My story again... I have to find a way through this. NC starting today.

[NikonRN]

I have known my MM for 25 years. We were both married before and at the end of both of our marriages. We met at work and bonded over our similar upbringings and traumas as children. We also bonded over the fact that we married for "safety" reasons and not love, due to our baggage from childhood. I loved this man wholeheartedly, the only one I have truly loved. He was/is my soulmate...but back then, I was still so screwed up emotionally and never told him nor he me. We managed along, single, not together. I finally said goodbye when his childhood demons and alcoholism got the best of him and with my baggage, I couldn't handle both of us. It wasn't long after that he disappeared, I thought he was dead, he was that gone, both physically and health-wise.

 

After that, I married for "safety" again. Not particularly in love but a good man and good father. I occasionally looked for MM, finding him in another state(yay he was alive) but nothing really came of it. He went on and continued as a drunk for many many years. Even marrying someone 10 years his senior (finding out later she lied about her age), but she was supportive, and let him do whatever he wanted. His words, he "settled". And they have been co-existing/co-dependent for 14 years.

 

17 years after we last saw each other, he appeared on social media, and I said "Hi" and wished him well. I have been divorced 5 years from the safe man who turned out to have serious anger issues that I couldn't deal with. He told me the situation with his marriage. He told me he has been sober for 5 years (which he is, hugely active in recovery efforts for himself and others in his current home town. The conversations started flowing like they used to only without the alcohol. He also told me that he has loved me forever, knew we belonged together, social stalked me for years to see how I was but had to stay and deal with his decision to marry someone he wasn't in love with but supported him in his bid to get clean and sober.

 

Everything emotion-wise we held in way back when, came out, we shared all the feelings and fought hard to resist, but eventually gave in and initiated the affair. He's come home several times. His elder family lives here. I've been out there to where he lives several times. We've shared everything etc. He stated he would die if he ever lost me, we've gone back and forth with NC but not breaking up.

 

I read all these stories and half of me wants to believe in him with some of things he's told me about us, and the emotions. Hell, he remembered stuff from years ago that I barely remembered. Guys dont do that to this detail. The other, non trusting normal me, wants to kick him to the curb again until he picks me. He picked alcohol before and I dont expect him to pick me over the stability he has in his current situation. She controls everything since he is a discharged vet with medical issues. He has mentioned that more than once.

 

I love this man, have only loved him. But the situation and timing always sucks for us. I've tried to let him go. My gut is screaming to save myself. There are days I feel manipulated and played for no reason other than a feeling. Other days, I feel loved like no other. I'm doing my damnedest to do what's best for me, but I keep failing. I made myself more vulnerable to him than any other human and I think that's why I can't let him go.

I've been in counseling, I know what brought me here and to him, and I'm making steps to heal myself from my past but the letting him go part.....I don't know how I can, unless I actually see something or hear something that goes against any thing he has said. I am a mess.

Edited July 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~T

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Very often in recovery one addiction is traded for another. Make sure you're not it. Risk taking, emotional highs AND lows, limerance, fantasy of what might be, all can take the place of drugs or alcohol and are not healthy behaviors. Beware.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I've been in counseling, I know what brought me here and to him, and I'm making steps to heal myself from my past but the letting him go part.....I don't know how I can, unless I actually see something or hear something that goes against any thing he has said. I am a mess.

 

In response to the bolded, "Do his actions align or go against what he has said?"

[NikonRN]

In response to the bolded, "Do his actions align or go against what he has said?"

 

Every time there is no contact, my mind goes into overthink mode. The reasons for no contact are verifiable with work, etc. but there are times I drive myself crazy thinking everything has been a lie. He is retired but took a job to help a friend out and to keep him from isolating in his house. It's tourist season and they are slammed so our contact is less right now. He gets in touch a few days later and my worries seem unfounded, but I can't live like this anymore. I just had a major surgery and realized how lonely I am with all this. This is going to send me to an early grave.

[misspalmy]

its like a drug when u cant talk to them. i had to block my ex mm. due to his wife play a nasty game on me. needing a dna test from my mm

[LivingWaterPlease]

Every time there is no contact, my mind goes into overthink mode. The reasons for no contact are verifiable with work, etc. but there are times I drive myself crazy thinking everything has been a lie. He is retired but took a job to help a friend out and to keep him from isolating in his house. It's tourist season and they are slammed so our contact is less right now. He gets in touch a few days later and my worries seem unfounded, but I can't live like this anymore. I just had a major surgery and realized how lonely I am with all this. This is going to send me to an early grave.

 

What I meant by, "Do his actions align with his words," is if he's telling you he loves you more than he loves anyone else and yet, isn't with you, is with someone else, then to me, his actions aren't aligning with his words.

 

Nothing personal, I was asking you this question so that you could see that his words mean little.

 

For whatever reasons he's with his wife, fact remains that that is where he wants to be. When he'd rather be with you he'll make the changes necessary to do so. In the meantime, seems to me you're hurting yourself by being involved with him. And, not to be accusatory toward you, but really think about it...his wife is being hurt, too. And, with both of you being hurt at the same time, this really isn't good for your MM. At some point it will all blow up in his face. Every one of you will be hurt.

 

Why not let him go, heal, and find someone who is single to be with?

Edited July 1, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[NikonRN]

What I meant by, "Do his actions align with his words," is if he's telling you he loves you more than he loves anyone else and yet, isn't with you, is with someone else, then to me, his actions aren't aligning with his words.

 

Nothing personal, I was asking you this question so that you could see that his words mean little.

 

For whatever reasons he's with his wife, fact remains that that is where he wants to be. When he'd rather be with you he'll make the changes necessary to do so. In the meantime, seems to me you're hurting yourself by being involved with him. And, not to be accusatory toward you, but really think about it...his wife is being hurt, too. And, with both of you being hurt at the same time, this really isn't good for your MM. At some point it will all blow up in his face. Every one of you will be hurt.

 

Why not let him go, heal, and find someone who is single to be with?

 

I've loved this guy for so long, him single, me single,both married, one married, I haven't been able to shut it off during that time, after reconnecting, and putting everything on the table, it's harder. He knows what he needs to do to be ultimately happy but with the purse strings in her hands and him apparently afraid to be confrontational with her about it....he made a choice. I have to make the choice now too, but not to find someone else....to be single. I'm just frozen.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I've loved this guy for so long, him single, me single,both married, one married, I haven't been able to shut it off during that time, after reconnecting, and putting everything on the table, it's harder. He knows what he needs to do to be ultimately happy but with the purse strings in her hands and him apparently afraid to be confrontational with her about it....he made a choice. I have to make the choice now too, but not to find someone else....to be single. I'm just frozen.

 

Right, it would be best to heal from the damage done to you by having an affair with him before getting involved with someone else.

 

I am so sorry you're suffering.

 

For me, the only way I've been able to survive broken relationships and get through the pain is by prayer and staying in the Bible to get to know God. That has been a source of great strength for me having gone through a divorce and a broken engagement. The divorce particularly was extremely heartbreaking but God got me through it and I have thrived because of His help.

 

He can do the same for you and anyone else.

[elaine567]

I think you need to stop romanticising and start looking at it all objectively.

The man is still with his wife not because she holds the purse strings or he's somehow afraid of telling her. He WANTS to stay with her.

He chose to stay, and if he can have you on the side too, then so much the better.

 

I hate to burst your bubble but your story isn't uncommon.

Married man finds the "love of his life " on social media. "I never forgot you", "You were always on my mind", "You were the "love of my life, my soulmate, the one that got away".

This story appeals a lot to women, who tend to want to believe in true love everlasting, and find the ego stroke irresistible too.

 

He thus manages to rekindle the relationship and because he is "unfortunately" married, he has to make an OW out of her, and when the chips are down tells her, "I cannot leave my wife..."

 

- "Oh but I thought I was the love of your life?????"

 

Truth is married men, bored with their marriage look around for an OW, but OWs are often difficult to find, so he pops up on social media looking for old HS sweethearts, old gfs, ex wives, old work colleagues etc. Women who may be single, newly separated/divorced or in "horrible" marriages - lonely and vulnerable, in the hope that she will have some lingering affection for him and he can then persuade her to sleep with him on the side...~

 

You need to free yourself from this, by rewriting that "love story" in your head, and start seeing it for what it truly is.

[NikonRN]

Well, going on day 3 of NC so....it just hurts. I've cut him off but I don't know if I can maintain.

[Overtaxed]

I think you need to stop romanticising and start looking at it all objectively.

The man is still with his wife not because she holds the purse strings or he's somehow afraid of telling her. He WANTS to stay with her.

He chose to stay, and if he can have you on the side too, then so much the better.

 

I hate to burst your bubble but your story isn't uncommon.

Married man finds the "love of his life " on social media. "I never forgot you", "You were always on my mind", "You were the "love of my life, my soulmate, the one that got away".

This story appeals a lot to women, who tend to want to believe in true love everlasting, and find the ego stroke irresistible too.

 

He thus manages to rekindle the relationship and because he is "unfortunately" married, he has to make an OW out of her, and when the chips are down tells her, "I cannot leave my wife..."

 

- "Oh but I thought I was the love of your life?????"

 

Truth is married men, bored with their marriage look around for an OW, but OWs are often difficult to find, so he pops up on social media looking for old HS sweethearts, old gfs, ex wives, old work colleagues etc. Women who may be single, newly separated/divorced or in "horrible" marriages - lonely and vulnerable, in the hope that she will have some lingering affection for him and he can then persuade her to sleep with him on the side...~

 

You need to free yourself from this, by rewriting that "love story" in your head, and start seeing it for what it truly is.

 

^^ Just about everything you need to know.

 

I, or Blues, or one of the other gentlemen here can fill in a more complete version of this if you'd like, but what Elaine said is short, concise, to the point, and, most importantly, almost certainly right.

[freengreen]

Elaine is spot on.

 

Its like claiming you are rich because you have got huge farms and 'live' stock.. in farmville.

 

Get out of it and see the reality of life, even if it stinks it is atleast real, how we waste our REAL life for something which is fantasised is just unbeleivable...I was in the league before.

 

Goodluck on NC. Hopefully you wont drag yourself ( yes ,NO ONE ELSE CAN) into it again.

[jah526]

Its like claiming you are rich because you have got huge farms and 'live' stock.. in farmville.

 

Good analogy freengreen! Thanks for the laugh.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Well, going on day 3 of NC so....it just hurts. I've cut him off but I don't know if I can maintain.

 

Good for you, NikonRN!!!! You are on the road to living in reality! Love the analogy of farmville. Think it was freengreen's?

[angel.eyes]

I hope you re-read Elaine's post multiple times! Talk is cheap. Focus on people's choices and actions.

 

Should he ever need surgery, his wife will be there to hold his hand. He'll be there for his wife in the same situation. You're about to have surgery. Who is going to hold your hand???

 

Please lose the rose-colored glasses and take a hard look at his choices and the reality of your situation. Despite all the sweet nothings about you being the love of his life and the fairytale romance you've built in your mind, he never married you! You were both single at one point. You were already fooling around with each other. Yet rather than show the world you were the love of his life once he was single and free, he disappeared and turned up married to his second wife.

 

Who sees him more now? His second wife. Who does he live with? His second wife. Who does he openly socialize with? His second wife. Despite knowing you 25 years, you remain hidden--his secret. Only he knows why, but you're not serious relationship material in his eyes. Someone who's good for a little side action, fun and excitement? Yes, that's been you over the 25 years he's known you. A life partner? For whatever reason, regardless of what he might say to get you all hot and bothered, his choices highlight that he doesn't see you in that role.

 

Please think about that whenever you're tempted to reach out to him. He's wasted your time for a quarter century and will continue to do so as long as you allow it. His wife gets him full time. You get crumbs whenever it suits his schedule and needs. Where are your needs in all of this? What about your life?

 

Stay strong. You deserve so much better than this!

Edited July 2, 2017 by angel.eyes

[NikonRN]

I hope you re-read Elaine's post multiple times! Talk is cheap. Focus on people's choices and actions.

 

Should he ever need surgery, his wife will be there to hold his hand. He'll be there for his wife in the same situation. You're about to have surgery. Who is going to hold your hand???

 

Please lose the rose-colored glasses and take a hard look at his choices and the reality of your situation. Despite all the sweet nothings about you being the love of his life and the fairytale romance you've built in your mind, he never married you! You were both single at one point. You were already fooling around with each other. Yet rather than show the world you were the love of his life once he was single and free, he disappeared and turned up married to his second wife.

 

Who sees him more now? His second wife. Who does he live with? His second wife. Who does he openly socialize with? His second wife. Despite knowing you 25 years, you remain hidden--his secret. Only he knows why, but you're not serious relationship material in his eyes. Someone who's good for a little side action, fun and excitement? Yes, that's been you over the 25 years he's known you. A life partner? For whatever reason, regardless of what he might say to get you all hot and bothered, his choices highlight that he doesn't see you in that role.

 

Please think about that whenever you're tempted to reach out to him. He's wasted your time for a quarter century and will continue to do so as long as you allow it. His wife gets him full time. You get crumbs whenever it suits his schedule and needs. Where are your needs in all of this? What about your life?

 

Stay strong. You deserve so much better than this!

 

Actually when we were both single, he was a drunk and I was just as screwed up. I haven't spent my whole life chasing him or expecting to marry him. I let him go then and we both moved on to others. I wasn't a secret at that time. Yes, now that we mostly got our acts together and he knew I was available after reconnecting, I deluded myself into thinking he could finally have what he said he said wanted this whole time. I could have what I tried to replace him with, but sadly he's not strong enough or willing to leave his security. I know from others (not him) that he and her just co-exist and if that's the "safety" he chooses, so be it. I just thought he'd be stronger, which is why I wasn't. My glasses aren't rose colored any more. I just thought this was finally it.....and nope. I was stupid.

[ItsColdAsCrapInAlaska]

Actually when we were both single, he was a drunk and I was just as screwed up. I haven't spent my whole life chasing him or expecting to marry him. I let him go then and we both moved on to others. I wasn't a secret at that time. Yes, now that we mostly got our acts together and he knew I was available after reconnecting, I deluded myself into thinking he could finally have what he said he said wanted this whole time. I could have what I tried to replace him with, but sadly he's not strong enough or willing to leave his security. I know from others (not him) that he and her just co-exist and if that's the "safety" he chooses, so be it. I just thought he'd be stronger, which is why I wasn't. My glasses aren't rose colored any more. I just thought this was finally it.....and nope. I was stupid.

 

I am a firm believer that all loves stay with you forever. Its called memories. You start out with a whole heart and slowly through out your life, people move into different rooms, some not so long, others longer and build more rooms. you final love of a lifetime you hope build a life that withstands all the storms, you remain together and have built bigger and better rooms so that all the other rooms are pale in comparison. And you know what you have is better.

[jenkins95]

Actually when we were both single, he was a drunk and I was just as screwed up. I haven't spent my whole life chasing him or expecting to marry him. I let him go then and we both moved on to others. I wasn't a secret at that time. Yes, now that we mostly got our acts together and he knew I was available after reconnecting, I deluded myself into thinking he could finally have what he said he said wanted this whole time. I could have what I tried to replace him with, but sadly he's not strong enough or willing to leave his security. I know from others (not him) that he and her just co-exist and if that's the "safety" he chooses, so be it. I just thought he'd be stronger, which is why I wasn't. My glasses aren't rose colored any more. I just thought this was finally it.....and nope. I was stupid.

 

Hey Nikon, you are at nearly one week NC right? Well done. I know it feels awful, but you are on the right track.

 

It may seem frustrating that he is "settling", but for some people, this is an acceptable choice and isn't always necessarily a bad thing: -

 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/jan/05/oliver-burkeman-settling

 

The idea of "the one true love" however, is over-romanticised, generally not believed and usually sets us up for disappointment once real life sets in and a few years get behind. I think because he has been on the periphery of your life for so long, but never truly there 100%, he has become some kind of an abstraction to you. Like an archetypal perfect man, the two of you fitting each other like a lock and key - you don't know him completely (despite all the years) because you've never been afforded a long-term stretch of time together, so your mind fills in the blanks with perfection. The reality would likely be quite different. A few years together and he would probably just seem like any other normal man!

 

I know this is a very unromantic post, and I don't mean to upset you. Just trying to provide a philosophical viewpoint!

 

Keep up the NC and keep posting!

[NikonRN]

I stayed NC for quite some time, then failed, he came back and said all the right things to my inner idiot. I wont go into details but things happened and there was a mini d-day.

 

He said don't call or text but email fine. Which I have adhered to. The few times I have heard from him, he is afraid he'll start drinking, labels himself a **** up, tells me he loves me (yada-yada), back to afraid of drinking.

 

I kind of let him have it about selfishness and needing to decide what he wants and how he wants to live his life and quit hurting everyone, especially himself.

 

Now back to NC. I waver between soul crushing devastation and relief. My heart has been with him for so long and I thought this might be our chance but looks like I was wrong.

 

I'm reading these forums and everything else available. There isn't a situation or longtime relationship similar to ours but some of the emotions and things said are the same. i'm trying to be strong and realistic but I don't know how strong I can be anymore.

 

My life is almost half over and my dating pool is as shallow as a birdbath. I don't trust easy and when I do its apparently towards the wrong people. I'm just tired.

[pheonixrisen]

I've loved this guy for so long, him single, me single,both married, one married, I haven't been able to shut it off during that time, after reconnecting, and putting everything on the table, it's harder. He knows what he needs to do to be ultimately happy but with the purse strings in her hands and him apparently afraid to be confrontational with her about it....he made a choice. I have to make the choice now too, but not to find someone else....to be single. I'm just frozen.

 

HE is staying because he wants to stay .he may love you in the capacity of the relationship you share with him but that does not mean he does not love his wife and wants to give her up or give the life up that he shares with her .

 

And if a divorce is to happen she would not be controlling the purse strings it would be divided.

 

You or anyone is not responsible for his drinking he needs to stay motivated not too.and he cannot use it to manipulate people around to do his bidding

HE had many chances to find you .marry you. But he did not so you are exactly as he sees you a distraction from his daily grind .not the love of his life .

 

Make a decision and stick to it.

Edited October 10, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~T