Intrepidcaribou Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 I've been infatuated with him for three years. We live in a town with 10000 people. I'm 30 years old, he's 40. We work together, but not in the same building. He lives down the street from me and I see him all the time. I know his wife. She's totally awesome. I'm part of their social circle and get invited out with them. He doesn't know I'm attracted to him. I love my friends, job, and community, but my feelings for this man have left me depressed. I'm not interested in dating, am celibate (have been for 9 years), but unfortunately, I'm not asexual. I'm also the only person in my social circle who is single. I'm currently interviewing for a job 2000 km away. It pays about $10000 more per year and is a bit of a step up. Should I take it if I get it? I don't see these feelings going away. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 If the move grows your life and career prospects, IMO go for it. It will also test the extent of your infatuation. If the attachment proves stubborn even after changing demographics I'd get help with it. Learn some tools to process it out. Usually, a change of scenery and meeting new people and accepting dating invitations and socializing with other men will process it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intrepidcaribou Posted June 29, 2017 Author Share Posted June 29, 2017 (edited) I think it may grow my career prospects, but not really my life prospects. I spent years where I was living in big cities, unable to make friends. Now I have friends and am afraid that I will end up in a situation where I'm thousands of kms away from everyone and friendless - especially since most people my age are in relationships. The lifestyle where I live is comfortable and fun. Mountains, natural beauty, community events, everyone knows every else. I make $75,000 per year right now and like my job, so it's not as if I'm hard up for work. This community 2000 km away is a suburban, conservative town. The industry interests me, but not the town. Edited June 29, 2017 by Intrepidcaribou Added info Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 Without knowing specifics, can this change be considered a stop along the path? IOW, not a place to die, but rather a job to work, people to interact with, perhaps socialize with and enjoy and then move on to the next stop? I moved into an area that I liked but not really knowing anyone. Turns out one of my neighbors retired from my trade and another lady neighbor apparently escaped the hectic lifestyle of SoCal for the forests of OR, much as I did. Time goes by, stuff happens and life proceeds. Any past infatuations, romances, and my marriage are now but a distant and dim memory. Sure, there's still thoughts of a few MW's I interact with floating around but those tools help recognize them for what they are, floating around, then they are cast loose and float away until the next time, the emotional content divorced from the thoughts. This is part of the tool. Accept the real. Thoughts are real. Feelings are real. Sure, they're in our minds but our mind is our reality. We control where it goes. Smile, be glad you have the capacity to feel infatuation and love and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 Only you can answer this. I'd suggest making a list of pros & cons about leaving v staying. Hopefully that will clarify things for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intrepidcaribou Posted June 29, 2017 Author Share Posted June 29, 2017 (edited) Before I moved to where I am now 3.5 years ago, I was making $40,000 a year, living in a big city, working contract jobs, carless, friendless, and taking care of my Xanax-addicted mother. Now I have a cat, a condo, a car, a beautiful community, friends, a great job, and financial security. I'm terrified of giving it all up because of my obsession with one man. The only thing this job has going for it is a) this man is not there and b) I'm interested in the industry. And there's no way of saying it won't happen again with some other married man. Edited June 29, 2017 by Intrepidcaribou 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Little-Wolf Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 Is there any way you could fly out temporarily and see what it's like? Get a taste of the job? Perhaps offer to do an unpaid day or two, to see if you like it? That's what my brother did after he was afraid to leave his mundane but financially stable job for a more exciting one. He know loves his life and is glad he took the risk. Personally, I would do it. If I had the money and wasn't so attatched to my family, I'd leave for another country tomorrow. I'm self-employed so can work anywhere, and a change of scenery away from my ex and my terrible "friends" means I'd start fresh. Goodluck, OP! Only you know the answer to this. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 29, 2017 Share Posted June 29, 2017 It seems like a drastic way to get over some guy. You have built a life where you are. By leaving on some level he's "winning" because you are upending your whole life. In essence you are running away. I wouldn't do it. You're heart is not into relocating. ignore him & enjoy the job / life you have. Lots of people stay put after a break up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whatnot Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 something's goin' on.... me too...only different....(lookin' at buying a boat that i'm uncomfortable buying because of it's price....but....it's invigorating, and gives one a sort of excitement in an otherwise "bored" existence. It's the challenge. The unknown....the "can I do this?"....we want what we can't have... there's a way around your situation....it involves getting back to what makes you happy with less..... does me fwiw....I know my way out....you'll find yours as well... ...the reality of a relationship with the man of your fantasies isn't what you want Link to post Share on other sites
whatnot Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 (edited) you have to learn a way of learning that....without having to actually do it to learn it.... that's what I'm doing (I think) I don't know if you can run from this with peace from it Edited June 30, 2017 by whatnot Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intrepidcaribou Posted June 30, 2017 Author Share Posted June 30, 2017 One of my biggest fears is if I run away from my attraction to this man I'll just end up infatuated with some other married man and I'll have blown up a perfectly wonderful life for nothing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatnot Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 One of my biggest fears is if I run away from my attraction to this man I'll just end up infatuated with some other married man and I'll have blown up a perfectly wonderful life for nothing.not an unfounded fear....one man's opinion....could definitely be wrong......you're wanting what you know's not good for you if you were to get it....not uncommon.....but.... Link to post Share on other sites
whatnot Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 you gotta find a way of feelin' the heat without touchin' the fire.... experiencing what the reality could do to you....without going through with it. tricky here... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intrepidcaribou Posted June 30, 2017 Author Share Posted June 30, 2017 (edited) not an unfounded fear....one man's opinion....could definitely be wrong......you're wanting what you know's not good for you if you were to get it....not uncommon.....but.... I know this man, even if he wasn't married, is totally wrong for me. We're both dominant, loud, inappropriate - exactly the same. He's also very masculine, beautifully dressed, too clever for his own good, arrogant, very funny and very tough (ex-military). I've had two other major crushes in my life, one in university, one in high school, which only ended because I moved. The high school guy was a jerk, the uni guy turned out to be unsuccessful and last I heard he was working for his mother. Edited June 30, 2017 by Intrepidcaribou Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 Itrepidcaribou, I don't get how living in a place where your entire social life is wrapped up in a group that consists of a married man you've been infatuated with for three years is a lifestyle you consider wonderful! Sounds miserable to me. The only thing the new place has to offer is a step up in your career with a salary raise and a new beginning that has no married man you're infatuated with in it? Sounds great to me and I'd jump on it in your place! You're worried about getting infatuated with a married man in the new place and being in the same fix so that's a reason you're hesitant to go? How about setting boundaries for yourself in your interaction with married men? That approach works well for many single women. Link to post Share on other sites
whatnot Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 I know this man, even if he wasn't married, is totally wrong for me. We're both dominant, loud, inappropriate - exactly the same. He's also very masculine, beautifully dressed, too clever for his own good, arrogant, very funny and very tough (ex-military). I've had two other major crushes in my life, one in university, one in high school, which only ended because I moved. The high school guy was a jerk, the uni guy turned out to be unsuccessful and last I heard he was working for his mother.the boat costs half of my net worth...(and I've lived along time...so it's there) I put an offer in on it today. The reality of doing that has me knowing that I cannot .... personality wise.....do what I've been dreamin' of doin' for a while now. But...the experience of doing this....has made living without it....I'm good with it. It's making having a boat this big...I'm good without it... (happy even...without it). with you...something's goin' on with particular dynamics of a relationship with a man....that's makin' you....obsess about this. (I know this does you no good...just thinkin' out loud here) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intrepidcaribou Posted June 30, 2017 Author Share Posted June 30, 2017 Itrepidcaribou, I don't get how living in a place where your entire social life is wrapped up in a group that consists of a married man you've been infatuated with for three years is a lifestyle you consider wonderful! Sounds miserable to me. How about setting boundaries for yourself in your interaction with married men? That approach works well for many single women. I didn't know his was married for about 6 months since he doesn't wear a ring. Setting "boundaries" is difficult since I see him at the grocery store every other week. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whatnot Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 you need to go find you more than one man to play with.....without them knowing..... (flame suit on...they get put on a certain age....automatically...so no worries here) Link to post Share on other sites
whatnot Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 I didn't know his was married for about 6 months since he doesn't wear a ring. Setting "boundaries" is difficult since I see him at the grocery store every other week. You may not be as screwed up as you believe you are. If you didn't know he was married...and you got a crush on him back then. I don't think this is pathological with you....at first I thought so Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intrepidcaribou Posted June 30, 2017 Author Share Posted June 30, 2017 You may not be as screwed up as you believe you are. If you didn't know he was married...and you got a crush on him back then. I don't think this is pathological with you....at first I thought so This is first crush I've ever had on someone who was attached. The other two men were single Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 I didn't know his was married for about 6 months since he doesn't wear a ring. Setting "boundaries" is difficult since I see him at the grocery store every other week. Wasn't talking about setting boundaries with him. Was talking about setting boundaries in a new place at your new job. You mentioned you're fearful of finding yourself in the same situation at a new place. Well, don't find yourself there by setting boundaries with men until you find out if they're single or not. Shouldn't take a rocket scientist to find if a man's single or married with or without a ring. Just don't go there in your mind until you're certain he's single. Seems to me you really don't have a problem but rather an opportunity you're rationalizing away. Moving is, for you, a win/win! Career advancement while getting away from a sticky situation. Your fantasy man makes your social circle toxic for you, not a warm fuzzy circle of friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intrepidcaribou Posted June 30, 2017 Author Share Posted June 30, 2017 Also losing all my friends and not being able to make new ones now that I'm over 30. I've gone though long stretches in my life where I've had no friends and just drank every night. Connecting with people is hard since I am on a completely different trajectory (celibate, no relationship history). But I have friends now which is nice. Also asking if a guy is married is very difficult in a small town where everyone knows each other. Every crush I have had has had a negative impact on my life (depression, embarrassment, having to somehow alter my life to avoid him). It would be easier if I stopped being attracted to men altogether, but that's not entirely possible. I've gone out on about a dozen dates, but but zero physical attraction. After a bad experience, I told myself at 21 I would never go out with a man I was attracted to again, and I haven't dated ever since. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 You can get over this guy without upending your whole life. First change your routine. Go to a different grocery store or at least go on a different day or at a different time. Viola you won't run into him any more. When you see him internally start a mantra: he's married & bad for me. Silently chant that in your head whenever you encounter him. When I was younger (your age) I liked the same type you do. They are a dime a dozen. You will find another one. As I got older I realized that a healthy relationship couldn't be based on a competition. I enjoyed sparring with cocky men. When I toned it down, they toned it down. Eventually I said to the universe please send me a good man who is strong enough to let me be weak. I was getting tired of always being the strong one. My husband is one of the strongest men I know but he's quiet. He's happy to let me run around & be the extrovert I am but he's there & when things get rough, he's my anchor. It's so much healthier. Do something else to shake up your life a little. Take up a hobby, preferably one that involves others: go hiking, join a discussion group, play a team sport, volunteer some where. As you expand your social circle, you will meet new people, preferably single ones. At a minimum you have to stop thinking he's the last guy on earth Link to post Share on other sites
Justme48 Posted June 30, 2017 Share Posted June 30, 2017 Have you considered a counseling session with a pastor or counselor to help you see clearly through your choices? Maybe an impartial outside voice is just what you need to help you through this decision. I think the move seems like a great idea and a fresh start is sometimes just what is needed to change the way you look at life and make necessary changes for the better. Praying you find some direction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Intrepidcaribou Posted June 30, 2017 Author Share Posted June 30, 2017 You can get over this guy without upending your whole life. First change your routine. Go to a different grocery store or at least go on a different day or at a different time. Viola you won't run into him any more. When you see him internally start a mantra: he's married & bad for me. Silently chant that in your head whenever you encounter him. When I was younger (your age) I liked the same type you do. They are a dime a dozen. You will find another one. As I got older I realized that a healthy relationship couldn't be based on a competition. I enjoyed sparring with cocky men. When I toned it down, they toned it down. Eventually I said to the universe please send me a good man who is strong enough to let me be weak. I was getting tired of always being the strong one. My husband is one of the strongest men I know but he's quiet. He's happy to let me run around & be the extrovert I am but he's there & when things get rough, he's my anchor. It's so much healthier. Do something else to shake up your life a little. Take up a hobby, preferably one that involves others: go hiking, join a discussion group, play a team sport, volunteer some where. As you expand your social circle, you will meet new people, preferably single ones. At a minimum you have to stop thinking he's the last guy on earth Does this actually work. Has this every worked for anyone? This guy is embedded in the fabric of my life (his wife too, they don't have kids). Work sort of together, live in the same neighbourhood, have the same friends. Town has one grocery store, one theatre, one Walmart. His wife and I are Girl Guide leaders together. I've never been in a relationship and don't plan on dating ever again Link to post Share on other sites
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