sheldon Cooper type. Oblivious to everyday normalcies. He in no way has a disorder. I've been slowly ignoring all his ridiculous request for perfection and rules. Nothing as big as using shared funds to enroll her in a program. I think the worse would be him angry at me for a few days. You'd think I was putting her in fire and knives camp lol

 

And are you a bit like Amy? It must have been hard to even convince him to engage in coitus.

[basil67]

Sorry, let me clarify. He's more of a Sheldon Cooper type. Oblivious to everyday normalcies. He in no way has a disorder. I've been slowly ignoring all his ridiculous request for perfection and rules. Nothing as big as using shared funds to enroll her in a program. I think the worse would be him angry at me for a few days. You'd think I was putting her in fire and knives camp lol

 

Maria, Sheldon Cooper is the poster boy for Aspergers and OCD.

 

I agree that many kids are over scheduled these days, but what you're talking about isn't over scheduling. I don't think that 2.5yo kids *need* social activities, but I do think that the mothers of kids who are a handful need time out.

 

Just what are we talking about with your daughter's behaviour? Is it in the realms of regular terrible twos or is it something over and above?

 

Do you ever get a break?

[GunslingerRoland]

Sorry, let me clarify. He's more of a Sheldon Cooper type. Oblivious to everyday normalcies. He in no way has a disorder.

 

Jim Parsons has said he plays Sheldon Cooper with the assumption he has Autism. So if that is your best argument why your husband doesn't, I'd give this some serious thought.

[MJJean]

Your child needs to learn to be social with kids her age and you need a break. Just explain what you're doing, why you're doing it, and that you won't let your child be developmentally stunted because he has issues.

[Bittersweetie]

When my son was 2.5, he was enrolled in a morning program like you suggested. We did no other activities outside of school so in no way was he over-scheduled. The program was great for him. They provide a lot of social learning that is beneficial at that age, that prepares kids for kindergarten and regular school. Things that seem basic to us: lining up; taking turns; sitting in circle time with a group; listening and following direction; playing with others; snack time with others; etc. Is there a way you can sell the schooling as something your daughter will not be able to learn alone with you, that will prepare her for kindergarten?

 

Also, I agree with a PP to maybe see a family counselor. It sounds like you have very different approaches to raising a child, and if you're already butting heads at 2.5 years old, it's only going to get more difficult. It would be beneficial to the whole family to work on that now. GL.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My daughter is a handful and that is the most understated understatement anyone has ever uttered.

 

Had to isolate this sentence because it cracked me up so much. I can sooooo relate! I don't think anyone on this thread will disagree with you on this one, and all will agree some activities would be good for your daughter. I just wanted to encourage you that it won't always be this way with regard to your daughter's behavior....there's light at the end of the tunnel! With my son, that light didn't arrive until about age 7, but he's a very calm and obedient 14 year old now whose biggest "boo boo" in school last year was rough-housing and accidentally breaking a plastic chair . Hang in there, mama!

[Michelle ma Belle]

The last time I checked being in a relationship has two people.

 

Although I understand the need to not over schedule children, I strongly feel children, especially certain personality types, need to be socialized and some sooner the better.

 

If you feel your children need to be enrolled in some activities, then enroll them. I don't understand how one person can call the shots for everyone. At the very least there should be a discussion about finding a compromise.

 

As already said, HE is the one with the social issues, not your children. Enrolling them may mean the onus falls squarely on you to cart them to their activities. If it's that important to you then I think that would be a better compromise than not enrolling them in anything at all.

[whichwayisup]

My husband is a special kind of person. He's extremely intelligent which makes him rather inept to social situations. I suggested we put out 2.5 year old daughter into a summer program, a few hours a day a few days a week. His response was no I think she's too young and should stil be with her mom all day long. My daughter is a handful and that is the most understated understatement anyone has ever uttered. She misbehaves when she's bored and I think a day camp would benefit her. My husband actually said "sometimes it's not good to be around other people"'. Now, he has a my way or no way attitude about him. It's not fair that I'm the normal social one who wants to get my kids out there and experience new things but he looks at all of that as a negative. Regular average everyday activities he finds harmful. So I suggested karate or gymnastics and his response was "I don't want their entire lives scheduled". His social insecurities are hurting our children's ability to get out there and meet other kids and find something they enjoy. How do I approach this? I'm so close to saying screw your insecurities I'm doing it anyway. This is very frustrating especially for my kids.

 

Your child may be ready to be around other kids so and sending her to a daycare for a few hours or a camp for part of the day (maybe all day is too much) will be good for her as well as for you!

 

Your husband can't put his own issues on your child, that's just not right! Kids need to be stimulated, have experiences, learn how to deal with conflict, disappointment etc and he can't hold her back. He has to get a grip and compromise with you. Having the kids stay at home 24 hours a day is unhealthy for them!

 

Maybe he needs to go talk to someone about this, get counseling because the damage he could cause by being controlling and being over protective will be a very negative thing for your kids.

 

Maybe once he sees the kids thriving and being happy outside of the house, he'll change his mind. doesn't mean the kids have to have stuff scheduled every day but a few times a week really shouldn't be such a problem.

[misspalmy]

do u think it could be the money side?

[mikeylo]

How far is it ? Who will be taking the child up and down ? Are there more kids there ?

Maybe he has some doubts that you can clarify to him rather than just telling him that the child needs to go.

[BaileyB]

Putting your child in a summer program, a few hours a day for a few days a week, is not over scheduling your kids. It's providing her an opportunity to have some new experiences, spend time with other children her age, and learn very important play and social skills.

 

If he thinks this is bad, just wait until she gets into school and wants to participate in sports, or dance, or have friends... Life with kids will only get more busy for you...

 

It is also, an opportunity for a well deserved break for you. I would like to think that any husband would be supportive of that. Your husband is being unreasonable.

[preraph]

Your husband sounds antisocial and you can't let him dictate how you socialize the kids. Explain to him that he's not a good model for the social aspect like he is in other aspects and that you will take care of that part of it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I can't even express how important it is to socialize your kids early. I grew up with a "Sheldon Cooper" type of father and a very social mother. Dad had the last word though and we never had people over when I was a child and I haven't been exposed to other children (at all) until school.

 

Both me and my brother have later struggled with social anxiety problems and general lack of confidence. My mum says she regrets not pushing back back then.

[Miss Clavel]

once a child is talking and potty trained, esp. an only child, they are ready for "mommy's morning out".

 

if your husband has a problem with "letting go" and i suspect he does, he can go over to the "camp/preschool" and look it over. that way he can be sure that it's a safe environment.

 

whether he likes it or not, in most states, your child is going to school by age four. down here it's the law.

 

what's he going to do then?

 

i waited until mine could talk, which she did a little late. that way she could tell me all about her day. the place i shose allow me to drop in anytime without an appointment. i could "look in" whenever i wanted. i'm sure nowadays they've got cameras the parents can access online.

 

your husband has to face it. it's coming whether he likes it or not. and if he considers school to be "over scheduled, he's in for a surprise. i know i was.

 

i was the only mom that didn't have the kids in anything other then class. the others were playing sports, taking piano, dance and art lessons.

 

at age three.

 

all of that can come later, and tell your husband that. promise him that the two of you will discuss any after school activities before you enroll them.

 

you can always fib and say you spoke to the doctor and it's recommended that three year olds socialize away from home with kids their own age three times a week.

 

i took mine from 8am till noon on MWF and after the first day she didn't want to come home. and we have way better toys than the school. the teacher asked me to leave her there until two because she was making friends and they all wanted to eat lunch together. you know i didn't hesitate.

 

she had fun. she made friends and when the real first day of school arrived, she went off with very little hesitation and no tears.

 

good luck