9 year relationship breakup

[jonnymafioso]

Hi all,

 

I am currently looking for guidance from anyone. Me(33) and my gf(36) were in a 9 year relationship until last may. I broke it off because she was texting a co-worker and had lost trust in her. We had 2 prior instances where we were separated and got back together. Both of us had seen someone else for a short while (rebound i suppose).

 

This past year i was upset and we were living together still but we still did bf/gf type stuf (sleeping together, going places, etc) she wanted to reconcile and i was still hesitant and decided to focus on my career more. Long story short we had a bad argument one day and i told her i didn't love her anymore, but never apologized for it. I had a flirting encounter with a coworker in march and it never went anywhere cuz i couldnt bear the thought of sleeping with her and hurting my girlfriend. It's at that point where i knew i still loved my ex and wanted to reconcile, i had done this before where i had left, and asked her back to work things out.

 

THIS PAST May she went to a music festival 3 hours away and was apparently paranoid about how i might be sleeping with someone while she was gone. A friend had told her "so what? youre broken up, go sleep with someone" -- turns out she did that night. This was right when i wanted to reconcile. And, the next night. I found out about this by snooping her facebook and she said she needed a distraction from me. However, she is continuning to see this person, who lives 3 hours away. In the end, she said i was a great guy but barely complimented her, or gave her the attention she needed, and, that the sex was lackluster, whereas the sex with this person is great.

 

I also found out she had told this guy EVERYTING about us the weekend they first met and hooked up. So it's like he knows exactly what to do. It sickens me. She said she still loves me but is going to stand her ground this time and enjoy the single life. She hasn't even given herself space yet and is already sleeping with this guy and having "actual fun dates" <-- this is what she told me in anger. apparently, i didn't do enough fun things with her either. I moved out and things are so different now. Is this a rebound for her? Is there any hope for us? I understand that we've had seperations, but a 9 year relationship can have it's ups and downs. And I want to make things right and take care of her for life.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry to say, she has told you loudly and clearly exactly where you and your relationship stands. And she even said she's going to stand her ground this time.

 

I think you need to listen to what she is telling you. It's over.

 

In this relationship there's been 2 separations already. That is a sign my friend. It is a sign that you two are not a good match. A good relationship between 2 trusting, loving partners should not have separation, and certainly not twice! The writing is on the wall here. It's not meant to be. Even if she does change her mind (which seems incredibly unlikely) I don't see it lasting very long.

 

The best thing you can do for now is to say to her, "OK". And move on.

[jonnymafioso]

Preface as to who she is character-wise: She has abandoment issues, and can't be alone.

[jonnymafioso]

Sorry to say, she has told you loudly and clearly exactly where you and your relationship stands. And she even said she's going to stand her ground this time.

 

I think you need to listen to what she is telling you. It's over.

 

In this relationship there's been 2 separations already. That is a sign my friend. It is a sign that you two are not a good match. A good relationship between 2 trusting, loving partners should not have separation, and certainly not twice! The writing is on the wall here. It's not meant to be. Even if she does change her mind (which seems incredibly unlikely) I don't see it lasting very long.

 

The best thing you can do for now is to say to her, "OK". And move on.

 

She said that she still loves me and misses me, that she doesn't want to get hurt. She said she is still dealing with the hurt from everything that happened. My gut tells me there is still a chance. She blew up my phone trying to get in touch with me yesterday and messaged me repeatedly asking how i was doing. Is any of this a sign of hope?

[vickyp]

forgive me for asking a dumb question. This is my first time where i was unlucky in meeting someone horrible. My question is, what is the difference between separation and taking a break?

[PegNosePete]

Is any of this a sign of hope?

Well, why don't you ask her? Instead of analysing every little morsel she throws your way and trying to read hidden signals she may or may not be sending, ask for a straight yes/no answer.

 

I think I know what it'll be, though.

 

what is the difference between separation and taking a break?

In practical terms: absolutely nothing.

 

Dumpers often use "taking a break" as a way of softening the blow, so the dumpee doesn't get so upset. But in reality it hurts more in the long run, as the dumpee is left hanging onto false hope.

[vickyp]

Well, why don't you ask her? Instead of analysing every little morsel she throws your way and trying to read hidden signals she may or may not be sending, ask for a straight yes/no answer.

 

I think I know what it'll be, though.

 

 

In practical terms: absolutely nothing.

 

Dumpers often use "taking a break" as a way of softening the blow, so the dumpee doesn't get so upset. But in reality it hurts more in the long run, as the dumpee is left hanging onto false hope.

 

 

Thank you for the break down.

[jonnymafioso]

Well, why don't you ask her? Instead of analysing every little morsel she throws your way and trying to read hidden signals she may or may not be sending, ask for a straight yes/no answer.

 

I think I know what it'll be, though.

 

Oh, im sure it'll be no. But to me, that's primarily based on the fact that she is enamored with this new toy that lives 3 hours away.

 

You seem experienced, is what she doing constituting as a long distance rebound? I mean she literally didn't take the time by herself to move on from this, so to me, it seems shes masking her true feelings here, and is hot and cold with me. She also told other people she's worried she might have made a big mistake, but at the same time, won't stop...

[Miss Peach]

Based on what you posted here, it seems like you put her on the sheld, wasn't sure how you felt (said you didn't love her), etc. Exactly what indication did you give her that you wanted her and things would be different. I can totally see why she doesn't want to give you another chance at this point - especially with another option on the table.

 

With the new guy, it might not be anything more than 'new relationship energy' or NRE. But it doesn't sound like she has a good reason to come back based on what you posted. It sounds like you hurt her and didn't give her much to think it was going anywhere good.

[Maldives]

With the new guy, it might not be anything more than 'new relationship energy' or NRE. But it doesn't sound like she has a good reason to come back based on what you posted. It sounds like you hurt her and didn't give her much to think it was going anywhere good.

 

 

I think the above may be a valid point ...

[PegNosePete]

is what she doing constituting as a long distance rebound?

It doesn't matter.

 

She made it quite clear that your relationship is over.

 

You need to stop analysing her behaviour and motivations and new relationship so much. Even if they break up tomorrow, do you think she'll comeback to you? Sorry, it's just not going to happen.