Still Can't Get Over Her, The Nightmares Won't Stop, What Can I Do?

[Hituro]

So it's been a little over 2 months since she broke up with me. I've spent many a sleepless night over her, I know it's a silly thing to do but love is really messy. I constantly keep having nightmares about her finding some new guy. And I mean, I shouldn't be bothering myself with these thoughts but I can't really control my dreams, it's like my subconcious is taunting me... Well, these past few months she's been veyr good to me, she still keeps me close to her, we still spend time together. Recently we've been very affectionate at times, that often leading to love making and what not. I mean I can feel it in her, in her eyes in her body, I know she still cares for me.

 

I've talked to her about this, and she tells me she just isn't sure what she wants, she cares about me, but she's so confused. I think she feels that if she commits she's going to miss out on something great. She once told me I was the best thing that ever happened to her... but I guess now if she wonders if something else better is out there... well that's why she broke up with me anyway.

 

The hardest part about all this, is that in 4 weeks she is moving to England to live as an Au Pair (nanny) for about a year. Yeah, you're probably thinking "wow just let her go and move on". But I just can't do it that easily, I love this girl with all of my heart. I've had several very serious relationships but this one is the one I would go through Hell and back for.

 

Her whole reasoning on going to England is that it's her mom's homeland. A few years back her mom passed away from cancer, her mom did so much with her life, even if she was given such a short time. And she feels that she should try to live her life to the fullest as well, so she does not regret anything from life. Her mom always wanted to take her to England, so I guess this is her way of doing that.

 

But I can't help but think "omg... she is going to find some English guy..." I know I have no control over that. I've talked with her and she's told me she really would like to get back together and try things again once she gets back from England, but she doesn't want to promise anything. So I don't know if she's just scared she wouldn't be able to handle the long distance, and is just keeping her distance to keep the pain to a minimum, or if she's going there with the idea that she might meet some charming English prince with a dreamy accent and really bad teeth.

 

I'd like to say "eh! she's missing out on me! I best find better water" But I like these waters. They feel like home to me. And I know I love her so much, but what am I to do? I cannot make her love me. For weeks I kept trying to figure out what I did to mess things up, but that didn't get me anywhere, the issue is within her and I know I just have to wait it out and live my life and see where things are when she returns. I wish I could help her see that what we had was truly wonderful and worth keeping. If only she could see what I see when we're together. Maybe I'm the one who needs to see things for what they really are.. I don't know. Sorry if this was lengthy, any advice will greatly help me, this is the hardest thing I've faced so far in my life. I know that doesn't sound like much, but it is literally tearing me apart from the seams.