He is demanding to go with me to my work event -- or accuses me of cheating

[howtosolvethis]

I feel kind of stupid to post this here, but I am in a very stressful situation.

 

First of all, I have been with my fiance for 3 years. Much of our relationship is great. But, we've been fighting a lot lately.

 

Last night, for example, I fell asleep after se*. He stayed up working in bed. I woke up around 12:15 and saw he was still on his computer. I said "what are you doing?" He said "working". I said "still?" He said "yes, and you are just going to have to deal with it and I heard him say "jesus fuc*ing Christ"

 

I mean I got dinner -- ate with him -- had sex with him -- went to sleep. It wasn't like I was nagging him.

 

Another problem is he is constantly accusing me of doing something wrong. For example, I will be texting (working from home) or emailing and he will try to be funny (but not) and say "I see what you are doing". Or "I saw that" -- maybe I deleted an email or something.

 

He will look at me as if I am doing something wrong. This morning, for example, I got out of the shower and while I was brushing my teeth -- he came into the closet and said "what are you doing?" I was looking at my clothes - to figure out what I was going to wear!

 

I kind of rolled my eyes and he said "you are acting strangely"

 

I was not.

 

And then there's the fact that he wants to attend all my work events. I haven't had him to one of my work events in a long time. He goes with me on most work trips -- and has been around my co-workers -- even eating with them.

 

But this friday we have a huge event that I put together. It is open to only a limited number of people in the industry. I'm sure my CEO and the Pres of the company might bring their spouse, but I need to be ON. I planned this event and have to see it through.

 

There are cocktails in the building After the event. And I know he will want to attend this. I don't want him to. I heard through the grapevine that some people at work think it's very odd that he has to go everywhere with me. And I don't want my CEOs to have this impression.

 

I gently told him this and he said FU*K them. They bring their wives -- why can't you? I said well, I am the employee. They are the bosses. He said FU*K them -- and if you put them and their opinion before me - there' something really wrong.

 

SO here's my concern. My event. It's 2 hours away. I want to go in the night before so I can prepare. Coincidentally, he and elderly parents are coming for his mom's bday to this town. (they didn't realize when it was booked that this was the case. In fact, my fiance still doesn't know much about this event for good reason).

 

IF i tell him I want to leave tomorrow and stay overnight without him -- he will blow up -- even though he will be coming the next day (Friday) to meet me with his family for her bday weekend.

 

We have had this thing -- HE has this thing - -that we never sleep apart. So, this would be a big deal for me to push. He will accuse me of cheating. He already has said I'm acting "strange". He will tell me that he's done and can't deal with my behavior. He will try all the tactics and they ususally work on me.

 

It's a double edge sword because if I hold firm on this -- he will make my life living hell by threatening the relationship (he told me he was leaving me last week over another fight). And that's going to cause me stress.

 

OR I could deal with him going -- and have the stress of him at my work event. I'm not sure what to do.

 

I love him. I hate when he feels this sense of me cheating, when all I'm doing is trying to be good at work. He sees the sinister in everything.

 

How would you deal with this? Even this morning, when I told him I was going to be tied up with work friday at an event, he said who is going to be there? I said i'm actually not 100 percent sure of all the people who will speak. He said "you know, you just don't want me to know -- cause you probably want to meet someone and look single"

 

I googled around on this topic and found a few articles on men/women who were prevented from being involved in their spouses work life. And it gave me some reverence for the issue. I don't want to hurt his feelings. Because of the demands he puts on me, I notice he will invite me to events that I don't belong. I have started to decline them because I feel it's weird and awkward for me.

 

I just don't know what to do. I honestly expect him to tell me again - that he thinks I'm cheating, trying to meet someone or something close and threaten again to end the relationship, if I say I want to go tomorrow night by myself (he has to work Friday morning) or I would invite him, as always.

 

What do you suggest?

[aileD]

I suggest you talk to a counselor about how to extricate yourself from this abusive relationship.

[mikeylo]

It's likely that you might have changed a bit from before and he is equating it to cheating. If you read the internet , there are so many signs that a partner usually misses initially. He has probably become paranoid. Or someone might have filled his mind with some doubt. Such person would be someone who is extremely jealous of your relationship.

Now to figure out what's making him do this , is a lot of drama but it needs to be sorted.

 

As for your event , if you can take him along for now then take him , after that sit and talk to him. Don't get married till this is sorted.

[knabe]

He's being unreasonable and has been reading too much Reddit. You are IN CHARGE of this event - the host. If he doesn't get that, he's being selfish.

 

As for the rest, he sounds manipulative and controlling. I'd tell him exactly how all of this makes you feel. And request counseling. If he goes berzerk, then I would leave.

[howtosolvethis]

Well, here is what happened --

 

He and I broke up at one point and my bosses found out because we are a close knit group. They mentioned how unusual they felt it was that he attended

my work events and conferences -- as if he was an employee.

 

So at the last event when we got back together -- i brought him to the hotel but I told him my bosses wouldn't let him into the event itself.

 

He became very angry and told me he would be searching in the lobby and if he saw my CEO he will make sure to let him know he's a hypocrite etc etc.

 

So, I am very concerned about taking him to the event. He said he won't say anything bad -- but he won't "take ****"

 

So --- do you really think it's smart for me to take him to this?

 

 

 

It's likely that you might have changed a bit from before and he is equating it to cheating. If you read the internet , there are so many signs that a partner usually misses initially. He has probably become paranoid. Or someone might have filled his mind with some doubt. Such person would be someone who is extremely jealous of your relationship.

Now to figure out what's making him do this , is a lot of drama but it needs to be sorted.

 

As for your event , if you can take him along for now then take him , after that sit and talk to him. Don't get married till this is sorted.

[Birdies]

This kind of irrational controlling behavior is emotional abuse and often escalates into physical abuse. It's also common that the person who is doing the accusing is actually deflecting from their OWN cheating.

 

Please get out of this relationship before he controls and ruins your life, and/or hurts you. Seriously. This is 10000% wrong and scary behavior.

[mikeylo]

Well, here is what happened --

 

He and I broke up at one point and my bosses found out because we are a close knit group. They mentioned how unusual they felt it was that he attended

my work events and conferences -- as if he was an employee.

 

So at the last event when we got back together -- i brought him to the hotel but I told him my bosses wouldn't let him into the event itself.

 

He became very angry and told me he would be searching in the lobby and if he saw my CEO he will make sure to let him know he's a hypocrite etc etc.

 

So, I am very concerned about taking him to the event. He said he won't say anything bad -- but he won't "take ****"

 

So --- do you really think it's smart for me to take him to this?

 

No. If this is the case then NO.

 

What are you going to do if he comes uninvited ?

[howtosolvethis]

i pray to God he won't -- and if I tell him NOT to do that -- I think he will be more apt to do it!

 

What would you do if you were me? I just need to feel balanced and secure and I feel that can't happen at this point ANY way I cut it.

 

I just worry if my bosses see him at ALL and know that we are back together - that it will hurt me.